Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they belong to the late great Johnathan Larson
A young man sat in the corner of the darkened room. He is shivering, sitting on his bed with his legs in front of him. His eyes look dead and there are scars running up and down his arms. He barely moves when the bedroom door creaks open and a blond man peaks inside.
"Roger," the man whispers and walks into the room. He is staring at the man on the bed but the man doesn't move. "What's the matter with you?" He gets no answer and this time when he speaks he sounds angry. "How could you miss April's funeral? What the hell has gotten into you lately? She was your girlfriend and you still didn't go!"
"I know, Mark," the man, Roger, whispers and that seems to take Mark by surprise. "I know, I should have gone but I couldn't do it," he starts moaning and lies down on the bed. Mark walks forward carefully sitting down besides him. "I just don't understand why she killed herself. What was so terrible that she didn't want to live anymore, was it something I did? Are you sure there was no note or anything when you found her?" Roger asks.
Mark looks uncertain and sighs. He lies down next to Roger and says, "There was one thing."
Roger shifts his gaze and looks Mark in the eyes, "What?"
"Maybe we should wait for Collins to come home," Mark mumbles looking away from Roger.
"No, tell me now. I need to know."
Mark sighs, "Yeah, you do. Its just I don't know how to tell you… Listen Rog, please tell me you won't do anything stupid."
Roger looks fearful and says, "What did you find?"
Mark takes a deep breath, "You've got AIDS."
Roger looks stunned; he lies back down on a pillow and doesn't say anything for a while. Mark tenses getting ready for Roger to explode but it never comes. "That explains it," Roger finally mumbles.
Mark shakes his head, "No it doesn't. Just because you have AIDS doesn't mean life isn't worth living anymore. Collins has AIDS and he lives a happy life."
"Yeah but April would never want to live with that. April liked to be in control."
Mark nodded and it is silent again. "Mark?" Roger asks and Mark looks at him. Roger looks like he is holding back tears and says, "Did I kill her?"
"No she killed herself."
"Yeah but… I was the one who got her started on smack, so if she got it from a needle that was me and if she got it the other way that was me too. Oh no, I killed her," Roger says and tears start rolling down his face.
Mark pulls Roger into a hug and says, "No, it was her choice both times as much as it was yours. Stop this, she wouldn't want you to mope around all day."
Roger stands up and says, "No, you're wrong. Do you know what I was doing while you were at her funeral. I should have been at her funeral too but I was too busy getting high. God that's so typical, while I should have been mourning her I was doing the thing that killed her and is going to kill me."
Mark looks scared at what Roger just said. He gets up and says, "Then stop doing it. Respect April's death, take it as a sign stop doing heroin. Don't let it run the rest of your life Roger."
Roger shakes his head, "No, it doesn't matter, I'm going to die soon anyway. I only feel normal when I'm doing it I can't stop."
"You'll die sooner if you keep it up."
"So what?"
Mark looks hurt, "Don't say that. You don't mean it."
"How do you know what I mean? You aren't the one with this disease. You're not the one who is going to die."
"And you're not the one who's going to be left behind! Stop being so selfish Roger. Try and live the rest of your life off that Goddamn thing. Its been killing you for months now. You aren't the same person you were before you started smack. You're more moody and depressed. Please do me a favor and try to stop."
Roger pauses for a second and says quietly, "I can't"
Mark takes a careful step forward and says, "I'll help you, and so will Collins. Or you could sign into a rehab."
Roger shakes his head, "No, I just can't, I'm sorry." He turns around and walks out of the room. Mark doesn't move until he hears the front door close again.
Mark sighs and moves back into the living room. He falls onto one of the couches and soon the loft door slides open again but Roger isn't standing there. Without looking he says, "Hey Collins."
"Where's Maureen?" Collins asks.
"Out with some friend. She's upset about April and doesn't want to be here," Mark replies dully.
"So where's Roger?"
"He just left… I told him about the note I found," Mark says.
"Shit," Collins answers and sits down.
Mark says, "We have to do something about him. He's killing himself with those drugs."
"Easier said then done my friend."
"I know but maybe you can try talking to him. I need help he won't listen to me."
Collins shakes his head. "Roger needs to make that decision on his own. We can't make him or it won't work. If he comes to me and tells me he wants to be clean, I'll be there for him the whole time."
"I just want to try and get him to understand why he needs to stop. He didn't go to April's funeral cause he was getting high, it is taking over his life," Mark replies.
"I know but until he realizes that we can't do anything to help him," Collins says and Mark nods numbly.
They sit in silence together for hours. Both of them are lost in their own thoughts. Thinking about life, death, love, drugs or their friend, it didn't matter.
Its dark by the time the door opens again and Roger steps inside. He looks cold even though it is a hot summer night. He softly closes the door behind him and he's staring at his feet. "Guys?" he finally says after a few tense moments.
"Yes," Mark replies.
"I was thinking that maybe I should quit. Maybe you're right, maybe it is killing me," Roger says quietly.
Mark looks over at him and so does Collins. Collins asks, "Are you on it now?"
"No… I went out to get some but I was thinking about our talk Mark and I think you're probably right."
Collins smiles and steps forward hugging Roger close to him. Mark gets off the couch too and walks towards them both. "I'm proud of you," Collins says.
"Nothing to be proud of yet," Roger mumbles.
"This is a start," Collins answers happily.
"So are you going to stay here or do you want to go to a rehab?" Mark asks.
Roger looks scared but nods, "I'll stay here, hospitals creep me out."
Collins and Mark glance at each other seeming to be coming to an agreement silently and then they both nod. Collins speaks first, "Ok Roger, we'll be here for you the whole time. Why don't you go try to lie down?"
Roger yawns and says, "Yeah I haven't been feeling to well." He stumbles into his bedroom and closes the door behind him. Mark smiles at Collins but Collins isn't smiling back.
"What now?" Mark asks.
"Do you know how hard this is going to be, for all of us? I wish he would go to a rehab they would know how to help him better and he'd be safer."
"Well he is going to try and that's a start," Mark says.
Collins smiles, "Its better then nothing. But if we're going to help him, neither of us can leave the loft for a while. Someone is going to need to be with him all the time. We'll sleep in shifts."
"Whatever, as long as he gets clean," Mark answers.
"Hopefully," Collins says still looking doubtful.
They arrange everything.. Collins calls into to work saying he has a virus and Mark tells Maureen she should probably stay at a friend's house for a while. Collins runs out to the store and restocks their food while Mark takes first watch. When he gets back they switch and so the pattern continues for the next few days.
Quickly Roger's health begins to deteriorate. He starts shaking uncontrollably even though they are in the middle of a heat wave. He has feverish dreams and is throwing up constantly. At first he only has symptoms of a bad flu but in a day or two things get worse. Mark leaves the room on one of his watches to get a sandwich and hears someone click open the lock to their apartment. He turns around and sees Roger standing there.
"Go back to bed," Mark orders him.
"No," Roger moans. "Please I feel like I'm dying, I just need one hit and I promise I'll never do it again."
"No, go back to bed Roger. You're going to get through this."
Roger looks angry, "You can't tell me what to do! I'm going, I'll be back in a little bit."
"No you won't. You're not leaving, go lie back down."
"Make me," Roger hisses.
Mark looks uncertain. Roger has always been much stronger then him but he was so weak maybe he would be able to get Roger back in the bedroom. "Fine." Mark runs at Roger and they wrestle around for a minute before Mark realizes he was mistaken. Roger is still stronger then him… and angry.
Roger pins Mark to the ground and says, "I'm leaving, don't make hurt you."
Just then Mark hears Collins' door open as he walks in. Collins looks at the scene for a minute before dragging Roger back into his room. He seems to not have any trouble with Roger and throws him on the bed. Roger moans in pain and throws up again.
"Stay there, Rog. Its for your own good," He says surprisingly calmly.
"Do you hate me? I thought you were my friends! Can't you tell I'm dying and all I need is one hit and I'll be fine," Roger answers.
"I love you like a brother Roger. You'll thank us for this in a few days," Collins replies.
"I'll be dead in a few days if you don't let me go," he cries.
"No, you'll be fine. Stay with him this time Mark. Don't let him out of the room." Mark takes his seat on the floor and Roger pulls all his blankets over his body as he begins shaking again.
The next day Roger has developed a cough and he seems to be going from bad to worse. "Maybe we should call a doctor?" Mark says to Collins.
Collins looks concerned and says, "No, Roger doesn't want to go into rehab."
"But what if he dies. I've heard of people dying in withdrawal," Mark replies his voice laced with concern.
"He won't die," but Mark can see that he looks doubtful.
Roger falls asleep, coughing and throwing up but he never seems to come out of his feverish dreams. Mark watches his friend over the next few hours very worried. What would he do without Roger? He was his best friend and if he didn't let him out of the house to get drugs and then he died he would never be able to live with himself. He thought about going out and getting some heroin for Roger but didn't. Maybe he was almost through the worst of it. Collins said it should end soon.
A week has passed before Roger really comes to. He wakes up shaking and calls Mark to his bed, "Thanks man," he mumbles before falling back asleep but Mark smiles.
Within two days Roger is back on his feet. He is still very sick but he laughs and jokes around as best he can. Collins goes back to work and everything seems to have returned to normal. Maureen comes home and makes the loft a lot more relaxed with her presence.
It's been a month and Roger is still clean. Mark smiles happily every time he sees him walking around the house. One day he walks into Roger's room and finds him staring at the wall.
"What's up?" he asks him.
Roger sighs, "I was just thinking that I should go see April."
Mark frowns, "You probably should, I'll go with you."
"No."
"Why not? I don't mind," Mark answers.
"I can't leave the loft?" Roger answers simply.
"What do you mean? Of course you can leave the loft," Mark says.
"No, I can't. If I leave I'm afraid I'll do smack again," Roger says softly.
"You won't as long as you don't want to. You can't stay trapped up here forever."
"Yes, I can and I will. If I leave so many things could happen. I could do drugs again or find some girl I really like but I won't be able to be with her because I'll just wind up killing her like I killed April," Roger explains.
Mark looks stunned, "You didn't kill April."
"Yes I did! Its my fault she's dead."
"So you're not leaving the loft because you're afraid?"
"I'm not afraid I just don't want to hurt anyone."
"That's bullshit Roger, you're afraid. You don't want to leave the loft because you're afraid to love again."
Apparently Mark hit a nerve because Roger lashes out at him knocking him to the floor. "I'm not afraid! You can't make me leave, so just stop trying, it's my decision, just leave me alone."
Mark gets back up and says, "I thought when you quit the drugs you'd start living again but you're just doing the same damn thing. You're locking everyone out. You're wasting your life trying to pretend you can't feel the pain. I know you must be scared but locking yourself up here until you die isn't going to make it any easier."
Roger still looks angry, "Just get out."
Mark starts to walk away before turning around one more time, "Please Roger, listen to me. April wouldn't want you to live like this. You're letting the disease control you; letting you're past control you. Let it go. Carpe Diem."
Roger stares at him blankly but shakes his head and whispers, "Just leave."
A.N: Hope you enjoyed, it was pretty angsty I know but I felt like writing a really dramatic fic and this one just came to me. I think its a little bit different then the typical Roger goes through withdrawal fic. Review please and if you read my other story, expect an update by the end of the week.