The Big Bang Theory
"The Expiration Malfunction"
SilverHawk92
10.31.12
1:00 AM
Happy Halloween!
- Alvin is Howard's long lost brother; a man whose demeanor is awkward. He would be portrayed by Paulo Costanzo. -
- Claire is a nurse; a kind woman with connections to Penny. She would be portrayed by Patricia Arquette. -x-x-x
(Leonard knocks four times on Penny's door. There is a three second pause before the door is opened...)
Penny (smiling): Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Penny, we need to talk. (enters apartment)
Penny (flustered): Oh, okay, uh...come on in. (closes the door and sits next to him on the couch)
Leonard: Look, we've been dating for almost five years now. And...Penny, I...I've been thinking, maybe it's time we, you know, settled down.
Penny: I am settled. You're the one all riled up. Wine?
Leonard: No, thanks. I just...I think...I mean, what I'm saying is...(pauses for two seconds)...Penny, I asked this once before and I didn't do it right and I'm sorry but...(kneels down, displaying a ring)...I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So I need to ask again. Will you marry me?
Penny: Wh-This again?
Leonard: Well, yes, but in my defense I'd never cheat on you. That's why I'm asking now.
(Penny cocks an eyebrow)
Leonard (inhaling): If you say no...we can't be together.
Penny: Seriously? You're going to throw away a smutty relationship because I won't marry you?
Leonard: You won't.
Penny: No. I-I can't. I'm not ready, and...
Leonard (getting up): And when you have kids, you don't want them to be short, geeky and lactose-interolant.
(4 second silence before Sheldon's infamous knock sounds on the other side of the door. Penny hurries to open it, eager to escape the tension; however it follows her right to the door...)
Sheldon (in the front of the line of the rest of the gang): I've got big news. (everyone bustles inside Penny's apartment. Looking frustrated, Penny wordlessly closes the door and sits beside Howard, who now sits beside Leonard. Sheldon approaches Raj, who sits on a chair near the kitchen) You're in my spot.
(Raj glares)
Sheldon: Move please.
Raj: Screw you and your damn spot. I sat here first.
Leonard (barely sparing him a glance): Raj...
Raj: No, you know what? I'm tired of playing this game with him. He's a grown man! (looks at Sheldon) I'm not moving, dude.
(2 second pause)
Sheldon (whisper): Fine. (looks around, all seats are taken)
Amy (standing): Take my seat.
Sheldon: Oh! Why, how very generous of you, Amy. (sits; and then stiffens as Amy promptly sits in his lap) Oh dear.
(Penny laughs)
Amy (flirtatiously): Now tell us the news. I'm...bursting with anticipation.
Sheldon (shakily trying to relax): Alright...(takes 3 seconds before giving up) Howard was designing an efficient state-of-the-art tank when he got the message, and he instantly PM'ed me. It seems he has a long-lost brother with whom we are to meet tomorrow.
(3 second pause)
Penny: What? Really?
Howard (trying to impersonate a gangster): This guy don't joke, babe, never.
Penny: Right...I tried to forget how alienated this planet's gotten.
Sheldon: That's kind of a strong thesis, considering Earth has been alienated since time began; but your premise is inarguable.
(Penny raises her eyebrows)
Amy (to Penny): Isn't he sexy?
(theme song plays)
Leonard (after Penny shows the others to the door): I can't believe Howard has a brother!
Penny: Is that really what you want to talk about?
Leonard (falteringly): No.
Penny: Look, Leonard, you're a sweet guy; and I'll never forget the times we had. But - look, I've been thinking awhile now, and I realized something about myself. I-I don't want a commitment. To anyone.
Leonard: So...you're going to - what? - sleep around?
Penny: No.
(Leonard waits expectantly)
Penny (handing Leonard a folded piece of paper): I had an audition for a movie called Rock Bottom. I got the part; I'm moving to Calgary. And science and show biz...They just don't mix.
Leonard: Oh...Well, congratulations!
Penny: Y-you're not mad?
Leonard: No, no...I mean, face it, I was going to break up with you anyway. I'm glad you got the part, way to go. (hugs her awkwardly)
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah. (releases her)
Penny: If you...ever...decide to watch Rock Bottom, just...keep in mind I'm an actress. It's all fake.
Leonard: I know.
Penny (softly): Okay.
Leonard: I'll...miss you.
Penny: Yeah, you too. (walks Leonard to the door. Leonard stops and hesitates for 3 seconds before turning to face her. They look at each other for 2 silent seconds before he kisses her cheek and leaves. Penny quietly closes the door. Scene fades into next; in which Leonard returns to his shared apartment with Sheldon. He is sitting in his spot, reading. He doesn't even flinch when Leonard closes the door; but he does speak...)
Sheldon: Oh, wonderful. Heavy feet, slamming doors, awkward silence - your girlfriend's moving.
Leonard: I didn't...slam it.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm lost in the wonderful vintage world of Star Trek and even though I can practically hear them speaking...(he glances up)...That door was louder than a thousand mines crashing into the Starship.
(Leonard stares wordlessly at him)
Sheldon (deadpan): Bazinga.
(3 second silence before Sheldon gives Leonard his eerie smile)
Leonard (deadpan): Amy's going with her.
Sheldon (jerking unsteadily to his feet): What?!
Leonard (deadpan): Bazinga.
Sheldon (after sighing dramatically): Don't do that!
Leonard: Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?
Sheldon: It felt like a prostate exam.
Leonard: This is so frustrating! I want to marry her, but I end up breaking up with her instead. (forcefully takes the paper from his pocket, crunches it up into a ball and chucks it into the wicker wastebasket. Then he sighs, realizing what he's done, and drops to his knees in front of the wastebasket) I wasn't even going to propose again! I was going to ask if she wanted to go steady with me, but it slipped out. And now, thanks to my big mouth, she's moving to Canada!
Sheldon (peering down at him): And this is a big deal?
Leonard (sitting on his knees emptyhanded): Well obviously.
Sheldon (as Leonard keeps digging through the contents): So throw her a goodbye party.
Leonard (peering up at him through the weaves): That's brilliant.
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
(Sheldon knocks on the Wolowitz' front door. Howard opens it without any yelling)
Howard (confused): It's nine-thirty in the morning. You never come here at nine-thirty in the morning.
Sheldon: I know; Leonard made me his messenger and the assignment with which he burdened me was to ask if your brother was interested in masquerading as someone who gave a damn about Leonard's relationship with Penny coming to a gruesome inevitable end and if he would be so inclined as to perhaps attend his going-away party and bring some rations.
Howard: And you couldn't have texted?
Sheldon: My cell phone is out of minutes.
Howard: Well then you could've phoned.
Sheldon: Nope, cable's down for repairs.
Howard: What happened to it?
Sheldon: One of the wires had a short in it.
Howard: I would've fixed it for free. I am an engineer.
Sheldon: Yes, but I needed a handyman.
Howard: It's similar to a handyman.
Sheldon: Don't flatter yourself.
Howard: You're kidding, right? I have a doctorate at thirty-three, I've gone up in space, I'm married to a sexy microbiologist - and you think calling myself a handyman would be a boost to my ego?
Sheldon: It wouldn't be surprising. Frankly if I wore my hair in such a duck-butt style; I'd want an ego boost as well.
Howard (sneering in mockery): Whatever. We'll bring the food.
Sheldon: Well then my job is done. (calls back to Howard as he walks away) Three hours, Leonard's and my apartment.
Howard (making Sheldon turn around): Three hours?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: I still have to pick him up at the airport!
Sheldon: He should've chosen an earlier flight.
Howard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Oh, alright, I'll see if they're okay to wait another hour.
Howard (sarcastically): Oh, good, another hour! That's sure to help!
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard (sarcastically): Of course it isn't.
Sheldon: Alright then. (turns to walk away)
Howard: Sheldon, I was kidding.
Sheldon (turning to face him): You boggle my mind, Wolowitz. You deride me constantly for not laughing at your humorless jokes; yet you would take instant offense if I were to inform you of your incapability to stop making them.
Howard: What can I say, I'm the funny man. The...comedian of the group.
Sheldon: Yes. Yes, I can fully believe, Howard, that everybody laughs at you. (leaves)
Howard (reaching for the doorknob): Son of a mother - (door closes)
(commercial break would be here)
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
(There are four brief knocks on Penny's door, following which is a brief silence before she opens it)
Leonard (staring instantly past Penny's shoulder): Wow, I didn't realize your apartment was as big as mine.
Penny (laughing, walking to a box marked BEDROOM): Oh, come on, Leonard, it's not like I'm a pack rat.
Leonard: Not anymore, now you're...a...box dog.
(Penny keeps laughing)
Leonard: So - listen, I was thinking maybe you could...swing by my place and...y'know, have a keepsake of mine. Y'know, to...remember me.
Penny: It'll be kind of hard to forget the man who proposed to me twice.
Leonard: Will you try to forget?
Penny (quickly): No! (calms voice) Um, sure, I'll come by.
Leonard: Okay, great! Okay, that is...so great. (awkward pause) Do you need some help packing?
Penny (dropping a book into a box): No, I think that's everything, thanks.
(Awkward four-second silence)
Leonard (nervously, heading for the door): Okay, so - see ya.
Penny: Yep.
(door closes; next scene shows Leonard hastily heading for the apartment he shares with Sheldon; and as he stops in front of the keys, Sheldon is seen walking up the stairs)
Leonard: Hey.
(The two roommates enter their apartment. Leonard walks ahead while Sheldon locks up)
Leonard: Okay, I suppose there's nothing left to do but set up for the party.
Sheldon: Yes, and we have three glorious hours. I'd best be savoring them. (turns on the stereo and the Star Trek Voyager theme fills the air. Leonard drags a chair into the kitchen, rips open a box of streamers, and stands on the chair. Sheldon, looking severely troubled, gives the evil eye to a packet of balloons, and then picks it up. Before he can do anything, there is an uncountable, steady explosion of hurried knocks on the door)
Leonard (hopping off the chair): Oh, good, something less strenuous.
(Sheldon barks a short, insincere laugh as Leonard opens the door)
Leonard (taking in a bloody sight): Raj! What happened?
Raj (frantically): I-I don't know! But I really need to use the shower.
Leonard: Yeah, go. (as Raj bursts past him, grabs a beer from the fridge, and hurries for the bathroom; Leonard begins closing the door but Priya's appearance startles him, as she is bent over, sweating, breathless and packing a gun) What the hell are you doing! You can't pack heat in here!
Priya: Now's not the time for lectures.
Leonard: What're you saying?
Priya: I'm saying, there's some kind of weird epidemic going on and this is what saved him from it.
Leonard: Him being Raj?
Priya: Yes.
Leonard: Okay, but...God damn it, hide that thing.
Penny (coming outside of her apartment): What's going on? (takes sight of Priya's gun) Ohh shit.
Priya: Relax, waitress, I practice law. I know how to use a gun, and I won't hesitate.
Penny: Yeah, that's what makes me question your humanity.
Priya: Humanity doesn't have anything to do with it! Not anymore - not with what I saw. (lifts up shirt; revealing a belt with seven guns hanging off it) I took as many as I could. You all get one. Fully loaded. Turn off the safety and keep your eyes open.
Penny: What're you talking about?
(2 second pause)
Priya: I don't know.
(next scene shows Penny handling her gun with an evil smile. Beside her, Sheldon is holding his gun with two hands as if it contains poison)
Sheldon: Oh, why oh why am I constantly subjected to folly?
Leonard (taking out his phone): I better call Howard.
Penny (observing the kitchen): What's with the decorations?
Leonard (turning red in the face): We were trying to set up a going-away party for you. But the...roof is too high for me to do streamers...
Penny (squeezing Sheldon's arm): Oh...It's really the thought that counts.
Priya: On the plus side, at least the streamers cover up the paint chip over the sink.
(Leonard finishes dialing and holds the phone to his ear. A scary recording of Jack Nicholson's laugh from Anger Management floats eerily up the stairwell. After almost twenty seconds of the gang, listening to the heartfelt laugh in silence and trying to remain serious; Howard rounds the corner, entering the apartment as the quote, "I'm wettin' my jockeys here", sounds from his pocket. Closely following Howard are Bernadette, Amy; and a fellow nerd)
Howard (as the laugh ringtone fades): Everyone, this is my brother Alvin.
Everyone: Hello Alvin.
Alvin: Oh, surround sound! (pauses awkwardly) Um, forgive me, what I meant to say was - uh - hello.
Leonard (quietly, to Howard): Why didn't you answer? It was important.
Howard: About the zombies? Yeah, I kind of figured it would be. Plus I wanted to hear the ringtone.
Leonard: Hmm...Yeah, I get that.
(both laugh)
Penny (pulling Leonard aside): Screw the party, screw Calgary. Clearly I'm not going anywhere.
Leonard: Don't give up on your dream! It's probably a...a cruel joke! (Penny stares) Or...or a nightmare.
Penny: Leonard, when a woman who practices law shows up with guns lacing her belt, the joke's over. And I have a bad feeling that we're all awake. (she walks past him)
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny: I never thought I'd be happy to hear that.
Amy: I hope I'm not intruding on anything if I borrow you for five minutes.
Penny (suspiciously): What exactly are we doing?
Amy: Talking. In private.
Penny: Okay, um...Let's go to Leonard's room.
(Amy follows Penny down the hall. Next scene shows Penny closing the door while Amy sits on Leonard's bed)
Amy: I'm very uncomfortable in here.
Penny: I would've said Sheldon's room; but he wouldn't even like you being in there. (sits on Amy's bed) So what's up? You're not, like, coming out of the closet, are you?
Amy: No, nothing like that. But it is a confession.
(awkward 3 second pause)
Amy: Well, in the movies, a zombie is a shell of a person that once functioned like we do. Its brain is mostly mush and all it knows is hunger. It's a disease in the brain. (Penny nods) And...well, I'm a neurobiologist. I work with brains.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, don't worry; no one's going to judge you. Certainly no one with a gun.
Amy: But those who do judge me will be right. I...I created the virus. It was all one big accident and I don't know how it happened. But when my patient came back to life I panicked! I pulled the fire alarm and everyone vacated the building. But I didn't tell anyone until now. And...Penny, this is my fault.
Penny: So what you're saying is, that one zombie got out and...created more.
Amy: Yes.
Penny: Because of you.
Amy: Yes.
(Penny sits silently for three seconds. Then she gets up, takes three steps toward the door, and stops in her tracks; turning around at the sound of Amy's voice)
Amy: I know you're mad, I don't blame you! But don't hate me.
Penny: This could mean the death of every person on the planet, Amy!
(There is a four second silence, during which Penny holds her gun at the ready, before she finally turns and leaves the room; slamming the door shut in her departure; leaving Amy to sit alone on the bed. Next scene shows Penny hurrying down the hall and into the area where kitchen meets living room. She blindly bumps into Sheldon, who looks at her in surprise)
Sheldon: Something troubling you?
Penny: Your girlfriend. Boy, can you pick 'em!
Sheldon (giving a smile that almost looks normal on him): I can, can't I?
Leonard: What's wrong with Amy?
Penny: These stupid flesh-eaters are because of her!
Leonard: What? That's ridiculous.
Sheldon: It is, and I do not appreciate you gossiping about my girlfriend.
(Leonard, Howard and Penny stare at the man who looks patronizingly at Penny. At that moment, Raj exits the bathroom. His clothes are clean, his hair wet; and he still holds the bottle of beer)
Raj: Oh no, what happened?
Penny (looking from Sheldon to Raj): Why don't you start?
Raj (flirtatiously): What would you like to know?
Penny (rolling her eyes): The details of the attack. You had your shower, you have your beer, so talk to me.
Raj (looking overwhelmed, as he sits down on the single chair facing the door): Well, not much to say really. Priya had been dragging me all over town looking for Halloween decorations. (looks helplessly at Priya)
Priya: A cop texted me and told me to come into the police department. But he'd been turned by the time we got there. So I shot him and we stole some guns and ammunition. Not all of it. Enough.
Sheldon: Where were all the other cops?
Raj: Turned.
Priya: That's right. We locked them inside and came here.
Raj: Too bad it wasn't as easy as it sounds.
Bernadette: Not that it's of any consolation, but dealing with death never is.
Howard: When does the phrase 'dealing with death' sound easy?
Bernadette: Sorry. I just...can't believe it.
Penny (staring aggressively down the hall): Neither can I.
Howard: Yeah, well, maybe it's different for a scientist - for a guy who actually has a better future other than one with pockets filled with puke.
Penny: You don't need to be rude.
Howard: My mother was bitten an hour ago. If she isn't dying, she's already dead. So I'm really not the one being rude here. (shifts his weight as Penny looks quietly down at her feet) Now if you'll excuse me, I believe there's a neurobiologist I need to question.
Sheldon: I'm coming too!
Howard (sincerely): Oh...oh, good. Thank you.
Sheldon: Don't get cocky, I don't have a side yet. (they walk down the hall together)
Penny (to Leonard): How do you live with him?
Leonard: Believe it or not, it was the knowledge of being able to escape into a more sane world that kept me going. (sighs; then follows Sheldon and Howard down the hall as Penny puts a hand over her heart, staring after him. Howard comes back down the hall, brushing past Sheldon and Leonard without so much as a glance at them)
Bernadette: You okay?
Penny (looks at her; does a double-take and then looks back down the hall; then sighs and looks back at Bernadette): No.
(The heavy silence that follows is interrupted by an odd sound. Everyone looks over at Alvin, who is busily blowing up the balloons. Penny's eyes flit to the streamers; which have been arranged properly, stringing from one corner of the wall to the other; completing a full circle around the kitchen. Penny slowly begins to smile as Howard, peering over her left shoulder at a distance, instensely studies her)
(next scene shows Leonard sitting next to Amy; with Sheldon standing stiffly near the door)
Amy: I didn't ask you to come in, you know. Neither of you are obligated to stay.
Leonard: Why are you staying?
(Amy looks at him, her expression unchanging)
Leonard (quickly): Not that I'm complaining...It's just my room. And...you.
Amy: I'm aware. But you have to understand that the world out there is not the same. And I made it that way.
Sheldon: I'd been hoping Penny had been attempting to mislead us from her own obvious faults.
Leonard: Sheldon, I didn't speak badly about your girlfriend; and I don't want you speaking badly about mine.
Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her.
Leonard: I don't know anymore what we did.
Amy: Does it matter whether or not you broke up? I would think you'd stand up for someone you cared for, whether she's a romantic interest or not.
(3 second pause)
Sheldon: "For whom you cared".
Amy: Bite me.
Sheldon: I'd rather not.
Amy: Leave.
Sheldon: Wha-Now? With the dead risers polluting the streets?
Leonard: I'm pretty sure she just meant this room, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It's not her room, she doesn't get to say that.
Leonard: Leave.
(Sheldon leaves the bedroom; Leonard follows)
Penny (as Leonard approaches her): Wow, she didn't follow Sheldon like a trained monkey?
Leonard: Monkeys are intelligent, they take little training.
Penny: That's beside the point.
Alvin (passing by with fresh streamers): Seriously, did you just tell him what your point was not? Why not just cut to the chase and get to the point?
Sheldon (to Alvin): Are you damaged?
Howard: Sheldon, that's not nice.
Sheldon: It wasn't my intention to be. Ergo, I got to the point - oh, good Lord, now I'm doing it! (glares briefly at Alvin before walking past him into the kitchen)
Bernadette: Um, I think we have a problem!
Penny: What is it now? (joins Bernadette at the window) Oh God.
(next scene shows an over-the-shoulder angle, to display a horde of zombies overrunning the streets)
Sheldon (getting hysterical): W-we need to barricade the door!
Penny: That's not an option. We can't just let these things live! They'll never stop biting.
Sheldon: Well, we can't fight these things. Who knows how many there are?
(2 second pause)
Penny: And you call yourself a Texan.
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
(Penny is leaning out the open window of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment; picking off zombies in the street. Leonard is to her right, also shooting zombies; but less, and in more time)
Leonard: You're really good at this!
Penny (concentrating): Mmm.
Leonard: Uh, so, I think science and show biz mix pretty well now, don't you?
Penny: If it were show biz, it would've made the news. This ain't even science.
Leonard: So what would you call it?
Penny: Neurobiology.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you don't actually mean what you're implying...
Penny: Don't judge me, I'll beat your ass.
Leonard: And still, I rest my case.
Penny: I mean it. I mean all of it. (awkward pause) Oh no. (looks over her right shoulder) Sheldon?
Sheldon (approaching): Yes?
(Penny moves aside and Sheldon squeezes in between her and Leonard; who both look up at Sheldon expectantly as his face contorts)
Sheldon: Meemaw!
Alvin (singing from behind): Livin' dead girl...!
Sheldon: Don't do that.
(Alvin looks at him with an innocent confusion)
("Livin' Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie plays as the next scene shows Alvin, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Leonard, Penny, Priya, Raj, and Sheldon running down the street; shooting zombies in their heads. The song plays the seventh stanza, followed by the last three verses; before the music fades out)
Penny: Bernadette, you've got one comin' up behind you!
Bernadette (turns to shoot, but has run out of ammunition): I'm gonna die!
(Howard shoots both down and quickly reloads Bernadette's gun. They continue without giving or demanding thanks)
Sheldon (panicked as a zombie comes within two feet of him): Oh God! (shoots her; then looks ahead with an utterly evil expression) Die, riser, die!
Leonard: Again! (shoots)
(5 second pause)
Penny: Is that it?
Bernadette: I-I don't see any more...
Priya: Never let your guard down. And it's not a good idea to wander off, either.
Penny: Who died and made you in charge?
(Everyone stares)
Penny (clearing throat): Okay. Sorry.
Priya: I'm a cop. And if you think you can assume the job without problems; I'll gladly hand the position over to a waitress.
(silence)
Priya: No?
Penny (emotionless): Go ahead.
Sheldon: Now, hold on, why can't the both of you lead the rest of us?
Amy: Sheldon...
Sheldon: I can't speak for the others; but I'm tired of listening to you two carry on about which of you is better.
Amy: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Because frankly, neither of you seem to be good at anything.
Amy: SHELDON!
(Sheldon looks)
Amy: Don't leave out the part where the waitress had the nerve to insult a neurobiologist. The downright nerve - when I actually didn't need to go to community college.
Howard: I thought you guys were besties.
Penny: Well, if she truly feels that way...(pushes gun into Amy's hands)...Then she would have no trouble shooting me in the head.
Amy: What?
Penny: Go ahead. Kill the waitress.
Priya: Yeah, what's taking you so long?
(2 second pause before a weird noise distracts them from the quarrel. A child zombie is walking stiffly toward them)
Sheldon: Child riser! Shoot it!
Bernadette (closest to the zombie): A kid? No - I can't!
Sheldon: She's already dead, you're not going to offend her.
(Bernadette freezes as the zombie gets closer. Finally, just as the zombie is close enough to scratch her; Bernadette unfreezes and shoots her in the head)
Alvin: You know, this journey would be much safer if the gunmen were being driven.
Bernadette (in tears): I'll drive!
(commercial break would be here)
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
(The nine friends have stolen a school's mini-bus. Alvin has taken the furthest left window of the right side; with Priya behind him. Penny has taken the closest right window; with Leonard behind her. Raj and Sheldon have taken the windows at the back of the bus; Howard stands to Penny's right, standing directly behind the driver's seat; which is claimed by Bernadette. Amy stands to Sheldon's left. Bernadette concentrates on driving; while the other eight focus on shooting zombies they pass)
Bernadette: I'm so glad the last driver here was a midget.
Amy: There's something you don't hear every day.
Sheldon: I've never heard it.
(Alvin is laughing like a maniac; and Sheldon, Amy and Howard both stare at him with identical looks of discontent)
Amy (looking briefly at him before whispering to Sheldon): I hope he has a good diaper on.
Sheldon: Or a solid dairy diet.
Penny (calling over to him): What's funny?
Alvin (hysterical): I don't remember.
(Sheldon raises both brows; looking at Penny in sheer displeasure)
Raj (to Leonard, making him break concentration): You're quiet.
(No answer)
Raj: You aren't infected, are you?
Leonard (lowering gun): No.
Raj (making Leonard finally look at him): Well, you're acting dead.
Leonard (after a brief pause): Now's not the time, Raj. (focuses on shooting again)
(Raj hesitates before refocusing on shooting as well)
Penny (stumbling slightly as Bernadette swerves and is heard making a small "Whee" noise): Anybody keeping count of these things?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Not me.
Sheldon: I am!
Penny: Good man, how many so far?
Sheldon: I've gotten eight - Alvin two, Raj twelve, Leonard ten, Amy fifteen, Priya twenty, Howard nine, Bernadette one - and you, thirty-seven.
Howard: Damn!
Sheldon: The total of kills is one hundred fourteen.
Alvin: That's a lot of re-kills.
Penny: Thank you Sheldon. And FYI? (pauses) Make it a hundred seventeen. (shoots three times)
Priya: Save some for us!
Penny: Shoot faster.
Bernadette: And none for me, thanks!
Sheldon (quietly, to self): And that's forty for Penny.
Amy (same tone of voice, to Sheldon): And you called me a vixen.
(2 second pause)
Howard (calling over to Sheldon): Hundred eighteen.
Penny (snapping at Howard): Nineteen!
Howard: Hundred nineteen.
(Amy looks at Sheldon and he shakes his head)
Bernadette: 'Kay, I'm taking a small detour through the woods! Penny!
Penny: Yeah, what?
Bernadette: Aim!
(Penny laughs, aiming)
Amy: We contribute!
Bernadette: Yeah, good. (takes detour; bus lurches wildly)
Howard: You know, I'm not as surprised as everybody else. When you beat Leonard at chess...when you got addicted to Age Of Conan and kicked ass...I hate to admit it, but maybe you're more strategic than we are.
Penny: There's doubt?
(both laugh)
Alvin (somewhat loudly): My bad!
Raj: What is?
Alvin: I missed a zombie - but I got a squirrel.
Bernadette: I'll compensate! (runs a zombie over)
Alvin (peering out the window): Hey, that was my teacher!
Bernadette: Tell him school's out!
Alvin (raising left arm in a stiff wave): School's out, sir!
Sheldon (quietly, to Amy): He's damaged.
Amy: SO damaged.
(Bernadette is seen in the rearview mirror, rolling her eyes)
Leonard: Eleven for me...Dead cannibal, nothing. (looks over at Amy) I thought you said you were contributing!
Amy (emotionless): My bad. (turns to face window and aims)
(Bus lurches and then stops)
Bernadette: Uh-oh.
Leonard: What? (breaks concentration and looks at Bernadette)
Bernadette: I'm out of gas.
Sheldon: Here? Now?
Raj: Obviously.
Bernadette: Amy, Priya...Penny...
Amy: That's not a good idea.
Penny: Not a good idea? It's INSANE!
Bernadette: There's not much choice!
Sheldon: I agree.
Penny: I...really don't want to go anywhere with either of them.
Bernadette (approaching): Well, the world is crawling with death so you listen to me - you're either walking with them out there or sitting with them in here. THAT'S your choice.
Penny: Ugh, fine. Y'know, I don't know why you're a waitress, if that's your version of people skills.
Bernadette: My version is no worse than yours, now haul ass.
(Penny, Amy and Priya grab extra ammo and leave)
Howard: You're one naughty little Catholic.
Bernadette: I'm sorry you had to see that.
Howard: Are you kidding? Just save some of that for me, huh?
(Bernadette smiles)
Sheldon (surprising everyone): That's my girlfriend, damn it, I'm out. (leaves bus, carrying gun)
Raj (looking at Leonard): See, all the creepy nerds are gone. Is now the time?
Leonard (looking first at Howard, then at Raj): I proposed again.
Howard: Get out, you serious?
Leonard: Dead serious!
(Alvin looks at him in bewilderment; and Leonard cringes)
Leonard: Oh, um...no. Yes. See - she said she didn't want to be married to someone if she had to travel anyway. And if I work at a lab and she's a famous actress, then we'll never be alone, or at least not for an uninterrupted given amount of time...and then the world started "crawling with death" so she's staying - but now we aren't even seeing each other anymore.
(3 second pause)
Howard: I have some advice.
Leonard: I'm listening.
Howard: Don't propose a third time. In the long run, if you don't die of old age or a natural disaster; then you'll get infected, die and become one of them. Save yourself the stress.
Leonard: But it's killing me!
(awkward pause)
Howard: You need to lay off the bad metaphors.
Leonard (hastily): I'll lay off when I...when I get...laid. (stands, takes three steps, then sits where he had been sitting and puts his head in his hands)
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
(Amy shoots two zombies before following Priya, Penny, and Sheldon into the gas station)
Sheldon (as Amy catches up to him): You're doing even better than before, Amy.
Amy: Thanks for sucking up.
Sheldon: I am doing no such thing! But I do find it necessary to point out to you that the man in a relationship protects the woman - not the other way around.
Amy: You're giving me too much credit. I am simply slower than you are.
Sheldon: Invalid - in times like these the body is given additional amounts of adrenaline, making you stronger and or faster.
Amy: Adrenaline has nothing to do with it. I'm getting worn down. I haven't consumed rations or fluids for twenty-seven hours, nor have I had a shower or something to sit on, excluding a bus seat for no more than thirty minutes. I've simply been firing a gun and walking the rest of the time.
Sheldon: We're all suffering that way.
Amy: Fine, I'm protecting you. So sue me.
Sheldon: Do you have any money?
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I cannot sue an impoverished person.
Amy: It's an expression.
Sheldon: Much like sarcasm?
Amy: Not at all.
(Gunfire from up ahead stops the group. After seven rounds, a blond woman dressed in a ragged candy striper uniform runs around the corner and slows to a jog when she sees the group)
Claire: Penny!
Penny (taking a few steps forward): Hey, Claire! Why don't you come with us? We could use the extra help.
Sheldon: Plus in a world as demented as ours; it's never a bad idea to have a nurse in the crowd.
Claire: Oh...Oh, I couldn't impose.
Penny: It's no imposition; you are invited.
Amy/Sheldon: Agreed.
Claire: Oh - okay! Thanks! So what're you doing here?
Priya: Our bus broke down in the woods; we're getting gas.
Claire: The woods? There isn't a forest around here.
Amy: It's half a mile out.
Claire: Oh damn. Okay. Well, good thing I drove here.
(Amy and Sheldon smile at one another while Penny smiles silently and Priya bows her head)
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
Claire: Be careful with your guns, it's going to be a tight fit.
Penny (faintly): Four seats.
Sheldon: Nothing wrong with that. (looks at Amy) Well, are you going to sit on me, or is Penny?
Amy: I am, I am. (sits on his lap and closes the passenger door)
Penny (taking one of the backseats): Works out well for everyone.
(Claire laughs as Priya sits beside Penny. Once all the doors are closed, she begins to drive)
Amy: I can't buckle both of us up.
(2 second pause before Sheldon wraps his arms around her waist)
Amy (amazed): Sheldon. You're spoiling me.
(Sheldon just looks at her)
Amy: Would you do this if we were safe at home?
Sheldon: Oh, I can't see it happening.
(Amy looks at Penny, who smiles. After giving Penny a quick wink; she kisses Sheldon. Priya quickly looks out the window while Penny takes out her cell phone and snaps a picture. Amy pulls away then and looks expectantly at Sheldon)
Sheldon: Okay then.
Amy: God bless the zombies.
(Sheldon barks his short, insincere laugh)
Priya: Don't mind them, Claire; they're always that scary.
Claire: The living doesn't scare me anymore.
Sheldon: I call them 'risers'.
Claire: Huh...I like that.
Sheldon: The mother of my roomate's friend was bitten.
Claire: Oh...I'm so sorry.
Sheldon: That does me no good.
Penny (leaning forward): Seriously, you don't consider Howard your friend?
Sheldon: I have physics and a perfect understanding of it all. What is there to consider?
(Penny's voicemail ringtone on her cell phone goes off and she opens her phone to read it; then nods at Priya)
Priya (innocently): Who is it?
Penny (innocently): It's, um, Leonard. Says he's getting worried.
Priya: Well, text him; tell him not to! You idiot.
Penny: Don't give me lip - unless you want a fat one.
(Penny texts; then Priya's cell phone rings. Priya reads her mail, then gapes at Penny)
Penny: And who's that?
Priya: M-my brother. (pretends to text as Penny puts her phone away; and after awhile Priya puts hers away. She shares another secretive look with Penny before she looks ahead to Amy, who is busy talking to Sheldon)
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
Leonard (waking everyone up): They're back!
Bernadette: They made it?
Leonard: They weren't walking! Check it out, they're with some woman!
Raj: I like where this is going.
Alvin (joining them at the window): Mother!
Raj: Whoa, wait, what?
(next scene shows Claire unbuckling as Amy and Sheldon disentangle themselves)
Penny: We'll be right in.
Priya: Yeah, don't wait up. And tell Bernadette not to drive off!
(The driver's side door and the passenger side door shut; and Penny and Priya watch as two figures disappear within the mini-bus, while the other fills up the gas tank and goes to the back of the car momentarily before following the first two figures into the bus, carrying something)
Priya: Amy really told you herself?
Penny: Yep.
Priya: Well if she caused all this, surely she can cure it.
Penny: It's a little late for Pasadena...
Priya: Yes, but think of how big the world is. Surely there are others.
(Penny looks at her)
(next scene is within the bus)
Claire (holding the cooler she'd retrieved from the trunk): Okay, I have some news -
Alvin: Mother!
Claire: Alvin! Oh, thank goodness! (they hug) I was just about to stop hoping.
Bernadette: Where is everyone?
Leonard: Oh God, no, don't say it! They're bitten; they're dead, or they're dying. Don't say it!
Claire: I...wasn't going to...Not like you...
(Leonard looks up expectantly)
Claire: They just wanted me to tell Bernadette...(she looks immediately at Bernadette)...not to drive off without them.
Bernadette: Where are they?
Claire: Probably hunched over in a bush somewhere. The gas station didn't have any washrooms.
Sheldon: Ironic, is it not?
(Amy smiles)
(Bernadette, startling everyone on the bus, turns suddenly and pushes the button to open the front door of the bus. Penny and Priya amble quickly inside and Bernadette shuts the door. Two seconds later, a zombie presses against the glass. Howard walks up to the window, opens, and slides the tip of his gun onto the zombie's head before shooting)
Penny: That was way too close.
Priya: You ready to travel some more?
Leonard: After seeing that freak, definitely!
Alvin (singing, as Bernadette happily sits in the driver's seat): On the road again...
(His muffled singing continues in the background as Sheldon and Amy assume their positions at the back of the bus; pointing their guns outside the windows, as does everyone else when they resume their earlier positions. Leonard looks over his shoulder just in time to see Sheldon's arm go around Amy as she leans into him)
Leonard: About bloody time.
Penny: Hah, that's nothing. (shows him the picture)
Leonard: Ew.
Claire: Well, do I make myself useful, or do I get an introduction? (looks at Raj) Hi, I'm Claire.
(Raj taps Sheldon on the arm; then urgently taps his empty beer bottle)
Sheldon: His name is Raj. He can't speak to women unless he's drunk or buzzed.
Claire: Well, that's an easy fix. (sets cooler down and opens the lid; Raj leans in with interest) I've got Chardonnay, Syrah, Sauvignon Blanc, Merlot, brown ale, mild ale, old ale, and pale ale. Take your pick, five of each.
Penny: Really? How does such a little cooler hold forty alcoholic beverages?
Sheldon: When you arrange something correctly, Penny, it is possible to have an increased capacity. Of course it is just a matter of making it all fit.
Claire: No, see, that's not the case with me.
Sheldon: So then how would you describe it?
Claire: "Desperate times call for desperate measures".
Raj: Amen!
(Everyone who isn't driving looks at him with various expressions)
Alvin (to Claire, after a brief silence): So what is your email address?
Claire: Seriously, you think you'll sit at a computer and write to me with all this going on?
Alvin: It never hurts to hope.
Claire (as Alvin pulls out a piece of paper and a pen): You can't be serious!
Alvin: Okay, then how about I give you mine? (offers her pen and paper)
Claire: Alvin, much as I would like to sit down with a cup of coffee and read a letter from you, I just don't think it'll happen. And what's the logic in hoping?
Alvin: Alright. I suppose if we get split up and find separate sanctuaries in fully furnished houses, and we have the option to contact one another but neglect to do so; there is no reason to assume the worst, either.
Claire: Okay, fine. The letter E, the letter Z...(pauses as Alvin writes)...the number 2, hyphen, the number 4...G-E-T.
Alvin: At what?
Claire: .
(Alvin shows her the piece of paper)
Claire: Yeah, that's it. I just think it's nuts to be thinking about emails at a time like this.
Alvin: You have no way of knowing whether or not we could be separated - and when it would happen if it did.
Howard: Ain't that the truth.
Sheldon (to Alvin, making him meet his eyes): I changed my mind. You're not damaged at all.
Penny: Not like this bitch! (fires gun out window, laughs)
Claire (to Alvin): Did you want their email addresses too? I mean what if the entire group gets separated? That's just as possible as anything else.
Alvin: No offense, Mother, but after seeing the dead try to eat me when their mind should be as decayed as the rest of them...I think anything is possible.
Claire (seriously): Oh that's a good point.
Amy: Listen to me, the emails would be a good idea if we had a second to spare. But we don't.
Sheldon: So what do you propose?
Amy: Walkie-talkies.
(Alvin and Sheldon stare in twin looks of blank stoneresque confusion)
Amy: Two-way radios?
(no answer)
Amy: Baby monitors.
Alvin: Oh, of course.
Sheldon: Right!
Amy (ruefully): Oh, Sheldon. I always considered you special; but now everyone knows it.
(Sheldon looks at Alvin, who looks back at him; but both are clueless)
(commercial break would be here)
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)
Bernadette: Oh my goodness!
(Howard, Raj, Penny and Alvin crowd together near Bernadette and everyone else peers around the windows on one side of the bus, as Bernadette drives it up to a giant building. Its doors and windows are all boarded off. A military tank is parked right beside a ladder and a military helicopter is parked on the roof. One soldier is shooting zombies, while another soldier is getting out of the tank and the third soldier is already climbing up the ladder. The gunman finishes off the zombies and proceeds to point out Bernadette's bus)
Raj: I hope this is a good thing.
(The gunman and the soldier just out of the tank hop to the ground and run to the bus, weapons aimed. They wait at the bus door)
Claire: Allow me.
Bernadette: Don't ask permission, just go.
(Bernadette opens the bus door for Claire, who steps outside. After a brief conversation; Claire pokes her head back inside the bus)
Claire: We're in.
(next scene shows that Claire, Alvin, Priya, Penny, Sheldon, and three soldiers have formed a brigade and are passing ammo, weapons and of course the cooler toward the building. Howard, Bernadette, Amy, Leonard, Raj, and some other soldiers are standing on the tank; continuing the brigade onto the roof, where the soldiers carry the goods down the ladder that leads into and out of the building. Finally, when the bus is empty; Claire, Alvin, Priya, Penny, Sheldon and the three soldiers climb onto the tank to go inside. However, Claire hesitates before she climbs onto the tank. She looks down in surprise)
Alvin (peering down): Mama!
Claire (after whipping out a pocket knife and stabbing the zombie in her right temple): It's alright, dear, don't worry. Look. (pulls up the pant leg the zombie had chewed on to reveal a prosthetic leg)
Alvin: Oh...oh, good. (helps her up onto the tank) That was scary.
Claire (motioning Alvin up the ladder): I almost didn't notice. (climbs up after him)
(next scene is inside the building, where all are safe)
Sheldon: Howard.
(Howard looks at him)
Sheldon: We're with these men now. It's not too late to change your profession. (walks past him, leaving him to suffer in silent rage)
Leonard (approaching her): Penny, look, I'm real sorry. This...this mess wasn't supposed to happen during the party.
Penny (smiling): I know.
Leonard: Good. So...where does this leave us?
Penny: Well...where do you want it to leave us?
Leonard: What?
Penny: You decide. After what happened today, I'm ready for anything.
(2 second pause)
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, absolutely.
(3 second pause)
Leonard: You know where I stand.
Penny: I do.
Leonard: Good. That's good, because I didn't know how much more of this being single I could take; and the not knowing -
Penny: Leonard.
(Leonard looks at her)
Penny: I do.
(no response)
Penny (exasperated): I do, Leonard!
Leonard (cluing in): Oh!
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Will you marry me?
Penny: Yes.
(They kiss; and the audience, which had been completely silent before, begins clapping; then falls back into complete silence)
(next scene shows that Penny and Leonard are in a queen-sized bunk bed; except there is no bed beneath the one on top. The beds following them in a line are identical; each one occupied - Sheldon and Amy in the second; Bernadette and Howard in the third; Raj and Priya in the fourth; Alvin and Claire in the fifth; and then the rest are all occupied by military soldiers)
(camera focuses on Priya and Raj, both still wide awake)
Raj: I can't believe that out of all my friends, I'm the only one who has no wife or girlfriend.
Priya: I can't believe your friends all found someone.
Raj: They're not so bad.
Priya: They're worse than bad! Why are you even living in Pasadena in the first place? You would rather live with a bunch of scientists than your own family? It's a surprise you weren't kicked out of India.
Raj: Maybe I'd rather live in Pasadena because my family in India is close-minded.
Priya: Rajesh, I'm not being close-minded. I'm just saying maybe you would've found someone in India.
Raj: Seriously? I'm getting slack from the woman who slept with Leonard?
Priya: It hardly matters what I did. I don't live in Pasadena.
Raj: It doesn't matter where you live! You shouldn't do anything like that and then preach purity.
Priya: Purity. This coming from the guy who needs to drink just to speak to women. (shakes her head and locks eyes with him) I'm just saying it's an abomination, choosing a slutty waitress; an engineer; a physicist who needs to invent things to make his equations work; and a guy who slept with me, over your family - three people in your hometown who actually care about you.
Raj: My friends care about me!
Priya: How many of them have openly admitted it before?
(4 second silence)
Priya: Have they ever done anything special for your birthday?
Raj: Birthdays, who cares about those. That'd just be something done out of social protocol, it has nothing to do with anything.
Priya: I rest my case.
Raj: Do you really think now's the time to discuss it?
Priya: You've done a fine job not answering me. I'm just saying maybe take half the credit.
Raj (making everyone asleep stir and everyone awake look at them): You are such a bitch.
Priya: Excuse me?
Raj: You heard me.
Priya: Okay, what if I told you Mom was pregnant again?
Raj: As if. In this fresh hell?
Priya: It's possible.
Raj: Yeah, sure - if she hasn't been bitten yet.
Priya: Look, all I know is, you're being stupid by staying in the town Amy lives in. I hear she's the cause for this...fresh hell.
Raj: Who told you that?
Priya: I said I heard it. It doesn't neccessarily mean I was told, now does it?
Raj: And you're telling me to take half the credit! Listen to yourself. (throws back covers and sits up) I can't be in the same bed as you. (climbs down ladder)
(next scene shows Leonard restlessly turning over. He turns onto his left side to find himself looking right into Penny's eyes as she smiles at him. Leonard opens one arm out to her and she snuggles against him)
Penny (as Raj is seen behind her climbing up into an empty bed): That was pretty nasty, huh?
Leonard: I'll take it over shooting risers any day.
Penny: No kidding.
(She adjusts the blankets before scene fades into next; in which Amy awakens to find herself alone. She sits up and looks around at all the empty beds. Looking slightly anguished; she climbs halfway down the ladder and makes the bed before climbing the rest of the way down the ladder and searching the building for a sign of life. She finds it in the kitchen; where everyone is finishing breakfast. Amy's shoulder smacks into Penny's as they pass one another; and Penny drops her freshly made toast to the floor)
Penny: God, Amy, that was really rude.
Amy: Why are you blaming me? I didn't smack it out of your hands; you dropped it.
Penny: Because you made me drop it.
Amy: It's toast. Make it again and stop complaining.
(Penny scrutinizes her as she bends down, picks up the toast and throws it away)
Bernadette (to Leonard): I hear you and Penny got engaged last night. Congratulations.
Leonard: Uh, thank you.
Penny: We don't have a wedding date just yet - I mean, seriously, look around. But hell, we'll probably just tie the knot in this building. (continues with more stress than excitement) I'm really looking forward to that.
Leonard: Oh, me too.
Amy (quietly, to an unenthused Priya): I don't understand it either.
(Priya nods subtly)
Sheldon (to Amy): I like you.
(Amy's eyebrows go up as she shifts her weight in her seat)
(4 second pause)
Alvin (quietly): This is awkward.
Claire: Excuse me. (gets up and leaves room)
(Claire, sporting a backpack, climbs up the ladder onto the roof; then down the ladder onto the tank. She shoots two zombies approaching her and then jumps to the ground; landing near the zombie she had sliced in the temple the previous day. She climbs into the bus and sets her backpack down on the driver's seat. As she rummages through its contents; the angle changes to reveal a zombie sitting in the far back of the bus. As Claire pulls out a needle; the zombie stands and stiffly makes her way to Claire; who is oblivious until the zombie sinks her decayed teeth into Claire's shoulder. Claire screams, dropping the needle and falling to her knees. She pushes away the zombie; then proceeds to kill it with her pocket knife. Claire then locks the bus doors and lies down on the floor, beginning to cry)