A/N: Wooooooo baby! This one is long. This is set in the USofA. It's supposed to be fluffy but I might not be good at fluff T.T So forgive me if you don't like it, snowblinded. Yes, this is all for snowblinded because Snow is like my biggest fan ever, or at least the most devoted xD Also, there's a link to a floor plan at the end, kiddies. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it worked better as two. Oh, well. Still hope Snow likes!
BTW, this is not beta'd. Cut me some slack if there is some shit wrong with it. I've been over it a billion times, but it's so long and it gets hard to catch everything. I'll keep checking it every few days because I do want it to be up to par. It's easy to get used to something though and start missing mistakes more easily.
Warnings:
—Profanity, because I can't avoid it.
—Self-harm and a lot of blood because of it.
—This is still yaoi, even if there isn't any smut smut in the butt butt.
—Mild boyxboy action. There are no lemons though, so don't worry about that.
—Sadness and despair but Neji and Gaara are Snow's OTP, so happiness is sure to follow… maybe. I might get villainous in the end :) Muahahaha.
A Lack of Color
Neji should have already dressed, eaten, and made his bed. Instead, he lie curled up in his bed with his long, dark hair draped over his pillow while he fidgeted with the edge of his comforter because today was a Saturday, and he spent Saturdays ignoring the outside world. At first, he spent them crying. That was a habit that he had only really stopped a couple of months ago. Now, he was used to spending them feeling vacant, often doing no more than he now did. This day was different though because this day Neji was smiling, and that was all thanks to the redhead singing his heart out in the next room.
It was already three in the afternoon but Neji had been awake for quite a while. He just hadn't gotten up, as was his normal routine. Saturdays and Sundays were his 'S Days', which stood for 'Shit-My-Life-Fucking-Sucks-And-I'm-Going-To-Cry-About-It Days'. They were his it's-okay-to-wallow days. He wasn't sure exactly what form his wallowing had taken on lately though. He just wasn't sure that he could even cry anymore. Not because the sting of losing his lover wasn't as sharp as it had been six months ago, but because he honestly thought that his tear ducts had just dried up. Maybe there came a point where you literally couldn't cry anymore, because it definitely wasn't from a lack of sorrow. In fact, he might swear that the sadness had actually increased with time.
For the first month, Neji never left his room. He literally spent every day huddled in his bed and crying. Thankfully, his boss was an understanding woman. Being one of the top employees at a multi-million dollar company wasn't exactly a forgiving job. Even family deaths were hard to get away for. Luckily, his cousin was his boss. It was actually his uncle's company before he gave it over to his daughter, Hinata. She had always been a bit shy as a child, but she really hit her stride in college. She was still as sweet and kind as ever, but she knew how to get business done and done well. It didn't take her long to impress her father and earn her place as CEO.
She had initially tried to promote Neji to an executive position but he declined. He had never been one for those flashy titles. It was already enough for him to share his last name with the company. He didn't want to become VP or anything too. It just wasn't his thing. Not to mention, he couldn't exactly accept such added responsibility when he was offered it. He had lived a decent distance from the city at that time. What he liked about the title he had already had was that he could work in his local branch and not have to worry about commuting to headquarters for whatever reasons. An executive position just didn't fit his lifestyle. Now, however, his life had completely changed. Perhaps such an offer was exactly what he needed at this point. He'd have to bring it up to Hinata again.
Had Hinata not been the big boss though, Neji would have already been fired. Hell, had the big boss been even his uncle, he still would have been fired. Hinata and Neji had always been close though. She insisted that he take as much time away from work as he needed. She often checked up on Neji's friends to make sure that they were always checking on him too. It was an unnecessary effort though because Neji's friends were golden. TenTen, for one, practically never left. Most of the group met at university, but TenTen was one of Neji's two oldest childhood friends. She had always had a crush on him and only gave it up when she finally realized just how gay he was and that there was no chance of changing him back, not that she didn't try. She and Neji were just very close friends now, so close, in fact, that she found it awfully difficult to leave his side in his current state. Her job was threatened though, so she was forced to part from Neji after only the first couple weeks.
After the first month passed, things began to get a little bit better for Neji. He had his other friends to help him out too. There was Lee, even if he was too energetic most of the time. There were also Shikamaru and Chouji. Shika was lazy. He didn't actually come by too much but he stayed for a really long time when he did. Chouji always brought food but then just ate it all. There were Sakura and Ino too. They were both very comforting. They were really good at going on as if life was normal. They made Neji feel like, even if for just their stay, his life wasn't completely falling apart.
Then, of course, there was Gaara, Neji's other oldest friend and his closest one too. Neji wasn't very good at smiling anymore, at least not in public, but Gaara had at least gotten him to stop trying to kill himself. Yes, he had tried, or at least he had threatened to try. Neji was thankful for Gaara, even if he did still wish for death a lot of the time. There was also Kiba, who was also really good at keeping Neji's suicidal thoughts at bay. Kiba had the compassion that Gaara could sometimes be lacking, not that Gaara really lacked compassion when it came to Neji. In fact, Neji was the one person that Gaara showed compassion toward. Gaara was a good guy and a wonderful friend. He was just never the sweet, caring, tender type like Kiba, who naturally tended to his friends. Neji was the sole exception to Gaara's stiff attitude though. In the end, Gaara and Kiba made a good tag team when it came to keeping Neji's suicidal tendencies at bay. It was actually pretty ironic that it was Kiba who had repeatedly saved Neji's life because they had almost never even met. Kiba was really just a friend of a friend at one point, and the friend that he was just a friend of was really just a friend of another friend…
Well, it all had to do with Naruto and Sakura. Neji had become friends with Sakura and Ino in high school, and then Naruto came along during their first year at university and practically fell in love with Sakura. So, at first, Naruto was really just a friend of Sakura's, and Kiba was just a friend of Naruto's. Time passed though as the rest of the group found each other and then, before they even knew it, they had all melded into one big group of friends. It was luck, or maybe just really close bonds, that kept them all close to each other, even after graduating college and getting "real" jobs.
Naruto, Neji, and Sasuke had all lived three hours away in the beginning. That was something that their friends never failed to complain about, but they all got together often enough anyway. Well, at least the ones who could get together got together. However, now that Neji had moved back to the city and into Gaara's apartment, Sakura and Ino took the title as the furthest away. That, of course, was discounting Naruto and Sasuke, both of whom were far, far overseas. Sakura and Ino shared an apartment about a half an hour away though. Everyone else lived in various corners of the city, except that Shikamaru lived ten minutes out into the country where he could gaze at the stars more easily. It was truly lucky for Neji that all of his friends were close and so willing to comfort. Moving back into the city was likely the best decision that he could have made.
Everyone took their turns keeping Neji company and trying to make him feel like he wasn't as alone as he felt. Gaara alone was charged with the task of getting Neji to eat and to maintain, at least, some basic grooming skills. It was because they lived together, though, that Gaara was charged with a lot of tasks that were more on the personal side. That also may have been due to another fact though, a fact that may have had less to do with the closeness of their space and more to do with the closeness of their hearts. Neji and Gaara stuck together like glue and you didn't need to be a rocket scientist to see that there were certain things that Gaara just naturally took over, things that no one else would dare refute.
After a couple more months had passed by, Neji began functioning pretty normally again. Somewhere around month five, he knew that he was as normal as he could ever be. He started to work again, even though Hinata insisted that he didn't have to come back so soon. Since he had moved back into the city, he began working at headquarters too. He always kept his weekends free though. He could barely make it through a work day without having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom. He knew that there was just no way he could lead a normal life again. Instead, he reserved his weekends for crying, if he could even muster up the tears anymore. More often than not, he simply sat as he now did and fiddled idly with his comforter, not able to muster up the energy to do much more than that and not caring to anyway.
There were occasions, however, when Gaara would do the goofiest things while in the safety of his own room beside Neji's. Those were the times when Neji would smile because he just couldn't help himself. Gaara was a pretty stiff guy, so Neji had to smile when he would hear Gaara singing along to his CDs like he did now. Occasionally, Gaara would even take the show over to Neji's room. Neji's favorite part about those occasional afternoons were the triumphant smiles that would light up Gaara's face when he would get Neji to actually laugh a whole-hearted laugh. Gaara was the only person that Neji would laugh for. His smiles were reserved solely for Gaara.
Neji loved it, too, when Gaara's pride would swell as his attempts at cheering Neji up succeeded, which they always did. It was uplifting for Neji just to see Gaara smile alone. If all Neji had to do to squeeze that smile from his redheaded friend was to crack a grin that he couldn't even hold back in Gaara's presence anyway, then Neji would smile all day for Gaara. Hell, he might just smile for the rest of his life if it meant that Gaara would be smiling too. That feeling of contentedness, of course, always dissipated in Gaara's absence. Neji found that thoughts and memories of Gaara were never enough to hold him over in his solitude. He needed Gaara in the flesh. He needed Gaara's laughter in order to create his own. That was why all of Neji's smiles were in private. The could only ever be brought on by the silly things that Gaara would do when he was alone with Neji. Gaara couldn't always be alone with Neji though, so smiling still felt like a chore, if not impossible.
Their friends came over on the weekends for a while to keep Neji company. They would usually spend their time playing games and laughing in the living room while Neji looked purely miserable—unless Gaara was right there beaming in his face, which wasn't often because Gaara rarely did much more than merely smirk in public—so it was really no surprise when their friends kind of just stopped coming over entirely. Gaara was the only one who truly didn't mind spending his weekends in. Although, he mostly spent them trying not to suffocate Neji. He knew that Neji wanted the company, even if he never actually asked for it, but he was also under the impression that Neji just liked knowing that he was there rather than actually seeing him. That was why Gaara stayed in but tried to give Neji space, and that was why he only occasionally took his singing show on the road to Neji's room.
Maybe Gaara was a bit ignorant of just how off kilter his assessment was though. Neji, certainly, would not have minded if Gaara decided to suffocate him with his company; but Gaara, certainly, was a bit too oblivious to see what was right in front of his face. That, perhaps, had a good amount to do with the fact that Gaara was not a mind reader and Neji apparently wasn't sure how to simply ask for Gaara to sing to him more often. In any case, no one else but Gaara wanted to spend any more of their weekends trying to cheer up someone who did not seem like he wanted to cheer, and Neji didn't expect them to. He knew he was a mess. He wouldn't want to be around himself all the time either… but he guessed that this was what everyone was like when their husband went 'missing in action'.
Honestly, if Sasuke had just listened to Neji, this never would have happened in the first place. Sasuke was Sasuke though. He was invincible in his own mind. Naruto didn't help any either. When they had met Naruto in college, he and Sasuke had formed some odd kind of relationship. They were definitely best friends, like Neji and Gaara were, even if they hid it behind snide remarks and empty insults. Sasuke didn't even think twice about joining the military when Naruto suggested that they do it together. Naruto promised Neji that he'd take care of Sasuke, and it looked like a really honest promise, but it was really just god's mercy that kept them together through the whole process. They had even been lucky enough to be deployed together in the same squad. That didn't make Neji feel any better though. His husband was still missing overseas and there was absolutely nothing that Naruto could do about it.
The first few months of military life weren't easy. Being apart was hell, and it was hard being married to someone who seemed to love his squad members more than his own husband. It caused a definite rift between them and Neji often found himself wondering why he ever even married Sasuke. He couldn't help but think that maybe they were just comfortable. Maybe it was just easy to settle with Sasuke. When serious stress was placed on their bond though, Neji started to realize that maybe they were never really happy together to begin with. Maybe marriage just seemed like the logical next step. Pretty soon, however, divorce started to seem like the next logical step to Neji, and he'd bet that Sasuke would agree too. The stress of being a military spouse just seemed like but a prick in the finger compared to the agony that Neji now felt though. It wasn't until Sasuke's second year in that things changed for the worst. As if them drifting apart wasn't enough, Sasuke just up and disappeared. As for Neji, well, he disappeared too. He faded away into thin air, it seemed. That was, of course, until Gaara found that compassion reserved for only Neji and began to pull him back down to earth again.
It was somewhere during high school when Neji had met Sasuke. It was just history from then on. Things weren't exactly getting better, but Neji was optimistic. He had always thought that he'd try to work it out with Sasuke before they just skipped to an easy out. He wanted to try and make the marriage work because he hadn't chosen Sasuke to begin with for nothing. Putting a ring on Sasuke's finger wasn't frivolous. It should have been worth fighting for. If things didn't change though, Neji would admit defeat. Then, they could part ways amicably... but then Sasuke was just gone. So what was the point of life when you felt so lifeless anyway? Sure, Neji may have seemed like he was getting better over time, but he wasn't really better at all. He supposed that he had just stopped looking so pitiful all the time. Plus, Gaara's face helped make him feel a bit less pitiful too.
In the first couple of months, this despair was reasonable. Even if things had been rough, he had still loved Sasuke. Things were rough though, and Neji was thinking about leaving Sasuke. He should have felt better already. He should have moved on. For god's sake, he had been seriously questioning the quality of their love. That should mean something. That should have stifled the pain. It should have dulled the misery. Time should have healed the wound of losing more of a friend than a lover. So what was even left for Neji to grieve anymore? Why could he no longer cry but still ache so heavily? Why wouldn't this unreasonable wallowing cease? Still, Neji continued to grieve though. Six months, and he felt just as lost as the day that telling car rolled up to his curb. He didn't need to see their uniforms to recognize the car. It was the grim reaper of the military world, and it brought devastating news without fail.
Neji had already found it difficult to breathe when he saw the car approaching from down the street. Even if it didn't stop at his house, it meant that someone in the neighborhood was getting bad news. That alone was enough to make anyone in the close-knit community feel dismal. That was back when he and Sasuke shared a house near base. Their neighbors were all military families, and Neji really enjoyed the community there. It was nice to sit out on his porch and watch life bustle by. It kept him from missing Sasuke too much, especially when his neighbors would join him. However, when the man stepped out of the car onto Neji's curb and met his eyes, breathing had become positively impossible.
The officer seemed to move in slow motion as he brought the horrible news to Neji's porch. Every child had stopped playing. They all knew the car too. They were probably wondering if it was their mommy or daddy. All the parents had stopped chatting. A few of them had already begun meandering over to comfort their fellow Army spouse. They all watched his fingers tremble furiously as he reached for the envelope being held out to him.
The officer nodded glumly at Neji. "I'm sorry for your loss," he said softly, patting Neji apologetically on the shoulder. Neji simply nodded in return. "If there's anything that we can do…" the officer began, but he never finished that sentence. He just patted Neji's shoulder again and then left.
Neji didn't open the letter. He let it drop to the floor, where it could rest for all of eternity for all that he cared. He was overly aware of all the stares on him. He felt so self-conscious. As he stood from his chair, one of his neighbors, Mary-Beth, approached him.
"Oh, God," she whispered miserably. "I'm so sorry, Neji."
She reached out to comfort him, but he dismissed her with a weak wave of the hand. He tried to turn, to leave, to shield his vulnerable heart from all the piercing eyes, but his knees gave way. Blackness was descending upon him. He felt himself fall into arms too strong for Mary-Beth's, and he guessed that it must have been his other neighbor, Sai, who had caught him. He expected that a decent crowd would have been gathered on his stoop by then. He thanked god for Sai. He was the only other gay man living in the community, not that anyone was prejudiced or anything. It was nice to feel like someone truly understood him completely though. Sai had been having problems similar to Neji's with his own husband, Haku, who was also in Sasuke and Naruto's squad, so Neji felt especially close to the man.
Sai was there to catch him. Sai brought him to his bed. Sai didn't let anyone, not even Mary-Beth, inside to bother Neji. And when Neji woke, it was Sai that greeted him. Neji couldn't form words. He could only stare at Sai with uncertain eyes, silently pleading for some direction on what to do or feel. Sai held up the opened letter that he had apparently taken the liberty of reading. Neji didn't want to know; and, yet, he did. He wanted to know so badly. It was in his eyes, and Sai could read them well.
Sai smiled weakly, but there was no joy in his eyes. "Missing in action," he said quietly.
Neji nodded. He tried to talk, to insist that he was fine. In the end though, he sobbed, and he sobbed heavily. It was a fate worse than death. He wished that Sasuke could have just been killed. Missing was just a synonym for captured, tortured, and abused. It was code for prisoner. It meant 'we lost him to the enemy and only god can save him now'. Sasuke would have been better off dead. The worst part of 'missing in action' was the hope. It was the knowledge that he may not be dead. He may be fighting for his life. He may come back. Maybe not tomorrow or next year or even in twenty years, but you can never give up the hope that it'll happen someday. It's that hope that eats you up though. That hope is desolate. It's dangerous because it's no guarantee. It's just a sad, pitiful plea for God's mercy.
That was the day that Neji was hollowed out, and it was just as strong of a feeling today as it was back then. Moving into Gaara's apartment and away from the base hadn't helped as much as he had hoped that it would. Cutting off ties with all his friends, even Sai, didn't help either. Nothing helped, nothing at all. What Neji needed was relief. There were only two ways to get that. He either needed Sasuke back or he needed death. Neither was his to have though, so Neji simply went on in misery.
On this S Day, Neji was startled to hear a knock at his bedroom door. He was so lost in thought that he did not recognize when Gaara stopped his singing or when he left to answer the front door. For once, Neji found that he did not really want Gaara's company. He wanted solitude, but he supposed that he could concede if it was Gaara. After all, his position on how much company he did or did not want would almost certainly change the very second that he laid eyes on Gaara. Neji was used to Gaara simply walking in if Neji didn't give an immediate response, so it may have taken him a moment too long to answer.
"Come in," Neji finally called.
Gaara opened the door to reveal a familiar face that sent cold shock waves through Neji's body. He shot upright on his bed like a loaded spring. He didn't know how to react or what to say. Should he have been ecstatic? He had missed this person miserably. Should he have been afraid? He settled on sympathetic, because he could recognize the look in those eyes easily. His next movement came naturally to him. It was obvious what he needed to do.
"Come on," Neji said softly, offering a sad smile and stretching out his arms in an offer for a hug. "It seems like it's my turn to hold you now."
And just like that, Sai crumbled onto Neji's bed and into his arms. Gaara lingered for a moment to be nosy. After an appreciative nod from Neji though, Gaara left them in solitude. Neji and Sai must have stayed like that for hours, with Neji stroking his friend's hair comfortingly and Sai sobbing until his throat was raw.
"W-Will it e-ever g-get b-better?" Sai was finally able to choke out.
Neji stifled a whimper of his own. "Maybe," he said softly. "If it does, I haven't gotten there yet." That only started a new round of sobs for Sai, though his tears had stopped falling a while aback. "But we'll find it together," Neji assured, "the part where things get better." Sai nodded against his chest. After a few minutes of not talking, Neji suggested, "Stay with me."
Sai shook his head no against Neji's chest. "I-I'm supposed t-to go home," he informed. "I j-just want-ted to t-talk to you f-first though."
"Of course," Neji said, "but we'll talk tomorrow. For now, just rest."
Eventually, time made Sai weary enough to fall asleep. Neji lay awake for a while longer though. He listened as Gaara idly tapped something against the wall that separated their rooms, the wall that both of their beds were against. Gaara was secretly a really musical guy. He was always subconsciously tapping out beats. The noise brought a sense of peace onto Neji. Gaara's tapping was just proof that the other was only a wall away. All Neji needed to do was thump on the wall the right way and Gaara would be there in moments. Feeling safe and secure enclosed in the rhythm of whatever beat was playing in Gaara's head, Neji called on painful memories. He recalled how he had felt the day that he'd gotten his letter about Sasuke. Sai had been there to catch him. Now, he felt so guilty.
Sai had always understood Neji's need to detach from that world, and he had never held it against Neji. Neji had left Sai hanging though. He hadn't even left Sai with a phone number or anything. He wasn't there for Sai when Sai needed him most. Neji cringed as he thought about how Sai would have had to open his letter all alone. He would have had to find out all by himself. Had it been death or missing in action? What had Sai faced all on his own? How long had it been until he was able to find Neji? How long had he suffered alone while Neji sat in the comfortable company of his best friend? He had become Sai's best friend, but he hadn't been like a best friend should be. Neji squeezed Sai closer to his side in a silent apology.
His thoughts wandered to Naruto. That was two now. Something had happened to Sasuke, and now something had happened to Haku. How long until something happened to Naruto too? They were all in the same squad, after all. Was he going to lose that friend also? Neji's thoughts came to a halt when Gaara's tapping ceased. He listened intently for a few seconds, waiting for the noise to start up again. When nothing happened, he lifted his hand and lightly drummed his fingertips on the wall. It was a gesture that Gaara understood. Almost immediately, he started tapping a new beat on the wall. Neji sighed and smiled to himself. He was content to simply listen from then on. His mind did not wander any further than the man across the wall. After quite some time, Neji found himself drifting off to sleep. He tapped two light goodnight knocks with his knuckle. Gaara stopped tapping to knock back just as lightly. Neji was only able to slip fully into sleep when Gaara resumed his tapping once again though.
Neji sat cross-legged in his bed, staring down at the mass of sheets and blankets that was Sai. Sai, apparently, was a greedy sleeper. He did enjoy his bedding. It didn't bother Neji, even though he was mostly used to sleeping beside Sasuke, who was even prim and proper in his sleep. Still, Sai was easy enough to sleep with. Neji hadn't woken from the lack of bedding or anything. He had just woken and now he sat watching his friend. Even in his sleep, Sai looked tired.
Neji remembered very clearly when his wounds were still fresh and he couldn't even sleep in his sleep. He had just learned to run on empty. He had only just barely begun to pass that time in his grieving, and it was all thanks to Gaara really. Gaara had become Neji's nighttime lullaby, and Neji wasn't sure that Gaara even knew that. If Neji stayed quiet enough, he could hear what Gaara was doing in his room. It was the way that Gaara would tap idly on the wall with a pencil or something. It was the way that he would sing quietly to himself, ironically trying not to bother Neji. It was just his heart beat, his breathing, his warmth, or his fingers carding through Neji's hair when he would sometimes sit with Neji until he fell asleep as per Neji's request. Sometimes, it was just knowing that Gaara was in the other room by a rustle or a thump that he made. Those little things were all that Neji needed to be alright again. It was just Gaara's existence that had begun to heal him.
So how could he possibly help Sai cope? How could he be there for someone so vulnerable when he was still so vulnerable himself? How could he do anything at all for Sai? He could never replace Haku, that was for sure, and he could never be like Gaara. He didn't know how to be like Gaara. Gaara had helped just by being Gaara. It was the years of friendship that they had shared that made Gaara so potent for Neji. So what was Neji supposed to do? He still relied on Gaara for so much. How could he allow Sai to lean on him for the very same things?
He traced slow patterns across Sai's forearm, the way that Gaara would sometimes do for him. It was the only skin of Sai's that was actually exposed beyond his shelter of blankets. Neji understood that tendency though. At first, the blankets had been comforting to him too. They were warm and enclosing. They held him somewhat like a lover would and that was nice. They felt safe and that was what Sai needed right now. Hm, Safety. Maybe Neji could give Sai, at least, that. He could assure Sai that, though he couldn't do much, he could be there to do something. That way, Sai wouldn't have to be alone. He wouldn't have to feel abandoned again because Neji wouldn't abandon him, even if he didn't know what the fuck he was doing. Neji would just try to be Gaara for Sai for as long as Sai stayed with them.
After a few minutes, a soft, solitary thump came from Gaara's side of the wall. Neji was thankful that Gaara was mindful of their guest. He usually slammed on it hard to purposely wake Neji if he was sleeping. Neji wasn't sleeping though, so he thumped back quickly to avoid earning a louder one from Gaara. That thump was Gaara's way of politely telling Neji to get up and eat breakfast because Neji had developed a bit of an issue with eating when this had all started for him. He wasn't purposely starving. He had just lost his appetite. He had lost an awful lot of weight because of it, as if he wasn't already thin enough, so Gaara got involved. Eating and basic grooming habits were the only things that Gaara ever nagged Neji about. If Neji didn't get up, Gaara would literally drag him out of his room. It was always easier to just reply to the thump, no matter how much he wanted to stay in bed.
Sai began to wake though, so Neji did not get up right away. Sai shifted beneath the blankets and, for just a moment, the exhaustion was wiped clean from his face. True peace claimed him when he became aware of the stroking on his arm. The look of serenity threatened to bring a smile to Neji's lips, but it stayed just out of reach. No, Sai didn't have quite that effect on Neji. Neji did feel good, though, that he could do, at the very least, this for Sai. He remembered how Gaara's comfort always made him feel, and so he was glad to offer that to Sai too. The moment was short-lived though, for Sai seemed to recognize Neji for who he was when he finally opened his eyes and peered through his lids. As quickly as peace had descended, it lifted away.
He wasn't necessarily disappointed to see Neji. He was just disappointed that it wasn't Haku. He couldn't fight off the tears, and the supporting look in Neji's eyes told him that he didn't have to. Neji sank down and cradled Sai against his chest, allowing the other necessary time to weep. After all, it was Sunday, an S Day. This day was made for weeping.
"Shh," Neji cooed. "It's okay. I'm still here you for you, to comfort you," Neji rubbed Sai's back soothingly, "to protect you," Neji pulled Sai closer to his body, "to love you," Neji kissed the top of Sai's head softly. "I'm here for you however you need me," Neji whispered. Yeah, that seemed a lot like something Gaara would have done in the very beginning when Neji sobbed relentlessly too.
Gaara thumped against the wall harder than before, but Neji's reply was vocal. "Not now, Gaara!" he called. Gaara's thump turned into an impatient pound. "Not now!" Neji repeated firmly. "I'll eat later!" He was glad that Gaara did not persist or come bursting into his room. After waiting a few moments, just to be sure that Gaara had been warded off, Neji continued with, "I'm sorry that you had to come so far to find me. It was too far. I should have been more accessible. I cringe at the thought of you having suffered alone all that time."
"I-It w-was just t-two d-days," Sai replied.
Neji tilted his head curiously. "That's all? How did you find me so quickly?"
"N-Not hard t-to f-find," Sai said. "Y-You didn't ev-ven go th-that f-far."
Neji nodded slightly. "That's true. Still, you shouldn't have had to read that letter alone," he argued.
At that, Sai stopped his blubbering, though it took some effort. He propped himself up to gaze into Neji's eyes. After a moment, he slipped out of the bed.
"Where you going?" Neji asked as Sai left the room.
"Bags," Sai replied from halfway down the hall.
"Where?" Neji called after him, sitting up in his bed.
"In my trunk!" Sai called back. Moments later, the front door opened and closed.
Then, Gaara poked his head into view to glare at the brunette. "You'll eat later? I've heard that before," he said critically as he moved to lean in the doorway.
Neji rolled his eyes. "He was crying," he said.
"What's he crying so much for anyway?" Gaara asked. Neji sighed sadly and patted the bed beside him. Gaara moved in and took a seat beside his friend.
Neji looked down and fidgeted a bit. "Gaara, do you think that…" He paused and took a deep breath. "You think that Sasuke would have wanted me to move on?" he asked hesitantly, still looking down at his fidgeting fingers. "I'm not sure that he and I... We were just so... I'm not sure he even loved me anymore, or if he ever loved me to begin with," Neji finally said timidly.
"He loved you," Gaara assured confidently. "Things may have been changing, but he loved you." Even if it was a tough subject for Gaara, he knew that his words were true. Sasuke definitely loved Neji. Then again, who wouldn't?
"Things were so strained during that last stretch," Neji said quietly. "I have a feeling that he would have wanted to separate when he came back anyway, and it'd be a lie to say that I hadn't been thinking about it too. I was... I was prepared for a divorce," Neji admitted, "but you already know that. So why do I feel so guilty when I think about moving on with someone else?" he asked. He glanced at Gaara for long enough to watch Gaara's brow cock up in what he didn't recognize as hope before he casted his eyes downward again.
"You're thinking about someone else?" Gaara asked.
Neji shrugged and smiled weakly but honestly. "Yeah," he looked up and out to the hallway, "all the time." Gaara may have let a layer of admiration for Neji glaze over his eyes, and he may have been glad that Neji was too busy starting out into the hall to notice. "Sasuke and I might have just settled for each other, but I think I'm ready to try for something more honest with someone I think I can really fall in love with, if I haven't already fallen and if... if that person would even have me."
"Anyone would have you," Gaara said automatically.
Neji's smile grew even more honest. "You think so?" he asked, still staring out into the hall. Gaara looked out there too. What was so interesting about the hall? Then, it dawned on him. It was that guy that just kept crying, whatever his name was. It was that guy that Neji hadn't even introduced Gaara to because they were too damn busy being shacked up in this room together. That guy was the one that Neji was talking about. Neji wanted... him.
Gaara tensed up considerably but kept his voice even. "I know so," he assured. Even if he wanted to sabotage the budding relationship, he wouldn't. Neji was still his best friend. If some stupid, miserable guy was what Neji wanted, then Gaara had to suck it up and support him. Gaara would do that because he loved Neji, in so many more ways than he'd ever had, or maybe ever would have, the courage to admit.
Neji turned and touched Gaara's knee gently. The touch caused Gaara to relax, whether he wanted to or not. As Gaara gazed at Neji, he was forced to smile. He was such a beautiful man, like an angel. "You are probably the most beautiful thing on the planet," Gaara said quietly. "How could anyone not love you?"
Thoughtlessly, Neji leaned a bit closer to his friend and smiled in return. How could he do anything but shine like the sun in Gaara's company? His hand may have moved and inch or two up Gaara's leg of its own accord, an action that he was neither aware of nor would he be opposed to. "Gaara, I—" he began softly.
Just then, the front door slammed shut. Neji's attention was instantly stolen. He stopped talking and looked back out into the hall. His hand removed itself quickly and his body leaned back away from Gaara. Gaara could not be bothered when Sai's presence filled the room though. He continued to admire Neji for a few moments longer before he was finally able to rip his eyes from that beauty. He refrained from glaring at Sai. This guy probably wasn't even aware that he was stealing something from Gaara that Gaara had never even truly had in the first place. The guy wasn't forcing Neji to like him. Neji had done that all on his own. So Gaara just left quietly. After a few more moments of silence, Sai closed the door and moved to stand in front of Neji, dropping an unopened letter in his lap. Sai continued to stare at the letter in Neji's hands when the latter picked it up and realized what it was.
Neji patted the bed beside him where Gaara had just been sitting. "Come on," he urged. "We'll do it together."
Slowly, Sai sat next to Neji and nodded. Neji offered Sai his best attempt at a comforting smile, but it felt more like a grimace. He decided to abandon that attempt and pat Sai's leg instead before breaking the seal on the envelope. He pulled the letter out, trying to ignore how raptly Sai followed his movements. When the letter was unfolded completely, Sai snatched it from Neji's fingers. He barely glanced at it before throwing it back in Neji's lap though.
"No!" Sai exclaimed, shaking his head and shutting his eyes tightly. "What was I thinking?! I don't wanna read it!"
Neji rubbed Sai's leg again before picking up the letter once more. He was only able to catch a mere glance at it, though, before Sai snatched it from his grip again. Then, moments later, it was thrown back into Neji's lap.
"No!" Sai exclaimed again. "No!" He took a deep breath and then went on in a softer tone, "You do it."
Neji sighed and picked the letter back up again. He paused for a few long moments, staring at Sai warily and anticipating his movements. Sai did not move though. He sat still, staring at the ground. Just as Neji was about to look back at the letter, Sai snatched it yet again. This time, Neji rolled his eyes and snatched it back.
"You really don't wanna read it, Sai," Neji assured. "They say all the shit you don't wanna hear."
"I read yours," Sai pointed out. "I already know what it says."
"You read it all?" Neji asked. "You didn't just skip to 'missing in action'?"
Sai flushed lightly. "Okay, I might have skipped a bit of it," he admitted. Neji raised a questioning brow. "Or a lot," Sai amended. "Or all," he added meekly after another short pause.
"Well, I've read the whole thing about a thousand times since then, and it's miserable," Neji assured. "I burnt it a few months back because of how miserable it was. They try their hands at all sorts of comforting words that mean nothing. All that stood out was 'missing in action' and that there was nothing they would do about it. It's hard to read." Neji added in a softer tone, "That's why I was always so thankful that you were there for me."
Sai nodded his head, giving Neji permission to continue. Neji took a deep breath and looked right to the spot that he had memorized on his own letter, where he knew the telling words would be. As he read them, his eyes instantly glazed over. No. God, no. Anything but that. Sai peeked up at his friend when Neji's breath caught in his throat.
"Dead?" Sai breathed out. His bottom lip instantly began quivering because he knew otherwise. Neji wouldn't have looked so mortified at death. Death was mercy compared to…
"Missing," Neji barely whispered.
Sai tried to contain himself by taking a few very deep breaths. In the end, tears overtook him. He found himself, once again, melded to Neji's chest. Neji cried with him too this time. For once, it was not because of Sasuke though. It was because of Haku. It was like being sentenced to hell all over again. It wasn't his husband this time, but it felt just the same. The rest of the morning was spent as Neji was used to spending them, except Sai did all the crying and Gaara was nowhere to be heard or seen.
Eventually, Sai cried himself back to sleep, and Neji was thankful for that. He wouldn't admit it to Sai, but he was kind of eager to be away from all of that overwhelming grief. He wiggled away from Sai and watched him for a few minutes, just to be sure that he was soundly asleep. When he was positive that Sai was out cold, he thumped on the wall quietly in hopes that Gaara hadn't left the apartment. He was glad to receive a quiet thump in reply, though it was a little too loud for Neji's liking. Sai stirred in his sleep at the noise but did not wake.
Neji and Gaara came out of their rooms at the same time and headed to the kitchen together. Gaara stayed quiet and waited patiently for Neji to speak first. He didn't want to pry or anything. Honestly, he wasn't even sure he wanted to hear about the dude in Neji's bed at all. So if Neji stayed silent all morning, Gaara wouldn't complain.
"I don't know what to do," Neji admitted quietly as he sat down at the island while Gaara busied himself with taking out ingredients to make omelets.
Gaara glanced over his shoulder but didn't stop his activities. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"About Sai… I don't know what to do," Neji said.
"I'm guessing that Sai is the guy sleeping in your bed," Gaara said, trying to keep any disdain from reaching his voice. He kicked the fridge shut, perhaps a bit more forcefully than intended, and ducked down to retrieve a pan from beneath the island.
"Yeah," Neji confirmed over the clanging. "He needs you."
Gaara popped back up with a pan in hand and set it on the island quietly as he gave Neji a quizzical look. He really hoped that Neji wasn't suggesting that literally. Gaara had no desire to do anything at all with someone who came into his house and claimed Neji for his own.
"What?" Gaara asked.
Neji shrugged, staring down at the island counter top. "You were there for me when…" Neji trailed off because the ending to that sentence was obvious. "That's what he needs now, but I don't know how to be you."
Gaara leaned back against the counter beside the fridge and folded his arms across his chest. "So… it's like that?" he asked glumly.
Neji raised a brow and lifted his eyes. "Like what?"
"Like he's lost someone," Gaara supplied.
Neji sighed and looked down again. "Yeah. Haku was even in Sasuke's squad too," Neji replied.
Gaara nodded slowly and dropped his own eyes to the floor. "That's rough," he said quietly. That made it impossible to be mad at the guy. Now he would really have to put his jealousy to the side. He couldn't very well hate a grieving man seeking comfort. Could he? Hmm... No, he decided that he couldn't. He wasn't the fluffiest guy you could meet but he wasn't an asshole either, at least not without good reason.
"It makes me wonder," Neji said quietly.
"Wonder what?" Gaara asked, looking back up at his friend.
Neji grimaced a bit and swallowed thickly. "If Naruto…" he began, but he let that sentence die when his throat began to tighten with emotion. He didn't want to say the words aloud. No. Naruto, at least, had to come back. He just had to survive for a little bit longer. He had to come home.
Gaara quickly rounded the island and pulled Neji into a hug, holding Neji's head against his chest and rubbing Neji's arm. He cleared his throat, just to make sure that he wouldn't betray the emotion he felt himself. "Naruto will come back," he said confidently, "so don't even think that."
"But they were all in the same—" Neji began to protest.
"He'll come back," Gaara interrupted firmly.
Neji nodded against Gaara's chest. "So how do I fix Sai?" he asked after a short pause. Gaara stopped rubbing Neji's arm abruptly and sported a momentary scowl before releasing Neji entirely and sitting down on a stool beside him.
"I don't know," he said flatly, shrugging.
"But you fixed me," Neji argued. "You should know."
"Neji," Gaara began, "I didn't fix you. You're still…" He paused to collect himself. After all, he had been in love with Neji since childhood. It wasn't exactly easy admitting out loud that Neji was still grieving Sasuke because he was still in love with him and that Gaara didn't have the power to change that, no matter how much he tried. Just the topic of Sasuke at all, no matter how casual, was tough. "I don't know," Gaara said decidedly. "I just loved you like I always have, and that seemed to do some good."
Neji nodded, looking away and down the hall toward his bedroom. "Maybe I should just love him too then," he suggested.
Gaara narrowed his eyes with displeasure while Neji was safely looking away. It took some effort to control his tone of voice though. "Be careful how you use your words," he warned as lightly as he could manage.
Neji snorted, but kept looking toward where Sai lay sleeping. "I'm not trying to replace his dead husband," Neji said. "I just want to be the friend you've been for me."
Gaara snorted too. He sure hoped that Neji didn't want to be a friend just like him because he was in love with Neji. The last thing that Gaara wanted was Neji falling in love with Sai. That would just be way too much. Neji, of course, took the snort offensively. He snapped his head back to Gaara, who stone-faced immediately. He wasn't surprised at the sudden change in attitude. He knew how that snort must have sounded to Neji, who wasn't at all aware of his inner-monologue.
"What?" Neji asked sharply. "You don't think I can do it?"
"Of course I do," Gaara said kindly. "I think you can go above and beyond. This guy will feel like sunshine and puppies in the next couple of days just from you smiling at him."
Neji had to smile at the flattery, but he playfully slapped Gaara's hand and said, "Don't flatter me like a girl."
Gaara chuckled and lifted his hands in an innocent gesture. "If the heel fits," he joked.
Neji pushed Gaara lightly. "Shut up," he said.
"Just saying," Gaara jested.
"I'll shove that heel up your ass if you don't shut up," Neji warned as he pushed Gaara lightly again.
"So you admit to wearing heels?" Gaara asked jokingly. Neji pushed him again and laughed, starting a play fight. "Hey, I'm not judging you," Gaara continued to joke as he nudged Neji back lightly.
Neji pushed Gaara yet again but with a bit more force. "Shut up!" he said louder but the tone of humor was much more alive in his voice than it had been in months. Gaara poked Neji in one of his tickle spots in retaliation and was rewarded with a yelp of laughter.
When Neji decided to poke Gaara back, Gaara cried, "Don't!" Although, his voice was lost in a fit of laughter as Neji assaulted him further.
They continued to tickle each other relentlessly until they were both in hysterical laughter. Gaara, of course, came out on top, and Neji could do no more than whine hollow insults and pleas for forgiveness through his uncontrollable laughter. Neji jumped back from one especially ticklish poke and only narrowly escaped falling off the stool completely by clutching onto Gaara's shirt. He thought that, with his momentum, the fabric should have just slid through his fingers or else ripped.
At the same time that Neji instinctively yanked himself upward, Gaara reacted likewise in a desperate act to save Neji's ass. As a result of their simultaneous overcompensation, they were forced into an awfully precarious position, though neither would call it exactly awkward. Gaara, having leapt out of his own seat, ended up looming half-way over Neji's. Their chests had been drawn right up against each other with Neji's hands between the two, gripping Gaara's shirt like a lifeline. In an primitive need to latch onto anything that would save him, Neji's legs had managed to hook themselves around Gaara.
The instant that his shock wore off, Gaara's desire kicked in. He immediately tried to wiggle out of the embrace. Not because it was awkward or uncomfortable, but because it was was too comfortable. It was too acceptable for Gaara. He liked being in that position way too much, and so he was desperate to get away. Neji, however, tightened his legs and pulled Gaara back down the few inches that he had managed to wiggle away. Gaara was forced to meet Neji's gaze, but Neji's eyes did not betray anything that he was feeling.
Why did Neji just do that? Was it out of curiosity for what could unfold between the two? Was it out of a reflex for not wanting to fall again? Was it out of genuine feelings for Gaara? Was it out of loneliness at not having been so intimately close to anyone since Sasuke had gone off to war? Just what the fuck was it? Couldn't Neji see how desperately Gaara needed to know? It seemed that he could because his eyes quickly became apologetic and he let the redhead go. Gaara hesitated for a moment, just to revel in their proximity for a second, to remember how it had felt to be so close to Neji like that.
"I'm sorry?" Sai's uncertain voice said from behind them.
Gaara suddenly wanted to stay put, to challenge the stranger to take Neji from him, but now Neji was the one scrambling. He shoved Gaara away and struggled to sit properly on his seat. "It's nothing!" he exclaimed quickly.
Gaara stumbled backward and glared at the back of Neji's head. Why was he suddenly so quick for it to be nothing? Had he not just been the one to pull Gaara back in? Now, he was shoving Gaara away. Why did he have to justify anything to Sai? What did it matter what Sai thought? Unless, despite what he'd said, Neji really did like Sai. Maybe Neji did want to replace Sai's husband. Gaara scowled. He had almost believed that something was actually transpiring between them just then.
Sai shrugged. "It's cool if you guys are like… together. I should have guessed," he said.
"We're not!" Neji informed quickly.
Sai tried not to do it, but Gaara did not miss the way that Sai's shoulders relaxed with relief or the pleased glance that he flitted in Gaara's direction. Gaara was sure that Sai didn't miss the glare that Gaara was giving him either. Neji was impervious to the aura of possession that Gaara projected around him. Perhaps he was just used to that type of energy from his friend, energy that he must have always taken to be of the friendly variety. Sai, however, was not impervious to that aura, and he did not take it as a friendly type at all, for that was not the type that it was. That energy, in fact, was so strong that Sai wouldn't have been surprised if it sprouted hands and choked him to death.
It took some effort for Gaara to relax. Eventually, he was able to unclench his fists and smooth out his shirt though. Just in time too because it was at the very same time that Neji glanced back to see why Sai was watching Gaara so intently. Gaara met Neji's eyes only momentarily before walking away to his room without a word. He tried to ignore what he knew would be a smug look from Sai. Sai must have known that he was winning this silent game of who's whose, and Gaara did not like that at all. He officially hated Sai and yes, he decided that he could very well hate a grieving man seeking comfort. He could hate him a lot, and he definitely did.
"Gaara?" Neji called after his friend worriedly.
Gaara waved a dismissive hand over his shoulder before very nearly slamming his door. Moments later, his music began to blare. Neji rubbed his nose in frustration, and Sai shifted uncomfortably. Sai didn't really intend to piss Gaara off. It wasn't on purpose or anything. It wasn't his fault if Gaara was in unrequited love though. What was Sai supposed to do, force Neji to love Gaara back? He couldn't help it if he was getting in the way. He also couldn't help it if he felt a bit triumphant, like he'd just won Neji or something. He didn't even think he wanted Neji. He hadn't even intended to stay even just one night here, but Neji was so inviting. Sai kind of wanted to stick around for a bit longer. Gaara would just have to deal with that. Maybe Sai did want Neji... just a little bit.
The rest of the day passed slowly. Sai was in decent spirits, or at least he wasn't bawling his eyes out. While they were watching TV, Neji compulsively glanced over his shoulder and Sai knew that he was hoping Gaara would come out of his room. When Gaara finally did leave his room, it was to leave the apartment altogether. Neji shot up off the couch and jumped over the back anyway, unaware that Gaara would only glance at his nervous stance dispassionately before leaving without a single word. Had Neji known that Gaara would have disregarded him so blatantly, or that he would end up looking so embarrassingly crestfallen, or that he would have to force himself not to cry, he would have just kept staring at the TV. He wasn't going to ask Sai to comfort him now though. It was supposed to be his job to comfort Sai. If Gaara wasn't there to comfort him though, if Gaara was the cause of his distress, then whose job was it to comfort Neji? For a moment, he thought about just saying "fuck it" and crumbling into Sai's lap. Instead, he chose to text Gaara.
Where are you going?
Neji vacantly watched the television as he awaited Gaara's reply. He didn't absorb a single word that was spoken for the entire ten minutes that he waited though. When the reply finally came, he flipped his phone open in record speed.
Out.
Neji rolled his eyes and wrinkled his nose in frustration.
Yeah. I figured that much, genius. You have to work tomorrow though. When will you be home?
After five more excruciating minutes of waiting, Neji chose to not even close his phone. Instead, he stared at the screen restlessly. When the answer finally came, his eyes, which had been glazing over, snapped to attention.
Yes, mother, I know. I'm a big boy. I'll come and go as I please.
Neji huffed and decided not to text Gaara back. He knew better than to pester Gaara when he was in a mood. He decided that it was best to just leave him alone, unless he wanted Sai to witness one of the epic fights that they could muster up when Gaara returned. Gaara and Neji hadn't fought in forever. Neji guessed that it was because he had been too fragile to butt heads. Neji must have really crossed a line now though. He just shouldn't have pulled Gaara back earlier. That had obviously made Gaara uncomfortable. Now, he probably thought that Neji was going to start crossing all sorts of boundaries. That was probably why he was so eager to get away.
It definitely seemed like something that Gaara would yell about, especially judging by his behavior thus far. He could easily come home and tear Neji a new one if he was pushed far enough. Neji didn't want Sai to witness that. Hell, he didn't want to witness it himself. He liked the comfortable atmosphere that he and Gaara had formed. Even if they had been friends for years, they could fight a lot and over the stupidest shit too. They were the only ones who could push each other's buttons so much. Neji never even fought with Sasuke, and they were married, but he had always fought with Gaara. They had butted heads ever since Neji could remember. Even if they fought a lot, they were still the best of friends. Neji liked his life with Gaara without the fighting though. It was peaceful. It was nice to have Gaara in a softer, sweeter way.
The one good thing that came of Sasuke's peril was that Neji and Gaara had nothing stupid to fight over anymore. Not only had Neji become too brittle to rustle up, but he had become so bland and empty too. He had lost a lot of his opinions and personality. Everything that irked him about Gaara before was suddenly meaningless. Everything that they would have disagreed on was pointless. The only life that Neji had begun to draw back into himself had taken five months to gather and it went only to the extent of what he loved about Gaara. He couldn't muster up the energy to fret over the things that he used to hate. Ever since Gaara had become the nurturing friend that Neji always knew was in there, Neji could see nothing more than how perfectly perfect Gaara was. Now, however, Neji had fucked all of that up. Things were probably just going to get weird. He just had to go and rock the boat. Awesome. Just awesome.
The rest of the day was eventless. Neji and Sai sat quietly, each feeling depressed for their own personal reasons. Eventually, Neji gave up waiting for Gaara to return and suggested that they just go to sleep. Once in the bedroom, Sai's previously even attitude became a whole other story. He broke into tears because he couldn't stop thinking of Haku, so Neji had to comfort him. Neji was glad for Sai's sadness though. In his desire to be there for Sai, he lost almost every inclination to breakdown into tears himself. He was, in a weird way, glad that Sai's grief could stifle his own for the time being, especially since there would be no Gaara to mop up his mess afterward.
"I have to be up at eight tomorrow," Neji said quietly after quite a while of silence as he rubbed Sai's back. Sai was, luckily, in between fits of misery and lying calmly.
Sai cleared his throat, but his voice still came out hoarse. "Of course you do," he said sadly. "I'll be fine. Don't worry. I'll… um… I'll… I'll just be fine"
Neji sighed. "I don't want you to be alone. I can have someone come over. My friends are wonderful people," he insisted. "They'll understand. Someone can take a day off. Uh… Kiba! Yeah! Kiba's an artist. He makes his own hours. He'd be glad to come keep you company. He's wonderful company. He really is. He's such a great guy. He'd really make you—"
"I'll be fine," Sai interrupted softly. He could feel Neji tense up though, belaying that he wasn't convinced. "Leave his number. If I get really upset, I'll call him," Sai offered.
Neji breathed a sigh of relief. That would do. "Okay," he agreed.
Sai sighed heavily when he glanced at the clock and saw that it was midnight. "Better get some sleep," he suggested. "You don't wanna be tired when you get up." He rolled away from Neji's side, but he felt instantly lonely on the other side of the bed. Neji had other things to worry about though. It wasn't like he could just stay up all night comforting Sai… but Sai couldn't help it if he needed Neji. He really couldn't, could he?
Neji shifted so that he was lying in a more comfortable position. He could hear Sai's breathing get heavy, and he knew that it was just a matter of moments before Sai turned back around to seek comfort. It was a noble attempt on Sai's part, and Neji appreciated it, but he'd been running on empty for months. He was always tired when he woke up. Plus, Gaara was like a boost of energy in the morning for Neji. He'd go to work feeling alright, even when he woke up dead tired. He didn't mind it if Sai monopolized more of his time. He didn't mind it at all.
As if summoned, Sai did turn back around and with tears in his eyes. Neji smiled and lifted an arm, inviting his friend to snuggle close, and Sai did just that. Luckily, he didn't cry much that night and Neji did have the chance to get quite a bit of sleep. He didn't sleep though. He tried knocking on the wall four separate times but got no reply. He knew that Gaara wasn't home because he would have heard him come in. He kept knocking anyway though, wishing that he could just receive a reply so that he could fall asleep.
Somewhere near 2 in the morning, Neji heard Gaara finally return. He listened to every step that Gaara took raptly and concluded that Gaara had definitely been drinking. If the heavy footsteps weren't indication enough, then the sound of Gaara slamming into his unopened door and grunting in pain definitely was. Neji fought the urge to go take care of Gaara because he knew that he probably wouldn't be received well. He heard Gaara enter his room and shuffle about for a bit. Finally, he stopped rustling around and very, very lightly knocked twice on the wall, taking extra care not to make it too loud. Then, he fell heavily onto his bed. Neji smiled wide. He knew that Gaara wouldn't be expecting it, but he was awake and he had been waiting to do exactly this all night. He knocked back a bit louder, just to be sure that Gaara would hear it. He heard the other shift once more on the bed before falling completely silent. Neji just listened to the silence for a while. After ten minutes, he decided that Gaara was asleep, so he was finally able to fall asleep himself.
Getting up was relatively easy. Sai wasn't glued to Neji or anything. The trick was just getting out of the cocoon of blankets that Sai had made around the both of them. Fortunately, Sai was not a light sleeper. Neji was finally able to free himself and go about his morning routine, feeling like the zombie that he always felt like until Gaara would wake up and brighten his day. He brewed the coffee, showered, blow-dried his long hair, got dressed, brushed his teeth, put a fresh towel on the rack by the tub for Gaara, checked his briefcase for all its contents, checked Gaara's briefcase for all its contents, toasted his toast while he poured his and Gaara's coffee, and then he waited.
By then, Gaara would normally be coming out of his room to drink his coffee and eat before taking a shower. He always made himself a decent breakfast because he had the time. Neji just settled on toast, even if he wished he could eat breakfast with Gaara instead, but he still liked to share the first sip of coffee with Gaara in the mornings. It was like a little tradition between them. Gaara would come out of his room looking all cute and disheveled, they would sip their coffee together, then Neji would say his goodbye and leave while Gaara cooked his breakfast before getting ready himself. Now, however, Gaara was nowhere to be seen. Neji peered down the hall to Gaara's bedroom door while restlessly tapping his coffee cup. He checked his watch and sighed. He grabbed his keys from the bowl beside the door and made to leave. Just as he was halfway out the door though, he remembered Sai. He had almost just left without leaving Kiba's number.
He checked his watch again. He could spare a couple of minutes. He set his briefcase and coffee down and closed the door, then he hurried down toward his bedroom. He had to stop his jaw from dropping in shock when Gaara came out of his room looking completely awake. Had he just been waiting for Neji to leave? The guilty look Gaara sported told Neji that he had been doing exactly that. Neji wanted to roll his eyes or do something else to portray his dismay, but all he could feel were tears in the corners of his eyes. Quickly, he turned away and entered his room without a word. Gaara watched Neji skeptically for a moment because Neji should have been gone, but then he scowled when he realized that it must have included Sai. Instead of watching whatever sickening exchange would unfold, Gaara went down to the kitchen.
Neji looked at Sai's sleeping form and frowned when he got up close. He was looking so weary again. Thoughtlessly, Neji brushed a few strands of hair out of the way and lightly stroked Sai's cheek. He leaned down and placed a feather light kiss on Sai's forehead because that was what Gaara would have done. Well, at least he would have before Neji had to go and get all weird on Gaara. Quickly, he wrote down Kiba's information on a sticky note and then stuck it to Sai's forehead. He felt a prickle of amusement when he stepped back and looked at his work, but it didn't bubble up quite enough. It seemed that his laughter still belonged solely to Gaara. Sai wasn't a very mobile sleeper. He shifted once or twice in the night but it was just to lift an arm over his head or move a leg. He didn't toss and turn, so the note would be there when he woke up for sure. Neji patted the blankets covering his friend gently and then left after quickly scrawling up another sticky note to stick elsewhere.
When he entered the kitchen, Neji stared sadly at the back of Gaara's head, which was buried in the fridge. His best friend had purposely tried to skip their morning coffee. Maybe it meant nothing to Gaara, but it was what got Neji out of bed in the mornings. He would never have been able to go back to work without Gaara. Determined to look unperturbed though, Neji quickly gathered his briefcase back up and stuck the note in his hand firmly to the fridge door in passing. He had to snicker when Gaara yelped in pain. He hadn't meant to send the door flying into Gaara's head but it happened anyway, and it was kind of funny. Gaara glared around the fridge door at Neji, but Neji just shrugged and grabbed his coffee cup. Maybe Gaara kind of deserved it anyway.
"Wait!" Gaara said quickly.
Neji paused half way through the door and leaned back on his heels to see into the apartment again. "What?" he asked.
Gaara picked up his coffee mug and held it out expectantly with a timid smile on his lips. Neji looked at the mug, then at Gaara, then back at the mug, then at his own cup, and then back at Gaara. He sighed and smirked. He couldn't even pretend to be mad at Gaara, so he moved back into the apartment and tapped his cup lightly against Gaara's. They traded smirks before taking their first sips simultaneously.
"That hurt," Gaara complained, touching his forehead gingerly once he had lowered his mug. Neji set down his briefcase and coffee cup to free up his hands. He removed Gaara's hand with one of his own and gently rubbed the forming bump with his other hand.
"I'm sorry," Neji said quietly, trying and failing to fake a remorseful pout. Gaara wanted to smile at how cute Neji looked. Instead, he pouted a real pout when Neji abandoned his sorry expression in favor of more snickering.
"It's not funny," Gaara said.
"It's a little funny," Neji argued with a mischievous smirk that was followed by another snicker.
Gaara pulled his hand from Neji's and swatted the one tending to his bruise away. "It's not funny," he repeated grumpily.
"It's a little funny," Neji insisted even more giddily. He tried to stifle his chuckles, but Gaara's attempt at a glare was doing nothing to help with that endeavor. In the end, Gaara gave in and snorted lightly with just a smidgen of laughter. The small gesture prompted Neji to start chuckling anew, not that he had ever really stopped to begin with.
"It's a little funny," Gaara finally agreed. And why shouldn't he? He was unable to argue with the light that filled Neji's eyes. If a little thump on the head was all it took to ease their tension and push them back into the comfortable life they had been sharing, then Gaara would deal with the bruise.
"I am sorry though," Neji said a bit more seriously, though amusement still played at every one of his features. "I really didn't mean to hurt you," he added while he softly touched the bump again, which had evolved into a big knot within a matter of seconds. Neji grimaced, showing real remorse this time. "I really didn't," he swore, looking all sorts of apologetic.
Thoughtlessly, Gaara reached up and laid his hand atop Neji's hand and smiled. Neji didn't seem to mind the contact at all, but Gaara literally stopped breathing when he realized exactly what he was doing. He was supposed to be easing tension, not recreating it. He didn't remove his hand, though that may have just been due to the fact that he felt as paralyzed as a deer in headlights. Neji was unfazed though. He simply brushed his thumb over the bruise once more before smoothly slipping his hand out from underneath Gaara's, only to pulled him, instead, into a hug. Gaara barely had the time to process Neji's hands pressing into the small of his back or Neji's breath brushing up against his neck, let alone time to gather his wits enough to hug the other back, before Neji was already pulling away.
"Have a nice day," Neji said more brightly than he did on any other typical morning. It felt a lot nicer to Neji this day though, because he had almost had to leave without saying it. It was curious how one little morning ritual sculpted his entire day.
"Back at ya," Gaara replied less easily than he normally did, unable to let Neji's casual attitude rub off on him too. He was a bit shell-shocked. He just wasn't sure exactly what was happening between them.
"I will," Neji assured with a happy nod of the head.
For what felt like the millionth time that morning, Neji gathered his things and left feeling happier than he could ever remember feeling when it came to leaving for work. He checked his watch again as he waited for the elevator. He tsked when realized that he had taken more than just a couple of minutes, but they were minutes well spent if they were minutes with Gaara. Thank god Gaara was out of his mood and thank god Hinata was so understanding. She would let it slide, especially after Neji explained his situation. Hell, she might even insist that he take some time off, even if he had only just gotten back to work the previous month.
He glanced over his shoulder toward the apartment and was surprised to see that Gaara was leaning half out of the doorway watching him. He smiled and lifted his briefcase hand to wave goodbye just as the elevator dinged. Gaara looked a bit caught off guard, but then he smiled and waved back. Neither man could wipe the grin off his face as they held each other's gaze until the elevator doors closed between them. Even then, they both continued to smile to themselves.
Gaara stayed staring at the closed elevator doors for a few more moments before finally retreating back into the apartment. The rest of his morning passed as it normally did, except his thoughts of Neji were a bit more muddled than usual. Nonetheless, he drank his coffee, ate, showered, dressed, gathered his things which Neji always so thoughtfully laid out for him, grabbed his keys from the bowl beside the door, and then left feeling content. He had done it all without having to meet Sai even once too. That was what put the extra pep in his step this morning, or maybe it was just Neji. Either way, it was going to be a good day.
When Sai finally woke up, the note was, indeed, still stuck to his forehead. When he read it over, he couldn't help but smile at Neji's choice of ending.
835-7642 is Kiba's number. I
already told him you might call.
835-5607 is Gaara's number,
if you really need it. Love you.
He wasn't thrilled about Kiba, but that last "love you" made him feel giddy. What was this feeling? It had been so long since he'd felt so excited. Could he be falling for Neji so easily? It took some time, but Sai did eventually get out of bed and take a shower. He ended up dressing in Neji's clothes, just until he could find some time to go down to his car and get his suitcase. He went to find something to eat in the kitchen and smiled again when he found the note stuck on the fridge for him.
I'm calling you at lunch.
Neji sure made Sai feel… good. Good. He felt good… but that was so wrong. Was it? Yes. He couldn't feel good. No. Good was not in his vocabulary anymore. His appetite was lost, so he trudged back to the bedroom. He could only stare at the bed from the doorway though. He couldn't even cross that threshold into the room. That was where Neji had made him feel so comforted and safe and… good. Then, Sai began to cry. Those emotions were supposed to be reserved for Haku. Good was Haku's territory. Sai was Haku's. Haku. Haku. Haku. Haku was dead though. No, not even that. Haku was missing. He didn't even have the decency to be dead. He couldn't just be finished, over, gone. He had to be missing. He had to be possibly-coming-back-someday. He had to be maybe-dead-and-maybe-not. He had to be you'll-never-fucking-know. That was the truth though. Sai may never know, and he may never be able to feel good again just because of that.
Sai didn't even bother going back to the bed. He shouldn't be warm and comfortable because his Haku was missing. He wanted to be missing too. He didn't want to be alone for even another moment, but being with anyone other than Haku felt so wrong, especially when it was Neji… or maybe Neji was the only exception. Fuck. Sai had no clue. All he knew was that he felt especially miserable, and he did not want to call a "great guy" like Kiba, who was allegedly "wonderful company". He wanted Haku… or Neji… or… Fuck! He didn't know.
He could want Neji, but he couldn't have him anyway. Even if he could convince himself that these feelings were alright, Neji was already taken. Neji was Gaara's and that was an obvious fact. Neji had probably always been Gaara's and he probably always would be. They were like a magnetic force. They would seek each other out instinctively. Sai could see it written all over Gaara's face. Neji was either absolutely daft or he simply didn't care though. Either way, Sai was stepping on Gaara's toes just by being there. Sai was not a selfish man though. He didn't want to cause trouble. He could seek comfort elsewhere. He had a loving family waiting for him to come home just to comfort him, in fact.
He reminded himself that he had come with a purpose in mind. He was supposed to talk to Neji. Then, he was supposed to leave. He couldn't be roped into staying any longer. In fact, he couldn't even stay another minute. He had to leave. He had to go home to his family. He had to go now. Being here was just so confusing... for everyone. He had to just get done what needed to be done, but he would do that in the living room and far away from that bed.