Title: CalorieCounter4
Author: Julia
Spoilers: USPL
Disclaimer: After you read this there should be no doubt that I have nothing to do with the characters in an official capacity.
Summary: A very silly post-ep for USPL.
Archive: Just ask.
Feedback: If you're so inclined [jmarie_ib01@yahoo.com]
Notes: This is really not meant to offend anyone. If you didn't like the Internet snarking last night, don't read this. Otherwise, enjoy.
I'm also told that you really shouldn't drink anything while you read this. I won't be responsible for any ruined keyboards. Thanks for the encouragement, Christine.
CalorieCounter4
***
"Donna!"
"Yeah?"
Josh just pointed at his computer screen and then looked at her.
"Oh, God, Josh. You haven't been writing to them again? I hope you realize that CJ wasn't kidding about assigning an intern, and I'm not sure how much she was exaggerating about the motherboard."
"Don't worry, I've just been reading. So, CalorieCounter4?"
"I'm sorry?"
"That doesn't sound familiar?" he asked with more than a hint of irritation in his voice.
"Should it?"
Taking his best aggressive lawyer stance, he said, "And I quote, "Didn't you already know that he has a girlfriend? He has had a number of fairly interesting encounters over the last few months. Can I just say that your dream date page would be much more accurate if it were to include Tahiti, the Rolling Stones and a feather boa?"
Trying her best not to laugh, Donna responded, "You wore a feather boa? I remember buying rum and lanterns, but I gotta tell you-"
"Donna!"
"What?" she asked innocently. Too innocently.
"You didn't write this?"
"Believe it or not, discussing your 'relationship,'" she seemed to have trouble getting that word out, "with the crazy cousins of the lunatic cartographers isn't really high on my to do list."
"Well, who else knows enough about me and Amy to write this?" he asked, really hoping that she would confess. It was a little disconcerting to know that someone out there with information about his love life was talking about it on the Internet.
"I don't know," she answered with a careless shrug, gathering some papers off his desk. "Maybe it was Amy."
"What?"
"She knows all about your relationship with her."
"But she doesn't know about the site."
"Josh, everyone knows about the site."
"Not everyone."
"Alright, everyone who reads the Washington Post knows about the sight."
"Amy wouldn't do something like this."
"Just watch what you say around her," she warned in a mock serious tone. Luckily Donna was able to make it to the Communications Bullpen before she broke out in hysterical laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"Someone has been posting information about Amy and Josh on his website."
"Is it you?" asked Ginger.
"No. God, why does everyone assume that?"
Ginger could only raise an eyebrow. "I have no idea."
***
Sitting on his couch, Amy was very gently nibbling on Josh's earlobe but he didn't seem to be entirely focused. She pulled back to look at him as he ran his hands down her back.
"What's wrong, J?"
"Ah, nothing."
"J," she warned in the tone she used when she wanted to make sure he knew that she wasn't stupid.
He spent almost thirty seconds trying to decide how best to frame his question. "You don't spend a lot of time counting calories, do you?"
"Excuse me?"
There was more than a hint of annoyance in her voice and Josh realized that he may have not have taken the best tack with this. He rushed to correct himself. "No! No, it's just that there were some things posted on my website, and I thought that maybe you had… but obviously you didn't."
"You're still hung up on that?"
"My name is on the site, how am I supposed to ignore that?"
"I think I'm going to go home now, J. And you really need to stop obsessing about that website." Amy gathered her coat and Josh found himself wondering for the hundredth time in their four month relationship if she was really mad or just pretending.
***
The next morning he found Donna waiting for him with his schedule in the lobby.
"It was you," he accused immediately.
"Nope."
"Then why did you tell me it was Amy?"
"I didn't. You asked who else had information regarding your relationship and, as far as I know, you and Amy would have more information than anyone else. I know you couldn't have written it because you haven't had trouble sitting lately. So logic dictates that Amy would be the next person to ask."
"Yeah, well, that was a stupid idea."
"You actually asked her?" she questioned, obviously amused.
"And she was pretty pissed."
"I'd imagine so."
"So it wasn't you?" he asked, just to be sure.
"No."
Josh entered his office and sat down in his chair only to stand right back up. "Donna!" he yelled. "Do you know who it is?" She'd spent the last four years around politicians. He knew that she knew how to keep him from asking the right questions.
"Sorry, no idea."
"Damn," he mumbled, settling in to read the briefing memo that Charlie was passing around about drilling in Alaska.
It didn't take more than fifteen minutes before he was hunched in front of his computer.
***
"He's really starting to freak out about this, Ginger. I need to find out who CalorieCounter4 is or he's going to make me as crazy as he is."
"That would be a sight to behold," Ginger smirked.
"Is it you?" she asked hopefully.
"No."
"If you knew who it was would you tell me?"
"And miss out on the chance to entertain myself at Josh's expense?" Ginger snorted.
"I should get back before he does something I'll regret."
"See ya," said Ginger casually.
"Um, you guys might want to look at this," Bonnie said with a concerned look on her face.
"Really, that's okay," said Donna. "I don't need anymore details about Josh's love life. I'm thinking I'll have nightmares for a week after the feather boa."
"This isn't about Amy, it's about you."
"What?!"
"WHGroupie writes 'I think CalorieCounter4 is putting us on. Because from what I've heard from a friend of mine who used to work for a messenger service for the White House he's dating his assistant.'"
"What?" Donna asked, truly shocked.
"Then CalorieCounter4 responds, 'I'm really not 'putting you on,' although your friend has a point. Sometimes even I wonder what's going on there. But I've gotten my information about his romantic evenings straight from the horse's mouth.'"
"I really have to get back to my desk before Josh reads this and has an attack of some kind."
***
"Is there anything else?" Leo asked at the end of his staff meeting.
"I think we need to address a leak."
"We have a leak? Please tell me that it's not on 413."
"No, but we've got someone who I think is spying on me and spreading rumors- "
"Josh, let it go," interrupted CJ with a laugh. His little obsession was really quite amusing, she thought. Well, she qualified, as long as he didn't say anything that she would get asked about in the Press Room.
"No, CJ. I don't think I will. Couldn't you just arrange a little meeting with Danny so I could explain my side of the story? Then-"
"Absolutely not."
"Oh, for the love of God. Margaret!!"
Margaret poked her head into the room. "Yes?"
"Would you please promise Josh that you will stop writing to his fan club so that we can get back to the business of running the country?" Leo asked, exasperated.
"Yes, sir," she responded quietly.
"And Josh you will not go back to that site? If I hear about this again I'm going to install one of those pornography-screening things on your computer. Am I understood?"
"Yes," Josh squeaked.
"Pornography-screening things?" Sam mused. "That wouldn't work unless the people-"
"Sam, let's go work," interrupted Toby, saving him from Leo's wrath.
"Why don't all of you get back to work."
"Do I want to know how Margaret knew about the feather boa?" asked Toby, giving Josh a curious look.
"You really don't," Josh assured her as he headed back to his office.
Author: Julia
Spoilers: USPL
Disclaimer: After you read this there should be no doubt that I have nothing to do with the characters in an official capacity.
Summary: A very silly post-ep for USPL.
Archive: Just ask.
Feedback: If you're so inclined [jmarie_ib01@yahoo.com]
Notes: This is really not meant to offend anyone. If you didn't like the Internet snarking last night, don't read this. Otherwise, enjoy.
I'm also told that you really shouldn't drink anything while you read this. I won't be responsible for any ruined keyboards. Thanks for the encouragement, Christine.
CalorieCounter4
***
"Donna!"
"Yeah?"
Josh just pointed at his computer screen and then looked at her.
"Oh, God, Josh. You haven't been writing to them again? I hope you realize that CJ wasn't kidding about assigning an intern, and I'm not sure how much she was exaggerating about the motherboard."
"Don't worry, I've just been reading. So, CalorieCounter4?"
"I'm sorry?"
"That doesn't sound familiar?" he asked with more than a hint of irritation in his voice.
"Should it?"
Taking his best aggressive lawyer stance, he said, "And I quote, "Didn't you already know that he has a girlfriend? He has had a number of fairly interesting encounters over the last few months. Can I just say that your dream date page would be much more accurate if it were to include Tahiti, the Rolling Stones and a feather boa?"
Trying her best not to laugh, Donna responded, "You wore a feather boa? I remember buying rum and lanterns, but I gotta tell you-"
"Donna!"
"What?" she asked innocently. Too innocently.
"You didn't write this?"
"Believe it or not, discussing your 'relationship,'" she seemed to have trouble getting that word out, "with the crazy cousins of the lunatic cartographers isn't really high on my to do list."
"Well, who else knows enough about me and Amy to write this?" he asked, really hoping that she would confess. It was a little disconcerting to know that someone out there with information about his love life was talking about it on the Internet.
"I don't know," she answered with a careless shrug, gathering some papers off his desk. "Maybe it was Amy."
"What?"
"She knows all about your relationship with her."
"But she doesn't know about the site."
"Josh, everyone knows about the site."
"Not everyone."
"Alright, everyone who reads the Washington Post knows about the sight."
"Amy wouldn't do something like this."
"Just watch what you say around her," she warned in a mock serious tone. Luckily Donna was able to make it to the Communications Bullpen before she broke out in hysterical laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"Someone has been posting information about Amy and Josh on his website."
"Is it you?" asked Ginger.
"No. God, why does everyone assume that?"
Ginger could only raise an eyebrow. "I have no idea."
***
Sitting on his couch, Amy was very gently nibbling on Josh's earlobe but he didn't seem to be entirely focused. She pulled back to look at him as he ran his hands down her back.
"What's wrong, J?"
"Ah, nothing."
"J," she warned in the tone she used when she wanted to make sure he knew that she wasn't stupid.
He spent almost thirty seconds trying to decide how best to frame his question. "You don't spend a lot of time counting calories, do you?"
"Excuse me?"
There was more than a hint of annoyance in her voice and Josh realized that he may have not have taken the best tack with this. He rushed to correct himself. "No! No, it's just that there were some things posted on my website, and I thought that maybe you had… but obviously you didn't."
"You're still hung up on that?"
"My name is on the site, how am I supposed to ignore that?"
"I think I'm going to go home now, J. And you really need to stop obsessing about that website." Amy gathered her coat and Josh found himself wondering for the hundredth time in their four month relationship if she was really mad or just pretending.
***
The next morning he found Donna waiting for him with his schedule in the lobby.
"It was you," he accused immediately.
"Nope."
"Then why did you tell me it was Amy?"
"I didn't. You asked who else had information regarding your relationship and, as far as I know, you and Amy would have more information than anyone else. I know you couldn't have written it because you haven't had trouble sitting lately. So logic dictates that Amy would be the next person to ask."
"Yeah, well, that was a stupid idea."
"You actually asked her?" she questioned, obviously amused.
"And she was pretty pissed."
"I'd imagine so."
"So it wasn't you?" he asked, just to be sure.
"No."
Josh entered his office and sat down in his chair only to stand right back up. "Donna!" he yelled. "Do you know who it is?" She'd spent the last four years around politicians. He knew that she knew how to keep him from asking the right questions.
"Sorry, no idea."
"Damn," he mumbled, settling in to read the briefing memo that Charlie was passing around about drilling in Alaska.
It didn't take more than fifteen minutes before he was hunched in front of his computer.
***
"He's really starting to freak out about this, Ginger. I need to find out who CalorieCounter4 is or he's going to make me as crazy as he is."
"That would be a sight to behold," Ginger smirked.
"Is it you?" she asked hopefully.
"No."
"If you knew who it was would you tell me?"
"And miss out on the chance to entertain myself at Josh's expense?" Ginger snorted.
"I should get back before he does something I'll regret."
"See ya," said Ginger casually.
"Um, you guys might want to look at this," Bonnie said with a concerned look on her face.
"Really, that's okay," said Donna. "I don't need anymore details about Josh's love life. I'm thinking I'll have nightmares for a week after the feather boa."
"This isn't about Amy, it's about you."
"What?!"
"WHGroupie writes 'I think CalorieCounter4 is putting us on. Because from what I've heard from a friend of mine who used to work for a messenger service for the White House he's dating his assistant.'"
"What?" Donna asked, truly shocked.
"Then CalorieCounter4 responds, 'I'm really not 'putting you on,' although your friend has a point. Sometimes even I wonder what's going on there. But I've gotten my information about his romantic evenings straight from the horse's mouth.'"
"I really have to get back to my desk before Josh reads this and has an attack of some kind."
***
"Is there anything else?" Leo asked at the end of his staff meeting.
"I think we need to address a leak."
"We have a leak? Please tell me that it's not on 413."
"No, but we've got someone who I think is spying on me and spreading rumors- "
"Josh, let it go," interrupted CJ with a laugh. His little obsession was really quite amusing, she thought. Well, she qualified, as long as he didn't say anything that she would get asked about in the Press Room.
"No, CJ. I don't think I will. Couldn't you just arrange a little meeting with Danny so I could explain my side of the story? Then-"
"Absolutely not."
"Oh, for the love of God. Margaret!!"
Margaret poked her head into the room. "Yes?"
"Would you please promise Josh that you will stop writing to his fan club so that we can get back to the business of running the country?" Leo asked, exasperated.
"Yes, sir," she responded quietly.
"And Josh you will not go back to that site? If I hear about this again I'm going to install one of those pornography-screening things on your computer. Am I understood?"
"Yes," Josh squeaked.
"Pornography-screening things?" Sam mused. "That wouldn't work unless the people-"
"Sam, let's go work," interrupted Toby, saving him from Leo's wrath.
"Why don't all of you get back to work."
"Do I want to know how Margaret knew about the feather boa?" asked Toby, giving Josh a curious look.
"You really don't," Josh assured her as he headed back to his office.