Everything Is Shattering and It's My Mistake (Only Fools Fall for You)
Summary: Beau Swan knows his situation is a little weird. He's a guy, inside a girl's body, who's attracted to guys. So basically he's a gay guy trapped inside of a girl's body. It's no wonder Charlie's confused. Beau/Jacob Trans!Beau
Prologue: Becoming Beau
"People changed lots of other personal things all the time. They dyed their hair and dieted themselves to near death. They took steroids to build muscles and got breast implants and nose jobs so they'd resemble their favorite movie stars. They changed names and majors and jobs and husbands and wives. They changed religions and political parties. They moved across the country or the world — even changed nationalities. Why was gender the one sacred thing we weren't supposed to change? Who made that rule?"
― Ellen Wittlinger, Parrotfish
Bella Swan is seven years old when she tells her mom that she doesn't want to do ballet anymore. She hates it. She hates wearing her frilly pink tutu's. She hates all of it!
"They make me feel stupid," she says, throwing down her ballet slippers.
"Are you sure sweetheart?" René asks, and Bella nods.
"I hate wearing dresses," Bella mutters, and René leaves her alone, while she goes to call her ballet teacher and let them know that her daughter won't be coming back.
Bella takes off her Tutu and put on her jeans, feeling right for the first time in months.
When she's 13, she leaves the dinner table in tears, and goes to cry in the bathroom. René's boyfriend, Doug, had been staying with them for a few weeks and Bella hates him.
Doug keeps making fun of the way she dresses and her mom isn't defending her.
"You know, you'll never get a boy if you don't show a little skin," Doug comments, and Bella lip trembled, "Don't be so sensitive, flannel princess. I'm trying to help you out,"
René says nothing, looking down at her plate, as Doug continues his tirade. He talks about her hobbies, about her clothes, about her room. The word 'unfeminine,' is mentioned more than once.
"Excuse me," Bella says, throwing down her fork, and running out of the room in tears.
Doug doesn't know anything. Bella tries hard to be like other girl. She tries wearing dresses and skirts. She tries to put on makeup and all the other things that girls her age are into.
But it just doesn't feel right.
She hates herself sometimes. Everything about her feels wrong. Like her life is a play and everyone is doing what they're supposed to do, except her. It's like she's in the wrong costume and she just want to shed her skin and be someone else.
This isn't her. This isn't who she's born to be.
She looks in the mirror at herself, touching the ends of her long brown hair.
It just feels wrong.
When she's 14, her voice gets higher and her body gets softer. She starts to develop breast, and she gets curves. She takes off all her clothes and looks herself in the mirror. She feels sick, and something heavy weighs in her heart.
She wants to peel her skin off and climb out of her body for a few minutes. Instead, she puts on her cloths twice her size to hide her the changes, and pulls her baseball cap and low on head as it will go.
She goes to the park.
Her relationship with René had been growing strained, ever since she cut her hair, and the less time they spent together the better.
She was sitting on a bench reading when someone threw a Frisbee next to her. She picked it up and offered it wordlessly to the boy.
"Thanks man," he said, and Bella felt something light and weightless in her chest.
She thinks it's happiness.
"You're welcome," she says, lowing her voice a pitch, and she knows that it sounds off, but the boy doesn't seem to notice.
He takes off to continue his game, and Bella spends the rest of the afternoon talking to herself in the low voice until her voice sounds as close to the boy's as she can make it.
When he's 15, he finally tells René that he was supposed to be born a boy.
He shows her pamphlets and articles that he'd printed off the computer about people like him. René reads the pamphlet and then she cries.
He waits for her to say something, but René leaves the stuff on the table and leaves the room without another word.
The next day, he finds René waiting for him, when he comes out of the bathroom. She's holding a frilly pink dress.
"You're just going through a phase," she says, shoving the dress in his arms.
"It's not a phase," he says, laying the dress down, and René looks like she's going to cry again.
"Not my daughter," René cries, "My Isabella is a beautiful girl."
"Well, maybe I don't want to be Isabella anymore!" he exclaims and René flinches.
"What did I do wrong?" René asks, and he looks away.
"Read the pamphlets mom," he begs, before closing the door on his mother.
René never does read the pamphlets and he starts staying out late until after his mom goes to sleep before coming home.
When he's 16, he asks René to call him Beau.
She continues to call him Bella for a few months and he thinks that things are never going to change between them.
Then one day she slips.
"Don't forget to take out the trash, Beau," René says, and it takes everything Beau has not to show a reaction.
"Okay, mom," he says, and waits until he's outside to smile.
Whether she likes it or not, his mother is slowly excepting him.
Life was good.
When he was 17, René gets married.
He's happy that she's happy…but he's not sure how he feels about Phil.
Phil's a nice guy, but he doesn't understand why Beau is the way he is.
Unlike René, he reads the pamphlets and has questions. At first, Beau is pleased that he wants to know.
But that fades away pretty quick.
Phil asks really invasive questions that make Beau uncomfortable.
Is he getting the surgery?
Which bathroom does he use in school?
Is he sure he wants to be a guy?
Is he sure he's not just a butch lesbian?
The worst is when he asks Beau if he wears a fake penis to school during breakfast.
René chokes and Beau turns red.
Later, when Beau's in the shower, Phil walks in without knocking.
'Because they're both guys so what does it matter?'
Beau calls and asks Charlie if he can move in that night.
Charlie says yes.
Author's note: I just read Life and Death and this came to mind.
Please review and let me know what you think.