AN: So I know it's been a while (a very long while) and I apologize for that. Life has been getting in the way, lots of personal stuff along with writer's block and my partner-in-crime's absence (who is also my beta), it's all been affecting me. Hazard to Myself will be updated sooner or later, once I can figure out where I want to go next. I haven't forgotten about that story, don't you fear! It will be updated, and I will complete the story as I don't like to leave anything unfinished (I'm extremely OCD about it). But as of now, I want to jump on this bandwagon about a story that's been brewing in my mind for a little while now. Maybe this will help me with my writer's block, maybe not? Who knows, but just know I haven't given up on that story.

I did put up a one shot quite a few months ago, called Kendall Seeks a Medium if you want to check that out. Not trying to plug my own stuff, just wanted you people to be aware of it, and that yes even though I haven't updated, I did put out something this past summer.

I don't know how long this is going to be just as of yet. I think I'm just going to write until I deem this story to have said whatever it has needed to be said. It will be longer than a one-shot though. I will update when I can, I at least hope I can update once a week, maybe Friday/Saturday/Sundays since during the week will be hard since I'm in school. But unless I get crazy inspired, and feel the need to update during the week, I will stick to Friday/Saturday/Sunday.

This story is going to be a bit cliché to a lot of other stories on here, so I also apologize for that. But I hope to make it different for all of ya. James and Logan are going to be a bit OOC, even though this is show!verse. I mean even though they'll have their usual personalities, some aspects about them will be OOC (you'll see). This is a Jagan slash story (well it will eventually), so if you're not into that, just don't read. I have gotten a lot of comments on my other stories about how "they didn't like it was slash", but truthfully, it was there in the summary of the story, so I'm not sorry that you had to read guyxguy action.

Also, since my partner-in-crime, who is also my beta, is a little MIA for the moment (she has personal things going on in her life), I'm in need of a beta, so if anyone is interested, I'd be willing to see if we'd make a great fit. Just PM me, if you want.

So without further a do: Always Have

I do not own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize.

Another concert, another night of Logan bringing someone back with him to the bus, which means another night that James must use his noise-cancelling headphones to get through the night. Logan may be a genius and a nerd at heart, but he surely knows how to pick up the fans and charm them into his bunk for a "once in a lifetime" experience. The fans eat that shit up; it's just so easy for Logan.

However, instances such as these also occur when they aren't on tour. It just gets to James more once they're on the road. There's nowhere for him to go to escape- it's not like he can jump off the bus in the middle of the freeway (although that thought has crossed his mind more often then he'd probably like to admit). At least when they're home at the Palm Woods, he can go hang and possibly crash at other friend's apartments.

Carlos and Kendall know all about James' frustrations, and have urged him to talk to the smart boy about how he's feeling. But James always chickens out right before. Not only does he not like the whole "sexiling" thing (James and Logan share a bedroom in the Palm Woods), but he doesn't like how much Logan doesn't even realize what he's doing, as well as how much he's hurting James.

Yeah, James is in love with Logan. He basically has been in love with that nerd since the two completed the transformation of puberty; upon which James figured out he was bisexual. What was once a best friend had turned into some sort of admiration with Logan, which after a few late night thinking sessions, turned into the realization of love. He can't pinpoint what it is exactly that makes him love Logan, however does it really matter? Logan has really grown into himself since moving to LA; his confidence has definitely improved, he dresses exceptionally well, he even works out and is almost catching up to the muscles James is notorious for. All this aside, Logan is a caring, gentle, and sensitive man. He loves to be needed, and James has always wanted someone that could be there for him when it comes to his needs. They're opposites, and when they're put together, they fit together just like a puzzle.

So these sounds of moaning, and groaning across the way are a little out of character for Logan. Once Logan figured out having sex is pretty much the best thing out there since sliced bread, he couldn't get enough. Who's better to have some quick and easy sex with? A fan, of course. Logan usually seems to pick a fan during a meet and greet and keep track of them throughout the show. When the time comes that he chooses his worldwide girl, he whispers and slips a pass into the girl's pocket with a promise of for what's to come later. James grinds his teeth together, because even though he thinks it's sort of disgusting how Logan goes about his business, James wishes it was him that could satisfy Logan. He wishes that after a show they could cuddle on the bus, watch some sort of movie with each other, and fall asleep with each other. Even to potentially do other things of the naughty persuasion together- much like what is happening across from him right now.

When Logan brings back girls, it makes James livid, but when Logan brings back the occasional guy, this really makes that feeling of jumping out of the bus onto the freeway far more appealing to James than anything else.

Yeah, Logan's bisexual too. To be honest, they all are.

Carlos's excuse is that he "has double the opportunities." Kendall, well he's only bisexual because he's in love with that bubbly Latino. And yeah, Carlos is in love with Kendall, they've been together since the beginning of the "Better With U" tour almost 2 years ago. Yeah, James wishes it was just as easy for him and Logan as it was for Kendall and Carlos. But, at least he has Kendall and Carlos on his side. Truthfully, without them, he would rather not think about how he would be.

James may be known as the pretty boy of the four, the one that loves to charm the ladies (and even the guys), but on the inside, upon a deeper look, he's not like that. His counterbalance for loving Logan makes him seem shallow, and it's only to combat and take his mind off of what he really feels. Everyone knows he's bisexual, and he's accepted it from the get-go, but it's hard to pretend he's interested in someone else when the one person he truly wants doesn't have a clue.

Don't get him wrong, James has had a couple of serious relationships before, and he truly did love them as much as he could, too. His last relationship, which was with a girl, lasted for almost 3 months before she let him go to chase his object of affection. Logan has had just one serious relationship before, Camille, who was an actress and a resident at the Palm Woods. After Camille broke up with Logan (because she knew about how in love James is with him, and to be honest, she can see Logan is in love with him too, no matter how much Logan can't see that), he started up with the one night stands and empty, random hookups. On tour, Logan mainly gets with girls, but occasionally when they get the days off and they're able to party at night and act their age, Logan would pick up a guy (not all the time, but that's when it would happen)- and it'd rock his world. Those are the nights that James sleeps in Kendall and Carlos' bus all night, crawled up in a ball. It takes Kendall and Carlos a while before they can get James to uncurl himself from the ground and into one of their extra bunks- or on a couch.

Luckily (and he means luckily), for tonight, Logan's flavor of the night was a girl, so he was able to at least let the night pass. However, tonight's girl was pretty annoying, like he can't even understand how Logan is getting off of the girl's whiny mouse-like voice. He's just counting down the minutes until he can get up and get a drink of water without possibly running into a naked girl, or even worse, a naked Logan. God knows he couldn't handle himself if he saw Logan naked.

~*PAGE BREAK*~

James finally hears the door of the bus slam shut. They finally reached the fuel station for the bus, and Logan and his hookup of the night have finished, so he can finally rest easy. James opens up the curtains of his bunk, stretches out all his muscles and cracks all of his joints, and makes his way to the kitchen area for a snack and some water. Just as he's finishing putting together a delicious PB&J sandwich, he sees Logan walk back up the stairs of the bus in just a pair of sweatpants, no shirt.

"Oh hey there bud, didn't know you were awake." Logan greets James, claps his hand on his shoulder as he himself fixes himself a PB&J.

"Yep, I've been awake the entire time!" James emphasizes entire time, making it known to Logan that he knows what happened.

"Oh sorry dude, you should've said something, I wouldn't have brought her back." Logan apologizes, and he guesses it could've sounded sincere.

"Mhm" James dismisses Logan, and turns to take a seat at the table, trying to just eat his sandwich as fast as he can so he can ignore Logan better and go to sleep.

"James, is everything ok?" Logan sits next to James in the booth at the table, looking at James questioningly.

"Yep" And James likes to give one word answers when he doesn't want to talk about something, especially when he's upset.

"There's the one word answers, please, tell me whats going on? You're my best friend, and part of my job is to make sure you're ok."

"Logan, everything is fine, I just am tired, tonight's show wore me out. It was an oven outside, and jumping around doesn't help it."

"I don't think that's it. You've been quiet for most of this tour, and it's a little unlike you. We hardly talk to each other anymore."

"Well, that's not all my fault" James responds, his words biting at Logan.

"I apologize if me bringing back people makes you uncomfortable, just say the word, and I'll stop." Logan pleads to James.

Now James knows he can't tell Logan to stop, because then Logan will resent James. And the last thing James wants is for Logan to feel like he resents James.

"Whatever makes you happy dude. Now if you'll excuse me, my bed is calling me." He throws away his garbage and makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and call it a night. Maybe watch some Netflix or listen to some tunes till he falls asleep. He doesn't even let Logan get another word in edge wise before he slams the door to the bathroom shut. He does what he has to do, and then makes his way to his bunk and gets himself comfy. After a little while, he feels a draft. Then someone crawling into the bunk with him. Logan has done this before; they've all cuddled with each other various times before.

"James, really, tell me what's wrong." Logan pokes at James, who has his back facing Logan. Logan literally has to spoon James in order to have room in the small bunk.

James turns over, tears almost filling his eyes after he hears the tone Logan used, and how Logan is holding him right now. Logan notices those tears in his eyes, and immediately wraps him in a strong hold.

"James, you're not going to feel better unless you talk about it. Studies have shown that holding in your feeling, thoughts, and emotions tend to make you feel worse."

James chuckles, "Only you could turn this moment into a lesson of some sort."

Logan chuckles as well, "Well, it is true."

They remain quiet for a while, Logan keeping James in a hold, and rubbing his back in a soothing manner.

"I'm just working through some things right now, some things I'm not ready to share. But I promise I will tell you when I am ready. You'll be the first to know." James shares with Logan, and looks him in the eye while saying so.

"Ok James, that's fine." He starts to unwrap himself from the hold, and make his way to his bunk. "Just holler if you need me, you know where I am." And Logan gives a little wave and shuts the curtains to James's bunk.

James automatically misses the warmth Logan had provided, but he knows Logan didn't mean the gesture by anything more than just a friend, a brother caring for another brother. But as James lies back in his bunk, he wishes and he dreams for a day when the gesture will mean more than that.