Sirius felt sick. Not a drunken, full of booze and greasy food kind of sick. Not an ill, 'caught a bug' kind of sick either. No, this was a feeling born of deep, bone aching, nerve jangling worry. And love. And anger. But mostly worry.
He had been in his hiding place in Hogsmeade when a Patronus had appeared in front of him. It had informed him, in the infuriatingly calm voice of Albus Dumbledore, that Harry had completed the fourth task and was alive. This would have brought joy into Sirius' heart had it not been for the extremely sombre "Harry needs you Sirius. Voldermort had returned" that followed. He had transformed into his canine self at once and bounded up to Hogwarts as fast as he could.
It was here that he waited, in Hagrid's pumpkin patch, still Padfoot but with wave after wave of nausea and panic washing over him. It was making him restless, and he paced backwards and forwards without really watching his surroundings. He became aware of the sudden presence of another person, and looked up to see Minerva McGonagall staring at him with a slightly bewildered expression. "Erm" she said, clearly feeling a bit ridiculous talking to a dog, "if you would like to follow me Professor Dumbledore is waiting for you in his office." Sirius, to McGonagall's great surprise, took off immediately up through the grounds and into the castle without pausing to see if she was following.
Harry looked broken. He staggered into the office covered in mud and scrapes, and oh God was that blood? He was clutching his arm tightly and seemed to be having difficulty controlling his breathing. His exhausted eyes met Sirius', and Sirius could have sworn he saw the tiniest spark of relief reflected in them. Sirius sprang from his seat and, trying to keep his own hands from shaking he assisted a weakening Harry into his chair.
"I knew it" he found himself saying. "I knew something like this would happen. I said-" He was cut off by Dumbledore holding his hand up. "Sirius, I feel it would be best if we allowed Harry to tell his tale first, we can discuss everything else later."
And so, with a desperate look at a helpless Sirius, Harry began the story of the graveyard.
It was later, in the hospital wing, after Sirius had revealed his true identity to Molly Weasley and Snape, that Sirius got his first chance to be alone with his Godson. He watched as the boy slept, and tried to resist the urge to gather the boy up in his arms and never let him go.
Before Harry had been born, Sirius had never really considered himself to be any good with children. He had been twenty one, arrogant, more interested in dating as many women as possible than settling down like James. He admired his best friend, was pleased for him, but wasn't a bit jealous. That was until Harry had been born and Sirius declared Godfather. He had held that tiny, black-haired bundle in his arms and realised that he had fallen in love with the boy. His love obviously wasn't as strong as James or Lily's, but it was enough to know that he would do anything on this Earth to protect Harry Potter. To give him the best life ever if the unthinkable happened and James wasn't around. To lay down his own life to keep Harry safe.
But he had failed. He had failed in every promise he had made fourteen years ago. And he was the reason why Harry was lying in front of him having been through more than most people faced in a lifetime. Sirius was losing himself to these morbid thoughts, when he realised he was now the one being watched.
Dull, green eyes were looking up at him from a very pale face, and Sirius could see the pain Harry was clearly feeling. He leant forwards, and places a hand gently on Harry's. A small part of him was pleased when Harry did not pull away. "Harry, you should sleep some more" he whispered "you need to rest."
"Why are you here?" Harry asked, ignoring Sirius completely.
Sirius was puzzled, "why would I not be here?"
Harry turned his face away, in a poor attempt to hide the sudden tears that sprang up in his eyes. "Why would you want to be anywhere near a murderer?" he whispered, so quietly that Sirius barely heard him. The already fragile pieces of Sirius' heart shattered completely. He closed his eyes and counted to ten in every language he knew, before taking a deep breath and taking Harry's face in his hands.
He gently forced the boy to look at him, refusing to let Harry turn away again. "Harry, Cedric dying was not your fault. You were an innocent bystander in a game much bigger than you." Sirius was trying to keep his voice calm and quiet, as though Harry were a frightened rabbit. Frightened was right, Harry was trembling in his bed. "I understand you have been through so much, much more than is right, or fair. But Harry you have to see that there is no part of this that is down to you." Sirius was almost pleading now, desperate to make the boy see.
"I'm so tired Sirius" Harry whispered "I wish it was over."
"Voldermort?" Sirius questioned "Harry, I'm so sorry but it's only just begun." Sirius didn't see the point in lying to Harry. He deserved far more than that.
Harry nodded carefully, trying not to aggravate his pounding headache further. "I know that" he said plainly "but that's not what I meant." He closed his eyes and turned away once more, refusing to say anything else.
Sirius felt as though his insides had turned to ice. He had suddenly realised what Harry meant and he knew he would never be whole again. Harry didn't know. He didn't know how much he was loved, and how much he was needed in the world. Not because he had destroyed Voldermort as a baby, but because he was Harry. A wonderful, beautiful, brave and incredible boy who Sirius loved with all his heart.
"Harry. I know I haven't been a good Godfather to you and I will never forgive myself for leaving you alone all those years ago. You don't know me very well, and so you have no reason at all to trust me. But if you believe even just one thing that I say then let it be this. I love you Harry Potter. As if you were my own son. And I would never want to be in a world that you weren't in. So please, never say that you wish your life was over. You will move on from what has happened today I promise you. You have so much to live for, and I am making a promise to you now that I will do everything in my power to make sure that you get to live it."
Sirius could feel himself getting near to tears, but he held them back as he reached out a tentative hand and gently stroked Harry's hair. He could see Harry's shoulders shaking and before he had the chance to do anything about it, the boy had sat up abruptly and thrown himself into Sirius' surprised arms.
Sirius held him tightly and allowed Harry to sob all the pain he had been feeling into his shoulder.
He knew it wasn't going to be an easy journey ahead, but he was going to be there from now on. He would keep Harry safe even if it killed him.
That was his promise.