Want & Need

by BardGirl

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. They belong to whoever owns the rights to them at the moment.

Summary: Xena ponders the progression of her relationship with Gabrielle. A first time story taking place just after The Quest.

Subtext: Yes. There is most definately subtext in this story.

Chapter 1

I never started out wanting her. But it appeared that I needed her. She saved my life, after all. Me, a warrior. She a young village girl. Yet, she stood for me in front of my townspeople and saved my life. And so I let her stay.

It was a decision I was never quite sure of. There were so many times I thought about going back on it but then something would happen and she would prove to me, once again, how much I needed her. She was young and idealistic and she became my moral compass.

More than that, she made me feel like a person again. She treated me with a compassion I knew I did not deserve and a kindness I didn't quite know what to do with.

It seemed like a fair trade though, because she needed me too. She needed someone to take her away from the life she had been born into. Someone to protect and defend her while she travelled around collecting stories and experiences.

I didn't realize that I wanted her until it was too late. Until I had lost her. Even now I can still feel that moment of panic when she told me she was leaving, going to Athens to become a bard. I knew that it was the right thing for her. This life, our life, was not for her but still I wanted her to stay.

Without my really being aware of it she had become a true friend, not just a traveling companion and the salve for my soul but someone I enjoyed spending time with and genuinely liked. I said nothing though and let mer make her own decision.

I guess there was a part of her that wanted me too though, because she came back. She always came back. That time when she left for Athens wasn't the only time she left me. There were others and every time I pushed my feelings aside and tried to be a good friend. Even if it meant losing her. I never wanted her to feel obligated stay with me.

And somehow my feelings for her developed into something different. A whole new kind of wanting. I can remember the exact moment it happened.

A rainy summer evening. It had been raining hard all day and as evening encroached everything was still dripping wet. I didn't think I was ever going to find place dry enough to camp. A small patch of land under an outcropping of rocks in an old riverbed. There was just enough room for a fire and our bedrolls, with one minor adjustment. Instead of sleeping on opposite sides of the fire we would have to sleep side by side. Or else one of us would be out in the muck. So we laid our bedrolls out side by side. She against the inner wall, me beside the fire. We went about our normal evening routine the same as always and then lay down for sleep.

I woke in the middle of the night to find Gabrielle practically wrapped around me. Her head was resting on my shoulder, her warm breath tickling my neck. One arm was draped across my stomach, her hand resting against my side.

That wasn't what was surpising. She'd done it before. There had been other occasions when the two of us had to sleep close together, inns with only one bed or cold nights when our combined body heat would keep us warm. And every time I would wake up at some point in the night to find her cuddled against me. So, finding her curled up next to me was not what surprised me. It was her knee that did. One of her legs was draped across mine, her knee lodged securely between my thighs. And every time she shifted in sleep, which was often, it drove itself up against me and my body responded in a way that was natural and familiar and very, very unexpected.

I had never thought of her like that before. I had always thought she was beautiful. But I had never been attracted to her, physically before. Until that moment.

And after that moment I couldn't stop thinking about her. I'd notice things that I'd never given much thought to before. The silky smoothness of her hair, the softness of her skin, the fullness of her lips. I noticed the developments her body had gone through since we'd started traveling together. The plump, roundness of her breasts, the smooth flatness of her stomach and the curves of her hips, accentuated so nicely by her latest traveling skirt.

I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and caress that velvety soft skin. I wanted to kiss those lips, and those breasts and down that tanned, toned stomach and continue on to what I knew lay beneath her skirt.

I never said a word to her about it. I couldn't. For all her development and maturing in the two years we'd been traveling together she was still a young, innocent village girl. One who fell for every good looking boy we came across.

I wasn't going to burden her with my desires. I wanted her body. But I wanted her friendship more.

She didn't exactly make it easy for me though. By nature, she was someone who used touch, she was always grabbing my hand or my arm or my shoulder when she wanted my attention or to make a point in conversation. Not to mention the hugs, the back rubs and the way she used me as a pillow, back rest or arm rest. Two years of travelling together had lowered the boundries of personal space that generally existed between two people and Gabrielle had no hesitation in using my lap for a pillow, my thigh for an arm rest or my shoulder as a back rest if it was convenient for her.

It had taken me awhile to get used to but I'd stopped minding long ago. I couldn't exactly stop her without raising questions and having to explain so I subjected myself to her exquisit torture.

And to be fair, there was more to it than just the sexual. I'd started to enjoy the warmth and companionship of it myself. A simple hug at the end of a long day could work wonders on a tired soul. I felt contented when she was curled up next to me, head resting against my thighs as she worked on her scrolls and I fixed a piece of Argo's tack or my armour.

But those feelings were always there, somewhere, lurking. Waiting for her to move a certain way and bring them forth.

It was a price I was willing to pay to continue traveling with her though. And my instincts about keeping my feelings to myself were confirmed when she decided to marry Perdicus.

Standing beside her in that chapel, watching her take her vows and prepare to leave with her husband were the worst moments of my life.

Knowing that she was going to do with Perdicus what I had been longing to do with her for months now was torture. He would get to touch her, kiss her, hold her in a way that I never would be able to.

It was then that I realized that I loved her.

It took every inch of will power for me not to ask her to stay with me. But I didn't. I pushed my feelings down and gave her my blessing, knowing that this was the kind of life she was meant for.

That time when she came back to me, I felt guilty for my happiness. A good man had died so she could return to my side once again.

Before I really had a chance to examine this, I died. Hanging on that cross in Tartaurs reliving every mistake I'd made,or bad deed I'd done, listening to the thoughts of every person who I'd hurt there was one person who's thoughts stood out from the rest. And I knew I had to go back. She needed me. She loved me.

So, I came back. It's been almost a week now and we haven't talked about any of it. Not my death nor her feelings for me. Or the kiss.

The kiss. My lips still tingle from where they brushed hers, ever so lightly, before I faded out. It was supposed to let Gabrielle know how I felt about her but I don't know if she understood. I lost control and Autolycus took over.

So now I sit beside her by the campfire, watching from the corner of my eye as the dancing flames cast shadow and light across her features. She has a scroll open in front of her, quill poised between her fingers but she has not written a word since dinner. She has been staring off into space with that faraway look she gets whenever she is deep in thought.

I've been wating for the perfect opportunity to broach the subject but none has arisen yet. Maybe there is no perfect opportunity.

"Gabrielle." The word is out before I have even consiously come to a decision.

"Hmmm?" She turns her head to look at me.

"I love you too."

For a moment she simply stares at me, then her eyes, hazel in the firelight mist over and the warmest, brightest smile I have ever seen lights her face. The next moment she is in my arms, or maybe I am in hers. I can feel the heat of her breath against the side of my neck and the warm wetness of tears on my skin. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her tightly too me as she clutches convulsively at my leathers.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she whispers into my neck. "I always thought that we'd have more time. That-"

"Gabrielle," I interrupt her gently. "It's okay." Gripping her shoulders I ease her away from me so we are face to face.

"It's not okay," she protests. "I could have lost you forever and you had no idea-"

"But you didn't lose me. I'm right here," I point out, reaching up and wiping the tears from her eyes. Our eyes meet and hold for a moment then, slowly I slide my hand around to cup the back of her head and gently pull her forward.

Our lips meet, brushing together faintly, more of a tease than a touch and then they meet again. And again. The kisses deepening with each contact. And then my tongue is in her mouth, and she welcomes it with a faint moan.

The need to breath eventually forces us apart. Gabrielle gazes up at me, dazed and grinning.

I am sporting an identical grin. And I'm guessing that my expression is equally as dazed.

Then her lips are on mine again, and I am lost in the warmth of her breath and the softenss of her lips against mine until once again the need to breath makes itself known and we part once again.

With a soft sigh Gabrielle settles herself against me. I tighten the grip of my arm around her waist and tip my head to capture her lips once more.

Continued in Chapter 2