A/N: This is actually a chapter in a story my friends and I are writing, but since it would have OC's (us) I figure no one but us would really care. This, however, is just the Amestris military crew.
Disclaimer: Nope, Ed is not actually mine. And Roy isn't Houri's, nor Al, Havoc, Greed, etc. Furu's. Nor is Kain Chibi's. Not that she really wants him anyway. Poor Fuery. Where is the love?
The Adventures of the FMA Military People Part I
Snow and Uniforms
He was waiting. He knew it would come, any second now. Some form of complaint from his young subordinate. Well, he didn't like to be thought of as anyone's subordinate, the annoyingly independent little smart-aleck, but that's what Flame Alchemist Colonel Roy Mustang considered him. Though he did tend to get annoying at times, making the older alchemist sincerely wish that the blonde had been put under someone's—anyone's—jurisdiction but his.
"Hey, Colonel Shit!"
Such as now.
"What?"
"How long have we been walking?"
"Fullmetal…" he racked his brain for a witty insult, coming up with absolutely nothing. "Shut up."
Edward Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist, fell silent, sulkily following the hulking form of his younger brother Alphonse. Al—the only one besides the increasingly annoying Major Alex Louis Armstrong who had any real idea where they were going.
"Don't slouch, Ed. It makes you look shorter than you already are. Why, my Elysia'll be taller than you before she turns eight, at the rate she's growing. You, on the other hand…"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Ed replied in a bored tone. "I'm so short one of these snowflakes could crush me at any moment."
Lieutenant ColonelMaes Hughes ruffled the boy's hair, which was, by then, soaked from the snow. He said nothing mare, simply transmuted his hair dry, then stuffed his hands back into his pockets.
"Wow. Usually he'd have burst a blood vessel by now," Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc said, more astonished than he actually ended up sounding; the cold dampened his enthusiasm a bit.
It was true. Most often—or, more precisely, always—when someone made reference to Ed's height, he ran around ranting about turning them all into whatever object or animal popped into his head. Generally, it was cows, with cheese a close second.
"Yeah, you're right," Kain Fuery acknowledged.
"Wonder what the problem is…" Heymans Breda mused.
"Maybe," suggested Vado Falman, "you should ask him."
They tended to talk about the brothers as if they weren't there half the time. They'd grown rather used to it, though at times it still irked Ed. Mostly, though he'd never admit it, the truth was he liked the feeling that there were people who cared enough to shelter him some. Except for now, when they weren't really discussing anything but how oddly he was acting, and he was standing right there for them to ask.
"Oh, yeah. Maybe," Breda said, as though this had just occurred to him…which it had. "So, why are you being so quiet?"
"I'm cold."
"Well, I should keep it colder in the office from now on. Maybe you wouldn't be quite so loud and obnoxious."
"I wouldn't count on it. I always have room for loud and obnoxious when it comes to you. At least when you say something worth a comeback. I don't believe 'shut up' makes the cut."
"You two are insufferable," First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye muttered helplessly, but with a touch of amusement in her words, shaking her head slightly.
"Yeah, well, look who we have to blame for being so uptight," Roy chuckled, then flinched as she made a move as if to reach for her gun.
"Oh, Roy, you know you welcome the excitement."
"What?"
"Getting shot at is exciting!"
"Lieutenant Hughes, there is something seriously wrong with your head."
"That made absolutely no sense. And that's saying something, coming from me."
"Weirdos."
"Well, at least I'm not short."
"Actually, Sir, if we're going to get technical-"
"Not another word, Havoc."
Havoc snapped off a salute.
"Aye, aye, Captain."
Roy didn't even bother with a reply. He merely sighed and walked on.
A Few Minutes Later
"Are we there yet?"
"What do you think?"
"Well, I'm hoping it's a 'yes'."
"No."
"How would you know? You can't see over the snow."
"Then why-"
"I wasn't asking you, douche, I was asking Al."
"Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?"
"Because I assumed you knew better than to talk to me when I'm cold and generally unhappy. And that's putting it mildly."
Roy sighed and rolled his eyes. If only there were some duct tape… Or maybe Riza would be so kind as to let him borrow her gun…
"So, Al," Ed asked again, "how much longer, do you think? I'm assuming you, at least, will give me an accurate estimate."
Al stretched a bit; if he had been in a real body, he would have been standing on tiptoe, squinting to see into the distance. As it was, he merely adjusted his eyes and guessed how far they had to go before reaching the far-off shape he took to be a building of some sort.
"We've got about two hours or so to walk. That's hoping the Colonel can produce sparks in this…"
Roy snapped his fingers and cleared the path further.
"I'm okay. The humidity isn't very high."
"Yeah, well, it's still cold."
Poser Punk Skank Winry Rockbell, seeming to appear out of nowhere, glomped Ed, who yelled and shook her off before scurrying to Roy's side, appearing traumatized.
"What now, Edward?" his commanding officer asked in a bored tone.
"Rape!"
"Fuery…"
Kain stiffened, then blushed at the accusation.
"I can assure you, it wasn't me, Sir."
"This time," Falman said quietly.
Kain shot him a look. Armstrong came to his defense.
"Now, M.S.G. Fuery's sexual preference is his business and not to be discussed. If he chooses to be a homosexu-"
"I'M NOT GAY!"
"It wasn't Fuery. It was..." he shuddered. "It was Winry!" he stammered, eyes wide.
"Well, you said you were cold!"
"And that justifies rape?!"
"Er…"
"Winry, leave Brother alone."
"Okay!"
She turned to Al, who whimpered slightly.
"Stay…over there…Please…?"
She jumped up onto his back, then found herself stuck.
"Ahh! I'm stuck!"
Maes stifled a laugh.
"That's kinda what happens when you stick bare skin to cold metal…" Breda pointed out.
"Well, I didn't know that!"
"Winry, anyone with half a brain knows that," Ed said.
Al ran about hoping she'd fall off, but it seemed she was quite stuck, a fact he didn't much appreciate.
Ed was torn between laughing at Winry and feeling sorry for his little brother; finally, he decided the latter would be less likely to get him injured. He brought his hands together, then touched them to the icy armor. Instantly the tiny ice crystals melted and Winry promptly fell off Al's shoulder, landing, hard, on her back with her skirt up. Everyone winced and turned away as she composed herself.
"Don't worry; I'm okay."
"Just what I was afraid of," Al muttered.
They continued on their journey, Ed and Al shying away from Winry. Black Hayate, who'd been frolicking playfully around their feet, whimpered from time to time, shivering. Even Maes had fallen silent, most likely wishing he were home by the fire with his much-loved wife and daughter.
"Be careful not to wander into the snow, Fullmetal. We'll never find you again."
Ed's pent-up anger from Winry's weirdness had found an outlet.
"WHO'RE YOU-" he yelled, until his voice cracked painfully. "Ow. It's too cold to even yell. My throat hurts."
"It won't be much longer, Brother. That building should be nice and warm."
"Maybe it's a military HQ!" exclaimed Kain.
"Possibly," Riza said.
"Don't count on it," Breda said pessimistically.
"Now don't you worry! I know just the thing to cheer you all up!" proclaimed Maes, smiling hugely (which was growing increasingly annoying).
The group (minus Winry, who, in addition to being a skank, was an insufferable suck-up, and Armstrong, who couldn't bear to bruise Maes's ego) groaned. Maes made a move for his wallet just as Riza whisked out her pistol, missing his hand by millimeters.
"Don't even think about it, Sir."
Maes was positively flabbergasted.
"Roy! She…did you see that!"
"I didn't see anything," Roy answered innocently. "Right?" he asked his companions, who nodded in agreement.
Maes pouted, a sight that Al found humorous. That is, until Maes went all crazy and threw one of his awesome throwing knives into the crook of his elbow. This, needless to say, didn't sit too well with Ed.
"Why'd you do that! You could've-!"
He was cut off as a knife whizzed past his left arm, slicing cleanly through the two shirts and his signature red jacket, but not even scratching his skin. He gaped at Maes, who, ten seconds earlier, had been obsessing over his daughter.
"Can we go now? Please?" Breda asked.
"Yeah," Havoc agreed. "I'm almost out of cigarettes.
"Those things are bad for you anyway," Al said matter-of-factly.
"Nasty cancer sticks," Falman agreed.
"So?"
The group set off again, Black Hayate trailing behind. Riza turned to find him about twenty feet behind Breda, the last in line.
"Somebody carry him, please," she said wearily.
There was a brief argument about who should carry the husky, two minutes into which both Roy and Riza turned, identical agitated expressions on their faces. Kain gulped, and he and Breda fought to pick up the puppy quickly, before they could end up fried and/or shot.
"Now, now, never fear. I shall carry him!" declared Armstrong heroically.
"No one's offering to carry me!" obsessed Ed.
Somewhere, a cricket chirped.
"Odd... a cricket in winter?" Falman commented.
"Ahh! Bugs!" Winry shrieked, clinging to the nearest person.
"GET OFF!" Ed yelled, pulling her off a traumatized Kain.
"It's alright, Edward! I shall carry you as well!"
Armstrong picked Ed up, hoisting him onto his shoulder. The short alchemist flailed about indignantly as he was blinded by his proximity to Armstrong's pink sparkles.
"Al! Save me!"
"Er…"
"Al, you traitor! You won't even help your own brother!"
"Sorry, Brother…"
"Let me go!"
"Fine. Put him down, Major. At least he was quiet before," Roy said, a hint of agitation in his voice.
Without another word, Armstrong dropped him in the snow. After a few seconds, Ed's head emerged.
"Aww! His ears are pink!" exclaimed Maes, pinching one.
Ed smacked his hand away and clamped his own over his ears.
"Brother, I told you you needed a hat," Al chastised.
Ed waved him away.
"No, Alphonse, I do not need a hat!"
"Have it your way," Havoc said dismissively.
They left him there, half-buried in the snow, and walked on. Finally he stood, dried himself off, transmuted his hood into a stocking cap, and ran to catch up with the rest.
"You do know that makes you look like a girl, don't you?" Breda commented.
Ed transmuted a massive ice ball and threw it at his head. Breda fell face-first into the snow.
"Ow…"
Ed clapped again, an almost manic grin on his pink-cheeked face. Breda backed away, terrified.
"Excuse me?" Ed asked, taking a few steps closer. "I thought I heard…? Oh, well, I guess I was wrong…"
Roy decided it was much more effective when Fullmetal didn't yell. It seemed he'd learned something from the Colonel's quiet intimidation after all.
"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY LOOK LIKE A SIX-YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL WHO TAKES BALLET!"
…Then again, Roy thought, the yelling is much more amusing.
"Brother…"
"I'M COLD, AND I'M HUNGRY, AND MY FEET HURT LIKE HELL, NOT TO MENTION WE'RE LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF FUC--"
"EDWARD! SHUT UP!" Al yelled, hitting Ed upside the head.
"…"
Everyone stopped walking at once and turned to stare at the fourteen—soon to be fifteen—year-old, gaping. Breda, who had been in the process of standing up, fell backward again. Havoc's cigarette fell from his mouth, making a sizzling sound as it hit the snow. Ed fell over in shock. Black Hayate was shivering in Armstrong's arms.
"Sorry…" Ed said quietly.
Al sighed.
"Brother, get up."
"I'm resting."
"Ahh. Really? In that case, we'll just leave you there," Roy said, beginning to walk off.
"Hey! Don't leave me!"
"Come on, Brother."
"My feet are tired."
Al sighed again.
"I suppose I could let you-"
"Thanks, Al!"
Ed hopped about, trying to jump onto his brother's shoulders, then gave up and clambered up like a monkey on crack.
"Hey! I can see! Have I ever told you, Al, how much I love you?"
"Not lately," he replied, and added, to himself, but I love you, too. (Not in a weird elricest sort of way…perverts. In a cute, brother-to-brother way. Aww.)
"Well, I love you." (Note previous parentheses.)
"Fullmetal, you are without a doubt the strangest of my subordinates."
"Someone has to fill the boots," he answered, with his cute really big chibi-person smile. And look who I have to look up too.
"But Breda's right. You do look like a girl."
Ed threw his boot (as in, the one on his foot) at his commanding officer's head. Roy, being cold, and thus somewhat slow, received the blow in the back of the neck, falling flat on his face. The Colonel, unlike Breda, didn't get back up.
"Ed! You killed him!" yelled Riza, kneeling at Roy's side, looking worried.
"He's not dead," Havoc said calmly (he still hadn't noticed his cigarette was missing.)
"Yeah, Brother's boot isn't that big."
"Great job," said Maes sarcastically.
"Now how do we get through?"
"I don't know, Ed. You're the one who killed the Colonel," retorted Falman.
"I DIDN'T KILL HIM!" ranted Ed, nearly falling off his brother's shoulders.
"Watch yourself," Breda cautioned. "A fall like that one could stunt your growth."
"Then he'd shrink," Havoc said, feeling extra stupid without his nicotine.
Al gripped his brother's legs so he wouldn't fall with all his flailing about.
"Actually," said Falman matter-of-factly. "It's physically impossible for one to shrink—"
"Pinako did," Ed said, trying his best to retain his temper. "Crazy old hag."
"Now, brother…"
"In any event, a fall couldn't be a logical cause for one to shrink. Maybe, though, you should consider increasing your daily calcium intake. It can't—"
"I'M NOT—" Ed began, breaking off as he began coughing.
"-short," Al said, finishing for him. "Brother, you're getting a cold."
"I'm fine," he said, sniffling.
"So brave, pressing onward! What an inspiration!"
"Actually," said Riza dryly, we're not going anywhere.
"Alright. Someone carry Colonel Loserface."
"Loserface?" asked Riza, eyebrow raised.
"Just—Someone carry him!"
"For you, Edward, I shall!" declared Armstrong, flexing (and causing his shirt to magically disappear).
"Um…oh, never mind," said Riza, deciding she'd rather not know.
"Whatever," the blond teen said, rolling his eyes. "Let's just go."
"How?" inquired Fuery curiously.
"Shovels!" Maes proclaimed.
"Where are we supposed to get shovels?" Havoc asked.
"I have port-a-shovels!" Al announced, throwing open his stummy cavity so Ed had to cling to his head.
"Don't do that!"
"Sorry, Brother."
Al threw the port-a-shovels to his comrades, who reluctantly caught them. With the exception of Breda, who got conked in the head with his.
"STOP THROWING THINGS!"
"Get down, Brother, so we can help."
"I don't wanna!" he whined, glomping his younger brother's head.
"I don't care."
Al grabbed Ed by the upper legs, pitching him into the perfect, previously unmarred sea of snow to their left.
"AHH! COLD, COLD, COLD! ALPHONSE! I'LL TURN YOU INTO…well, I don't know what…BUT I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!"
"Ert…Oh, great," Al muttered, running in the opposite direction, through the snow.
The rest ignored this and began shoveling, clearing the path. Ed emerged and promptly received a shovelful right on top of his head.
"Oh, thaaanks, Breda."
"No problem."
"I love snow," Riza sighed wistfully.
"Yeah,"Kain agreed. "It's so white and clean."
"Almost like… a sea of milk," Havoc commented, his stupidity having been greatly amplified in the five minutes he'd been without his cigarette.
Ed went green.
A sea…of milk?
"Ew…milk…is…gross."
He fell backward into the snow.
Al returned a few minutes later to find his elder brother curled up in a little ball where he'd fallen, shaking with revulsion at the thought of so much milk.
"Brother?" Al asked, slightly worried, more confused.
"Ew…milk…"
Al looked to the others for an explanation. Falman handed him a shovel.
"Come on, Al. He'll be okay," he said.
"Just help us clear this," Riza asked. "Please."
Two Hours Later
Edward sat, slumped against his brother's side, breathing heavily. He rebraided his hair and massaged a stitch in his side.
"Okay, this isn't working."
Roy groaned and opened his eyes, looking around confusedly.
"What's going on?" he asked dazedly.
"Well, first Ed threw his boot at your head, and then you fell over, and then Riza freaked out because she thought you were dead, and then Ed wondered how we'd get through, and then he got mad because Falman said he should increase his calcium intake, and then Armstrong's shirt magically disappeared, and then Al had shovels, and then we started shoveling and then we all got tired, so we sat down and then you woke up the end,"Kain said all in one breath.
The rest gaped at him stupidly.
"We'll never make it," whined Winry, who had yet to lift a finger to help.
"You haven't done anything!" Ed yelled angrily.
"True," Havoc said, nodding in agreement.
"Still…I do wish there was a way to do this faster," Riza said.
Roy, who by this time had completely woken up, shook his head in amazement at their stupidity.
"You're all idiots."
"Now," said Maes, "don't you think that's a bit harsh, Roy? I mean—"
"Alchemy, Fullmetal."
Ed smacked himself in the forehead. Why hadn't he thought of that?"
"Okay, I'm officially an idiot."
"…"
"Al, you're supposed to say, 'Of course you're not, Brother'."
"…"
"Al!"
"But Mother said not to lie…"
"Al… I'm being very patient here."
"Just tell the idiot he's not an idiot!" Breda yelled.
"That made absolutely no sense," commented Falman.
"You noticed?" Riza asked sarcastically.
"Fine, Al," Ed said sulkily. "I see how you really feel."
He turned around and started back the way they'd come, but Al let out a sigh.
"You're not an idiot, Brother."
"Thank you," Ed said, smugly, turning back around.
"Now that we've affirmed that Alphonse is capable of telling a lie," Roy said impatiently, standing, "Would you mind…?"
Ed glared at him briefly before stepping to the end of the path. He clapped his hands and pressed them to the snow. The path went so far that they couldn't see where it ended.
"Whoa," said Havoc, astonished.
Maes let out a low whistle, and their parade continued on.
"Are-?"
"No, we are not there yet!"
"I wasn't even going to ask that!"
"Don't lie to me; yes you were."
"Was not!"
"Brother, you were so, and we all know it."
"Fine. I was going to ask if we were there yet."
"Thank you."
"So…Are we-?"
"No, for the zillionth time, we are not!"
"Are you suuuuure?"
"Yes! I'm sure!"
"Positive?"
"Yes! Havoc, give me a cigarette."
"But Sir, you don't smoke…"
"Stay out of it, Hawkeye. Havoc…"
"This is my last one…"
"I don't care. This is an emergency; give it here."
Havoc was aghast.
"But…"
"Give me the fucking cigarette!"
"Alright…."
Havoc handed him the cigarette, trying to hide his annoyance. Roy positioned it between his lips.
"Lighter?"
Havoc searched his pockets, finding nothing.
"Umm…"
"Lighter, Havoc."
"I don't have one."
"You don't have one?" Roy asked incredulously, an anger squiggly appearing on his temple.
"Um… no," Havoc said timidly.
He backed away from his commanding officer, slightly wary.
"Why don't you use the gloves?"Kain suggested.
Roy raised his hand, snapped, and…nothing. So he tried again. And again. And again.
"Don't. Say. A word."
"Hey, Brother… it's not much farther now."
"Will there be food?"
"Yeah, probab-"
"FOOD!" Ed exclaimed, suddenly full of energy.
He took off at a run, and Al followed close behind.
"Brother, slow down!"
"FOOOOOD!"
Al sighed.
"Yes, Brother. Food. But seriously, is it worth killi-"
"FOOD!"
Al sighed and decided it was worthless to reason with his older brother. Besides, if he's had a body, he'd probably have been pretty hungry, too. So he followed silently, slightly annoyed that Winry was tailing them as well, her overly exposed legs and midriff bright red. Al wondered absently why she was wearing such skanky clothes. Then it occurred to him.
Oh yeah. She's Winry.
They arrived, at last, at the doors, Ed nearly crying with relief as he placed his hands flat against the center-ish one.
"Food. Just inside," he said longingly. And a bathroom, he added mentally.
He clapped once and pressed his hands against the cold black door, which instantly exploded loudly. And then he heard the screams.
Oh, great, the brothers thought in unison.