loving me is hard
one-sided camille/logan
an: dedicated to JustWriteTheStory for being able to put a smile on my face with a simple message. this one's for you, honey.
thanks to xavia for editing, i love you girl!
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"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind…"
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Camille is a girl of painted on expression and glitzy clothes, the taste of Hollywood on her tongue. It tastes like beer and bitter breakups, fakeness layered with glitter and sun tan lotion. She breathes in hairspray like addicts chase the dragon (and she's chasing something she can never have).
She dreams of making it onto the big screen, having people fall over her. She dreams of making the voices stop, the ones that tell her that she's not pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough.
She lets those people influence her, dig down under her skin and bury themselves between the hollows of her ribs and grin from inside her.
But most of all, she wants out of her body.
She wants to be buried in peoples minds. She wants to be able to dance on peoples' tongues, have her name dance across the airwaves of radio and see her reflection in the flash of cameras, click click click.
She wants to be famous, wants to be pretty pretty pretty and worth something something something, have lights sparkle in her eyes on her worst days.
She wants to be loved.
Because frankly, that's what everything comes down to in life. It comes down to a four-letter word, one syllable. Two vowels and two consonants.
Love, the term that drives some to drugs to chase down the hurt, that empty hollow between the ribs that beats without feeling. It's what drowns some in hate, it's what people strive for but some can never get.
And her, Camille, the glitzy Hollywood actress who is over-the-top and oh-so-spectacular, well, she can't get it no matter how hard she tries.
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It's raining outside, dousing her gown and her mascara is running, she knows it. She wipes at her eyes and her screams are drowned out by the whistle of the siren, cherry and blue lights flashing in her eyes (and this is not what she wanted, no no no it wasn't oh nonon).
Lights dance around the outside in flickering patterns that should entice her eyes, but instead she just feels hollow and she's breaking. The pieces of her are shattering. The bond that connects her fragments together, the glue of herself, is slowing aging with time and it's only moments before she self-destructs.
She hugs the blanket closer to her, gunshots still in her ears. She can still see the blood and smell the coppery taste, feel the shock in her bones.
Then, there were people screaming and running, pushing her around, bruising her and oh they hurt her, they hurt her with sharp elbows and high-pitched screams. Her back aches and her ears ring.
She turns her head and sees the dead body being rolled away. She knows that no matter how hard she tries, the memory will never fade, never be erased. She'll never be able to unsee the body of the beautiful sixteen-year-old boy.
(And Big Time Rush will never be the same, she thinks as she chews on her lip until blood enters her mouth and she shakes and shakes and tears enter her eyes.)
Camille turns her head a fraction of an inch and sees Logan sitting next to her, suit covered in splatters of the crimson, flooded in a best friend's blood. He's babbling words, tears in his eyes, and he's shaking so bad that Camille's heart aches.
"Logan?" she whispers.
He jumps, staring at her with shattering eyes that glitter like diamonds. He looks like shards of precious stones all melted down, something that was once so beautiful that's now so broken and disfigured.
Strange what the loss of a best friend can do to you.
"Are you okay, Logan?" she asks.
He looks at her, finally looks at her. That cloudly look disappears from his eyes. He falls back down to Earth (and God, this wasn't how she wanted it), looking at her before he looks down at his suit and sees the dried blood.
"He's gone," he whispers. "He's gone, dead, he's gone and he's not coming back and he's dead and why why why did he have to go he left me why," he babbles.
He screams and sobs so loud that Camille thinks that maybe his lungs should be exploding, his voice box shattering but nothing happens. He just looks like a broken boy who lost a best friend and a band member and nothing will ever fill that gap.
"I'm sorry, Logan, I'm so sorry," she whispers sadly, reaching over to touch his shoulder.
He jumps and his eyes are frantic, wide and scared and so fucking broken that Camille lets the tears clinging to her eyelashes fall and she sobs along with him.
She gathers him in her arms, rocking him and he screams and sobs.
"Why he left it was meant for me he was trying to kill me but he jumped in and saved me and he's dead dead dead dead dead and he's not coming back why did he have to go why I miss him I love him don't leave me please."
"I'm so so sorry, Logan," she sobs into his hair and he shakes. "How are the other boys doing?"
"No no no no no no no no no," Logan mumbles, fingers gripping her arms so tight that she's afraid that she'll shatter at his feet, break into a hundred little pieces. "They're still alive now they have to be I can't lose another one."
"You won't, Logan, you won't," she cries into his hair.
Finally, after what seems like forever, his tears dry up and he just sits limp in her arms, staring at the ground like a broken dead doll.
"I'm sorry," Camille whispers. "I'm so sorry."
"Not your fault it was mine, not your fault," Logan stutters.
"This isn't how I wanted it, I'm so sorry. Prom is ruined now, I'm sorry."
"He's gone. He's dead," he whispers.
"I know, I know Logan, I know that he's dead. But he died to save you, and you should remember that-"
Logan screams so loud that Camille's ears ring and she kisses him hard, just to make him shut up.
He grips her upper arms in her fingertips, body shaking like a tornado. He presses his tongue into her mouth. He tastes like salt (from his tears) and desperation (to make the memory go away).
This isn't how it should be, but frankly, if it'll take Logan's mind off watching his best friend being shot by a crazy fan, Camille is willing to strip off her clothes right here in the rain (and in front of the police and shaking people and yellow tape and smell of blood and the hearts broken of three boys because the fourth one is dead) and let Logan take her.
She can't stand to see him like this, she can't. She can't watch him die in front of her eyes and end up an empty shell. If this can postpone that inevitable death, the dimming of his eyes and the breaking of his heart, than damnit it, she'll do it.
"He loved you, I love you, lovelovelove," Camille whispers into his mouth as she kisses him again, hard.
Finally, after about five minutes of kissing, his fingers fumble with the sleeve of her dress.
She's getting weird looks, but this is all just acting and isn't that what she always wanted to be, watched by everyone? (No no, never like this, never)
"He loved you, remember that," Camille whispers and she wants to scream when his fingers fall off her dress. The heat disappears and the lights start to dim from his eyes. He's fading and she can't help it. He's dying in front of her eyes.
"Loved, loved, past tense because he's gone he's dead-" Logan starts.
Camille cuts him off with a kiss, fingers holding on for dear life in his hair. "No no no no no, Logan, no."
She's desperate and she knows it but she's lost one friend tonight, she can't lose another (and the evidence is all over Logan's outfit).
"Please," she whispers, eyes shattering like diamonds. "Please, Logan, don't leave me. You can't die, please."
His face is becoming paler and his eyes are dimming, the life falling out of his face and she looks around frantically.
She glances around and sees Jo and Katie busy with the other two guys. Her heart shatters when she sees that they're almost lost too.
"No, come on, you can't die. One is enough for tonight, come on. You and your two friends are strong, you can do it. You have to!"
"Dead," is all Logan croaks out before his fingers stop moving. His chest is still moving up and down but Camille knows that there's nothing in that lifeless body anymore, no spark and no soul and nothing that she fell in love with.
"No," she whispers. "No no no no. NO NO NO!!!"
"How are they doing?" Camille screams at Jo and Katie. "How are they, did we lose them?"
Jo and Katie lift their heads and they look lost too, broken and deflated.
"It looks like they're in a coma!" Katie screams, little girl sobbing. Jo holds the nine-year-old in her arms.
"They're gone," she whispers. "Big Time Rush is gone."
Camille looks towards the sky as the rain continues to pour on, drowning the three boys who had nothing left to live for.
She bends down, whispers, "I love you Logan, just not enough as he did," before running over to Katie and Jo. They take her into their arms and they all sob together, the rain drowning out their pain.
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an: okay, i will admit that that was a little dark. it was depressing as hell and i'm almost crying.
who do you think it was that got shot?