Circle
2008
Barney allows himself one moment of weakness, every time he's with her. One moment, because it's the only way he'll stay sane.
He allows himself to think loudly, as if telepathically sending her some sappy phrase he's heard on the radio. Just one sentence, to tell her how he feels.
"You make me feel alive," he thinks, while she laughs at something Lily says.
"You're the only one for me," he thinks, when she swaps a dirty joke with Marshall.
"I love you," he thinks, when she fist-bumps Ted.
He knows he can never, ever tell her how he feels.
*--*--*
2009
It's Christmas, and he allows himself this one moment of weakness, as a present to himself. One tiny moment when he can admit, amidst the strident, self-congratulatory bullshit, that he still loves Robin Scherbatsky. She's the only one who made him feel alive.
He thinks this once, telling himself it's the last time ever. But like that one final cigarette, he finds himself doing it again the next day, and the next.
Telling Robin Scherbatsky how he really feels, within the privacy of his own head.
He knows he can never, ever say it out loud, because he already did.