Hai People! I know I should be working on B&B but I HAVE NO TIME because RL's a bitch and I darn it I wish I had a time turner. So here's this piece. Wrote it when I was supposed to be doing homework due tomorrow, so right now I'm a bit worried. But I hope you like it. It's somewhat based on Dream About Flying By Alexi Murdoch, only a zillion times darker. Enjoy!
I own nothing. Warning: Dark!Jim Tarsus!Jim
In his dream, Jim is flying. He isn't flying on a plane or a hover-craft or even a spaceship. Nothing lame like that. He is flying, for real, on huge feathery white wings like in the picture the crazy old man from next door had shown him. Only not naked like the people in the picture. He is so high above the ground, so far up that if, for a second, he doesn't flap his wings, doesn't focus on staying up, he is sure he'll fall to his death on the ground.
His heart is thrumming like the heart of a bird, pulsing delicately and yet consistently, and he can feel blood rushing through his body, healthy and clean and so fresh. The cuts and bruises are gone—did he even have cuts and bruises? Where did he get them?—His mind is sharp and he can see properly—when could he not see properly?—and he isn't hungry—there's a shadow in his mind and he's semi-aware that this is a dream, and that the reality in wait for him is like nothing he can imagine but he can't vocalize it, can't even think it, so he relishes the moment—and that is just freaking awesome because somehow he can only remember being hungry before, and is not entirely sure why.
He thinks that the hunger is the darkest, scariest thing he's ever thoughtseenfelt. It's empty and nothing he eats can make him full because it's not (just) his stomach that is empty, it's his heart and his mind and his soul—he's soul-less like the monsters in his neighbours' books—and they're all empty. And he's terrified of himself.
He understands hate, and tiredness, and anger. He understands pain and resentment, but he does not quite understand the completely overshadowing dimness of hunger. He does not understand how this physical thing can twist his mind with longing for something to sate his un-ending hunger. He cannot accept that he is so easily ruled by something so meager, that he can imagine turning against his friends—brothers and sisters—for a cracker or a slice of bread.
And as time goes by, the dark greed inside of him becomes a monster, an actual thing that claws on the insides of his ribs, growling from his stomach. He imagines it has green eyes, and in his moments of weakness, when it takes over him, altering his personality and mind, when he contemplates at night—rip soft flesh and eat and satisfy and fill and contented bloody lips sleeping without companionship (his companions have sated his hunger) and peace outside but torturenightmarehorror inside—the unthinkable, he thinks his eyes turn green as well.
He flies up to a cliff simply because he can—there is something enchanting and terrifying about the height, unbearably beautiful both outside and inside him—and watches life below him. He does not feel like a hawk—predator fear animal—instead he feels like a glorious god, graceful and loved.
And then he cannot sleep, even as he leads twelve other children to a place where they can sate their hungers—can he sate his? Will he ever be full? He is more empty than them all and doesn't know why and doesn't know how to fix it—he is increasingly terrified. His terror of the nightmare they have witnessed—dead people dying people living people who are dead inside—is constant. He is ever worried They will catch up to them; ever worried they will be turned into the zombies who kill and are killed.
He swoops downwards from the cliff, not opening his wings until he is almost touching the ground, knowing he's safe because—this is probably not real—his wings will not fail him and he'll live forever, away from the monster in his heart and the monster in his house.
But his terror of the monsterinside is not reigned in by any rationality, not controlled by logic, not dictated by common sense. He is ruled by his fear of what he knows lies within; what he knows can surface any second. And he takes precautions. He never eats enough to have energy for anything other than walking—if he does he fears he will attack his brothers and sisters—and it feeds the monster and makes it stronger and he is weaker and stuck in a never-ending paradox of words and thoughts and actions that cancel each other out in his mind, yelling contradictions at each other, never never quiet. They are all hallucinating by then, deprived of everything children need.
Then one night as he sits awake—won't sleep, can't sleep, dare not unguard—he thinks about lying down and never waking up. That's what happened to their old neighbour. He's not stupid, of course. He knows what death is. But while he cannot truly and completely comprehend death, he can appreciate the peace that would come from sleeping heavily, comforted by the idea that he will not wake—that he will not hurt them, not touch them, not drink their souls to replace his—and that he wouldn't have to think about this anymore.
He thinks he is the most stupid person anywhere—selfish cowardly worthless ungrateful undeserving rude arrogant stupid—for being scared of himself. But he is terrified, and unable to bear the fact that he is, infact, the monster, and they are one and the same.
It makes more and more sense to lie down on the cold earth—it's earth even when he's not on Earth because dirt is dirt wherever you go, and only filth is fit to lie on dirt—and not wake up from sheer strength of will. He's weak enough, god knows. It wouldn't take much. A day longer without his quarter-rations, and he won't be able to move, and they'll be safe from him—will they be safe without him? Can Kim guide them to the nearest lake? Water equals food equals life and they'll be safe—and he'll die peaceful.
He's in the sky now, soaring closer and closer to the sun, basking himself in gold and warmth, and his wings will not fall apart because there is no flimsy wax holding feathers in place. His wings are real and flesh and blood and freedom.
But he doesn't, of course. That would be stupid. But he does sleep, for the first time in a long time—burning eyes soothed by blissful dark—and he allows himself water and feels stronger—strong enough to quell the monster for now, strong enough to stop the voices and the fear—and he sleeps almost peacefully then. The smallest member of their party, a sweet kid called Kev, crawls into the crook of his arm and his body is warm and slightly sticky, and the greatest comfort Jim has ever known (forgiveness).
And in his sleep he dreams about flying and it's the most exhilarating thing because he's escaping from this planet—alive or dead is just a matter of details—and he's overjoyed and thrilled and impossibly incredibly light and it totally explains why he's flying.
Jim wakes to the dirt floor and a rock pillow and instinctively reaches for his wings and they're gone —of course they're gone, he was dreaming—and he's stuck on that planet in that nightmare without escape because he cannot fly away and he cannot die in peace, leaving such duty behind, and his only hope of escape is gone, because his wings were a dream.
He cannot help but cry.
Hey guys. Hope you liked it. Now I feel all drained and crap. Don't even know where this came from; I'm not particularly unhappy. Just stressed. But oh well. Minds work in funny ways. I really hope you liked it.
REVIEW!!!
There is no escape except for death, no miraculous flight to the heavens. Only the fools and the forgotten escape.