She had decided a long, long time ago (although, just exactly how long ago it had actually been, she knew that she could not seem to remember correctly), that twilight was her absolute favorite time of day.
However, the precise reason why exactly she had seemed to come to a seemingly bizarre conclusion regarding such a thing as time had remained the great and elusive mystery of her life, even to her, at the very least, for quite a significant chunk of her adulthood.
Furthermore, she had come to the realization ever since then that she felt she did not quite know or even understand much of anything anymore, frankly.
The one thing that, throughout her life, she had always seemed to be the surest of (though she had come to doubt even this much, especially as of late), was that that very time in the early evening, when the sun was beginning to sink low in the sky, was considered by her to most likely to be the one and the exact and only time of day where everyone and everything in the whole world was at its calmest state of being.
Ever since she was a little girl, she had always found the whole idea of this time of day to be very interesting, somewhat enchanting, eerie, and maybe even a little bit unnerving all at the same time, in ways that even now, as an adult, she did not seem to possess a sufficient amount words in her vocabulary to explain it.
She had always loved to watch the sun as it dipped lower and lower in the sky, signaling yet another beginning to yet another end of yet another day on this planet.
She always liked to see how the sun had a tendency to turn the sky around it into a canvass, painting it with various shades of red, orange, and pink (of which were several more than she even knew were in existence), as it began to slide slowly along on its journey, down, down, down, before, eventually, she knew that it would end up disappearing beneath the horizon for another night.
Then, she was alone again.
She had been for days and days, after all.
Exactly how long it had been, though, she realized that could not even say.
Everything, even time itself, had blended together so much, so perfectly, it seemed, since…
It did not matter, anyway, she figured.
She was lost, now, hopelessly lost, and only recently, had she even begun to realize it.
There was nothing that she could ever do, now, anymore, she knew, that would ever be able to fix it.
There was no way that she would be able to go back, and even if she felt that she wanted to (which she did not think she did, she had to admit), she doubted that she would ever actually be brave enough to actually follow through with it.
They did not even want her.
No one even did.
That was precisely how worthless she was, had always been, and always would be.
She did not even care because, besides, deep, down inside of herself, she knew that it would never be the same, if even she did go back.
It was painful, even more painful than she ever would have imagined, which she why she had come to the decision that it would be better for everyone if she just slipped away, quietly, forever and ever.
No one would ever miss her, she imagined.
She held her breath and she waited for a while, feeling for a moment that this might all actually be nothing but a long and terrible dream.
She allowed herself to hope for only a second that it was.
No…
She found herself counting the seconds silently in her head as they ticked by, but as the seconds turned into several minutes, she still did not move.
She would not move, or maybe, she could not move.
She wanted, desperately, to wake up, she thought.
She did not wake, though, of course, and it was because she had realized that she had never actually been asleep at all.
She barely slept at all, anymore, really.
Then, she thought that she felt something in the world shift, unexpectedly.
But maybe, it had actually been the entire universe.
It felt scary.
How strange it all seemed.
She began to feel, then, a sinking feeling, like all of a sudden, that she was just about to disappear, too, like the sun under the horizon, and she would disappear the moment that she just wished for it to happen badly enough.
Maybe, though, just maybe, she already had.
No one could see her, anyway.
No one seemed to know that she was even up there, high above nearly everything and everyone else in the entire world.
She secretly hoped with all her might that it was the latter, though, because if she had already disappeared, then…well, she did not really know what would happen then, or if anything even would happen at all, after.
The only thing that she was sure of with any certainty at all anymore, actually was that she was spiraling, terribly, again; in fact, she was absolutely positive of it, because it had happened to her once before and she knew what it felt like.
She had a very clear memory of exactly what it had been like for her, before.
She knew exactly what it was that had happened to her, and even more importantly, she knew that the memory of it that she had in her brain would never, ever fade away because no one in the world would ever be able to forget a sensation such as that, even if they had wanted to.
It was wonderful and terrible and mysterious experience all at once, she felt.
It was an even scarier sensation than having to experience the entire universe shift around you, she was sure of it.
Everything on the outside of her had begun to burn down into nothing.
It was happening to her once again, and she knew that she would never be able to stop.
She was going down, faster, though, this time.
Down.
Down.
Down.
She could not stop herself this time.
But, did she even want to?
No one could, because it was an endless pattern, a perennial cycle that even she herself ever could figure out how to break.
She wondered to herself for a moment if whether or not that was even the reason why she left, why she left nearly everything she had ever known behind in order to end up here, where she was now.
She was not afraid of it anymore, though, she had to say.
It had been eating away at her sanity, for years and years, and the only thing that she could say with any sincerity actually, that she even wanted anymore now was a way out.
She had been looking for something all along, and she knew that now.
It all seemed to make perfect sense to her, in her own head, at least.
She had wanted a way to break the cycle and she had wanted it so badly.
She had finally found it.
She finally found a way to scratch the itch and when she first realized it, if she had not even known any better, she would have thought that she felt herself almost smile.
Almost.
But that was silly, she then remembered, because she never smiled.
Ever.
If only…
Her mind drifted off somewhere for just a second, but she caught herself, before she even dared allow herself to miss the person who she had been, once.
The wind blew against her harshly, chilling her to the bone, although her brain seemed almost unable to perceive her entire body shivering involuntarily.
She could barely feel anything, anymore, and she did not even care about it at all.
Somewhere on the inside, there was now almost nothing where there had once been something, something that had been real, but it was something of which she had only been obscurely aware of, all this time.
What that something inside of her had once been, she did not know nor did she even feel that she would be able to recognize it as hers anymore, even if she were to see it once in someone else with her very own eyes.
She did not even know how long she had been out there, she realized, and before she even knew it, the sun was gone, and everything was in complete darkness.
It was getting even colder and everything was nearly gone, now.
The air around her was so cold now, that she almost forgot for a minute why it was that she had even come there.
How curious that was, she mused to herself for just a moment, not to know.
She had always wondered to herself, though, what exactly something like that would feel like.
She hoped that it would be exactly how she had always imagined it to be.
Warm.
Calm.
The total absence of any sunlight now meant that nearly everything around her that would normally be within the sun's reach was now cast only in shadow.
She exhaled slowly through her mouth, the warm current of air forming a small cloud in front of her light, pink lips before she watched it dissolve effortlessly into the night sky without making a single, solitary sound.
She was still and everything was still.
She was quiet and everything was quiet.
She blinked, staring down at what was below her for the very first time, since her arrival…there.
Everything had seemed to melt together, shrouded all at once in the darkness; in fact, she was barely able to see or distinguish with any amount of certainty whatsoever where one thing ended and another one began, down there.
This night was a, blurry, empty, murky pit of nothing, which seemed to have an odd yet also perfect sense of gloominess to it all that she could not quite put her figure on nor put into words.
She just stood there, on the very edge of it all, on the very edge of the Earth, almost as if she had fallen into a trance, because she did not know what else she should do, or even what else she could do, at that moment, at least.
Something about it made her feel uneasy, but at the same time, she found it to be strangely comforting, some how, some way.
She was afraid, for the very first time, but the pit of nothing was beckoning her, pulling at her persistently, and she could not seem for force herself to look away from it.
Her palms started to itch, a terrible itch.
There was a light, suddenly, shining somewhere, though she herself hardly seemed to notice it.
She had only wanted something, anything to happen.
She wished that it would, desperately.
Her brain was screaming.
She bit her lower lip and it was at that very moment that it was as if a light bulb had gone off in her head and she suddenly remembered what it was she had come there for.
How in the world she had have ever forgotten it, well, she was certain that she would never be able to explain that to anyone, at least, not in a way that made any sense.
She thought about it, then.
She thought about taking a step.
Just a little one, though.
She wanted to, although she was only vaguely aware that she perhaps was a little bit too close to the edge of the entire world than she really should have been already.
She should be careful, she knew.
She felt her brow furrow as she thought about it some more.
The pit was calling to her again and she knew that she could take a step if she really wanted to, and she was about to, because nothing was around to stop her from doing it, anyway, but then…
The wind blew again gently and she thought for a second that she had heard a somewhat distant sound, a slight rustling coming from behind her, just a moment before whoever the source of the rustling was had called out her own name to her.
"Erin?"
She froze for only a second in response, before somehow instinctively knowing who the voice belonged to as well as sensing that whoever it was, they were standing just a little closer to her than what she thought that she was comfortable with at that time.
She only wanted who ever it was to stop, though, she thought.
She decided that she just wanted them to not be there, with her, at the edge of the world.
She wanted to say that, out loud, but she seemed to have suddenly lost the power to move any part of her body, at all.
She was paralyzed, there, at the edge.
The only thing that she could really do was start thinking about taking a step again, and about how badly she had wanted to do it.
It replayed over and over in her head, like a tape that she did not know how to turn off.
She felt her stomach churn angrily, at not being able to do…anything, but she said absolutely nothing.
It might be okay, though, she then reasoned with herself, after a while where there was nothing else that was said, maybe, but only because it was her.
It was Jillian, and Jillian was safe.
She swallowed, harshly.
She thought that she had always known that about her, but then again, everything that she had ever known about Jillian had gotten so blurry and mixed up in her head that it had taken her quite a while longer than she ever would have liked to even remember that about her, then.
"Erin?"
At first, the blonde had only seen a figure there, cast entirely in shadow, standing at the far edge of the rooftop, but the exact moment that she knew that her suspicions had been proven correct about the shadow's identity, she felt a sense of great instantly relief wash over her.
"Erin, thank God, it's you. I'm so glad I found you. Where have you been? Are you ok?"
She watched her almost in disbelief, almost as if she was not even certain that she should dare let herself think that she had really been standing there, right there in front of her, after all of this time of not having any clue at all as to her whereabouts.
She had been missing for a few days; in fact, it had actually almost been a week at that point, the blonde then realized, since the other woman had seemed to have vanished off the face of the Earth without any trace of her ever popping up, not even purely by accident.
Strangely, Erin had never even tried to contact her, not even once, even if it were only just to tell her not to worry, that she was okay, and would be home soon, she promised.
What she had seemed to be entirely oblivious to, was the fact that nearly a week of her missing and with no communication coming from her end, had been precisely the amount of time that Jillian needed to have begun driving herself nearly crazy trying to track her down.
She did not know just yet just how terribly Jillian had been worrying about her.
Just how desperately Jillian had been missing her.
She did not have even the slightest idea, Jillian was certain about that, because she knew that if she had known, she would have come straight home to her after the only the first day.
She would not have even vanished in the first place, actually, and Jillian was absolutely sure about that.
Nearly a week of no contact at all had been just enough time for Jillian to have convinced herself, without any doubt, she was certain of it, in fact, that something terrible must have happened.
Erin had to have been hurt, surely.
Erin had to have been lost.
Erin had to have been afraid.
Erin needed someone.
Erin needed her, she had been entirely certain of it, but she was all alone, out there, somewhere.
Where exactly, she had no idea, truthfully, and she had been so terribly afraid for her and her well-being.
Jillian had thought that she literally looked everywhere, all over the city for her, really, and up until then she had failed miserably in her goal on finding even the smallest trace of evidence that the person that she had been searching for all this time even still existed in this world.
She was just gone, it seemed.
It was really strange.
That very idea occurred to her early on the morning of third day without Erin, and she decided that she just despised it with everything she had.
She decided that she did not believe that, not really.
It was an impossible idea, anyway, actually, because no one was ever just gone.
But then, she knew that she had to admit to herself by now that it did seem as if Erin had just vanished into thin air, and the very thought of that was exactly the thing that kept her up at night.
She rarely slept, anyway, though, but she thought that she might never sleep again, in fact, at least, not until Erin came home.
She just wanted Erin, and she finally thought that she had her again, almost.
However, any relief that the success of finally finding her, again, had given Jillian was incredibly and tragically short-lived; in fact, it had started to die the very moment that Jillian had finally been able to take in the scene that had unfolded before her, for exactly what it seemed to her to be (and exactly what it was), paying particular attention to the perilous position that she had seemed to put herself in.
Her heart sank.
Something about her was off.
Something about all of it was…off.
It seemed to be almost entirely unnatural, especially for Erin.
Jillian stopped herself, before...
No, no, no…
"What are you doing?"
The blonde was confused, naturally, of course, not because she was unable to decipher exactly what it was that was happening, but because far as she knew, Erin had never, ever even so much as thought about doing anything like this before.
Then again, Erin had never disappeared like this before, either, though, so maybe…
No, no, she knew that she should not think that way, not now and not about Erin.
She did not quite understand it, she had to say, but that was okay with her, because she was not even sure that she wanted to.
Just the very idea of it was enough to make her squirm.
However, what she was entirely certain of, though, was that she hated everything about this, with each and every part of her very existence.
The one thing that she hated more than anything about it, though, she would have said, was seeing the one and only person in the world that she loved and cared about with everything she had ever had teetering dangerously on the edge of a rooftop of a building.
Erin was about to…
No.
Stop.
But, Erin was currently standing much too close to the edge for her own liking and she was afraid for her, afraid for her safety, but she did not dare come even an inch closer to her, though, because somehow, without any verbal communication coming from Erin's end, she seemed to just know that it would be better for her to stay exactly and precisely where she was.
She was dangling very close to the edge, and Jillian knew that she was just seconds away from slipping through her fingers.
She kept her eyes trained on Erin, never wanting to look away from her, or even so much as blink, because she was so afraid that even just a tiny a move like would cause Erin to dissolve into thin air again, and she knew that this time, it would be forever.
She could not risk that, not even for a second.
Jillian hesitated for a moment, trying to think of what she should do next, before she decided to try and just speak to her first, knowing that if she at least tried that, there was a pretty good chance that she would be able to calm her down that way.
She was the only one of them that always could, really, even during those times where Erin's anxiety got really, really bad, and the both of them had begun to think that it might never go away.
It always did, though, like Jillian had always promised her that it would.
Jillian had to admit, though, that she was not as confident as she usually was when she had been dealing with her and her anxiety in the past, because the truth was that she was not quite sure exactly what it was that had been bad enough to cause her to want to go up to the edge of a rooftop, but obviously, though, she knew that whatever this was, that it was likely something much worse and much more serious than just an anxiety attack.
She figured that somebody must have done something horrible to her.
Somebody must have hurt her.
The mere thought of that being the one and only reason that she had gone up there in the first place was enough to make Jillian's blood begin to boil over and never stop.
She was not quite clear on exactly what could have happened, she just knew that in any case, this was something very different than anything she had ever dealt with before.
Something was very wrong with Erin, she just could feel it in her bones, and she wanted, so badly, to help her.
She felt that she had to help her, but she also was aware that she needed to be very, very careful here, the reason why being because Erin was already perilously close to slipping away, with only one step, and there was not a thing that she would ever be able to do about it if it ever happened, no matter how much either one of them together could have ever wished that there was.
She just knew that she could not lose her, again, not now, especially, not now.
Not after finding her again like this, finally.
She was so close, now, and she was determined to help her.
She was determined to make sure that her tone of voice was calm, soft, and measured all the time, as to not put any pressure on Erin.
She was well aware that Erin did not like to feel pressured, and she thought that she still knew at least that much, about her.
She had begun to have her doubts, though, that maybe she did not know Erin quite as well as she once had thought she did.
Maybe she did not know her at all.
"Erin, please be careful, okay? Can you move away from there?"
She begged her.
Erin did not respond to her nor did she move, though she still seemed to be at least vaguely aware of her presence there, somewhere; but, although she was only standing about fifteen feet away from her (and not an inch closer), in reality, Erin felt as if she were really miles and miles and miles away.
She found the sound of her voice to be a comforting sound to listen to, on the edge; in fact, she found herself thinking for a moment that it had seemed to be almost as comforting as the pit of nothing that she had found herself gazing into all of this time.
She just was not listening to all of the words, at least, not in the way that she really should have been, which meant that she was not focusing, which meant that she was not able to make sense of all of the things that Jillian was trying to tell her.
The words that she was saying all seemed to blur together in her head.
Whatever it was that was there, in the pit, was pulling at her, much harder, now, and it was distracting her from what Jillian was trying to say to her.
Then, she thought (no, she knew) that she heard Jillian ask her to try and look at her, please.
She was begging her some more.
Erin tried, she really did, because she had asked her to, which meant that she wanted her to, but she just could not, so she did not.
"Erin?"
Jillian tried again, her voice becoming just a tiny bit more desperate for an answer.
An answer, of course, never came.
Not that she was really expecting one to receive one, though, truthfully.
For some bizarre reason, that was unexplainable to her, Erin would not (could not?) even look at her.
She would not (could not?) speak to her.
Erin was wholly unresponsive towards her, and she was scaring her more than she would ever know.
She did not even truthfully know for sure whether or not Erin had even realized yet that she was there, speaking to her, begging her to do…anything, really.
She only studied her quietly and she let herself think only for a moment that she hated this Erin.
This Erin was…she did not even know, really, she concluded exactly what this Erin was; though, actually, she had been fully aware, deep down inside of herself, that this was not the real Erin.
No Erin that she ever knew had ever acted like this.
Despondent, absent, cool, seemingly preoccupied by…something.
Whatever and whoever this was, that she was looking at, she realized that it seemed to have been much, much worse than Jillian could have ever even dared herself to imagine, and it only took a few seconds for her to decide that she needed to risk approaching her, because just trying to speak to her clearly was not working very well for either one of them, honestly, this time, and she knew this because of the fact that nothing that she had ever even thought to say thus far her even seemed to sink, anyway.
It was a waste of time, frankly.
She needed to do it, and she needed to do it now, before Erin had a chance to spend any more time out on that ledge than she already had spent.
She worried and worried more and more, wringing her hands together violently, and she knew that she would hate herself infinitely more than she hated this Erin if she ever let anything bad happen to her.
She hesitated only for a brief moment, before considered the fact that she most likely would end up hating herself forever and ever, if she let Erin get hurt any more than she may possibly already be.
She just needed a way to reach her, meaning the Erin that she knew, in a way that might stick to her, in a way that she hoped would stick to her, and this was the only way to do it, she decided.
She needed to be slow, and very careful with each and every move that she even thought about making, because Erin looked abnormally tense, and the last thing that she would have ever wanted to do was startle her and cause Erin to take a step that she might never have meant to take and fall down, down, down into the pit and never stop.
"Erin, I want to help you, okay? Can you talk to me and tell me what's wrong?"
Jillian begged her even more, she herself realized, but she was not quite sure was else she could possibly do to fill the silence between them while she stepped carefully across the rooftop closer to her.
She felt herself stop abruptly, then, but only when she had gotten close enough to touch her, almost.
Her bright, blue eyes widened in alarm and she held her breath for a moment as she came to realize exactly what it was she was seeing, now, for the first time.
She saw it and she thought that she felt her heart nearly break into two once she came to realize just how terribly Erin was shaking, there, on the edge of the whole world.
She was the one who was so afraid, she was petrified, really, and Jillian felt awful for not sensing it sooner.
The guilt had begun to eat away at her from the inside out.
She began to wonder exactly how long Erin even been up there, standing on the edge, before she came, afraid, and all alone.
It was heart breaking for Jillian to know that it might have been entirely possible for her to have been up there for a few hours at least, potentially even the entire day.
Only Erin knew that, really.
She felt her cheeks turn hot, and she frowned for a moment, because she knew that Erin had not even been watching her, anyway.
She was still wholly and completely engrossed in watching whatever it was that she could see in there, in the nothing.
But, Jillian was so close.
She wanted to touch her.
She wanted, so badly, to touch Erin's hand, but she did not dare do that without being granted her permission first.
"Oh, Erin, it's okay, sweetie. I'm right here, okay? I won't let anything bad happen. I promise. Let me…Can I help you away from there?"
Another moment of silence passed between the two of them.
Jillian only waited, hopefully.
She held her breath.
She thought for a moment that she might never breathe again, and then…
The spell had been broken, almost instantly.
Unexplainably.
But, it did not matter because finally, finally, Jillian had gotten a chance to see what it was that she come closer to her for, what it was that she had been looking for all along.
She watched as Erin nodded her head slowly, a movement that was ever so slight, and ever so subtle, that to Jillian, it seemed to be almost imperceptible.
Still, she knew that she had seen it, with her own eyes, too, and it had not been a mistake.
It happened, it happened right in front of her.
She exhaled and she waited for just another moment, before reaching out, slowly, wrapping one of her hands around one of Erin's and pulling her gently away from the edge, pulling her away from the danger, and away from the enchanting, endless pit of nothing.
It was then, and only then, that Jillian had even dared herself to feel, with any certainty at all, that she was actually safe now, because she was with her.
It had also been the exact moment that Erin had even dared herself to look at the blonde for the very first time.
She really looked at her, this time, and Jillian felt her heart break in half for the second time, as she saw her face, clearly, for the first time in days and as she slowly allowed herself to take in the other woman's sullied and slightly disordered appearance.
Erin looked to be abnormally, almost ghostly pale, and her eyes were nearly empty, dull, full of almost nothing.
Just like the pit, Jillian thought to herself.
Then, she shuddered.
It was unsettling, to say the least.
Jillian could only feel a sense of immense sorrow for her, really, directly in the pit of her stomach.
Erin was staring at her.
Or maybe, she was staring through her (yes, that was it, Jillian mused).
Jillian then tried her best to swallow the softball-sized lump that had formed, suddenly, in the middle of her throat.
She had never seen Erin quite like this before.
Nearly everything about her, at that moment, seemed to be completely blank.
At that moment, it had occurred to Jillian for the first time just how likely that maybe, just maybe, Erin was not actually all there, with her.
That would certainly explain her behavior, Jillian realized, if that were the truth.
She thought that she heard Erin let out a brief sigh, before she watched as she turned her head to look at something else, now, off in the distance.
Erin wondered for a second if maybe she had been wrong all along.
Maybe, she really was dreaming.
Maybe nothing was real.
Maybe, she would wake up, soon…
Suddenly, Erin had suddenly begun to feel something strange, but warm, deep spreading all over, inside of herself, and she realized that everything that she had ever had on the inside was burning, burning, burning, and she knew that the burning would never, ever stop until everything had been turned into nothing but ash.
She looked all around, quietly.
It all hurt.
"Erin, sweetheart, how long have you been out here?"
Erin just stared at her, blankly, somewhat aware of the fact that she had tears in her eyes, but she just could not feel them.
Then, after a moment she heard Jillian begin to say something to her, again.
"It's okay, you know what, that doesn't even matter. It's going to be alright because you're safe now, Erin. You're with me, okay? Why don't you sit down here for just a minute, Erin, okay? There. That's it."
The fact that she had turned so pale within just the past few moments, paired with the fact she had still been trembling so forcefully, caused Jillian to become deeply concerned that she might pass out at any moment.
She seemed to want to comply, so Jillian let go of her hand (only for a second, though) in order to help her into a sitting position, leaning her against the very same edge of the world that she had just been standing up on just a moment before.
Erin still had not said a single word to her and it was entirely unnerving.
Jillian tried her best to smile at her, as she sat down beside her, making sure that she was sitting as close to her as she could get.
She paused for a moment, before slowly reaching over to her to gently smooth Erin's hair beneath the palm of her free hand.
Jillian wanted, so desperately, to comfort her, to reassure her.
She was not exactly sure what she should do, but what she did know was that she would have said or done absolutely anything.
"It's okay. You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm here. Oh sweetie, you aren't hurt, are you?
She waited until she saw Erin shake her head slowly, before tucking a silky lock her hair gently behind her ear.
She continued on, her voice coming out again this time in a slow whisper.
"That's good, I'm glad to hear that. But, Jesus, Erin, do you have any idea how worried about you I was? I thought that something terrible happened to you. What were you even thinking? You can't just disappear on me like that. I love you and I need to know that you're okay, alright? I've been looking everywhere for you, and then, I find you up here on some rooftop late at night, and you're…"
Jillian decided to cut herself off, smartly, biting her bottom lip.
She could not even say it.
She knew, though, somehow, some way, immediately that she had gone way too far, and she despised herself for it.
She had never wanted to show any sign that she had been angry with Erin for doing what she did, and she instantly regretted the way that it had all boiled over like that.
She regretted how all of a sudden, all of the pent up rage, worry, and frustration that she felt towards the Erin's seemingly reckless pattern of behavior, especially as of late, seemed to flare up inside of her like a wildfire blazing and came out of her all at once by way of her mouth.
In fact, the regret that she experienced as a result of her mistake in talking to Erin in that way, blaming Erin, was enough to make her stomach churn wildly.
This was not Erin's fault, and it would never, in a million years, be Erin's fault.
She leaned over briefly, and she actually thought that she was going to be sick.
Jillian shut her eyes for only a moment, and she exhaled slowly, choosing to wait until she was absolutely certain that her stomach had settled and that she had gained control over her temper once again, before she dared try to say anything else to the woman beside her.
She knew that she had to try her very best to hide any sign of it from her, now, but really, she was fully aware that it was already too late.
Erin knew of its existence, now, though, and once Erin knew of something, she would never be able to forget it, ever.
Erin never forgot anything.
Which was the reason why, Jillian knew that would have to apologize to her for snapping at her in that way.
The blonde just hoped, with everything that she had, that her rather unfortunate and abrupt display of negative emotion would not cause Erin to shut down on her.
No, that could not happen, not now.
Now, that she had been able to get her off the edge and the Earth and ensure her safety, she needed to get her talking again.
It was the only way, and besides, a small part of Jillian felt that, at the very least, she deserved an explanation that made sense to her for all of this erratic and disordered behavior of Erin's.
She wanted (no, she needed) to know the reason behind all of this confusion that Erin had caused her to experience for almost an entire week, seemingly as a result of choosing to disappear entirely on her own accord.
She needed to know exactly what it was that had caused to her just choose to leave like that, why she would have ever chosen to leave her.
The mystery of not knowing was the very thing that she felt had been chewing her up inside.
She thought that she had at least earned the right to know something.
Her blue eyes shined bright, curious and Erin went rigid, again.
"I'm sorry, Erin, I'm not angry with you. I was just worried. Can you talk to me, Erin? Can you tell me what happened to you?"
She had had a thousand questions to ask of her, really, and she sincerely felt, deep inside of herself, that even if Erin had taken the time to answer every single one, carefully, then, she could, most likely come up with a thousand more, rather easily, in fact.
She noticed that Erin had looked away from whatever she had been staring at out across the rooftop, choosing instead, now, to study the exact way that her hand had been intertwined with Jillian's hand.
She stayed that way, concentrating intensely, for a few moments.
It seemed to fascinate her, almost, Jillian realized.
Jillian wondered for a moment whether or not she would ever hear Erin speak again.
Jillian wondered for a moment whether or not she had actually been wrong all along.
She thought that maybe, it was already too late and she had already lost her, but to what exactly, well, Jillian did not quite know the answer to that.
Erin felt the warmth of Jillian's body heat emanating from the contact between the two of them, and she decided that she would focus on that for a while, the reason why being she found it to be comforting, but maybe only because it had helped remind to her, quietly, that all of this might actually be real, after all.
Her and Jillian and everything.
Her light, blue eyes seemed to be simmering, as if she were searching for something, searching for answers.
She traced a tiny crack in the concrete ledge next to her with one finger.
She thought that it looked like lightening.
Then, Jillian heard her breath begin to quicken.
She waited and she listened.
Then she saw that there seemed to be the just the smallest amount of color returning Erin's cheeks again, which she knew was a good sign, it was a reassuring sign, at least, to her that she would be okay, because she was safe, now, and would be from then on, always.
Jillian was sure of at least that much, because she was with her, and she would never let her leave again, ever, even if she wanted to; and, the whole idea of the fact that she finally had Erin back with her was somehow soothing in such a powerful way that Jillian herself could not quite put into coherent words.
She felt her stomach drop, though, when she looked over for a moment and realized what it was that Erin had been currently doing.
She was fidgeting, there, next to her.
Jillian could see only then that she had begun to scratch herself again, rhythmically and quietly, albeit very lightly, though, on the skin of wrist of her right arm with her free hand.
Scratching, scratching, scratching.
Feverishly.
Anxiously.
Endlessly.
It seemed to be an almost involuntary action on her part, though, one that Erin no longer even had to think about, it seemed, the blonde knew that by now, but that was exactly the way that it always had been, with her, and likely always would be, that is, if Jillian allowed that behavior to continue without interruption.
It was an eerie, yet all too familiar sight, really, for her to encounter and Jillian felt herself frown at Erin for a moment, because after all, she never did quite like to see this behavior whenever it happened.
It made her uncomfortable, truthfully, and everything about it had always seemed to be a little too self-destructive for her taste; however, in the back of her mind, she did know that this behavior served a good purpose, as twisted and shitty as a behavior pattern it turned out to be.
She only used this method solely as a coping mechanism (one of the only ones that she had left, actually) as a way to deal with the lingering anxiety that she had; however, the only catch about that seemed to be, though, which Jillian had come to learn, long ago, was that she seemed to have this somewhat strange tendency to engage in this behavior when and only when it was abundantly clear to the both of them that the anxiety was at its absolute worse.
During those times, it just seemed to happen without Erin herself even realizing it.
Erin could not stop it, either.
She believed that it was the only way.
It was tragic, really.
It was almost as if she needed to do it, Jillian had come to realize, to get some of the anxiety out of her system.
That bothered her more than she could have ever even explained to anyone.
Before Jillian had even had the time to realize it, she had rubbed and rubbed and rubbed that area of her forearm so much and so hard and so persistently that it had since become raw.
Jillian watched her to this, beginning to worry for her again, and knowing that she wanted (she needed) to stop her before she even had the chance to even think about making herself bleed.
It seemed, at least, to her, that whenever, this scratching behavior started, that she always found it to be extremely difficult to convince her to ever stop, but then again, though, Jillian always could.
She always found a way, and she was the only one who ever had, before.
So maybe, Jillian would have to admit to herself, and she had, once before, actually, that possibly there had been one good thing that had come out of this destructive coping mechanism that she had created for herself, and maybe it was the fact that whenever she did this to herself, Jillian had always been able to recognize exactly where she was at mentally, emotionally, as well as otherwise.
Jillian always had a fairly reliable way to tell (in a way that she did not really care to explain or understand) though, then, whenever she was in a really bad place, and, during those times when she was in a really bad place, Jillian always seemed to know, almost instinctively, exactly what she needed to say and exactly what she needed to do in order to help her calm down, stop the endless scratching, and alleviate the anxiety that the other woman had sincerely begun to believe might never end.
Jillian swallowed, and waited for a moment, before she reached over and grabbed the free hand of Erin's that had been scratching, scratching, scratching, and held it in hers, gently.
"Erin, hey, it's okay. You don't need to do that right now, okay. I'm right here. Just talk to me. Please? Tell me what's got you so upset, sweetheart. You're scaring me, Erin."
Jillian chose to be patient and gentle with her, though she knew, deep down inside of herself that she needed to be.
She waited again, deciding to give Erin all the time in the world that she needed to respond to her, although, truthfully, Jillian had to admit, she was not even certain that Erin was even actually listening to her, yet.
She had only thought that because she had only been met with nothing but silence, once again.
Of course…
So maybe, she was gone already, Jillian began to fear.
But, Erin had been listening, though.
She had been listening to all of the words this time and she put them all together in her head in a way that she could understand, as if all of the words were actually a puzzle that Erin felt an uncontrollable need to find a solution to.
There was still a sense of blankness, there, however, to Erin's entire state of being.
Jillian could see it.
Maybe, she would always be blank.
Maybe that was just the way that it was, now, at least.
Jillian sighed, deeply, knowing that nothing she did would ever be able to change it, certainly not now.
Then, she felt her entire stomach drop once again as it had finally, but only then occurred to her for the very time first that maybe, maybe she might actually have known the reasoning behind why Erin had gone and done all this, all along.
Why Erin had gone and disappeared like that for days.
Why she had gone up to this very rooftop, late at night, dangling herself over the edge.
Jillian chewed her bottom lip, thinking.
None of that was normal, at least, she herself did not consider any of it as such, so maybe…maybe, no clearly, obviously, there was something much more going on with Erin than she had even ever realized.
At that point in their relationship, Jillian had to admit, that she knew the root and all of the triggers and eccentricities of Erin's anxiety inside and out, probably even better than Erin herself did, truthfully.
She knew that Erin felt sad sometimes, because she had remembered that Erin had told her all about it once, after Jillian had found her crying one morning in their bedroom.
She knew that Erin had quite a bit of trouble feeling good about herself, sometimes, but this was much different.
This was…scary.
Maybe this was all part of some sort of a breakdown, mentally, slowly, it occurred to her suddenly.
Her stomach turned dramatically, tying itself up into several tight knots that Jillian severely doubted would ever be able to be undone by anyone or anything.
She looked sadly at Erin and she felt like she was dying inside.
She shook her head, after a moment of being entirely lost in her own train of thought.
She could not explain it, because she did not quite understand it, but it had not taken her very long at all, really, to decide that she did not like to think like that about it anymore, anyway.
She did not even know or understand why she was.
She just hoped that her fears about Erin were wrong, that she was wrong Erin, at least, just this one time.
There was nothing but silence, there, again, between the two of them, for what felt to Jillian like hours and hours; however, in reality, though, it had only been about a minute, maybe two, at the most.
Then, out of nowhere, a strange and entirely random thought began to creep into her consciousness that maybe, maybe she should just give up on her, maybe she should just give up on Erin.
Honestly, she was not undoubtedly certain of what exactly it had been that had caused this wild idea to penetrate her mind, seemingly and completely out of the blue, though it had only taken her but a second to determine, with everything that she had inside of herself, what a terrible, outrageous, and absurd idea it had been.
Jillian scoffed, shaking her head at herself, dubiously.
Her cheeks turned red with guilt for even ever considering that an idea as fantastic and crazy as that, even if she had only done so very, very briefly.
No, she could never and she would never give up on Erin.
It just did not even make any sense for her to do that, she concluded, not even a little bit and not even in a million years.
She knew that Erin needed her, whether Erin herself even knew it or not.
Jillian always wanted to be there for her, and she always would be, well, at least, for as long as Erin might allow her to be, whether Erin had even been aware of it or not.
Now, that she had found Erin, Jillian even doubted her very ability to even allow Erin to try and wander away from her and vanish again, without even a single word.
No, there was no way that she was going to allow Erin to spend another night away from her, wandering around, alone, with no where at all to go and with no one there to protect her from…everything in the whole world.
Then, something next to her, in the world, shifted slightly, startling her.
The movement, no matter how small and almost immeasurable it had been, had been just enough to capture her attention almost instantly.
She felt herself shudder again, violently.
It broke through her seemingly eternal stream of consciousness, rather easily, actually, and she had a strong feeling that it had only broken through her thoughts because it was Erin.
Erin moved her body over and leaned closer to her, slightly, in order to rest her head onto Jillian's left shoulder gently.
The fact that this was the very first time that Erin had even initiated any kind of contact, no matter how significant or insignificant, with her, had not been lost on Jillian, not even for one moment.
Jillian knew that this was a reassuring, comforting sign, and she was hopeful, hopeful because she knew that this was a sign that at least a small piece of the old Erin that she had been able to remember, the Erin that she had always known, might still have existed somewhere inside of this much different Erin that seemed to be the only Erin that existed now, right in front of her, and Jillian would have believed that if had not known any better.
Somewhere, in there was the real Erin.
She was sure of it.
Loving, warm, kind.
The Erin that she had been missing so terribly was all three of those things and infinitely more.
Jillian just needed to find that Erin again.
She knew that she would, too, eventually, as long as she really wanted to and really tried.
It was very dark at that point, and Erin's face appeared to be only partially illuminated by a tiny light coming from somewhere (from exactly where, neither one of them really even knew), but Jillian focused only on her and she paused for a moment when she could have sworn that she could see a few, quiet tears slide down her cheeks.
Jillian frowned, though, and when she reached over to touch her face, gently, she found that it was damp, but she observed then that Erin did not even seem to be aware of any of it.
Erin was crying.
Jillian could feel a crack form in her heart once again, suddenly.
From that small amount of contact between the two women, Jillian could feel that Erin had still been shaking against her, then, although by that time, it had seemed to be not as violent as it had once been, just a few minutes before, when Erin had been standing up on the edge.
Jillian moved, then, too, stroking Erin's back a few times, trying her very best to comfort her, before wrapping one of her arms around her slowly.
She wanted to be able to stop all of the tears.
Stop all of her tears.
She held Erin as close to her as she possible could have, almost smothering her, and she thought to herself quietly that she was not sure if she would even ever be able to let Erin go, again.
Erin sniffled, and before long, she had begun to settle down a bit.
Soon, the trembling had altogether ceased.
Jillian leaned her left cheek against the top of Erin's head just for a moment and let out a slow sigh.
Jillian thought, then, that she might have heard something, though, for a moment, breaking through the perennial silence of the universe.
It took her almost a full moment before she was finally able to recognize exactly what the source of the sound that she had heard had actually been.
It.
Finally.
She let out a slow sigh of relief, and she felt the corners of her mouth turn up into an almost smile.
She could not help herself.
She had realized only then exactly how much she had missed hearing it, after all of this time, only after beginning to fear that she might never hear it again, only after beginning to fear that Erin might never speak again.
She almost began to cry, herself, for she felt that it was, at that moment, at least, the single most glorious sound in existence that she though that she had ever heard or ever even would hear, for that matter.
Erin's sweet, sweet voice.
"I'm sorry, Jillian."
It emerged first, as a slight, yet somewhat scratchy whisper, so faint and so brief that Jillian knew she would have missed it entirely if she had not been paying close attention, but she could not bring herself to care much about that, honestly.
The only thing that mattered, then, truthfully, was that Erin had finally spoken to her, again, and it was beautiful.
Jillian had heard it, she knew that she had, and that was the precise and only way that she had decided to believe that what she had just heard had actually been real.
Erin tilted her head upwards and looked at her right in the eye, fresh tears were threatening to fall again at any moment.
She swallowed, heavily, and blinked at her, and it almost seemed as if she were in a daze, again, looking off into the distance at something that even Jillian herself had not seemed to be aware of.
The blonde felt a few more tears slip down her own cheeks and she could tell from the mournful, yet seemingly sincere tone of Erin's apology that she had absolutely meant what she had said.
She held her even tighter, unsure of what she could or even should say anymore.
Besides…
"It's alright, Erin."
"I didn't mean it. I swear, I didn't mean to worry you. I just…"
Erin trailed off for just a moment, seeming to be somewhat unexpected, even to Erin herself, as she tried her very best to find the right words to say.
Her eyes were almost as wide as saucers, glistening wildly under the moonlight.
She only continued after a slight pause, keeping watch over Jillian closely.
"I think I just needed some time…to be alone, but I didn't mean to disappear like that. I didn't mean to worry you. I don't know why I did any of this, but I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Erin repeated it herself over and over quietly, ruminating.
She bowed her head then, to inspect the skin of her right forearm, the skin that she had since rubbed raw.
Her cheeks were getting hot, too hot, and she could feel them burning up.
She thought to herself for a moment about scratching again, because it was the only real way, anymore, it seemed.
Jillian seemed to be able to sense this sudden, yet familiar change in her demeanor.
It had come very close to starting all over again.
It was all too painful, and Erin did not know if she was even strong enough to handle much more of it.
Jillian, though, seemed to be able to sense that the anxiety had been building up again, somewhere inside of her, and she had to do something before it became much too much and the cycle of chronic scratching began again.
Jillian decided that it would be best to distract her from, hopefully, at the very least, even having an awareness of her own anxiety level.
Whether or not Jillian would actually be successful in that venture, here, now well, that was anyone's guess.
Still, she resorted to stroking Erin's hair, delicately, and calmly, before whispering into her ear, and she felt that it was almost as if she were trying to sooth a young child.
"Shhh. Just breathe. It's alright. It's alright. I promise you. I know that you're sorry and I you didn't mean to. But, you just need to talk to me when you feel this upset from now on, alright? Remember when I told you that before? Remember when I told you that you didn't have to be afraid, that you could tell me anything? I love you, Erin, and I want to help you, okay? I don't want to see anything bad ever happen to you. I don't want you to ever, ever, ever do anything like this ever again, and I need to hear you promise me that you won't, Erin, okay?"
Jillian's eyes glistened with hot, tears, as she allowed her mind to wander for just a few moments.
She pressed her lips together, tightly, waiting for an answer, waiting for something from Erin a sign of any kind of acknowledgement that Erin had even heard and processed what it was that Jillian had just said to her, though, she had found herself suddenly trying her hardest to remember exactly what it had been that was the very last thing she had said to Erin right before she had gone missing.
Days and days and days.
She thought and thought and thought about it, but she could not, for the life of her, come up with an answer.
She had just about given up on trying to remember, when, out of almost nowhere, really, it came to her.
And, once she had come to realize what it had been, she was not quite sure how she could have ever even forgotten it.
Take care of yourself, Erin. I love you.
Erin had only stared at her, unblinking, her eyes simmering with a secret that only she herself knew, then.
I will.
She had only said, before turning away from Jillian, maybe just a little bit too quickly.
She had acted as if she had never even heard the second part of what Jillian had said to her.
She never had said 'I love you' back to her.
Jillian had noticed it then, too, though, (because how could she have not noticed, something like that), and she had felt that that was just a little bit too odd, maybe, but for some reason, that was still unclear to her, even now, sitting on the rooftop with Erin, it had not even occurred to her at that time, to say anything about it at all, to question her.
But of course, she had not, because Jillian had no idea, then, that anything was even wrong.
Jillian was certain, now, that if she had, Erin might not have disappeared at all.
An hour later, Erin had vanished, and it was already too late for Jillian to ask Erin why she did not say 'I love you', too.
But, how could she not have seen it?
How could she not have known it?
How?
Jillian always wondered that to herself, because it just did not make any sense to her.
She knew that it most likely never would, how it had been that the person that she loved most in the world had been in trouble, and she had been completely oblivious to it all.
It had been the very question that had seemed to haunt every part of her existence each and every day since Erin had left her, and yet, for the life of her, she had never even come close to finding the answer.
It even penetrated her dreams, which is what scared her the most about it all.
It was the reason why she never slept, anymore.
It had been precisely that, paired on some level with an intense, persistent fear that maybe, maybe this had been all her fault.
Jillian had questioned herself over it all many, many times, wondering, worrying endlessly whether or not she had done something to her, albeit unintentionally, but, of course, it had been unintentionally, that made her want to…
No, it was too painful for Jillian to even consider that to be true, although, sometimes she had felt herself begin to think that it might have been, because she had been so desperate for am explanation, the reason why being because she loved Erin more than she herself even knew that that Erin had even been aware of.
No, she would have never done anything like that, to hurt her, to cause her to want to leave everything and everyone that she had never known behind.
However, she guessed that she had to admit that that possibility had still existed, which had all been an unbelievably frustrating concept for Jillian to have to accept and grapple with every day, that is, whether she did or did not to hurt Erin.
Whether or not she had actually caused all of this to happen.
So, she did almost nothing except replay each and every single interaction with Erin that she had ever had the pleasure of having, studying them, examining them.
She had obsessed over each one, over and over again, incessantly, sometimes twice in one day, trying desperately to find something, anything, an answer from any part of it.
Of course, she had never been able to find a solution to what exactly it was that she had been searching for so maniacally, and the reason for why that was, was, of course, because a solution simply did not exist.
There was no real answer to it, at least, not one that ever made any sense to her, and Jillian knew that, deep inside herself, but still, the distress that she had experienced, knowing that she might never actually discover that it was that drove Erin to this was enough to cause her to begin to question her own sanity.
Jillian could not find any instance that she had done something wrong, because she had not done anything wrong at all.
She had almost given up altogether, because she just could not do it anymore.
It had all started to become too much, really, for all of them, in fact, to deal with.
She had begun to accept the fact that Erin had just gone away somewhere, seeming to have been entirely a result her own volition (and now, she knew that for sure), although Jillian still could not comprehend the precise reason why.
She was not quite sure that she had even wanted to understand it, ever.
So, Jillian concluded that the only thing there had been left to do, had been to find Erin and she had a thirst for it, that she had been sure that could never be fully satisfied until, and only until, Erin was found, safe and sound
Although, she was fully aware, now, just how persistently Erin had been dishonest with her, meaning, before all of this bad stuff happened.
She knew, then, that Erin had been lying to her each and every time she had assured Jillian that she was fine.
Each and every time, that Jillian had begun to suspect that there might have been a problem, and Erin assured her not to worry about her.
Look, I would tell you if there was going on, okay? Stop worrying.
But, none of that even seemed to matter much now, Jillian thought to herself, so she chose to forget it, because she had her Erin back.
The two women stayed, there, huddled together on the rooftop, for…well, Jillian was not even quite sure exactly how long it had been, though something told her that it been long enough, too long, actually.
It was only getting later, and the night was getting darker, and murkier, and Jillian had to admit that she did not feel all that comfortable, really, with the very idea of either Erin or herself spending even one more minute on this rooftop.
It made every inch of Jillian's body begin to itch, so she knew that they needed to go, right now, and Jillian knew that neither one of them was even aware of what time of night it currently was.
She was just tired and she just wanted to go home.
She just wanted to get Erin home, too, finally, where she belonged.
She just hoped that Erin could allow her to take her there, although whether or not Erin was going to come with her or resist, she had no idea, but she wanted to at least try, and she had to, really.
For Erin's sake, only.
It would not be safe out for her here, that night, without her.
She could feel it.
Jillian hesitated for a moment, before she unwrapped herself from Erin and stood up slowly, carefully, as to not startle her.
She turned around to face Erin and held out a hand to her.
"Come on, Erin. I want to go home. Let's go home, okay? Will you come with me?"
Jillian asked, her voice soft and melodic, her tone somewhat hopeful.
Something inexplicable, but deep inside of her, though, told Jillian, then, that it was doubtful that Erin was going to comply.
Somehow, Jillian felt that it was going to be difficult to convince Erin to come with her.
Erin was still afraid, of what, Jillian had no idea, but she had always found it to be frustratingly and almost mind numbingly difficult to try and reason with her when she was afraid.
Maybe, she just was not ready to come home, Jillian considered.
She had no idea, just then, just how right she had been.
Erin only stared at her outstretched hand.
She appeared to be a little confused and she did not move.
Then, she scrunched up her face, as if in disgust at the very idea of it.
"I don't want to come home."
Erin said quietly, her tone as cold at ice.
Jillian had anticipated this resistance, though, she had to admit that this flat out rejection that she had just received from Erin felt like a harsh slap right to the face.
She was shocked.
"Erin, I…"
Jillian stuttered, unable even to get a coherent sentence out.
Erin turned away.
"I want you to leave now."
Erin told her defiantly, suddenly, sounding very much like a small, petulant child, indicating that this was not a discussion that she was willing to have, not now and not ever, even if only for a moment, although her voice had betrayed her by trembling noticeably.
She would most certainly not go back home with her and that was final.
She probably never would, really, Erin knew.
It was not even like she felt that she did not belong there, anyway, so what did it even matter?
Erin did not and could not understand why Jillian was asking her to go somewhere where she did not belong.
"No, I'm not leaving you here, Erin."
Jillian answered, quickly, without missing a single beat, feeling a little bit of her anger flaring up behind her eyes at such a ludicrous request.
She had made sure that she had kept it in check, this time, though, always.
Jillian could see tears slide down Erin's nose again and she noticed that Erin suddenly looked as if she might have regretted, deeply, the very last thing she had said.
Jillian let out a slow sigh, her expression softening again.
"Look, Erin, we don't have to go home right now if you don't want to, but can you at least let me take you somewhere where I know you'll be safe? I'm certainly not comfortable with the idea of leaving you up here alone, nor am I comfortable with you wandering around by yourself for another night, with nowhere to go."
Erin was looking, somewhere.
"I'll be alright, Jillian. I promise, okay?"
Erin whispered, trying, but knowing that she was failing miserably to dismiss Jillian and her endless concern.
"Erin, please. I'm worried about you. I don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
After a full minute, Erin finally looked to her once again.
She breathed out slowly, before finally grabbing Jillian's hand as gently as she could.
"Alright."
Erin gave in, exactly in the manner that Jillian had held out hope that she always would, from the very moment that she had first realized that it was her, standing on the edge of everything.
The corners of Jillian's mouth turned up into a small smile, as she helped Erin up into a standing position.
"Thank you."
Jillian told her quietly, her tone of voice slow and sincere in its message.
She looked into Erin's eyes, wanting her to know that she meant it.
She had been grateful, really, but she had also been incredibly relieved that Erin had even chosen, willingly, to grant to the chance to help her in this way.
She sincerely doubted that she could have wished for anything more than that, at that time, truthfully.
Jillian tightened the grip that she had on Erin's hand just slightly, and she had no intention on ever letting go of her this time, as she guided her very slowly and carefully back across the rooftop, down through the empty building, and then back outside onto the sidewalk below.
It was at that exact moment, that she felt another, stronger wave of pure relief wash over her once more when she realized that she had actually been able to get Erin back on solid ground once again.
She was no longer wavering, trembling, on the edge of sheer peril, on the very edge of the Earth.
"Where are we going?"
Erin spoke again, somewhat apprehensive, once they had began walking, somewhere.
Her small voice had been rather innocent, sounding very much like a child's again, but this time, in a much different way than it had been before, though it had come out sounding somewhat anxious again, as well, so Jillian was quick to make sure that she gave her hand a brief, yet reassuring squeeze.
Jillian thought to herself about it, what exactly the answer to Erin's question was, for a moment before she shrugged her shoulders.
"Uh, I'm not exactly sure."
She decided to admit it out loud, because somehow, she had a feeling that it would be safe to do that, even in front of Erin.
Maybe, she had only been stalling, but maybe, she really did not know where they were going.
Neither one of them could really tell, actually.
But, they both knew that it would be alright, wherever they ended up, together.
Besides, Jillian had wanted just a little more time with her, so she had decided to lie to her, about where they were headed, because she knew that if she just had a little more time with her, then she could convince Erin to change her mind and come home with her again, willingly.
After all, that was the only place where she needed to be.
After all, that was where she truly belonged, even if Erin herself did not know it, and, Jillian was definitively certain now, that Erin did not know it.
Erin bit the inside of her cheek gently, unsure whether or not she actually believed what Jillian had just told her.
They walked together, down the sidewalk, moving further and further away from the rooftop, slowly, and Erin had finally decided to accept what Jillian had said, though a small part of her did still wonder whether or not this was all a lie.
Jillian held onto her as tightly as possible, in fact, it had gotten almost to the point where she was cutting off the blood circulation in Erin's hand, though, she did not even seem to notice it.
They walked for a few for minutes, each of them seeming to be hopelessly lost in their own head and their own thoughts.
Jillian had actually been as hard as she could, but for some reason, she could not seem to be capable of forcing herself to speak to Erin, now.
She could not force herself to tell Erin all of the reasons that she had wanted to tell her as to why she felt it was so important for Erin to come home with her, that night.
She could not speak to Erin to let her know just how much she loved her.
Jillian could almost not stand it, anymore.
The silence between them had become too heavy.
Her stomach bubbled, angrily.
Everything was getting heavier and heavier by the second, Jillian felt.
She could not breath and she felt that she was merely only one second away from being crushed into nothing.
Everything around them was slowing down, it seemed, and she could not understand why.
Erin was silent beside her, and Jillian wondered to herself whether or not Erin felt as if she were about to be crushed, too.
She wondered to herself what exactly it had been that Erin was currently feeling inside at all, frankly.
Then, something else seemed to happen and it everything stopped, seemingly just as quickly as it had began.
Everything seemed to go back to normal, when it happened, when she heard it, and she had been so shocked by it that it stopped her dead in her tracks.
"I love you, Jillian."
Jillian looked at her, abruptly her brow furrowing, not quite sure if she thought that her tone had been sincere or not, for she had not been exactly paying as close attention to Erin as she probably should have been, she admitted.
It seemed to Jillian almost as if it were somewhat of an afterthought, for Erin to tell her something like that, out of the blue, completely.
"What did you say?"
She questioned, itching to know what it was that she had really heard.
But, Erin was staring at her, her eyes soft.
Her nose crinkled.
Then, she answered her.
She said it again, she said the words, and she decided that she would mean them even more, the second time.
"I said…I love you, Jillian."
Erin repeated herself, somewhat playfully.
Jillian could see, then, for the first time that her eyes had gotten just a little brighter, in that moment, only, and somewhere between the time, when they were still on the rooftop, together, to where they were now (neither of them were actually sure), several blocks away, there seemed to be a small amount of life in her eyes again, simmering gently just below the surface.
There had only been a trace of the light to speak of, but Jillian could still see it, and it was comforting, though Jillian would have said that she was just grateful that there was even anything there, in her eyes, at all, especially because, she knew that she would never be able to forget how before there had been nothing, and seeing nothing in her eyes had terrified her even more than she was certain that even the old Erin would ever be able to comprehend.
"I love you, too, Erin."
Erin fell back into silence, so Jillian decided to continue.
"Everything's going to be alright, Erin. I promise."
Then…
It was Erin's turn to stop, now.
"You do?"
She croaked.
"Of course I do."
Jillian answered smoothly, glancing over at her.
Erin's brow furrowed.
She paused for a moment, wondering for a moment.
"This is real?"
Erin whispered randomly, but she seemed to have been asking herself that question more than she had been asking Jillian.
Jillian wrapped an arm around her, gently, again.
"This is real, Erin. It's alright."
Erin seemed to wait for something, for just a moment.
She blinked back a new set of tears in her eyes and she tried her best to smile at Jillian.
She failed, miserably, but Jillian could not even bring herself to care, because that small, almost imperceptible action was actually much more than Jillian would have ever thought Erin would have been capable of, at that moment, at least.
Jillian exhaled slowly, deciding to allow herself to believe, only for a moment, though, that maybe she did have another chance with Erin.
Maybe she did have a chance to get the old Erin back, the Erin that she could remember, the Erin that she loved more than anything in this world.
Erin only needed some more time, Jillian knew that now, and she decided that she would just have to give her as much time as Erin needed, as long as Jillian knew that Erin would be somewhere where she would always be safe, and she would not have to worry, anymore, though, Jillian was positive that she still worry herself sick over her.
It was the only way to get the old Erin back.
It was only a matter of time, but she knew that Erin would come home, eventually.
She would have to come home to her.
She just had to.
Sometime.
Jillian just hoped that Erin would decide that she was ready, sooner rather than later.