Santana.
I hadn't seen Brittany since I 'unofficially' broke up with her. I'm not exactly sure what the hell I expected to happen after. I didn't want to break up and I never want to be without her. I just really felt like there were no other options. I knew that she had been having a hard time back in Lima for her super second senior year. I knew that I couldn't be there to protect her or make her smile even. I felt completely fucking useless out in Louisville and the glee club members kept contacting me and filling me in on her downward spiral. She had been doing better in school but she just wasn't the same happy, go lucky Brittany. I felt like that was my fault in more ways than one. I knew that I was miserable being apart from her and I was sure she felt the same. We didn't get to talk as much as we liked or keep our skype dates as often as we wanted, because my cheerleading schedule was insane and she had to be in bed early for school. I knew I was neglecting her and I wasn't be there in a time when she really needed me. What part of knowing all this led me to 'unofficially' break up with her?
I guess it was that part of me that I usually kept hidden deep down inside. It was the fear that overtook me in the most inopportune times. It was that same damn thing that kept me from having Brittany in the first place, for all those years. Even when I think I've taken control and I've finally overcome that scared little girl, it comes back and throws a sucker punch out of nowhere. I mean I was out of the closet and everything now, my family and friends knew. Hell most of Ohio knew thanks to that stupid fucking campaign ad where I got singled out as a lesbian in an attempt to smudge Sue Sylvesters name as my Cheerios coach. If you have to throw a teenage closeted lesbian out of the closet to get people to believe that Sue is not fit for congress after marrying herself then I'm not sure what's wrong with the voters of Ohio. Anyways, that's not what I'm afraid of anymore. I really don't care if people don't like me because I almost always don't like them.
I'm afraid of hurting Brittany and breaking her heart. Brittany is above everything else, my best friend. She means more to me than anything on this planet and I don't ever want to be the reason for her pain. I don't ever want to be the reason for her sadness or tears. I know that breaking up with her probably hurt pretty bad but it also set her free. I couldn't stand the thought of her heart slowly breaking each day we spent apart. I couldn't stand the mental image I had of her lying in bed crying over the fact that we hadn't seen each other in weeks or that we didn't get to skype. I couldn't stand to think that she was in the same state I was in emotionally. I can handle feeling that way and I can handle the tears that come more often than not. There was no way in hell I'd be okay with making Brittany feel that way.
So I took her to the most romantic place and reminded her of how we fell in love. I sang her a beautiful song. I told her I'd always love her the most, but we needed to do the mature thing. When she shook her head no with those tears in her eyes I almost called it all off, as if I could say just kidding and everything would be magically okay. I stood my ground because I knew this was for the best. I knew we needed time to grow by ourselves so that one day we could grow together. I knew that breaking up would save our friendship, and also our relationship in some crazy twisted fucked up Santana alternate reality kind of way.
Now, here I am lying in my bed with the faint sound of purple people eater playing from the playlist Brittany made me for Valentines Day last year. It's almost as if I don't feel the tears spilling down my cheeks because they've become so routine these days. I know I probably shouldn't be listening to this playlist and I definitely shouldn't have it on repeat like I've done for the past week. It's been almost three weeks since I totally ripped my own heart out and stuck it in a blender but it didn't turn into a fucking beautiful oblivion, it just fucking hurt. I know I broke Brittany's heart too, and that's what really fucked me up the most. I just keep telling myself it was the right decision but this lump in my stomach that shoots pain right through me isn't going away. Quinn got wind of the break up, which in turn means that Rachel and Kurt both know. I'm sure the glee club members have all found out by now.
I hope the glee club kids are taking care of her. I really hope that Sugar is giving her support because I know that they've gotten super close. It didn't surprise me to see it happen seeing as Sugar is basically a mixture between Brittany and me. I've been trying to give her some space because I know it's really hard to talk to her right now and I'm sure it's hard for her to talk to me. We've texted back and forth a few times and talked on the phone a little bit. I'm still wondering if I'll ever start to feel better because I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. Every time I hear her voice it's bittersweet because I just think about how badly I miss her and want to kiss her but I'm not allowed to anymore.
The sound of my ringtone breaks me out of my deep thoughts. I know it's Quinn because 'The Supremes - Say a little prayer' is blaring from my phone overpowering the background of osama yo mama playing from my laptop. I reach for my nightstand and grab my phone. I stare at the screen for a second because I still haven't decided whether I'm going to answer it or not. I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes as if she could see the tears through the phone.
"Hello." I say with every intention on trying to sound bitchy but it came out more along the lines of a sad question.
"Santana, finally." She replies with an irritated tone. She had been calling me for the past two weeks. I didn't answer the phone for anyone that knew about my break up, except for Brittany. My parents had called a few times and I was sure they knew after seeing me come home as a complete wreck after my time with Brittany in the choir room. I had went straight to my room and cried until I fell asleep.
"Some of us have shit to do, Fabray." I snap. I really did have shit to do more often than not but when I wasn't in class, the library, or at cheer practice; I was in bed crying or just lying there wallowing in self pity and hatred.
"You could call me back! It's been a month since we've talked. What happened to weekly updates? What happened to sticking together even with the distance and the crazy stuff life throws at you? We made a pact remember? You can't just shut yourself out because you're a mess." She says. I hate that Quinn knows me so well. I hate that she calls me out on my bull shit.
"Well, I answered so can you stop lecturing me know Mom because you're beginning to sound a little like Berry with those long sentences with no breathes in between." I reply.
"What the hell is wrong with you Santana?"
She didn't have to say anything more because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Quinn had always been all for my relationship with Brittany. When we finally talked to her about what was going on between us, she said that she'd been waiting for us to figure our shit our for years. She's probably pretty confused about our out of the blue break up.
"Listen Q, I don't need this right now." I feel my voice crack as the tears pool in my eyes. I hear Quinn sigh into the other end and I know she's rethinking her words. I know she heard the weakness behind my voice and realized how broken I was at the moment.
"I'm sorry. I'm just confused. Are you okay? Do I need to come visit?" She asks. I can hear the concern in her voice and I try to stifle back a sob but it breaks loose and the tears are rolling down my cheeks again. I don't even know whether I'm crying because I'm so heartbroken and lost or whether it's because I'm so happy to have a friend like Quinn who I know will always be there for me if I need her. I take a deep breath and try to swallow the tears before replying.
"For once, I'm so not okay. I'm going home this weekend to do laundry, though. You don't need to travel a bazillion hours just to try and save me from myself. I'll be fine.. I think.. I hope." I try to sound convincing, but it doesn't come out as strong as it sounded in my head.
"Just say the word and I'll get a plane ticket to Kentucky." She replies as if it's the most simple suggestion in the world.
"That's a little far, plus won't you be home for Thanksgiving in a few weeks? I'll be fine." I say trying to reassure her.
"Yeah, I'll be home then. You know I'm here anytime you need me?" She asks and the vulnerability behind this conversation shows you how much you've both grown since high school which wasn't long ago.
"Yeah, can we just quit acting like this stuff needs to be said. We're best friends and after everything we've been through together... I hope we'd jusr know this by now." I say before getting out of my bed and walking over to my vanity.
"Sometimes I just need to make sure you know. I'm worried about you. I can hear the music you have playing in the background and you know I know what playlist that is. You're torturing yourself. I'm sure you haven't left your bed for anything other than class and practice. I'm sure you've been listening to all the music that reminds you of her and reliving every memory. What I'm not sure of is why you do it to yourself? Isn't it bad enough without rubbing salt in the wound?" Quinn asks. I look in the mirror and I'm glad I haven't worn make up in days because I would definitely have raccoon eyes. I look like Rachel Berry when she sings a love song to Finn, my eyes are all glazed over and puffy from crying.
"It's actually worse when I don't surround myself with things that remind me of her, then I feel nothing at all. At least now I feel something even if I haven't stopped crying. I burst into tears in the middle of class, thank god we were watching a movie that day and most of the other people were asleep due to sheer boredom. I burst into tears because the movie had a cat that looked like a miniature, weight watchers version of Lord Tubbngton." I admit before taking a brush through my hair that I hadn't touched all day. I don't have classes on Friday and cheer was cancelled today so I was all set to leave for Lima whenever I gained the strength to pack my shit and go.
"I just don't understand why you broke up. You're soulmates... you're freakin made for each other." Quinn says in disbelief. Like I need her to tell me this, like I need someone else to make me feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life.
"I was trying to save us. To save her. We weren't coping well with the distance and I didn't want it to ruin our relationship like it did for Kurt and Blaine or even Rachel and Finn. I mean granted that relationship was ruined the minute Berry went for him because I mean seriously, it's fucking Finnocence."
"That would never happen to you and Brittany, you're the perfect couple." Quinn argues. Why is she making this harder for me?
"Brittany's perfect and I'm far from that. I neglected her when she needed me and I can't sit her and let her down over and over again knowing that I'm hurting her and it just hurts me Quinn. Can we talk about something else? I actually should get going, I have to pack for Lima." I tell her.
"Alright, drive safe Santana. Call me anytime you want. I'll talk to you later about this... I know it's not my relationship and you probably think it's not my business but you're both my best friends and I can't sit back and watch as you throw something so magical away. Think about it San. Make sure you see Brittany while you're in Lima." She said before hanging up.
I grab my makeup back and put it in my luggage. I had packed most of the clothes I wanted to bring but I needed to get a few more things together. After I finish packing everything up I grab my laundry basket and roll my luggage behind me before locking the door and heading towards the elevator. I know that in a few hours I'll be driving into Lima and I'm scared of how that's going to make me feel. All of my memories with Brittany are scattered around town and there's not a place that won't remind me of her. I know that I can't leave Lima without seeing Brittany and I'm not sure I'll make it through the first night without trying to see her. When I make it to my car I turn on the radio and of course Britney Spears is playing. This is going to be a long drive.
What do you think? Just wanted to do something sort of along with the story line of glee right now but change it somewhat. Not sure how long it's going to be, depends on interest I guess but I know it's at least going to be a few chapters more.