I missed you today. Though that's a bit of a laugh considering that I miss you everyday. But today was different, today my heart just ached. Everything I did reminded me of you. Every noise, every smell, every tough was some how connected to you.
I know why though. It was because I went back to work. I didn't go out there of course but still I was there. Surrounded by our work mates, our friends, and our family. After the first couple of matches I got tired of everyone's hugs and asking how I was so I left. Didn't go anywhere in particular just drove around for a few hours before eventually returning to the house. I picked up my cell and dialled your number hoping that you would maybe somehow answer. But tears fell when I listened to the recorded message,
"Sorry but the number you have dialled is not connected, please check the number and try again"
I hung up and threw my phone across the room. Why couldn't people understand that I just wanted to talk to you? That hearing your voice was all that mattered to me. Then she walked in and for a moment I thought it was you. It didn't matter that her hair was dark and she was older she arrived during my hour of need as you had so many nights before. But as soon as your names escaped from my dry and harsh lips I knew the mistake I had made. I felt the tears slip from my eyes and hastily wiped them away.
I knew it was ok for men to cry but not in front of a lady. She walked over to me placing a cassette in my hands before sitting on the chair in the corner. I ignored her presence while I let the cassette gently move from hand to hand. I knew what it was… your voice, it was a cassette that was recorded during your last show. I didn't have to hear it to know what was said word for word. You were speaking to the crowd, then in the locker room and you were laughing, your magnificent laugh. I had listen to the recording so many times it wasn't funny but one night I was so angry I had thrown it away. Obviously she had found it for me. I looked up at her with a face full of gratitude and without saying a word she stood up, kissed my forehead and walked out gently closing the door behind her.
I went back out to the car, inserted the cassette and looked at the clock as I started the engine. It was just before 5am, another sleepless night. Similar to the numerous sleepless nights I have had ever since you got sick. The sun was slowly rising above the horizon when I parked the car at the cliff. It wasn't a particularly fancy cliff ut it was your favourite, the one you always went to think, and the one I had thrown your ashes from. I turned the cassette up as I climbed out of the car to sit on the edge of the cliff.
Why did you leave us? What was it that made you give up? You know they had found a donor? They were rushing to get it to you but you'd slipped away before they could. You left this world before they were able to help you. Everyone cried that day. Even the doctor, which at first I thought was weird but then remembered how much of a fan he was. The whole world mourned for you… well at least the wrestling world did.
Slowly I stood up and took the short jump over the edge of the cliff. I felt the rush of air beneath me and I remembered the last thing you said to me…
"Keep living, live for the both of us Billy, live so the whole world knows I'm still here. I love you" I felt so guilty at that split second. Then I fell hard against the cold rocks and I was nothing. A man who was meant to live for both of us was now nothing. But I just wanted to be back in your arms, I just wanted to be with you again. The one I loved, the one called Torrie.
I know why though. It was because I went back to work. I didn't go out there of course but still I was there. Surrounded by our work mates, our friends, and our family. After the first couple of matches I got tired of everyone's hugs and asking how I was so I left. Didn't go anywhere in particular just drove around for a few hours before eventually returning to the house. I picked up my cell and dialled your number hoping that you would maybe somehow answer. But tears fell when I listened to the recorded message,
"Sorry but the number you have dialled is not connected, please check the number and try again"
I hung up and threw my phone across the room. Why couldn't people understand that I just wanted to talk to you? That hearing your voice was all that mattered to me. Then she walked in and for a moment I thought it was you. It didn't matter that her hair was dark and she was older she arrived during my hour of need as you had so many nights before. But as soon as your names escaped from my dry and harsh lips I knew the mistake I had made. I felt the tears slip from my eyes and hastily wiped them away.
I knew it was ok for men to cry but not in front of a lady. She walked over to me placing a cassette in my hands before sitting on the chair in the corner. I ignored her presence while I let the cassette gently move from hand to hand. I knew what it was… your voice, it was a cassette that was recorded during your last show. I didn't have to hear it to know what was said word for word. You were speaking to the crowd, then in the locker room and you were laughing, your magnificent laugh. I had listen to the recording so many times it wasn't funny but one night I was so angry I had thrown it away. Obviously she had found it for me. I looked up at her with a face full of gratitude and without saying a word she stood up, kissed my forehead and walked out gently closing the door behind her.
I went back out to the car, inserted the cassette and looked at the clock as I started the engine. It was just before 5am, another sleepless night. Similar to the numerous sleepless nights I have had ever since you got sick. The sun was slowly rising above the horizon when I parked the car at the cliff. It wasn't a particularly fancy cliff ut it was your favourite, the one you always went to think, and the one I had thrown your ashes from. I turned the cassette up as I climbed out of the car to sit on the edge of the cliff.
Why did you leave us? What was it that made you give up? You know they had found a donor? They were rushing to get it to you but you'd slipped away before they could. You left this world before they were able to help you. Everyone cried that day. Even the doctor, which at first I thought was weird but then remembered how much of a fan he was. The whole world mourned for you… well at least the wrestling world did.
Slowly I stood up and took the short jump over the edge of the cliff. I felt the rush of air beneath me and I remembered the last thing you said to me…
"Keep living, live for the both of us Billy, live so the whole world knows I'm still here. I love you" I felt so guilty at that split second. Then I fell hard against the cold rocks and I was nothing. A man who was meant to live for both of us was now nothing. But I just wanted to be back in your arms, I just wanted to be with you again. The one I loved, the one called Torrie.