I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean
I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. At all. In any way, shape or form. I don't even own a copy of any of the DVDs, for heaven's sake.
I got this idea from Ask A Ninja Special Delivery 7 and 7.5, which I also don't own- though it would be fun if I did. Poor penniless me.
On to the story!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPrologue
In case you were not aware of this, none of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are anything but fictional. However, in every fiction there is a little bit of truth; otherwise, fiction would all be rather like a political statement: a mish-mash of white and black lies that usually mix and become a very unappetizing shade of gray.
Politics aside, Pirates of the Caribbean was in fact based on a true story. However, it wasn't nearly trashy enough for Hollywood, so they revised it. A lot. They added lots of love scenes and stupidity and basically made it worse.
You see, in its original form, since it is, in fact, a true story, it was rather plotless. Sort of. However, once the writers were done with it, it was both totally plotless and rather dumb! Think about it, and if you're not convinced, watch Ask A Ninja Special Deliveries 7 and 7.5 and see if you can deny that the Ninja is right.
So, on request, I present to you the real story: Ninjas of the Caribbean.
Ninjas of the Caribbean
The Curse of the Ninja
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me…" sang little Miss Elizabeth Swann. That is, if anything that ever proceeded from her mouth could qualify as anything but squeaky, obnoxious noise. Every ninja on the ship from the crows-nest to the ballast cringed at the infernal noise. At least they could cringe, though. They were hiding. The poor crewmen weren't even allowed to cringe because they were in plain view and would get in trouble for it.
Her tone-deaf father didn't even seem to notice the noise. Poor Gibbs risked the Governor's wrath in order to save the ears of his suffering crew. "Better keep quiet about that sort of thing," he warned her. "No good comes o' talkin' or even singin' of pirates, 'specially not in these waters," he finished. "He's right," added Norrington. Not very eloquent, that one.
Elizabeth decided that arguments were futile, so she did the next best thing: she pouted. Then, when she noticed that no one was paying attention to her anymore, she started to sing again:
"One hundred bottles of beer on the wall,
One hundred bottles of beer;
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
There'll be ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!"
The crew continued to ignore her as they stared over the starboard side of the boat. Her father swore that he would never take her into a bar again. Elizabeth, miffed that they refused to pay attention to her, tried again, this time a little louder.
"NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL,
NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER
(Funny, what was that annoying burning smell?)
IF ONE OF THOSE BOTTLES SHOULD HAPPEN TO-"
Suddenly, she heard her father behind her. "Shut up," he whispered. He sounded very scared. It was then that Elizabeth, too, took a glance to starboard. It was also then that she saw the flaming remnants of a merchant ship. "Oh," she said, and rushed over to take a closer look.
When she reached the side, and looked over, her eyes widened. "Look, Daddy, Look!" she squealed. "There's a boy down there!" she exclaimed. And there he was: young Will Turner unconscious and floating on a piece of driftwood.
The crew hurriedly saved the unfortunate lad. "Ohh, Daddy, can I keep him?" asked Elizabeth, thinking how much fun it would be to have another person to order around. However, Daddy was smart enough to realize the problems this would pose in the future. "No, Elizabeth dear, I'm afraid not. I'll make him an apprentice to a blacksmith or something. But you can look at him if you want," he added, trying to make her feel better.
"Oh, all right," she sulked. She flounced over to where the boy lay. He was wearing a pretty gold medallion. She liked gold. It was shiny. So she decided that since she couldn't have him as a servant, she would just take his medallion instead. It was only fair.
The ninjas were also rather interested in the little piece of gold. Hmm, cursed, I think, one volunteered telepathically. Yup, replied another. Better keep an eye on that… Oh look, an evil, black-sailed ship!, thought the first.Sigh. Another one? Man, that's like the fourth one this week! We'd better go distract them, agreed a third.
So, while the cough cough normal people sailed merrily on, the ninjas diverted the inhabitants of the Black Pearl. The ninjas were busy for some time killing undead people aboard the Black Pearl. Having finished this, they decided that they rather liked the ship. So, they made their leader Captain of it. The leader temporarily took on the name of the former captain, one Barbossa.
SEVERAL YEARS LATER
Elizabeth Swann had gotten prettier, but besides that, not much had changed since the day that she'd met Will. Not that it was particularly his fault, it was just the truth. He'd never achieved more than 30 brainpower himself, so, obviously, the two idiots were deeply in love. However, Governor Swann wanted his imbecile daughter to marry well, and Commodore Norrington wanted her money. So he forced himself to tell her father –in full sentences, what's more –that he wished for Elizabeth's hand in marriage. Governor Swann was so surprised to hear Norrington utter complete sentences that he immediately agreed.
This, of course, devastated the two lovers. "I think we should elope," decided Elizabeth. (She was still very bossy.) Will, however, crushed the idea with a rare moment of common sense. "Elope where? Port Royal happens to be an island, my dearest –and a rather smallish one at that," he reminded her. "Oh. Well, we could always elope on a ship or something," Elizabeth countered desperately. At this point, Will once again discarded his wits. "Yes, that would work! Elizabeth, angel, you're a genius!"
All the ninjas groaned silently. Of course it never occurred to the pair that everyone would notice the governor's daughter and the blacksmith's apprentice boarding an outbound ship. Not to mention the fact that neither of them had enough money saved to actually secure a passage aboard said ship. They promised to meet at the Port at midnight anyway. Meanwhile, they decided that their time could be best employed by doing nothing but stare into each other's eyes and sigh wistfully. This went rather well until Will's master came and dragged him back to work. Oh well, thought Elizabeth, I have to pack anyway.
Meanwhile, a notorious pirate –all right, not exactly notorious –was docking his canoe in the Port. Captain Jacqueline Felicity Sparrow stepped onto the dock and watched calmly as his canoe proceeded to float away. Rope! I knew I'd forgotten something. Well, at least there are a lot of ships to commandeer around here. Few things ever bothered the ahem good captain; most likely, this was because of his name.
His mother had been a bit loopy when she'd filled out his birth certificate, and no one could convince her for quite some time that young Jacqueline was, in fact, male. It was a little too late by then, but luckily, she had managed to choose a name that at least provided for a good nickname. Therefore, as soon as Jacqueline figured out that his name was a bit too feminine, he announced to everyone that he would only answer to 'Jack'. When he kept his word in a very literal fashion, all who knew him soon caught on (As for all who didn't, they didn't know him, so they didn't know his name anyway!).
However, in the interim, he had to live with the name-calling and rude comments as best he could. This usually involved either ignoring the offender or, in extreme cases, applying a good hard smack to him. In this case, the choice was obvious because one simply doesn't go around punching canoes, especially when they're out of reach.
Leaving the vessel to its own devices, he turned on his heel, barely missing a ninja, and strode down the dock. He met the dock master upon reaching the beach. "Excuse me, my good sir, but would you happen to know of any place hereabouts that has any rum?" he asked, sounding as if he'd had as much as he needed in that department already.
To be quite honest, he would have to admit that he didn't actually like the stuff at all; he vastly preferred ginger ale. However, in the circles in which he tended to run, asking the bartender for a ginger ale was not accepted protocol. Also, he'd never admit that he enjoyed such a drink.
All this aside, the dock master replied that he hadn't the slightest idea, even though he'd just come from one of the many taverns littering the wharf. He wasn't a very friendly one, our dock master. Jack smiled as the rather inebriated man lied to him, said good day, and stole the man's purse as he left. A lie for a lie… Sort of. All the ninjas rolled their eyes.
Well, I can't exactly stay here, our brilliant captain decided, Seeing as this is Port Royal and all, he added as he passed the sign that proclaimed, WELCOME
To PORT ROYAL
NO swimming,
littering,
loitering,
poaching,
wild partying,
damaging the ecosystem,
or sniffing the daisies.
Upon reading the entire sign, Jack became convinced that the founders of Port Royal had indeed been sniffing something, though not necessarily daisies. He then decided that he would go and find an accomplice stupid enough to help him steal one of the large ships that he saw floating in the harbor. He casually walked the streets of Port Royal, looking in every shop and stealing from a few as he looked for the ideal idiot. Shortly thereafter he found himself back on the beach, thanks to his lousy sense of direction. He sighed and turned back to the town, but as he did, he spotted some dumb-looking soldiers guarding the ship he was after and decided to try his luck.
As the good Captain had been entering the harbor, Governor Swann had been creating the ideal setting for Norrington's proposal to Elizabeth. A parapet that overlooked the sea would be a very romantic scene, and, of course, he reasoned, a relatively safe one. So, after giving Norrington a subtle hint that he should make his feelings known to Elizabeth, Governor Swann rounded up the pair and nearly pushed them out onto the lookout to discuss their 'newfound love.'
Back on the ship, Captain Jack was making friends with the guards, Jeremy and Norman. It took about five minutes of conversation to convince them that it would be a good idea to display the prowess of the ship they were guarding, so they and the Captain were soon making their merry way around the port, much to the dismay of the numerous fishing boats that couldn't quite make it out of the way in time.
Commodore Norrington led Elizabeth to the balcony so she could enjoy the full ocean view. Then he began. "I know this may come as a shock to you, but your father and I have decided that you should marry me. Now I know I'm almost thirteen years older than you, but let's not sweat the details, shall we? There are also the definite upsides; for instance, there is the fact that I am rather rich and have the potential to become even richer. Plus, I'm a high-ranking officer in the King's Navy. There are other things, too –I… I just can't remember what they are right now," he concluded.
Elizabeth considered this for a moment. It was definitely something to be seriously considered. After all, the Commodore was indeed filthy rich, something that, for all his other charms, Will was most certainly not. And she'd always been rather partial to money. It was shiny and got her nice things.
Then she remembered something. "Well, I must say I am pleased to receive a proposal –especially from you, because you're rich and important. However, although I'm attracted to your money, I'm afraid an engagement between ourselves simply cannot take place. You see, I have a date with Will Turner tonight. We're eloping together. You can see how this might possibly make things rather awkward and complicated if I'm to marry you," she informed him.
Norrington pondered this information. "All right, very well, I only wanted your mon- I mean, your happiness, anyway. Only one question: aren't elopements supposed to be, well, secrets?" he queried.
"Oh, for heaven's sake!" cried Elizabeth. "Did I really just tell you my plans to elope? Well, I suppose it's only natural. My father says that I take after my mother, and my mother died using the hairdryer while swimming. Although he did always admit that it takes quite a bit of talent to die by using something that hasn't even been invented yet. Oh well. You won't tell too many people, will you? I mean, since you say you love me and all that," she pleaded.
"Well, I still want to marry you, you see," he informed her. "So I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell your father so he can stop you," he ended. "If you do that, I'll kill myself," she pouted. This ploy had always worked before. Commodore Norrington seemed unfazed. "No, you won't," he said rather smugly. "Oh yeah? Just watch me then," she challenged.
It was then that she jumped off the balcony and into the ocean. The ninjas who looked on couldn't help thinking that this was the best choice for all involved. One can only stand so much insanity, you know.