Pretty in Pink

by SKRoberts and Stoopbeck

A normal staff meeting takes a nasty turn. Season 1.

Title: Pretty in Pink
Author: SKRoberts and Stoopbeck
Main Character(s): Sheppard and Team, Zelenka, Weir
Date Completed: January 2006
Category: Drama, Humor
Summary: A normal staff meeting takes a nasty turn.
Setting: Season 1, sometime after "The Brotherhood."
Spoilers: Slight ones for some events in "The Brotherhood" and thereafter.

Disclaimer: This story is not meant to infringe on rights of the makers of the series. This is not for profit and purely for enjoyment. All characters of Stargate Atlantis were borrowed and then returned, unharmed and unchanged at the end, with their dignity intact. Any similarity between this story and an already existing fan fiction is purely coincidental.

Pretty in Pink
By: SKRoberts and Stoopbeck

Dr. Radek Zelenka was beyond tired. His mind couldn't pinpoint the last time he'd slept, but his current plan aimed to rectify that. As he ambled to his quarters, stifling yawn after yawn, he swore to himself that nothing was going to stop him from sleeping for an entire twenty-four hours straight. Nothing. Nothing, that is, until he heard voices coming from one of the science labs as he passed by. Few personnel were still awake at whatever ungodly hour it currently was, and despite his exhaustion, the Czech doctor couldn't resist investigating the murmurs. Sighing inwardly, he rubbed his eyes to clear his tired brain and put his ear to the door to listen.

"Is the sedative ready?"

"Aye, it is. But I'd just like to mention again how bad of an idea--"

"Stop, just stop! We've been through this. He needs to be punished for what he did, end of story."

"But--"

"I thought I told you to stop talking."

"Think about what you're planning, man! He told you he wasn't to blame for your, er, plight, and even if he was responsible, what he did was pretty harmless. This, however, is daft. You have no idea how he could react, and having the head of the military contingent with a grudge against you is not the way to go."

Oh, dear, Zelenka thought. It seemed someone was planning something drastic, and Major John Sheppard was the intended victim, an innocent one at that. He knew Sheppard was indeed innocent because he, Zelenka, was in fact the perpetrator. It was all a major misunderstanding in every respect. Mentally berating himself, he leaned in further to continue listening to the nefarious plans.

"--can't talk me out of it. Not now. Everything is in place, and all I need from you is the sedative. He should be exhausted enough after our last mission, but I don't want to take any chances he'll jump into military mode and try to break my neck or something as soon as I get close to him. So, if you don't want to be responsible for my death, hand over the needle..."

Several minutes later, Zelenka quietly stepped away from the door. He'd heard enough. He knew what the scorned man was planning and that he was going through with his plan no matter who tried to stop him. This is not how things were supposed to happen, Zelenka mused. He had to do something. He couldn't let Major Sheppard pay for his own mistake. As he turned around and retraced his steps back down the hallway, he prayed time was on his side.

-------------------

John Sheppard sluggishly opened his eyes. It was morning. He'd been tired when he'd basically flopped himself on his bed the night before, but now he felt exhausted. He didn't understand how that worked. Moving his head around to clear his still sleepy mind, he spied the clock near his bed. After a few moments of gazing at it, it finally dawned on him what it was telling him. He'd overslept and was late for a briefing. Cursing the new day, he hurried out of bed and quickly got dressed.

Ten minutes later, he journeyed briskly down the hallway headed for the briefing room. Still quite tired, he barely acknowledged anyone who passed him by, yet even through his weariness, he felt their constant stares. Were he not late, he might have asked them if something was wrong, but he did not really care either way. Moments later, he reached the doors to the briefing room. Entering, he was about to apologize for his tardiness when he realized everyone in the room was staring at him, each with identical looks of shock frozen on their faces.

"Um," the Major began, "Sorry I'm late. I overslept." Their stares did not relent, making him feel awkward. He scanned the room with his eyes, and after a few more moments passed, he spoke again. "Why is everyone so quiet?"

Dr. Elizabeth Weir was the first to finally speak. "Uh. Major. Good... morning."

"Is something wrong?" Sheppard replied. Turning to Dr. Rodney McKay, he asked in a whispered voice, "Do I have something in my teeth?"

"Not... in your teeth," McKay replied quietly, shaking his head and smiling.

Scanning the room again, Sheppard noticed everyone - McKay, Weir, Teyla, and Lt. Aiden Ford - still had their eyes trained on him. It was very disconcerting. He was about to speak up about it when Ford bolted up from his chair and hurried out of the room. Bumfuzzled, Sheppard asked, "What's wrong with him?"

"Maybeh he saw a wee spider and it startled him? Deathly afraid of them, the lad is, I believe," Dr. Carson Beckett suggested, never taking his eyes off of the Major.

Teyla Emmagan, too, was unable to look away from the man. She just kept staring. And staring.

Carson continued, "Oh, aye, most likely a spider."

Just then, the doors opened to admit Zelenka into their company. "Pardon me for being late. Lieutenant Ford ran into me in the hallway, almost knocked me down and--" Zelenka stopped abruptly, and Sheppard quickly realized the doctor, too, was now staring at him. "Hospodin, jeden ohromný karafiát ježek!" the man exclaimed in his native tongue.

Sheppard was getting more and more worried. Everyone was acting oddly, and he seemed to be the cause behind it. Remembering the mention of spiders, he lifted his hand and ran it through his hair to make sure no arachnids were anywhere near his head. The action of brushing his fingers against his bangs caused Rodney to snort, almost as if he were choking on his own tongue. Dropping his arm, he spoke again, "Are you all on the special crack today?"

"Um, Major. Have you looked in the mirror this morning?" Weir questioned casually.

Sheppard quirked an eyebrow and scrunched up his face a bit at the question. "Uh, no. I was late, so I hurried... Why?"

"Oh, no reason," Carson interjected. "So... on with the meeting now, yes?"

Sheppard made his way over to his seat and was about to sit when the doors opened again. Ford rushed in, armed with a video camera. Several people lingered just behind him, trying to get a clear view into the room. "Am I too late? Did I miss it?" the young man asked so quickly his words were almost incomprehensible.

"No, we're just about to start the meeting. And what's with the camera and all those people! It doesn't take that many people to kill a spider. Geez, I thought I was the only one with a serious bug phobia," Sheppard said, finally flopping down in his chair.

"Well, you know, Major, this is a verrah big spider," Beckett offered.

Zelenka snorted then, as did many of the personnel just outside of the room. The distinct sound of snickering also filtered in.

John shook his head at the commotion. Waving his hands in the air, he pleaded, "Come on, guys, are we going to have a meeting or are we going to flail around about spiders?"

Elizabeth cleared her throat and took back control of the situation. "The Major is right. Doctor Zelenka, if you could please ask all of these people to move on, we need to get down to business."

Zelenka did as asked and then took a seat. Ford quickly took his seat as well, setting the video camera on the table and aiming it straight at his commanding officer. Sheppard once again quirked his eyebrow but didn't comment further on his lieutenant's curious actions. Once everyone was in place and they once again had their privacy, Weir began the meeting. "Teyla, how do the Athosians on the mainland feel about what's been happening recently?"

Still staring at the Major, Teyla began, "But how would they know about--" she was cut off suddenly and flinched, almost as if someone had kicked her. Briefly glaring at Rodney beside her, she began again, "How would they know about... the Wraith coming?"

"They just do," McKay said quickly. "I'm sure they're... pink in the face about it all."

"In fact, I bet they're tickled pink that they have our support," Beckett suggested.

Sheppard narrowed his eyes at his counterparts and the strange conversation. Ford glanced at his camera to make sure it was still recording.

"In fact," Zelenka offered, "they might just be pink with envy when they find out--"

"Green. Green with envy," Rodney whispered to his fellow scientist.

"But it is not green," the Czech responded, eyes turned to Sheppard.

"Huh?" Sheppard asked, again quirking his eyebrow.

"He's Czech, you know," Beckett stated.

Sheppard had no idea what was going on with everyone today. Things were out of hand, and he was tired of being left in the dark about it all. "All right," he spoke loudly and stood up, "Either someone put something in your muffins this morning or there's a joke I'm not in on. Spill it."

Dr. Weir sighed. "Major, look in a mirror. Please."

"I'm sorry, I don't make it a habit of carrying a mirror on me at all times."

Everyone looked at Ford. He looked back, startled. "What?"

"Well, Lieutenant?" Sheppard drummed his fingers on the table impatiently. "You got a mirror with you or don't you?"

"Well, sir, I... just happen to have one on me."

Sheppard nodded. "Of course you do."

"Of course he does." Rodney smirked.

Ford passed the small hand mirror across the table to Sheppard. The apprehension in the room was palpable as he checked himself out.

After almost a full minute of the most horribly awkward silence, McKay couldn't take it anymore. "Well, Major?"

Everyone tensed.

"Er... I look like... me." Sheppard looked around the table, his face the picture of confusion.

Everyone stared at him for a moment then looked at each other. Could the man possibly be that oblivious?

McKay rolled his eyes. "Are you sure there's nothing... different about you? Look really, really hard."

"Not that I can see..." Sheppard trailed off upon seeing the expressions on the faces around him. "What am I supposed to be seeing!" He leaned onto the table, clutching the mirror. A note of panic had crept into his voice.

Teyla tried to take a less subtle approach: "Your hair. Is it not... different?" She smiled and nodded encouragingly, like she was talking to a small child or a dangerous lunatic.

Sheppard looked even more confused and a little perturbed. "Different how?" He anxiously checked it out again in the mirror.

Everyone exchanged glances again.

It was Carson's turn to try. "Look again. Are ya sure ya can't see anything..." he paused, trying to find the right wording, "...unusual?" He looked over at Dr. Weir for assistance.

She jumped in. "About the color?" she hinted.

Sheppard, distressed, looked again at his hair, scrutinizing it carefully, even running his fingers through it. "It looks... brown, like it always does!" He narrowed his eyes at the rest of them. "Now, how about you tell me just exactly what's going on!"

McKay said, "For Pete's sake, Major, you can't possibly not see it!" He shot a look over at Carson. Well, this certainly went downhill fast, he thought.

Sheppard slammed the mirror down on the table. "See... what!" He was really getting angry; his face had gone all sorts of interesting shades of purple and tendons and veins and things were sticking out in an unseemly manner.

McKay decided he couldn't take the pressure anymore and completely snapped. "Pink! Your hair is pink, for the love of God!"

For it was. It was not only entirely roots-to-ends pink, it was violently pink. It was so amazingly, violently, utterly pink that it made eyeballs scream in agony and hide like frightened children. It had taken Rodney and Carson some effort and some semi-legal activities, but they had been rather proud of the fruit of their labors. Well, at least until this newest development.

Sheppard snatched the mirror back up and looked in it again quickly. After about thirty seconds, he put it back down, a Yeah, Sure, You Guys, You Almost Had Me There look on his face. "No, it's not."

McKay, exasperated, put his face in his hands.

Weir leaned towards Sheppard. "You really don't see it?" She narrowed her eyes, deeply confused. People back at the SGC could probably see it. It was retina-burningly pink, after all.

Sheppard growled, "I see brown! Brown, brown, brown!" His body language made it abundantly clear that he was extremely tired of this entire situation. Even his hair, as violently and astoundingly pink as it was, looked incensed.

Carson shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Are ya sure!"

Sheppard rubbed his neck awkwardly. "Of course I'm..." He trailed off, reddening slightly. "Well... not completely."

McKay broke in. "What do you mean, 'not completely'!"

Everyone looked at Sheppard. He wouldn't meet anyone's eyes, suddenly finding the floor absolutely fascinating. "I... assume it's brown... I'm not really sure." His face contorted as if he were in pain. "I've... been color-blind since I was born."

Everyone in the room suddenly felt really awful, especially McKay, who felt like he'd just swallowed a stone, or perhaps a lemon, and Beckett, who wanted to kick himself for not checking out the Major's medical file before taking part in this practical joke.

Ford quickly grabbed his camera, quietly thumbed the off switch and resolved to himself to erase the tape as soon as physically possible. And maybe burn it. And dump it in the ocean, just to be safe.

Carson broke into the silence. "I-I had no idea." He felt lower than low.

Sheppard nodded quietly. "Yeah, well..." He sighed.

McKay made a careful study of the table in an effort to avoid the Major's eyes.

John abruptly straightened. "Look, Elizabeth, do you think this meeting could wait? I'm suddenly not up to talking about creepy green people who suck your life out through their hands..."

Weir nodded. "I think we can hold this off until later today..." It's the very least we can do, she thought. After all they'd put him through... it was amazing the man had stayed in the room for as long as he had.

Sheppard quickly glanced around the room, and then pushed past Ford on his way to the door. He paused for a moment as if to say something but hurried through the door instead.

There was another in what was becoming a long string of awkward silences.

McKay cleared his throat. "Well. That became not fun rather quickly."

While everyone else wallowed in self-recrimination, Teyla leaned over to Weir. "What is this 'color-blind' that Major Sheppard spoke of?"

When Weir didn't answer immediately, Carson spoke up. "He can't see colors, Teyla. It comes in various degrees, but..." He stopped, a look of dawning realization on his face. "Wait."

Everyone looked up at him. He was beginning to look slightly horrified. "Did he say 'creepy green people'?"

They all exchanged glances, something they'd gotten really good at over the last several minutes.

Ford gaped. Weir blinked. McKay bolted from his chair to the door.

Leaning out, he could see Sheppard had made it a fair distance down the stairs in the Gateroom. "Major...?" he called.

Sheppard stopped for a second, turned... and in that second, McKay saw him grinning maniacally from ear to ear. In the next second, the man had taken off across the Gateroom and down a hallway at a dead run.

McKay shook his fist at the retreating figure. "Hey! You--!" If he ever got his hands on-- to think, he'd been playing them the whole-- the nerve of that man!

He stood on the balcony, fist in air, spluttering incoherently until he realized a group of onlookers had formed on the control room balcony across from him.

Seeing them staring blatantly, he whirled around and went back into the briefing room. "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've been had..."

Meanwhile, Sheppard was in his quarters, laughing so hard he thought his sides might burst. They should have seen the looks on their faces! He wondered if he'd be able to buy that tape from Ford.

-------------------

Epilogue

Someone was at the door to his quarters.

"Just a minute," Sheppard called out. Fresh out of the shower, John hurriedly put on some pants but decided against putting on a shirt as his hair was still soaked. He draped his towel over his head and moved to answer the door.

"Hey, Doc," Sheppard said after the doors opened to reveal Zelenka standing outside.

"Major, hello," the Czech said, smiling lightly. "I just came by to see if you were successful with the..."

"I was just about to see for myself. Come on in," Sheppard said, moving into his room to allow the scientist entrance. He then began vigorously rubbing his head with the towel and walked over to a mirror. Finished with his rubbing, he removed the towel to reveal the tufts of his once-again brown hair. He ran his fingers through the wet strands, pleased to have them back to their normal color. He looked over to Zelenka and smiled. "Looking pretty good, if I do say so," he said. "Thanks for helping me out with finding some dye my color, though I'm not sure how you managed to find some on Atlantis."

"We scientists have our ways," he said. "It is nice to see you back to your old self. But I must admit, seeing you with shocking pink hair was... hysterický... hysterical. The look on Rodney's face! I do not think I will ever forget it." Both men smiled.

Content his hair was now dry enough, Sheppard walked over to his bed and grabbed his shirt. Pulling it over his head quickly, he turned to the other man and noticed Zelenka was staring at him. "What? Did I miss a spot?" Sheppard asked, suddenly worried he had not rid himself of all of the violent pinkness.

"Oh, no, no, it is fine!" Zelenka said. "I was just... Is that all you have to do in the mornings to make your hair look like that? Take a shower and then rub towel over your head...?"

"I'll never tell, Doc," Sheppard said, smirking. Zelenka smirked back. "Oh, hey. Thanks again for giving me a heads-up about Rodney's whole plan. I don't know what I'd really have done if I'd suddenly woken up with pink hair." Sheppard cringed inwardly. He quite possibly would have killed the man. Thankfully, Zelenka, almost like a guardian angel for them both, came to him in the middle of the night the other day and warned him. Sheppard was not sure why the scientist had done so, but he was glad. Rodney should be thanking his colleague for saving his life.

"It was my fault Rodney was going to do it in the first place; I could not just sit by and let you take my punishment."

"So, you're the one who dyed his boxers magenta...?"

Zelenka considered for a moment before answering. "That I will never tell, Major..."

Fin.

Author's Note:
Upon seeing Sheppard in the briefing room, Zelenka exclaimed something to the effect of, "Lord, a monstrous pink hedgehog!" At least, that is what he was supposed to have said. Heehee.

This fic was inspired by a plush pig SKRoberts has which is, yes, violently pink. In fact, his name is Violently Pink Piggeh. He really is retina-burningly pink!