The first time it happened, Dean didn't know whether to call for Sam or keep going. The only thing keeping him from doing the first was saving face so instead, he closed his eyes and let his head fall back, the image of a writhing, wasted angel seared into the back of his eyelids. He tried to ignore the thunder in favour of Cas' moans.
Once he's stopped panting, he can see straight again and Cas is sleepily tugging the sheets up from around their ankles sans wings, Dean lifts himself up onto his elbows and turns to check on Cas, whom he isn't surprised to see is already looking at him, waiting to hear what he so clearly has to say while fiddling with the comforter trapped under Dean's heel.
"You okay?" he asked, voice gravelly after previous strain. It was the best he could do. Dean tried to be as gentle as possible with Cas post sex, he really did. He was sensitive enough as it was about the subject, holy scripture and all, and he figured a rough "what the hell" would have him zapped away in the blink of an eye. Dean wasn't much for pillow talk but for Cas he did his best.
"I think I got excited" was his hesitant response. The no kidding was written all over Dean's, making the angel blush.
He pursed his lips, glad Dean was already touching his arm. He felt like something was missing when he couldn't feel Dean's warmth, but he still had trouble initiating anything. His feeble atempts at physical contact paled in comparison to Dean's casual touch.
"I just mean, Cas, I haven't seen you like that in - "
"A long time, I know" Cas gave him a small self-conscious smile.
"You sure you're okay?" Dean didn't want to know specifically what happened, only that he was alright. Maybe that's what Dean's version of love is. Cas could feel it whenever he looked at dean from the backseat, smiling to himself, making his eyes crinkle in the way that made Castiel want to kiss him and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel along with Led Zeppelin, completely oblivious. Cas knew what love was, he just had a hard time defining it.
Maybe Dean's worry was surfacing because the last time Cas accidentally lost control and set off a freak lightning storm he'd almost hit the barn they were in and then zapped away. And while they were in short supply of barns, Dean saw the possibility of Cas bailing immediately after sex as a very real one.
Cas could really hurt someone with that lightning.
"Yes, I lost control is all" Cas can tell Dean isn't entirely satisfied with his answer. He's surprised when Dean still won't meet his eyes, expecting him to have dropped it by now, but he still looks unsure if the furrow in his brow is anything to go by.
"Cas, have I ever hurt you?" His own frown deepens but he doesn't pull away.
Cas is very worried now. "No, Dean" a small, smug voice in the back of his head gives his two cents with a angel of the lord, here but he ignores it because the concern in Dean's voice right now is very real and he is also very warm.
Cas is still very naked.
Dean faces forward again, eyes still wary, and sinks back into the covers. For a moment he stays like that, thinking loud thoughts, focus turned inwards. For the umpteenth time since they've started sleeping together, Cas is sorely tempted to press two fingers to Dean's temple, read his mind and put this to rest once and for all, but he quickly remembers the first and only time he did that, how angry Dean was. Cas continues putting the sheets in order while he waits him out.
After a few minutes of Dean frowning aggressively at the ceiling, a change comes over him. Cas notices and opens one eye to look at Dean as he passes a hand over his face and lets out a haggard breath it sounded like he'd been holding in the whole time. He looks like he's gotten into an argument with himself and lost.
Turning to face him, Cas is immediately struck by how weary Dean looks. He doesn't show it often but thirty years on the road will do that to a man.
"Dean, I - "
"Cas" Dean starts out weakly, voice breaking. He clears his throat and tries again. "Cas, don't - don't leave me"
He can't meet cas' eyes when he tacks on the additional "ever"
In the little moonlight that peeks through the curtain, Cas can see the lean slope of his body right up to the apex of his strong shoulders where his shoulder blade is straining sharp against his skin. Dean had been losing weight the last few months and Cas is sure, if it poked through, the bone would elongate and Dean would spread wings like his own. Sometimes Cas thinks Dean is the closest a human has ever come to being an angel.
Cas slides a hand up to find Dean's cheek, wiping away the cool wetness he finds there, and presses his forehead to Dean's safe in the dark.
"I won't, Dean" he doesn't know how to make him see and understand. "never"
Cas has learned, over the years, that being a human is complicated. He can feel Dean beside him, he can see Dean, can rest his head in the crook of Dean's neck and listen for his breathing to even out, and even still, in those moments, there will be a whole other side that Castiel is still trying to figure out. That being together like he and Dean are together doesn't always mean sharing. That you have to earn the right to feel the things Cas felt.
Cas expects Dean to make a brush the quiet aside with a joke or even to roll over and fall asleep, exhausted by his latest show of emotion. Instead, Dean puts his hand on Castiel's, still drawing soft patterns into the skin from his jaw to his temple, and pulls the covers up around them.
Those are more things he is learning.
So Castiel lets Dean have his well earned silence as they settle back into the bed, tucked together. Cas is carding his fingers in Dean's hair when he finally drifts off, both of them satisfied for the moment that they won't be alone tonight.
A/N: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, WHY DOES ANGST SNEAK IT"S WAY INTO EVERYTHING I WRITE. JESUS.
It was supposed to be about Castiel's weird angelic lightning dealy and the wings that show up when he's showing off for Dean, except I had this theory that the first time it happened he was still getting used to the Jimmy's body and he kind of freaked out and so now whenever he loses control, it just kind of sets him off.
these fucking ships are going to kill me. please review.