TITLE: Saying Goodbye
AUTHOR: Miki
EMAIL: miki@nmia.com
CATEGORY: Angst
SPOILERS: Children of the Gods, Forever in a Day
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 3
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: None
DISCLAIMER: All Stargate SG-1 characters are the property of Stargate SG-1 Productions (II) Inc., MGM Worldwide Television Productions Inc., Double Secret Productions, Gekko Film Corp and Showtime Networks Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to thank my beta readers (Sam, Arla, Maria, Caro, Seanchaidh and Adrianna Laura) for all the brainstorming sessions and hours of pouring over the story as I wrote it. I couldn't have done it without you.
DEDICATION: This one's for my dear friend Stephanie (1971-1995). I miss you so much.
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Saying Goodbye
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Another Friday night. The muted sounds of the thunderstorm raging outside filtered through the semi-darkness of Daniel Jackson's living room. The only light in the room sprang from three white candles, which illuminated his face as he sat in silence, sadly staring into the flames.
The memories which flooded him seemed like they occurred a lifetime ago, almost as if they had happened to someone else. In the past years his life had changed so much. Losing Sha'uri had shaken the foundations of his world. She had been his anchor, his lifeline.
His repeated encounters with the sarcophagus had left him cold. It had changed him. And he knew that the people around him noticed it. Gone was the Daniel Jackson who believed he was making a difference. Gone was the Daniel Jackson who needed to find the answers to all the questions he had ever asked.
He stared at one of the candles, thinking about his life. And for the first time he could remember, Daniel contemplated ending it all. He reached for the gun sitting on the couch cushion beside him, taking note of its cold, heavy presence in his hand. It would be so easy. So easy. Slowly he raised the gun to his temple and closed his eyes.
"Please, Daniel. Don't do this," said Sam in a strained voice. She closed the door and cautiously approached him. "Please."
He opened his eyes and looked sadly at Sam. Just as slowly as he raised it, he lowered the gun, keeping a loose grasp on it. "How do you live with it?" he whispered. "All the nightmares and the guilt."
Sam made it to his side and folded him in her arms before the first tear coursed down Daniel's face. The gun slipped out of his hand and Sam carefully put it on the floor and kicked it across the room. She held him tightly as he sobbed in her arms, murmuring words of comfort.
When the tears stopped and his breathing calmed, Daniel pulled back just enough to look up at Sam. The pain in his eyes broke her heart. "I don't want to live like this anymore."
Sam pulled him back into her arms and held him tightly. "Tell me what I can do. Tell me what you need. Just don't do this to me again, please, Daniel," she said, anguish and pain filling her voice.
"I can't eat… haven't kept anything down since Wednesday. I don't sleep. My dreams are haunted by Sha'uri's unrecognising stare… like she doesn't even know me. And every time I close my eyes there's something lingering in the shadows, waiting to tear at my sanity. Even when I'm not asleep, I see things that are waiting to grab me. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind."
"No, you're not. You've been through seven different kinds of hell these past couple of years. And in all that time, I've never really seen you let it go. This has been brewing for a very long time, eating at you."
"Why now?"
"You need to ask yourself that question, Daniel." Sam pushed him away a little so she could look into his eyes. She knew what had brought this all on and she knew that he needed to be the one to say the words.
"It's been two years. Two years today," he whispered. Daniel sniffled and wiped at his eyes. "She died two years ago today."
Sam pulled Daniel into a tight hug as deep sobs wracked his body. She gently rocked him, rubbing his back gently.
**********
Daniel's tears finally stopped. Sapped of all energy, he drifted into a fitful sleep in Sam's arms. She stretched her legs out beside his and made herself as comfortable as possible.
She gently brushed his hair away from his face, thanking every deity in the known universe that she had arrived in time. Sam closed her eyes briefly, remembering her panic when she had discovered the note Daniel had hidden on her desk.
**Flashback**
Sam walked down the corridor towards her office. She had just come from her post-mission physical and was looking forward to packing up and heading home for a three-day stand down.
She stepped into her office and groaned when she saw the mountain of paperwork on her desk that still needed to be conquered. Sam sat down and broke the pile down into two stacks: now and later. As she picked up the last handful of files an envelope with her name on it fell out, gracefully gliding to the floor.
Sam reached down and picked up the envelope. Recognising Daniel's handwriting, she decided to open it. She pulled the letter out and unfolded it. Settling back in her chair, Sam started reading.
Dear Samantha,
I'm so sorry. You've been through so much already. But you're stronger than I am. And I need you to understand. I need you to know how much your friendship and support have meant to me over the years.
This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror. I didn't recognise the face staring back at me. It's as if I've been detached from my own life. I go through the motions of living, yet everything is so surreal. I've watched you watch me and I know that you've come to realise that something isn't right. Sometimes your touch betrays your suspicions.
Sam's finger's convulsively clutched the letter as she realised what it was. She snatched up her keys and made record time up to the surface. She could not seem to get to her car fast enough.
**End Flashback**
Sam tightly closed her eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. In the last couple of years, Daniel had become very important to her. He brought an element of humanity to her life that the military had forced her to bury. He challenged her on an intellectual level, making her drudge up what little Latin and Greek she knew, bringing out a fascination for archaeology and culture in her she never knew she possessed.
Daniel moaned in his sleep, thrashing slightly against her. Sam gently ran her fingers through his hair. "It's okay, Daniel. I'm here," she whispered. "Go back to sleep."
"Sam?" he asked groggily.
"It's okay. Go back to sleep." She pressed a tender kiss to his forehead and caressed his back. "I'll be right here when you wake up."
Daniel settled back into her embrace, drifting off into slumber. Sam continued to gently rub his back. She closed her eyes and finally, the events of the afternoon having caught up with her, she allowed sleep to claim her.
**********
Sam frowned in her sleep as a bright light assaulted her senses. As she pulled herself up from the comforting depths of slumber, she realised that she had fallen asleep on Daniel's floor, holding him in her arms.
She looked at Daniel, still sleeping beside her, his head resting lightly against her shoulder. A stab of sadness surged through her at the thought of what could easily have happened the previous night. Not wanting to remind Daniel any more than necessary of what had occurred, she carefully extricated herself and set about putting away the candles.
In her cleaning efforts, Sam found the gun. She quickly released the magazine and put it in her back pocket. Sam bit back a cry of dismay as she pulled back the slide and a round ejected. "Oh Daniel," she whispered softly. "Why?"
She looked over towards the couch where he still slept on the floor. Even in sleep his face seemed troubled. She sighed softly as she finished cleaning the living room.
Sam crouched down next to him. "Daniel? Daniel?" she asked softly as she brushed his hair from his eyes. "Why don't we get you into your bed? You'll be more comfortable."
He blinked open his eyes, looking up into her concerned face. "Sam…" he whispered.
She smiled sadly at him. "I'm here, Daniel."
"I'm so sorry." His eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry, Sam."
She pulled him into her arms, holding him tightly. "Shhhh… it's okay. I'm going to help you get through this."
He clung to her. "I've been so selfish. Leaving that note for you was cruel. I'm so sorry I put you through that."
Sam rubbed his back. "I'm here for you. Let me help you."
"I know." He closed his eyes as he hugged her, holding her in a tight embrace. "I know. " Daniel sighed softly.
"Please tell me what you're feeling."
"Loved… cared for… like there's a reason to keep living."
"You are loved, Daniel. By all of us. You're our family… and I hope you think of us that way too."
"Did… did you read the whole letter I wrote?" he asked softly.
"No. I got maybe two paragraphs in before I realised… I came over here as soon as I figured out…" She sighed softly. "You scared me, Daniel. I thought you were really going to do it…"
"Scared myself…" he admitted softly. "I don't know why I did it. I just… Two years ago, Sha'uri was killed. I thought it was the end of my world. But you and Jack and Teal'c were there, helping me get through it. And in the end you pulled me back… made me want to go on. Last year we were too busy for this to hit me… but this year…"
"With us being on stand down you've had time to think about it. Why didn't you call me? I'm here for you day or night, rain or shine. I mean that. My shoulder and arms open to you any time."
"I… I don't know why I didn't call." He gently shifted position so that Sam was sitting beside him. He put his arms around her and sighed softly. "When we first met, you were like a sister to me. I felt comfortable with you immediately. We had that science thing going that we could drive Jack insane with. Then, as we started working together more and spending time together as a unit even when we were on stand down, I realised that you're one of my dearest friends. And you were there for me when Sha'uri died. You kept me together… helped me go on… made me realise that life was still worth living. And…" He broke off, voice full of emotion.
Sam put her arm around his waist and gave an encouraging squeeze. Daniel shifted so he could look into her eyes. "I fell in love… with you…" he said in a hushed whisper.
"Oh Daniel… why didn't you tell me?"
"I couldn't. I felt like I was betraying Sha'uri's memory."
She caressed his cheek, gently brushing away the tears that spilled down them. "She wouldn't want you to live an empty life. You need to remember her always… but she would want you to go on… be happy…"
"I'm happy when I'm with you."
Sam gently kissed his forehead. "I'm happy when I'm with you too, Daniel. Please, don't ever do this to me again. I'm here for you. If you need to talk or cry, please, come to me. Whatever you need, I'm here."
He closed his eyes and pulled her into another hug, holding her tightly. He soaked in her warmth and love for what felt like an eternity. "Sam…" he said softly.
"What is it?"
"I'm tired. So tired."
"Let's get you to your bed. The floor isn't exactly the most comfortable place to sleep." Sam helped him to his feet and put her arm around his waist as she walked him to the bedroom. She pulled back the covers on the bed and waited for him to lie down before tucking them around him. "You rest now. I'll be in the living room if you need me, okay?"
He caught her hand as she turned to leave. "Please stay. Just hold me. Please."
Sam kicked off her shoes and pulled off her uniform shirt and pants, leaving her clad in a fairly long T-shirt and panties. She climbed into bed beside him. "I'm here, Daniel."
He wrapped his arms around her and held her in a loose embrace. "Thank you…" he whispered as he drifted off.
She gently caressed his face, watching him sleep. "I love you, Daniel,"
she said softly before she too fell into a deep sleep.