Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. I'm just messing around with it, and I promise that when I'm done, I'll put it back where it was, though it might be a bit demented. Game shows like this are becoming...well...just check around. Anyway, I've already done two of these, but I was bored out of my mind and decided to do another!
Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett would sure have their hands full for the next few weeks. They had agreed to host a show for an obscure network involving Mary Sues, and the set was ready, the Sues had arrived, and the cameras were ready to roll. A good business opportunity was coming, that was certain.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention, puh-lease!?" Toby announced proudly from a script. "Please welcome the contestants of the third season of A Little Mary Sue, the game show that's sweeping the nation! First up, we have Jolene, Sweeney and Lovett's Daughter Sue!"
Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett both looked confused as a cruel-eyed and curly-haired brunette Sue sat at the table where the both of them were ready with questions. "Oh-kay," Sweeney drawled slowly, looking her over for resemblance, which she somehow had. "I have never seen you before in my life." Jolene smirked and leaned across the table.
"Aww, come on, Mum and Dad. This is a Suefic, anything can happen."
"Alright," Mrs. Lovett said, still not entirely convinced. "Well then, in your Suefic, what usually happens?"
"While you guys take off and live in a little cozy cottage by the sea, I take over the family business," Jolene said coolly. "If you know what I mean." She made a gesture to signify cutting someone's throat, and Sweeney made a gesture as to shoo her from the table, not wanting to arouse suspicion.
"Next up, we have Antonia, Anthony's Sister Sue!" Toby announced. Another brunette Sue, this one curvy and kind-eyed, took a seat. She was very pretty and encouraged her brother and Johanna to fall in love. She was also a smart Sue, as the story always demanded, for she had to be clever enough to thwart Judge Turpin.
"Welcome, Antonia," Sweeney greeted her, reading a question off a card. "Question: who is your love interest within most fanfictions?"
"I don't really have a love interest," Antonia confessed. "Sometimes the authors like to pair me with you, but mostly I'm just here to make sure my brother and Johanna don't screw up too badly." She snickered slightly and left the table. Toby called up Jenalle, Judge Turpin's daughter, next.
"Ah, another one of Johanna's half sisters...?" Mrs. Lovett asked. She looked the Sue up and down, noting her slim build, cinnamon colored hair, and sad, soulless looking blue eyes. "So, tell me, deary, what makes you better than the other Sues?"
"I'm not better," Jenalle said simply, half-glaring into space. "None of us is. People suck. But hey, I might as well look out for number one and win this contest if I can." Viewers everywhere aww'd at Jenalle's sadness and angst as she stood up and vacated the table.
"Next: Katyana, the local bar wench Sue!" A redheaded Sue in a revealing and tight-fitting corset dress that showed off too much of her curvaceous figure plopped herself down in the seat.
"Hey Nellie!" she squealed, greeting Mrs. Lovett warmly. "How've you been? It's been so long! Business going great as usual, I suppose, I've been meaning to stop by..."
"Kat, we're on the air," Mrs. Lovett shout-whispered across the table.
"Anyway," Sweeney interrupted, taking out another question card. "Hypothetical situation: you're in a shop and you've just figured out a dangerous secret, and someone is about to cut your throat. What do you do?"
It took Katyana a few seconds to respond, seeing as she remained so obtuse. Finally, she said, "Why would that happen, anyway? Oh well...um...I think I would just say to them, 'Please don't cut my throat, and I'll make it worth your while!' then start taking off my clothes." She nodded, seeming very matter-of-fact, and was dismissed from the table.
"Thayet, the exotic looney-bin escapee beggar Sue!"
A sue with long, dark, raven hair and sad, sad brown almond eyes slunk into the seat. Despite hard conditions, she was slim without being too skinny, and she wore rags that hardly covered her. She looked as though she was going to start sobbing. Sweeney, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, asked, "What have you got that the other Sues haven't?"
"That's an easy one," Thayet said dismally. "Angst and unhappiness. Now, if you'll..." sniffle "...excuse me..." she rose from the table, trembling and crying, leaving millions of viewers in upset disappointment. They had really wanted to hear her sad story, as there's nothing an audience loves more than a depressing, angsty past to make them feel better about themselves.
"Carmina, the 'I fell into Sweeney Todd' Sue!" Carmina sat down at the table, nearly knocking into a chair, as she yakked away on her cellphone.
"Now, deary, what's your story?" Mrs. Lovett asked, raising an eyebrow, the question cards having been completely abandoned at this point. Carmina, who was blonde and perky, with a perfect tan and a sparkly halter top that could be mistaken for a bra and low rise jeans, looked up absently.
"Um, I dunno, can this wait? I'm on the phone. So, anyway, I'm all, 'F.Y.I, he's soooo into me and not you..."
Mrs. Lovett pounded on the table. "Do you even have any sense of where you are?"
Carmina growled irritably, flipping her blonde hair in the ever so Sueish way. "Damn, the signal dropped...wait, what? Where am I? I was just watching my favorite movie, and then..." Finally, it dawned on her. "Whoa...OMG! It's Sweeney Todd! Oh-my-gosh, I flipping love you!"
Toby and the camera men had to physically pry Carmina away from a protesting Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett. Once the crazed fangirl was contained, Alma, the assistant piemaker Sue, lowered herself into the seat with a small plop. Alma, who was Mrs. Lovett's niece, had her aunt's curly black hair, which was in a messy updo, and was wearing a short apron over a ruffled dress, her hands covered in flour. "Alma, so nice to see you around the shop," Sweeney said, with a note of biting sarcasm, still not entirely recovered from the fangirl attack. "So, what do you think about your auntie's secret recipe, eh?"
"Oh, I don't know it," Alma said cheerily. Her expression was alert, but she was painfully oblivious, and Sweeney shot a look at Mrs. Lovett.
"I couldn't just tell her," she whispered.
"You don't know it?" Sweeney repeated, eyebrows raised.
"Nope? I just make 'em, and eat 'em, but I'm not sure what I'm putting in...that's part of the magic!" Alma said with a conspiratory smile, before standing up and flouncing away to join the other Sues.
"Myn, the Author Insertion Sue!" Toby introduced. Myn ran over to the seat, smiling widely. Since this is a fanfiction, she didn't know about people getting baked into Mrs. Lovett's meat pies, because where's the fun in spoiling the surprise? She had shoulder-length chestnut brown hair with a streak of platinum blonde in the front, big, brown eyes that were like swirling pools of...chocolate or something, and was wearing a short and scandalous corset dress with stiletto heels that any normal human would break their legs wearing.
"Myn, as we all know, most good Mary Sues have a dark secret. What's yours?" Sweeney asked.
Myn raised her eyebrows in thought, racking her brain for anything dark and secretive about her. "Well, I'm secretly into feederism, if that counts for anything," she piped. "And it kind of goes along with the whole meat pie thing...I like meat!" she chimed, before she was shooed off the table.
May Apple, the normal, random Sue, was called to the table. She was also blonde and was smiling innocently, wearing too much pink. "So, you're May Apple, eh?" Mrs. Lovett asked unnecessarily. "Everyone knows that Mary Sues, regardless of universe, need to have special powers. So, what are yours?"
May Apple looked down. "There's nothing special about little ol' me," she said. "I mean, sure, animals are instinctively attracted to me, but what's the use in that? And I kind of have superior intuition, but that's the same deal. The power of seduction is really more of a curse..."
"Stop it right now, you're melting my brain!" Sweeney said, clutching his head, and he chucked a pie at May Apple to make her go away.
"And finally, Desdemona, the devious businesswoman Sue!" Desdemona was a suspicious sort of woman, with mistrusting yet beautiful violet eyes and hair the color of a cloudy summer night, or something else worn and overused. She sat daintily in the booth across from the hosts, awaiting a question.
"Desdemona, what is your goal for this show?" Sweeney asked her, to which she began to respond with a smirk:
"It's not the winning that's important. Well, perhaps it is, but really I'm looking for a good opportunity. So, be warned. I'll be watching you, and I have ways to get what I want." She smirked and walked away, leaving Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett rather apprehensive.
"Alright, those are our contestants...ladies, why don't we see the accommodations, hmm?" Sweeney said. With that, he led the Sues (while Alma and Jolene restrained a squealing Carmina) across the street to an abandoned shop with two apartments on the top. "Five Sues to a room, if you will, and I will see you all next week for your first challenge!" he said, and slammed the door behind himself and Mrs. Lovett, leaving the Sues free to explore and choose rooms.
All of the relatively darker Sues gravitated towards each other, while the just and innocent were left in a room together, with exceptions where there was no room left.. While May Apple, Jenalle, Carmina, Thayet, and Antonia unpacked their trunkfuls of clothing and accessories, Jolene hid her razors and knives before Alma, Myn, Katyana, and Desdemona could find them. Alma was arranging the windows to let in more light, and Myn had begun to jump on the bed. "This is going to be great! I have at least a week with all these wonderful people...well, I do hate most of them, but Alma and Jolene are alright. Ooh, that's pretty nail polish, Jolene, but I think you're getting it all over your hands, too..."
Jumping on the bed, Myn's peripheral vision had not recognized the red matter as blood. Meanwhile, on Alma's cam:
"I'm glad Myn thinks I'm alright. She's a bit hyper. I'm a bit worried about Jenalle and Desdemona, though, they might try to run my aunt Nellie out of business! Well, I suppose it's best not to worry unless they really cause a threat. I think I'll go have a pie."
In the other room, Antonia gazed longingly at the sea, ignoring the cameramen. "I can't believe I'm on a game show! In Sweeney Todd! It's a shame I didn't get to get through the whole movie, though. But I wouldn't have paid any attention to the plotline, anyway. Johnny Depp is so hot!" Carmina exclaimed.
Thayet was sitting curled up in an armchair, staring into her camera. "So many bad memories are being triggered inside me right now. I just want to forget. I have no hope of winning, a miserable creature like me..." She shed a few beautiful tears and put her face in her hands, which was good, because her beautiful angst was blinding the viewers.
May Apple's cam was a different story entirely. "I don't know what's going to happen, but I know it will be big. I wish we didn't have to do so many mean things to win on a reality show. Well, that's just life, I suppose. I ought to go in for a haircut soon, I've been needing a new style." She shook out her waves of golden hair and nearly blinded the viewers for a second time that night. "That Mr. Todd scares me a little bit, though."
"I can't say I care what's going to happen," Katyana said into her cam, downing half a Guinness at the same time. "I'm bored, I want to have my boyfriends over, and oh man, I'm going to have such a headache tomorrow. Well, until next week, I guess I'll survive."
She would soon find out that her prediction would hold true for some more than others.
A/N: So, what do you guys think? Like it? Hate it? Well, at least it's better than my old game show shit. And it's kind of hard to understand if it's the first game show you've read...go and read SUEvivor, by Jade Snape-Holloway, she's really good. Review!