CHAPTER 1
DUDLEY: I WANT BACON!!!!
PETUNIA: My Duddy Diddikins is hungry! SLAVE!!! GET HIM FOOD!!!
HARRY: Say the MAGIC! MAGIC MAGIC word!
Family explodes –
VERNON: – throws a tantrum – DON'T SAY THAT WORD IN THIS HOUSE!!!
BOOK: - describes Harry's wizardness –
READER: A wizard? Oh lord of cheesiness help me. This is going to be a shitty book.
READER WHO HAS READ FIRST BOOK: Get on with it!
HARRY'S STUFF: - is locked up –
The book then continues to describe Harry's family in a most unflattering way and him in a good way
READER: Wha..?
It inspires reader hatred
READER: Oh
READER HATRED: - is inspired –
SCAR: BEHOLD! BOW DOWN TO ME! I GET HARRY OUT OF TROUBLE!
VERNON: Did someone say something?
SCAR: no
VERNON: Oh ok. Now today is a very special day…
HARRY: EHMIGOD HE'S REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY!!!
VERNON: I am unaware that it is Harry's birthday but am very aware that it's the day I can make money from two dudes who are important and are coming here.
HARRY: …
DUDLEY: I'm a ponce. HEAR ME ROAR!!!
PETUNIA: They'll LOVE him!!!
VERNON: Yes. And YOU, boy?
HARRY: I'll piss off to my bedroom and throw darts at pictures of myself
VERNON: Exactly, now for some compliments
PETUNIA: Wow, what a dress, I am like, totally in love with you
VERNON: uh…ok…Dudley?
DUDLEY: Mr Mason - MY HERO!
PETUNIA: - bursts into tears –
HARRY: - snorts up some water which comes out his nose –
VERNON: And you boy?
HARRY: I'll piss off to my bedroom and throw darts at pictures of myself
VERNON: Yes. Now piss off and throw darts at pictures of yourself
HARRY: Will do – Pisses off to his room to throw darts at pictures of himself -
HARRY: sigh it's my birthday and I'm going to be in my room throwing darts at pictures of myself. Alas, woe is I, how am I going to go back to where I truly belong..?
LETTERS FROM RON AND HERMIONE: - don't come –
DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF: - does –
HARRY: Dude, a weird creature thing. Hey, you interrupted my soppy time!
DOBBY: Dobby likes to refer to himself in 3rd person
HARRY: Oh. Well GET OUT OF MY ROOM! CAN'T A GUY THROW DARTS AT HIMSELF IN PEACE???
DOBBY: - Bursts into tears –
HARRY: Don't cry or I'll beat the shit out of you.
DOBBY: Dammit. That usually works.
HARRY: get on with it! What do you want?
DOBBY: VOLDEMORT'S GONNA KILL YOU!!!
HARRY: Well that sucks.
DOBBY: No shit. And now I gotta punish myself, you asshole
HARRY: I just wish I knew why Ron and Hermione weren't writing to me
DOBBY: Dobby was stopping your letters. That's why you met Dobby. Harry Potter finds out everything.
HARRY: Cool. Wait…you stopped my letters and made me feel like a social reject?
DOBBY: Pretty much
HARRY: Fuck you
DOBBY: - Runs off crying to drop a pudding on the guests head -
PUDDING: - is dropped on guests head –
HARRY: I hate you
VERNON: Our demented nephew…very disturbed…
HARRY: Ok, ok, I'm going back to my room…
OWL: - arrives –
MRS MASON: - screams –
MR MASON: She's terrified of birds
HARRY: And the way of wizarding post is by birds huh? What a bummer.
LETTER: - Is read –
READER: - feels Harry's injustice –
VERNON: You didn't tell us you weren't allowed to use magic outside school – you little whatsit!
HARRY: I…uh…forgot?
VERNON: Oh ok then. That's fine. Want some chocolate?
HARRY: Really? Thanks!
VERNON: PSYCH!!!! I'm locking you up! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
HARRY: Just don't go overboard and put bars on the window.
VERNON: Of course I am! What if a flying car were to come and get you?
HARRY: Damn! You thought of everything!
VERNON: Sure did, honeybunch. Now go to your BARRED UP ROOM OF DOOOOOM
DREAM:
HARRY: Wow, would you look at that, I'm in a cage
PEOPLE: UNDERAGE WIZARD! UNDERAGE WIZARD!
DOBBY: Harry Potter is safe there!
HARRY: I'm trapped in a cage with nothing to eat…yep, safe as houses
DOBBY: Ok, so I just wanted to mock you…HAHA! UNDERAGE WIZARD! UNDERAGE WIZARD!
- DREAM ENDS HERE -
HARRY: WTF???
Ron's face appears at window –
HARRY: AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
RON: Great to see you too
HARRY: Sorry, but your hideous visage isn't my dream idea of what to wake up to… Wait…I'm mad at you…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU…UH…um…neglector….thingy…
RON: Too valiant to swear at me?
HARRY: yeah…I want the readers mothers to like me, idiot.
RON: oh. Well I've come to bust you out
HARRY: huh. I was wondering how I was gonna get to Hogwarts
RON: Me too. Then it hit me. I should fly my dad's car here illegally in the risk of letting muggles know about the whole wizarding world, and not even consider asking mum if I can use floo powder.
HARRY: What a great idea. And that's why you're floating. hmmmm
RON: Like, der. Why haven't you replied to my letters?
HARRY: You're a reject.
RON: Oh ok. Fair enough
FRED AND GEORGE: Hi Harry! (we're here, you know)
HARRY: You dudes wouldn't happen to know how to pick locks would you?
FRED: Sure we do! I always know these tricks in case I have to fly a car to a friends place illegally and get their stuff for them.
HARRY: Cool. Now go get my stuff. And the stair creaks, so don't stand on it.
FRED AND GEORGE: 'kay dude.
HEDWIG: SQUAWK!!! (hehe, that'll wake them up)
VERNON: THAT BLOODY OWL!!! I'M GONNA COME UP TO YOUR ROOM AND UNLOCK THE DOOR AND CHECK IF YOU'RE ESCAPING!
HARRY: Fuck
RON: OH NO! HE'S GONNA STOP YOU!
READER: Dude, he's Harry Potter, of course he's going to get away
DUMB READER: OH NO! He's gonna stop him from going to Hogwarts and Harry will spend the year at the Dursleys!
READER: What the hell? Do you really think that this 251 page book is all going to be at the Dursleys?
DUMB READER: You can't be sure with these magic types…
HARRY: We're still here…Ok, I'm getting Hedwig
RON: Shouldn't you have done that when we first heard him coming?
HARRY: Probably. But then it wouldn't be a close call thing
Gets Hedwig and escapes –
RON: Phew, that was a close call
HARRY: See??? I told you it wouldn't be a close call thing unless I stalled
RON: Whatever…
CAR: - crash lands –