If It Meant Living
"Parallel Realities"
Note: This is a one-shot deviation from "If It Meant Living: From the Beginning." If you haven't already, you probably want to read "Chapter 27: Horizon" first (I can't link to it, but just click "Graceyn" above to get to it). That covers all of Horizon and is the "official" version for this fic (though I promise their story is not over) – to be clear, what appears below never happens in that story. When I was writing that chapter, I knew I needed it to go the way it did – but I just kept thinking, "What if Shepard catches up to things in time and runs after him, like we all so desperately wish she had?" That story needs to be told as well…
"Kaidan – wait!" He stopped, but just barely, and turned halfway back towards her.
"I need your help. Come…come with me? Please."
He looked at her with the saddest eyes she had ever seen.
"No."
Then he turned and walked away.
... ... ...
"What do you want to do?"
He stopped pacing and stared at her, she thought perhaps all the way through to her soul this time.
"I want to be with you."
She watched him walk away and disappear around the corner.
The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death. She would find a way.
She ran.
... ... ...
She rounded the corner to find him leaning against the building, head thrown back against the wall. When he saw her he blinked a few times then stood up straight. "Go away Shepard."
The anger was already rapidly ebbing away; filling the void was raw pain. He tried desperately to hold on to the anger, he needed it right now...
She pinned him against the wall then grabbed either side of his face so he was forced to look at her. "Kaidan Alenko, you listen to me, and you listen to me now. I understand – "
His mind was reeling from their encounter, he could barely think at all. And now she was pressed up against him, looking at him and talking with passion and urgency. She was so close, it felt just as he remembered – but he remembered a lie. Why did she have to come after him, prolong this absurd farce? He couldn't take another second of the torture. He couldn't.
He pushed her off of him roughly. He glared at her, anguish in his eyes. "Just leave. I don't want –"
She stared at him fiercely. "No. If you meant what you said, if you ever loved me" – he turned away – "then hear me!"
He had nothing left. He couldn't even ask her to leave again. Nothing.
He didn't look at her but he didn't ask her to leave either. He just dropped his head to his chest.
She started pacing. "I understand why you're upset; I understand why you don't believe me. But I am telling you the truth. I lost consciousness from an O2 leak as I hurtled towards Alchera's surface two years ago, and I woke up for the first time Thirty. One. Days. Ago."
Why must she keep saying that? It couldn't be true. He had never realized she was such a very, very good liar – she truly sounded as though she believed it. But he wasn't a fool. Not any longer.
He shook his head and dropped it lower. He still didn't look at her. "Shepard – "
She just kept going. "Now I don't know if I died at Alchera and Cerberus has discovered the secret to resurrection, or if I was just so badly damaged they kept me in a coma for two years while they patched me back together, bit by bit. Doesn't matter. I closed my eyes and I woke up and " – she reached and grabbed his arm, pulled him towards her, then again grabbed his face with both hands – "I looked for you. The first thing I did once I had a ship under my control was go to the Citadel to look for you. Anderson stonewalled me. He – "
What?
His eyes jumped up to meet hers. "You saw Anderson? But – "
"Yes! He wouldn't…" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "He didn't tell you. Of course…he obviously didn't tell you…Kaidan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way…"
Everything he had thought he knew about the universe and his place in it started shifting dangerously yet again.
He didn't turn away this time, but stared at her with a guarded expression. "What happened."
She nodded. Progress. "I met with the Council, they reinstated my Spectre status. I talked with Anderson about getting reinstated in the Alliance, but…it would take months, if at all, and…no one else is trying to stop these attacks…and I don't have time, not now…when this is over I'll kiss whatever ass I need to get reinstated…but…" she shook her head. "He wouldn't tell me where you were, said you were on a classified mission and he couldn't tell me while I was…working with Cerberus…" He flinched and pulled away from her. "Kaidan, they know what I'm doing out here – I'm not a traitor."
Could…could what she was saying somehow be true? Could she really have been unaware for the last two years? Could it be that she hadn't left him alone, that she had tried to find him? She had desperation in her voice, was pleading with her eyes. She was so goddamn convincing. How could it be? There was no way it could be. But…what if it was?
His guarded expression had collapsed, to be replaced with confusion, uncertainty. He paced in agitation. "Shepard, I don't…I can't…I don't know…"
She dropped her head for a moment then looked back up at him. "I was a Spectre again and I had nothing else. So I went back to my ship, and I left to try and stop the Collectors. I didn't know how to find you. But I've thought about you…my quarters are close enough to the old Normandy that at night…I can almost see you there next to me…" Her voice cracked, and he drew in a sharp breath. "I've even been studying fucking hacking, just so I won't have to lie there and think of you – only it just makes me think of you…"
She blinked and just stared at him for a moment, searching. "When I heard you were on Horizon and the Collectors were attacking… Kaidan, my world turned upside down. When that ship took off, I thought you were on it – I thought you were dead – but you were alive, you were okay – but then…"
Oh god…he looked at the light in her eyes, heard the passion and pain in her voice…and allowed himself to begin to believe.
She leaned hard against the wall, dropped her head back against it and stared at the sky; she couldn't look at him any longer. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I died. I'm sorry when I lived I couldn't find you. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I have a goddamn Savior complex that makes me work with terrorists…because I have the crazy notion I can save everyone…I'm…" She swallowed and dropped her head to look back at him, eyes shining. "I'm sorry I never told you I loved you."
Raw emotion – hope, wonder, relief, love – flooded through his veins, drowning him.
He was to her in a split-second; he pinned her against the wall this time, one hand in her hair, the other tentatively touching her check. "God, is it really you? How can it be you? How can…" At the sight of her smile, he melted into her. "Graceyn…" he breathed against her lips. "I…you were gone…but now you're here…you're really here, aren't you?"
She smiled and gently ran fingertips along his lips. "Yes. I am."
... ... ...
"Uh, Commander? We've got a couple of Alliance ships coming in, they'll be here in about ten minutes…I'm not sure they'll believe we're friendlies, and I really don't want to shoot at them…"
She slowly pulled away from his lips and dropped her head against his shoulder. "I have to go…"
"I know" he whispered into her hair.
"Joker, send the shuttle to Garrus' location. We'll get out of here."
"Yes, ma'am. ETA 3 minutes."
He tightened his hold on her, reveling in the feel of her. After a minute she pulled back fractionally so she could look into his eyes. "I'd ask you to come with me, because there's nothing in all the worlds I want more than you at my side. But I know you can't. I know you can't be on a Cerberus ship, even for me. And I understand. It would require you to give up one of the most important parts of your self – and I can't ask that of you."
He caressed her cheek, thumb rubbing softly over her lips. "Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to go with you…but you're right. I can't. I'll do everything I can to force the Alliance, the Council, to focus on these attacks, I'll send you any information I find, I'll – " She interrupted him with a fierce, desperate kiss. It seemed to last an eternity, yet only the briefest moment.
"I love you" he whispered.
"I love you" she whispered.
The harsh sounds of the shuttle descending a few yards away grew louder.
She ever so reluctantly pulled away, arms extending to fingertips then separating.
"Don't you die on me again, you understand?"
She smiled a smile that could light the night sky. "I won't. I'll find a way to survive. I promise."