Author's Note: Well, this plot bunny tackled me after listening to the song "Unfaithful" by Rihanna for the nth time. :Sigh: Please don't hurl a barrage of "INFIDELITY IS WRONG!" reviews at me. Trust me: I fucking know that, okay?
Oh, and no, this is NOT AU. It might...seem like it's AU—but it's not. Ninjas and chakra and jutsus are all part of this world...they just don't come up in this fic. :Sweatdrop:
Warnings: Infidelity (may I add a big duuuuuuuuuurrrrr to that, please?), swearing, OOC-ness (in my opinion... I just can never get them IC. :Sob:), yaoi, cheating!Naruto and cheated-on!Sasuke. Oh, also: present tense and first POV. OMIGAWSH! WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?!?!?!?!?1?1?1?1?onequestionmark
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I do, however, own a chainsaw. So if anyone feels the need to sue me, remember that little fact.
Beta: Beta'd by my bestest fwend, Ashley. Thanks again, Ash! XD
Song: (Again, just in case. :P) "Unfaithful" by Rihanna. Found here (with Ouran High School Host Club clips! XD Yayness):
http:// youtube . com / watch(question mark)v(equals sign)6MZnl(underscore)9iIC
A Murderer
Story of my life,
Searching for the right,
But it keeps avoiding me.
Sorrow in my soul,
'Cause it seems like wrong
Really loves my company.
He's more than a man,
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue.
The clouds are rolling in,
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true.
I pause on my way past our flat's small kitchen, looking in at my lover's back as he chops vegetables up on the wide, wooden cutting board. I walk up behind him and pluck a piece of celery off the cutting board, narrowly avoiding the knife.
"Watch out, dobe," he snaps, glancing at me through Sharingan eyes as he continues chopping. "Next time you'll lose that finger." But all the same, he leans over and pecks me on the cheek. He pauses his cutting and turns around to lean back against the counter, knife still in hand. "You're going out again?" he asks.
I nod, not looking at him.
"Just going down to Ichiraku's for some ramen," I say, fixing a grin onto my features as I finally look at him. "I'll be back for dinner, don't worry."
A strange, unnamed emotion flickers across his face for the briefest moment, before he's a blank, stoic shell again.
"Hn."
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy.
I can see him dying.
As I slip out of the kitchen, I hear him call: "Just don't spoil your appetite, usuratonkatchi."
I barely resist wincing at the hidden meaning to the words. I know he knows. It's painfully obvious to just about everyone what I'm doing—Iruka's so disappointed in me, Sakura's both angry and sympathetic with me (somehow), Kakashi's smiles aren't as cheerful or proud anymore, and Sasuke...he's just...so dispassionate about everything. Even me. How could I not do this, when he never shows any love towards me? He's already betrayed my trust once—how can I expect him to be faithful to me when he betrayed our entire village.
I sigh as I traipse down the walkway that leads to the street. Neji and Sasuke are both stoic bastards—but at least Neji will show me a little bit of love. At least he'll go out of his way to do things for me, to make me feel loved, to show me how special I am to him.
I know, I know: I sound like such a girl here—but honestly, after having been shunned by villagers for twenty-two years, wouldn't you kill for a little affection?
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why
Every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life,
I don't wanna be...
A murderer.
I never meant to do this. I really do—did—do—I can't even tell anymore—love Sasuke. But when, after nearly six years of dating, he barely showed any more affection for me than when we had both been twelve and stupid and violent and immature, I just couldn't bear it. I need affection. I need attention. I need love.
And that's when Neji offered to talk with me, anytime I felt upset with Sasuke, I could just drop by and vent a little. Well, one vent session got a little too heated, and things just unraveled at that point. I don't go to Neji's just to vent anymore.
I can remember the exact day that I realized Sasuke knew what was going on.
I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair,
Preparing for another date.
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late.
I say I won't be long,
Just hanging with the girls,
A lie I didn't have to tell,
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well.
'Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy.
I can see him dying.
I run a hand through my hair, mussing it up slight in a fashion so that it still looks good—if a bit unruly. I readjust my orange jacket again and turn around to find Sasuke watching me intently, leaning back against the open door with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Hey," I say, grinning at him. "What's up?"
He shrugs in his uncaring way, but his scrutiny of me never lessens—if anything it intensifies until it feels like he's boring a hole right through my head.
"Going somewhere special?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Mm, not really. Just to Ichiraku's for some ramen. Neji promised to treat me to some," I say, still grinning at him, though now it's a bit forced, and I know he can tell.
"Hn." And that's when I know he knows. He hesitates. Sasuke never hesitates. At anything. He didn't hesitate when he left for Orochimaru, he didn't hesitate as he jammed a Chidori through my left shoulder, he didn't hesitate when he killed Itachi, and he didn't hesitate when he asked me out for the first time six very long years ago. "...Are you going to"—he swallows here, with some difficulty, though he may have just been repressing the urge to jam another Chidori through my shoulder—"be out late?" His voice nearly cracks at the end.
I stare at him. Never—never, ever—had Sasuke shown so much emotion in one sentence. It just...wasn't a Sasuke-ish thing to do. Swear, smirk, and spit at me? Yes. Show raw, though, admittedly, not purposely so, emotion while speaking? No, never.
"Um... I don't really know. You've seen how I get when offered free ramen." I grin at him, trying, pointlessly to clear away some of the awkward tension chilling the air.
He clears his throat, clenching his fists at his side and gritting his teeth. He's being painfully obvious, and it's almost sad to watch.
"You could have just asked me, you know. I wouldn't... I wouldn't have minded treating you to some ramen..." Liar. You hate it when I eat ramen. 'Too fattening,' you'd say. 'It'll be the death of you.' No, Sasuke, you'll be the death of me. You and your stupid rules, regulations, and restrictions!
A new burst of anger surges through me and I turn away from him swiftly.
"No. It's okay. Like, I said, free ramen. Wouldn't want you to have to pay for it. You buy all of our food." I fiddle with the cologne on our bureau—I know that I can't face him and smile with how angry I am right now.
He's silent for so long that I almost think he's left. Then I hear a strange, strangled sound and I turn abruptly, only to find him walking out of the room swiftly, fists clenched in a white-knuckled grip by his sides.
I quietly finish getting ready and exit the bedroom, heading for the door quickly, hoping to avoid confrontation. Maybe if lucks on my side, I'll be able to just call out and leave.
As a hand grabs my wrist, I realize that God hates me just that much, and I turn to face my blank-faced lover. His free hand slips up my right bicep, my shoulder, my neck, until its fingers wind into my sunshine hair and he pulls me forward. When our lips are inches from each other, he pauses, staring me directly in the eyes. He's searching for something, I can tell.
I carefully wipe any emotion from my eyes, hoping to appease him with that, but he looks away immediately after. Wrong answer, I thought. I guess he was hoping to see endless vats of fucking love just waiting for him to get off his emotionless ass and dip into them.
He moves his lips to my cheek and presses them there, hard. It's like he's trying to empty a well of emotion into my skin—but how can he do that when he's the very definition of dispassionate?
I stand stock-still as he presses his cool lips—another thing different from Neji, his lips are always warm—against my scarred cheek. When he pulls away, instead of walking away like I expected, he rests his head against my clothed shoulder gently. He presses his face into my neck and I feel him mouthing something against the skin there. I can't make it out, but it almost feels like 'Try' or 'Die.' 'Mine,' maybe? (1)
Che! His! As if. He relinquished any possible right he would have to call me that a long, long time ago.
He finally releases his grip on my hair and wrist, stepping back and smirking at me in an almost sad fashion.
"Have fun with Neji," he says, defeat barely lacing his voice.
"...Thanks." I step away from him and walk to the door.
It closes behind me with a surprisingly final click.
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why
Every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life,
I don't wanna be...
A murderer.
The memory makes my shoulders slump slightly. Sasuke had been surprisingly resigned about this whole affair. I would have expected him to kill—or at least seriously maim—either Neji, or me, or both of us, when he found out. But instead he ignores it. We both continue with this sad, pathetic mockery of a relationship.
We haven't done anything remotely romantic—or physical, either; not even sparring—since the day he found out. He's stopped expecting me home for dinner—though he never stops asking if I'll be home, he only makes enough food for one—he's stopped pretending that I'm just tired when I shrug off his touches, he's stopped making any effort—not that he ever really made any effort before, either—to bring any emotion into anything.
Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head.
Get it over with.
I don't wanna do this
Anymore...
Uhhhh...
Anymore (anymore)...
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside.
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life,
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)...
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hope that, even though I've done this, committed the ultimate sin, destroyed any semblance of trust he might still have had in me, he won't hate me. That was never my intention. I never wanted to hurt Sasuke. I might have been angry with him, sure. I might have been feeling hurt and unloved, sure. I might have found a love and a passion in Neji that Sasuke just couldn't show me, sure. But I never wanted to hurt Sasuke. He was, and he always will be, my best friend—in my eyes, at least.
I brought my hands out of my pockets as I reached the Hyuuga complex. As usual, there was Neji, leaning against the wide doors, waiting for me with a small smile and a warm aura. I sighed contentedly as I let his arms enfold me.
But now was not the time to think of Sasuke. Because what I was doing was hurting him. It was killing him. And that was the one thing I had promised myself I would never be outside of missions as a Ninja: A murderer.
Author's After-Note: ...I just managed to depress myself at five in the morning with naught but Lipton's, sugar-filled, Green Tea with Citrus drink, a warm blanket, and "Unfaithful" blaring in my ears. O.o This is so not an every day occurrence, peoples. Yet, strangely, I enjoyed it. Lol.
Please let me know your thoughts on this! First depressing songfic, and I really wanna know whether I captured the characters well—oh, and whether the plot line was at all plausible. :Sweatdrop: As I said before: Five in the morning, sugar-filled drink, warm blanket, blaring music. I do strange, unexplainable things...
I'm probably going to do a little follow-up chapter from Sasuke's perspective, but I'd like it to be a songfic. Y'know, to keep with the flow or whatever. So, if anyone wants to recommend a song that they think would fit for Sasuke's attitude (in this story), PLEASE let me know. Otherwise I'll have to go hunting through my huge file of songs for a good one, and who knows how long that will take:Sob, sob:
(1) This will be much clearer in the follow-up with Sasuke's POV. Just bear with me and my vagueness for now. XD
Reviews are like honey—but flames are like vinegar!
Sid. :3