Never Needed to be Said
By Dark Ash
Summary: [Mangaverse] "I tried to tell you again today. It was hard, and the words that had been formulated in my head before had refused to come out . . . Why did you have to look worried about me?" A Keiichi angst fic, with kibbles and bits of Keiichi/Kamui (mm, dog food. Delectable). My first (completed) X fic.
Genre: Angst/Romance . . .? I guess you could call it that . . . Really, really, really light romance . . .
A/N: ::maniacal laughter:: Keiichi-kuuuuun! I finally wrote a Keiichi ficlet (with a touch of Keiichi/Kamui to boot)! (o.o) Only problem is that it's angst . . . or is that a problem? It's not like Keiichi to angst . . . but . . . Eh, I couldn't resist! (^_^) Anywho, this is a songfic to "With a Little Help from my Friends", by the Beatles. Originally, I had a much more dark story than it turned out to be in mind, but that's okay. It's still interesting. Ja, minna. Read on. I hope you enjoy it.
WARNINGS: Shounen-ai/ borderline yaoi, angsty Keiichi. Heh.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~What would you think if I sang out a tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me? ~
I tried to tell you again. It was hard, and the words that had been formulated in my head before had refused to come out. You looked at me in a funny way when I tried to tell you, but then I just laughed and said I was absentminded and you shouldn't worry about it.
Why did you have to look worried about me? I'm fine! Really, I am!
I just . . .
~Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key. ~
I don't want you to get hurt. Since Mom died, you've become the most important person in my life. I'm sorry; I've been selfish, haven't I? Maybe it's because all of my old friends felt uncomfortable with me after Dad died, and so I gravitated to you, and now you're all I really have, I've been being greedy and taking up an amount of your valuable time.
But . . . you don't say no.
Of course, you aren't the type . . .
I wish you would tell me when I take advantage of you.
~Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends. ~
You don't know that I take anti-depressants. Most of the time they work well enough, but I try even harder around you to be happy. You really deserve that, because you're such a good friend.
I didn't even need them when Mom and Dad died. It was something . . . that happened a few days after Mom's death that haunts me still and sometimes makes me wonder why I'm here.
I was walking around downtown, in the crowded streets where sometimes it's hard to breathe because it's so packed in. I always liked it there, always, because I felt like there could be no other place where there are so many people, most of them kind. It was comfortable there.
That was . . . until I saw her.
A small girl lay in an alley, her eyes wide open. They were a chestnut brown, almost a dirty brown, I remember. How old was she? Maybe six or seven years old. Her hair was clumped up with sweat, sticking to her forehead. She was thin, very thin.
I stared and stopped. People jostled me about, as seeming as if they didn't see her. As she saw me walking over to me, she whispered thinly, "The men hurt me. They hurt me bad on the inside." You looked up at me and smiled. "Are you . . . are you a good man?"
Disbelief filled me. Surely I wasn't the only one who had come to help her. "Are you alright?" I asked, but, thinking back, that was a stupid question. I just couldn't think of anything else to say.
"They didn't even look at me . . ." She closed her eyes, a light frown touching the corners of her face. "I was always invisible unless they wanted to hurt me on the inside."
She stopped talking then and fell asleep . . .
And the rest of the crowd walked by and didn't care.
I carried her to the hospital. I couldn't pay for her wounds, but I was hoping that they could help her.
She died on the way there.
~What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)~
It rips me to even think about it.
I cried long and hard when I heard that she died in the hospital. In a way, I was oddly happy, but most of me was very sad. On one hand, she wouldn't have to worry about "the men hurting her on the inside" and staying out in the cold for another few, sad hours before becoming a nameless corpse . . . but is that a fair price for a innocent's life? No, no, of course it isn't. She was alone, but someone had to love her. Somebody ::had:: to.
Another part of me feels guilty for thinking this way because she was all alone, so maybe there was nobody left . . . so maybe dying was the best thing for her anyway.
God, why do I do this to myself?
~How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)~
How stupid am I, anyway? Lots of people die every day, but her death alone made me reconsider life.
I . . . I did it, Shirou. I almost killed myself. You were away, hurt in the hospital, and I was lonely, so I took a dose of random drugs in the dorm bathroom. Pills, mostly, but I took some cough syrup too. I think I only did the cough syrup because I thought it tasted bad. Mom always gave it to me when I was sick, and I felt horrible after tasting it. I thought that would make me feel like I was dying.
. . . I don't know; that was my twisted logic at the time.
Anyway, I stood in the doorway of my room for a while, not moving. I didn't even sway. At that point, I wondered why I wasn't swaying or falling. My parents had both swayed and fell when they died. That's how most people die, right?
I walked over to the window, and started feeling a little queasy.
~No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends~
Outside my window, two little children played. One looked at the other with a smile on his face.
"Seita-kun, d'ya wanna play grown-ups?"
Seita looked at his companion and blinked. "Anou . . . alright, I guess. Are you sure that's what you wanna play, Kenichi-chan?"
Kenichi nodded, his grin across his face. "I get to be mommy, and you get to be daddy!"
Seita blushed furiously. "Wha-what do you mean, Kenichi-chan?" In the end, however, they played the game. Yes, Kenichi was mommy and Seita was daddy, but they both managed to have a fun time.
And that made me smile, even as I felt my knees wobble and I became unstable.
I went back to the bathroom and threw up. I forced it, because I realized that I still had a life. I just made a mistake . . . that was all.
~(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love~
I still feel greedy. I still feel that I could have saved her . . . and I know it's stupid to think so long and hard about it, but it doesn't completely go away.
She was the first person I personally saw die. I don't want to see you die, Kamui. I never want to see you die or get hurt. I'm going to try to do my best to make sure you never get hurt. Never while I am here.
I won't be a coward like last time.
I won't let you be the little girl that I found out on the street.
~(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love. ~
I need to love you, Shirou-kun. I need to love you, because I fear that if I don't, I'll have nothing else to live for.
Do you know what it's like to feel like you have nobody?
I bet you do. I see sadness in your eyes, even when you're smiling.
~(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time. ~ Love . . .
Love is something that I try to hold on to, but it always slips through my fingers. I don't know how to keep it and I don't know how to feel it so I don't hurt anybody.
It's all my fault, isn't it? It's all my fault that my mom died. If I had been there, then she might be alive now.
But . . . I . . .
~(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine. ~
I don't want you to cry, Shirou-kun. I hate it when I see you near tears, and you refuse to cry. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Have I hurt you? Would you tell me if I did?
Something tells me you wouldn't.
I see you at night when I'm lonely. It makes me feel guilty, and I shouldn't be thinking about you that way, but the idea of you always comes back to me and rubs against me like an overly happy cat. After a while, I just can't help it, and I pet it.
But, oh God, I feel so dirty.
~Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mm, I'm get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends~
Nobody's loved me before, other than my mom and dad. We were all a really close family. I didn't have very many friends, and most of them stayed in public school when I went to Clamp Academy. The others went into their own private little groups. Some people thought I was too outgoing and annoying.
I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before . . .
~(Do you need anybody?)
I just want someone to love~
Alright, I'll say it.
~(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love~
I want you to love me, Shirou. I want you to say that it's alright, and everything will be fine in the end.
I guess . . .
I guess that means I love you, Shirou-kun.
Is this what love feels like?
~Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends~
Staring at the clock, I wait for lunch break to come. My English teacher talks to my class for what seems forever.
This is easy. English is always easy. It always has been for me.
Finally, the bell rings.
I meet you out at the water fountain, as usual. You smile gently and say hello to me, and I smile back.
We talk about school for a while.
You're really handsome, Shirou-kun. I meant it when I said it when we first had lunch together, and I still mean it now. I don't think I can handle it any longer.
"Shirou-kun?" I ask. You look at me questioningly. "Can I tell you something?"
You look a little swept up, but you say, "Um . . . I guess so. What is it, Keiichi?"
This is hard to say, but something inside me that stopped me before is gone now. "I love you."
Tears bud at the corners of your eyes. What did I do? "Shirou, Shirou, are you alright?"
Sniffling, you nod, but your eyes don't look any dryer. You look down and sigh.
. . . oh God, please, please Shirou, say something . . .
Quickly, I feel your arms around my shoulders, your body shuddering. "Kei . . . ichi . . ." I hear you whisper.
I don't want you to cry anymore. I don't want you to feel sad. "Please, Shirou-kun . . . can I do anything?"
You look at me sadly, tears rolling down your cheeks. "I guess . . . I just want you to hold me now . . . if it's . . . not a problem to you . . . "
And I do, tears still falling from your cheeks.
And nothing more needs to be said.
~Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: . . . I can't write Kamui ::at all::. Oh well. Please, please tell me if there is any plausible way I can improve. I've only read up to volume 13 of X (once . . . ::cries::), so if anything is incorrect that is my fault. I hope you liked it.
By Dark Ash
Summary: [Mangaverse] "I tried to tell you again today. It was hard, and the words that had been formulated in my head before had refused to come out . . . Why did you have to look worried about me?" A Keiichi angst fic, with kibbles and bits of Keiichi/Kamui (mm, dog food. Delectable). My first (completed) X fic.
Genre: Angst/Romance . . .? I guess you could call it that . . . Really, really, really light romance . . .
A/N: ::maniacal laughter:: Keiichi-kuuuuun! I finally wrote a Keiichi ficlet (with a touch of Keiichi/Kamui to boot)! (o.o) Only problem is that it's angst . . . or is that a problem? It's not like Keiichi to angst . . . but . . . Eh, I couldn't resist! (^_^) Anywho, this is a songfic to "With a Little Help from my Friends", by the Beatles. Originally, I had a much more dark story than it turned out to be in mind, but that's okay. It's still interesting. Ja, minna. Read on. I hope you enjoy it.
WARNINGS: Shounen-ai/ borderline yaoi, angsty Keiichi. Heh.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~What would you think if I sang out a tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me? ~
I tried to tell you again. It was hard, and the words that had been formulated in my head before had refused to come out. You looked at me in a funny way when I tried to tell you, but then I just laughed and said I was absentminded and you shouldn't worry about it.
Why did you have to look worried about me? I'm fine! Really, I am!
I just . . .
~Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key. ~
I don't want you to get hurt. Since Mom died, you've become the most important person in my life. I'm sorry; I've been selfish, haven't I? Maybe it's because all of my old friends felt uncomfortable with me after Dad died, and so I gravitated to you, and now you're all I really have, I've been being greedy and taking up an amount of your valuable time.
But . . . you don't say no.
Of course, you aren't the type . . .
I wish you would tell me when I take advantage of you.
~Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends. ~
You don't know that I take anti-depressants. Most of the time they work well enough, but I try even harder around you to be happy. You really deserve that, because you're such a good friend.
I didn't even need them when Mom and Dad died. It was something . . . that happened a few days after Mom's death that haunts me still and sometimes makes me wonder why I'm here.
I was walking around downtown, in the crowded streets where sometimes it's hard to breathe because it's so packed in. I always liked it there, always, because I felt like there could be no other place where there are so many people, most of them kind. It was comfortable there.
That was . . . until I saw her.
A small girl lay in an alley, her eyes wide open. They were a chestnut brown, almost a dirty brown, I remember. How old was she? Maybe six or seven years old. Her hair was clumped up with sweat, sticking to her forehead. She was thin, very thin.
I stared and stopped. People jostled me about, as seeming as if they didn't see her. As she saw me walking over to me, she whispered thinly, "The men hurt me. They hurt me bad on the inside." You looked up at me and smiled. "Are you . . . are you a good man?"
Disbelief filled me. Surely I wasn't the only one who had come to help her. "Are you alright?" I asked, but, thinking back, that was a stupid question. I just couldn't think of anything else to say.
"They didn't even look at me . . ." She closed her eyes, a light frown touching the corners of her face. "I was always invisible unless they wanted to hurt me on the inside."
She stopped talking then and fell asleep . . .
And the rest of the crowd walked by and didn't care.
I carried her to the hospital. I couldn't pay for her wounds, but I was hoping that they could help her.
She died on the way there.
~What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)~
It rips me to even think about it.
I cried long and hard when I heard that she died in the hospital. In a way, I was oddly happy, but most of me was very sad. On one hand, she wouldn't have to worry about "the men hurting her on the inside" and staying out in the cold for another few, sad hours before becoming a nameless corpse . . . but is that a fair price for a innocent's life? No, no, of course it isn't. She was alone, but someone had to love her. Somebody ::had:: to.
Another part of me feels guilty for thinking this way because she was all alone, so maybe there was nobody left . . . so maybe dying was the best thing for her anyway.
God, why do I do this to myself?
~How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)~
How stupid am I, anyway? Lots of people die every day, but her death alone made me reconsider life.
I . . . I did it, Shirou. I almost killed myself. You were away, hurt in the hospital, and I was lonely, so I took a dose of random drugs in the dorm bathroom. Pills, mostly, but I took some cough syrup too. I think I only did the cough syrup because I thought it tasted bad. Mom always gave it to me when I was sick, and I felt horrible after tasting it. I thought that would make me feel like I was dying.
. . . I don't know; that was my twisted logic at the time.
Anyway, I stood in the doorway of my room for a while, not moving. I didn't even sway. At that point, I wondered why I wasn't swaying or falling. My parents had both swayed and fell when they died. That's how most people die, right?
I walked over to the window, and started feeling a little queasy.
~No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends~
Outside my window, two little children played. One looked at the other with a smile on his face.
"Seita-kun, d'ya wanna play grown-ups?"
Seita looked at his companion and blinked. "Anou . . . alright, I guess. Are you sure that's what you wanna play, Kenichi-chan?"
Kenichi nodded, his grin across his face. "I get to be mommy, and you get to be daddy!"
Seita blushed furiously. "Wha-what do you mean, Kenichi-chan?" In the end, however, they played the game. Yes, Kenichi was mommy and Seita was daddy, but they both managed to have a fun time.
And that made me smile, even as I felt my knees wobble and I became unstable.
I went back to the bathroom and threw up. I forced it, because I realized that I still had a life. I just made a mistake . . . that was all.
~(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love~
I still feel greedy. I still feel that I could have saved her . . . and I know it's stupid to think so long and hard about it, but it doesn't completely go away.
She was the first person I personally saw die. I don't want to see you die, Kamui. I never want to see you die or get hurt. I'm going to try to do my best to make sure you never get hurt. Never while I am here.
I won't be a coward like last time.
I won't let you be the little girl that I found out on the street.
~(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love. ~
I need to love you, Shirou-kun. I need to love you, because I fear that if I don't, I'll have nothing else to live for.
Do you know what it's like to feel like you have nobody?
I bet you do. I see sadness in your eyes, even when you're smiling.
~(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time. ~ Love . . .
Love is something that I try to hold on to, but it always slips through my fingers. I don't know how to keep it and I don't know how to feel it so I don't hurt anybody.
It's all my fault, isn't it? It's all my fault that my mom died. If I had been there, then she might be alive now.
But . . . I . . .
~(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine. ~
I don't want you to cry, Shirou-kun. I hate it when I see you near tears, and you refuse to cry. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Have I hurt you? Would you tell me if I did?
Something tells me you wouldn't.
I see you at night when I'm lonely. It makes me feel guilty, and I shouldn't be thinking about you that way, but the idea of you always comes back to me and rubs against me like an overly happy cat. After a while, I just can't help it, and I pet it.
But, oh God, I feel so dirty.
~Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mm, I'm get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends~
Nobody's loved me before, other than my mom and dad. We were all a really close family. I didn't have very many friends, and most of them stayed in public school when I went to Clamp Academy. The others went into their own private little groups. Some people thought I was too outgoing and annoying.
I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before . . .
~(Do you need anybody?)
I just want someone to love~
Alright, I'll say it.
~(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love~
I want you to love me, Shirou. I want you to say that it's alright, and everything will be fine in the end.
I guess . . .
I guess that means I love you, Shirou-kun.
Is this what love feels like?
~Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends~
Staring at the clock, I wait for lunch break to come. My English teacher talks to my class for what seems forever.
This is easy. English is always easy. It always has been for me.
Finally, the bell rings.
I meet you out at the water fountain, as usual. You smile gently and say hello to me, and I smile back.
We talk about school for a while.
You're really handsome, Shirou-kun. I meant it when I said it when we first had lunch together, and I still mean it now. I don't think I can handle it any longer.
"Shirou-kun?" I ask. You look at me questioningly. "Can I tell you something?"
You look a little swept up, but you say, "Um . . . I guess so. What is it, Keiichi?"
This is hard to say, but something inside me that stopped me before is gone now. "I love you."
Tears bud at the corners of your eyes. What did I do? "Shirou, Shirou, are you alright?"
Sniffling, you nod, but your eyes don't look any dryer. You look down and sigh.
. . . oh God, please, please Shirou, say something . . .
Quickly, I feel your arms around my shoulders, your body shuddering. "Kei . . . ichi . . ." I hear you whisper.
I don't want you to cry anymore. I don't want you to feel sad. "Please, Shirou-kun . . . can I do anything?"
You look at me sadly, tears rolling down your cheeks. "I guess . . . I just want you to hold me now . . . if it's . . . not a problem to you . . . "
And I do, tears still falling from your cheeks.
And nothing more needs to be said.
~Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: . . . I can't write Kamui ::at all::. Oh well. Please, please tell me if there is any plausible way I can improve. I've only read up to volume 13 of X (once . . . ::cries::), so if anything is incorrect that is my fault. I hope you liked it.