The ER: A Twisted Love Story
Okay, so I really should be revising, but, quite naturally, I am very bored, so thought I might write a fluff fic, cos they don't take long... (Oh yeah, just bear in mind...I am BORED... i.e. this could be extraordinarily weird...)
Disclaimer... okay, be imaginative, think of your own...
Warning: This fic contains pure fluff and soap opera style writing...do not take it seriously...please... I'll try to be funny, but if it's not...oops.
This is dedicated to all you out there who are really bored of working/revision, especially my friend Emma...
Well, here goes...
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The ER (Egregious Romance)
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Scene: The ER. In fact, the admissions desk. Carol and Doug are talking (oh yeah, Doug's not left...yet)
CAROL: (crying) But Doug you know I love you, don't leave me...yet. I want
to have your love babies
DOUG: (unemotional) Oh, sorry Carol, I love Kerry.
Kerry walks over to the admit desk. Doug kisses her passionately
KERRY: Oh my! Come on Doug, let's take this party to the lounge.
Doug and Kerry walk off (well, run...)
CAROL: (crying - cos quite frankly she ain't gonna do a lot of anything else in this fic) Noooooooooooooo...wait a minute...Kerry, I love you too....
Carol runs off in direction of lounge too.
Mark enters the ER.
MARK: Hey everyone
No answer
MARK: (louder) Hey everyone
No answer
MARK: (shouting) My god, what have I got to do round here to get everyone's attention? Ever since Susan left my life has been a mess, and have any of you noticed? NO! She doesn't even get mentioned anymore! And it's all Malik's fault!
JERRY: Oh, hey there Dr Greene didn't notice you there for a second. Yeah, unfortunately Kerry's...sick, so you're going to have to be in charge of the ER today.
MARK: I love you Jerry!
Mark kisses Jerry
CARTER: (annoyed) Dr Greene, leave Jerry alone. Don't you know we've been going out for ages? We're going to have a baby together
MARK: (pleased) Oh really? Wow, so Carter, you're...?
CARTER: (happy) Yup, three months to go. We were going to name it in honour of you...Bald Guy With Glasses.
MARK: (crying) That's so beautiful
Anna enters
ANNA: What's so beautiful?
CARTER: Anna? What are you doing here? You left months ago, for that chipmunk guy, to pursue your movie career. Speaking of that...what movie career?
ANNA: I did? Damn it. Oh well, see ya around sometime.
She exits again
Doug runs out of lounge screaming
DOUG: (screaming) Kerry's a man, Kerry's a man!!!
LUCY: (reminiscent) Oh yeah.
Everyone looks at Lucy
LUCY: So you've never tried it on with Kerry before?
Everyone looks uncomfortable, and gets back to work
DOUG: But...oh my god, Carol's still in there!
LUCY: Man, I'm jealous!
SCENE: TRAUMA ROOM. TRAUMA CASE IS YOUNG BOY, RUN OVER. LUCY, CARTER PRESENT
Cleo enters
CLEO: Okay, everyone, I'm going to take this one, and I'm going to try to be emotional when something bad happens, but I won't succeed.
CARTER: Umm, Cleo, you're about a series early.
CLEO: Oh, okay
She exits
CARTER: Man, what is it with these script writers today?
Elizabeth enters
ELIZABETH: Okay, everyone. What's wrong?
LUCY: We're not sure. We think he may have been run over
ELIZABETH: What makes you think that?
LUCY: Yeah, cos the paramedic people said he was run over.
ELIZABETH: So, what are we going to do for him?
LUCY: Umm...I don't know...let me consult my computer...
5 HOURS LATER
LUCY: Umm yeah, we should give him some painkillers.
CARTER: Lucy...the patients gone.
LUCY: (hysterical) Oh my god! I've killed him?
CARTER: (looking at her weirdly, speaking slowly) No, he was discharged.
LUCY: Oh thank god.
SCENE: LOUNGE. ALL STAFF ARE THERE COS DOUG IS LEAVING. IT'S THE SCENE OF A PARTY
DOUG: I can't believe that you're all doing this for me! Mark, I love you
MARK: Actually, it was Jeannies idea.
DOUG: Jeannie, I love you
JEANIE: I love you too Doug. Can I come with you?
DOUG: You're not a man are you?
JEANIE: No, but I can be one if you want.
DOUG: No, that's okay. I know why don't we adopt a kid together?
JEANIE: Wow, that sounds like such a great idea.
MARK: (crying) That was so touching.
Jeanie and Doug leave together
CAROL: Wait! I'm pregnant. Oh god, they've walked out the door, now I'll never be able to tell Doug I'm having his love babies.
ELIZABETH: It's okay Carol, I'll help you look after them, with Mark, and we'll support you through this hard time
CARTER: (from other side of the room - shouting) But Jerry! I thought you loved me!
BENTON: Get over it Carter, he's all mine.
KERRY: Carter, it's okay, but I'm sorry, you're going to have to move out of my house.
CARTER: (crying) I'm going to go live with Susan, at least she appreciated me.
MARK: (he doesn't say anything, cos he just beats Carter up)
CARTER: (says nothing...he unconscious, duh!)
SCENE: CLINIC. CAROL IS THERE.
A patient enters. We'll call her...Bob. She's very pregnant. Oh yeah, by this time Carol is very pregnant too...
CAROL: Oh, hey, what do ya know, you're pregnant and so am I! But I can never mention the name of the father, and strangely enough, no one ever asks me who it is. Everyone thinks I'm fine, but emotionally, inside, I'm really cut up about it, but I can't speak to anyone, cos that's against the rules. I might actually tell the father about his children one day though. Same with you?
BOB: Wow, it's amazing, it is. I need a job
CAROL: Okay, I'll help you get one, but only because you're my new best friend cos I can only hang out with pregnant people now.
BOB: Wow. That is so cool.
Carol is being very nosy and notices that Bob has some needles in her bag.
CAROL: Oh my god, you're not doing drugs are you? Cos that could really hurt the baby. You should be just like me. Hey, if we hang out, maybe I could
help you get over the addiction
BOB: Wow, thank you! Now I won't be such a failure in life after all. Carol, you're my best friend.
SCENE: BOB AND CAROL ARE WALKING THROUGH THE STREETS OF CHICAGO.
Another pregnant woman walks down the other side of the highstreet.
CAROL: Oh my god! She's pregnant too! Let's go talk to her, and be really good friends with her too!!
SCENE: ER ADMIT DESK. STAFF RANDOMLY MILLING AROUND.
Doug lookalike walks in
DOUG 2 (OOPS, SORRY, THAT'D BE LUKA): Carol, I love you, I've always loved you! Let me adopt your children!
CAROL: Umm, hello, do I actually know you?
LUKA: No, I'm new here, but I'm great with children
CAROL: (happily) Okay! I love you too! And it's not just because you look like my sort of ex-boyfriend.
LUKA: Great, and maybe one day I'll tell you all about my troubled life in that foreign country I used to live in.
CAROL: Sounds like fun.
Dr Gabriel Lawrence walks in.
GABE: (confused) Where am I? Am I even supposed to be here? In fact, just who the hell am I?
Gabe exits
KERRY: Oh, Luka, you must be our new sort of doctor! We've put you in the credits, even though we're saying that we're not going to let you work here, cos we're stupid like that.
MARK: Oh, another new doctor! Great! Welcome to the team. (shakes Luka's hand) Now where is that Dr Dave guy? Cos I really want to have words with him.
DR DAVE: Hey, Dr Mark! How are you?
MARK: Hey Dr Dave. You arrogant bastard. (he proceeds to beat Dr Dave up)
KERRY: Hey, Mark, you know you're not supposed to do stuff like that.
MARK: Oh, sorry Kerry, here, you have a go
KERRY: (starts hitting Dr Dave, but ends up staring straight into his eyes, getting closer to him) You know, Dave, ever since Doug left, things haven't been the same around here. (Kisses him passionately - hey, come on, I did say it was a twisted love tale)
DR DAVE: Umm, Kerry, I'm actually in love with Carter, sorry.
KERRY: Oh, man, I lost another one to him.
JERRY: (who isn't actually supposed to be here, but since I have no idea as to why he shouldn't be here, so he can stay) Umm, Mark, I think you won that bet.
MARK: YES!!
CLEO: Am I supposed to be here now?
BENTON: My god Cleo, I know you're bad with children, and you look really scared of them, in fact the only reason Luka isn't a pediatrician is cos the similarities people would make with Doug, but I think you're gorgeous!
CLEO: Why, thank you. (she kisses him...and kisses him...and kisses him...)
CARTER: Hey, you can't do that, especially if I'm not involved.
CLEO: Sorry Carter (kisses Carter)
CARTER: Actually, I was more bothered about Dr Benton, but thanks anyway.
SCENE: OR. BENTON IS DOING SOME SURGERY ON A PATIENT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY
ELIZABETH: Dr Benton, step out of the room now. We have reason to believe that you're harboring a fugitive
BENTON: (confused) What?
ELIZABETH: Oh come on, it sounds so much better than get out of the room cos Romano doesn't want you to operate.
BENTON: Oh, okay. Here, let me give you a quick kiss goodbye
ELIZABETH: Umm, sorry, that was over a couple of series ago. In fact, why did I ever go out with you?
BENTON: Umm, I think it was to get back at Carla. Man I miss Carla. In fact, I think I might go and see her and my son
ELIZABETH: I thought he wasn't yours
BENTON: Hey, that hasn't been proven ...yet
ELIZABETH: Well, good luck
Benton exits. And I've lost the plot...
SCENE: EXAM ROOM.
LUCY: So, Mr (reads the chart) E. And what is your problem today?
MR E: You.
LUCY: Oh, okay.
MR E: In fact, I might kill you
LUCY: Oh. Should I call for psyche?
MR E: Ha ha ha.
SCENE: LATER. CARTER ENTERS THE ROOM
CARTER: Hey, Luce, how you getting on
LUCY: (doesn't reply cos she's half dead)
CARTER: OW. (He's just been stabbed...duh!)
SCENE: LATER STILL. KERRY ENTERS THE ROOM
KERRY: Oh my god! They've killed Lucy! The bastards!
SCENE: LATER STILL. LOUNGE
MARK: Okay, we have reason to believe that someone killed Lucy. Now, it could have been the guy who she was working on
LUKA: I never saw him!! It wasn't my fault
CHUNI: It's okay Luka, we believe you (kisses him passionately)
HALEH: You know what I think, don't you? Malik did it!
Everyone looks at Malik
MALIK: I didn't do that! It must have been Doug, everything's his fault.
General murmur of agreement
SCENE: MEANWHILE, OVER IN SEATTLE
DOUG: Man I miss Romano. We were soul mates, best buddies. We did everything together. I wish I were with Romano having love babies together, shopping together, looking after his dog and his mother (he cries)
phone rings
DOUG: Hello?
CAROL: (on other end of phone) Doug? I know you're still mad after the Kerry thing, but could you at least call Mark once in a while, he's really lonely, he says you won't return his calls, you hang up on him. He loves you.
DOUG: What about Susan?
CAROL: Who?
The end.
No character's were harmed in the making of this episode.
Umm yeah, okay I'm a bit twisted and cynical, I know that, you don't have to tell me.