Author's Note: This fic was inspired by a quote from 'Mortal Causes' by Ian Rankin: "Scotland had enough problems without sorting out Ireland's. They were like Siamese twins who'd refused the operation to separate them. Only one twin had been forced into a marriage with England, and the other was hooked on self-mutilation."

I'd been dating England for a few months before I finally convinced him to let me come round his house. He refuses to call it dating himself. He's really stubborn. I knew that anyway, but actually I've discovered a lot about England that I didn't know these past few months.

He really likes punk rock music, which I completely didn't expect. Sometimes he puts some on while we're making out. I'd always thought he'd listen to really British songs, like his national anthem. And he also gets some... Um, kink, from American things like my words or my clothes. Though he's put his flag, the Union Jack or whatever it's called, all over the walls of my bedroom. Wait, no I think it's something else when it's on a boat... He's tried teaching me, but it's all very hard to remember. I don't really care.

We arrived at the door to his house, but then he stopped outside and took me firmly by the shoulders.

"One thing I haven't told you yet." he said, "I have four older brothers."

"You whaaa?!" I jumped, startled. I had not been expecting this.

"If you'd ever looked at a MAP of me, you'd see that the United Kingdom is not just me. There's also Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. And the Republic of Ireland is another brother." I have to admit, it would be a lie if I said I had looked at a map of him before I entered that house. There wasn't really any getting away from it once I was actually in there, though; they had them everywhere.

"... Wait, this is one huge family. Don't you have that other brother? What's this name... Sealand?"

"DON'T MENTION THAT NAME IN THIS HOUSE! HE IS NOT A COUNTRY! HE NEVER WILL BE A COUNTRY! HE'S JUST SOME KID WHO WON'T STOP PRETENDING TO HIMSELF!" England screamed at me, then punched me in the face. Then he kissed me passionately. I don't think I'll ever get that.

England's older brothers aren't much like him. Scotland, the oldest, is loud and tries to be as un-English as possible, bitter about having been forced into a marriage with him. I'm still not sure about my feelings about that. I mean, if England and I ever... I mean, we're both against bigamy, so... I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Scotland wears this weird skirt that he insists isn't a skirt, and this gay bag over his crotch. Sometimes you can hear him playing the bagpipes. His favourite food is something really disgusting called "haggis". I much prefer it when England cooks. Scotland's birthday is the 30th of November.

The Republic of Ireland is better known as Patrick and is the second oldest. He used to live in the house too, but then he had a fight with England and now he lives in his own house. Northern Ireland, Seamus, is not much younger than him. Seamus broke away from England at the same time Patrick did, but then shortly afterwards he moved back in with England. Both of them are ginger. Apparently they can both see "leprechauns", stupid as they sound, on their National Day. Patrick's birthday is the 11th of July and Seamus's is the 7th of November.

Wales, the youngest other than England, is a lot like my own brother Canada in some respects. He is often forgotten or ignored. He doesn't really like having to live in England's house, but he doesn't do or say anything much about it. He just mutters things in Welsh behind England's back. Wales's birthday is March 1st.

Thinking about this, I realised I didn't actually know when England's birthday was. When I asked him he seemed angry that I didn't know, but then he was all into me again. I think he actually likes it when I don't know things. He told me it was April the 23rd and that it was in just over a month so I had to start thinking about what to give him.

While I was at England's house we spent a lot of time in his room because he didn't want to see his brothers. I think he didn't want them to get to know me too well. When we first went into his room he quickly took a couple of framed photographs and shoved them in a drawer. I looked at them while he was asleep one night though. They were of him and me when I was very small. We both look very happy. I decided I'd take him a more recent photo of the both of us very happy together.

A few days in Patrick dropped by. He had come to collect Seamus so they could celebrate St Patrick's Day at his house the next day, but then he decided to invite us all. I was really excited, because even I celebrate this day, even though I didn't know who Patrick and Seamus were before recently! I dye my Chicago River green every year and drink a lot. It's really fun. I celebrate this day even more than England does.

We all went out to a bar on St Patrick's Day. I thought England drank a lot, but I was really surprised at how much Guinness beer Patrick and Seamus had! But at least they could hold their liquor and only got a bit drunk. England got completely wasted and couldn't really stand up by the end of the night. He stripped right down and before we could stop him he was running around naked. Then he found me again and started trying to have very drunken sex with me. Okay, I won't deny it, it didn't take much for him to convince me to let him strip me down too. I only wish it hadn't been in the middle of the bar, with Patrick and Seamus watching and cheering him on, Scotland trying to block it out, and Wales staring into space, lost in a world of his own. I thank god there wasn't anyone else in the bar.

We had to stay at Patrick's house for the night, but the next morning England wouldn't leave the bedroom. He wouldn't let me open the door either. He hid under the covers as his brothers called through the door.

"Hey, Arthur!"

"Arthur, do you always do it like that? Haha!"

"What the hell do you think you were doing? If you insist on this marriage you might at least -"

"It's against the Catholic church to be homosexual, Arthur – oh wait, I forgot. You're Protestant."

That was another thing. The five of them never called each other by their proper names. In this house England was Arthur, Scotland was Lachlann, and Wales was Dwyryd. It was kind of confusing.

"- Arthur, you're going to have to come out at some time... After all, we've got to get back to your house..."

I decided to try and get them to leave him alone.

"England doesn't want to see anybody today. He's very hungover and you're giving him a headache. He'll come out when he feels better."

"That's funny," came Scotland's voice from behind the door, "he wants to see you."

"That's because I'm his hero!" I sang, but then England shouted,

"YOU ARE NOT MY HERO!!!" so I went and sat on a chair in the corner of the room. "I'm not ever coming out..." I heard him muttering from under the covers, "I can't believe I... In front of my brothers... Never again... Ohh, Seamus won't let this go, and neither will Lachlann... I just want to die... This is even worse than that time... And even worse than that time when... Urghhhhhh..."

In the afternoon though, he was back to his old self again. He took me in his arms and kissed me.

"You are my hero really." he whispered, and kissed me again. I think England was the best kisser I'd ever come across. Though I guess he is a lot older than me so he would have had time to practise.

The next time we just stayed at my house again. I had a big empty house with lots of privacy, definitely preferable over his small crowded house full of strange brothers.

Author's Note: Hope I didn't offend anyone with this. I especially apologise to any Scottish people, but I'm fairly sure this is how America would have described him. A point of interest for anyone who doesn't know: the flag of the UK is called the Union Flag while on land, and the Union Jack while on sea. I have no idea in hell which it would be on Sealand, as it must've been at some point. Would that have counted for land? I honestly don't know.