Things I'll Never Say
Santana loved Brittany.
She had denied it for so long, but now she couldn't. She was pissed off at the world, at herself, for having to hide it. She was so full of hate for herself, everytime she told Brittany she didn't care for her that way, that it was just for fun, for practice. But it got harder and harder to lie to her, Brittany knew. She always knows before Santana, but she also knows she has to give the girl time, and eventually she'll come around to the idea.
There's a saying that you can't love someone else, until you love yourself.
This was never more true in Santanas case, but with Brittanys help she came to realise how truly wonderful what they shared was, it wasn't just sex. It was... well... love. She grew to accept it and by Senior year, she was almost kinda ready to show it. Even if it was just to her family and friends, and by friends she meant the Glee Club.
She knew that Brittany was hurt by the fact Santana wanted to keep them a secret and the longer she hid it, the more Brittany began to believe that she would never show it. So imagine her surprise when in the first Glee rehearsal after summer Santana stood, interrupting one of Rachels rants, and asked if she was allowed to sing.
'Of course Santana... the floor is yours.' Mr Shuester said as he took his seat.
Santana walked to the front of the room and looked out at everyone staring at her. She took a deep gulp of breath as she whispered to the guitar player what the song was. He grinned and passed it round and she took her place.
'This is for Brittany. I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to realise it but... I er... care about you... a lot. So yeah, this is for you.' She mumbled, ignoring the looks of surprise or the knowing smirks plastered on their faces. The guitar filled the room and she stood fiddling with her hands.
I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head
She looked up at the Glee Club, they stared at her. She immediately looked back down, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks in embarrassment, Oh God, why was she doing this to herself. She chanced one more look up and their eyes met, the blonde flashed her an encouraging smile and she remembered. Of course, she was doing it for her. She returned the smile, and with new found confidence continued to sing.
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
She kept her eyes on Brittany the whole time. It was as if the Glee Club no longer existed, as if the world no longer existed. It was just her and her Britt Britt. The way it should be.
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Be with me today
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
She changed the words slightly and saw Quinn smirking out of the corner of her eye, she again realised that her and Britt weren't alone, her eyes dropping straight back to the floor.
It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
If it ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care
Santana couldn't look at them, she couldn't. She knew that they were staring, some knew about her and Britt, that she could tell from the smug looks on their faces, others wondered why she was singing such a weird song to her best friend.
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see,
I want to see you go down,
On one knee.
Be with me today,
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
She closed her eyes as she say the bridge, trying to put all her emotion into it. To show Brittany that she meant it. Every word.
What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
She let the note trail off and reopened her eyes, meeting the blondes sparkling blue ones moments later. Santana walked straight up to Brittany and took both her hands, ignoring the looks from everyone else as she stared directly into her best friends eyes.
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
She pulled Brittany up to dance with her as the girls sang the 'La da's'. They twirled and jumped and giggled before Santana carried on.
Guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Be with me today
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
The whole room fell silent as they stared at each other. Waiting. Santana smiled and gently finished the song holding hands their faces inches apart.
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never say.
Everyone was speechless, the two girls were oblivious, both completely lost in the other. Brittany mouthed 'I love you.' and bit her lip,smiling nervously. The latina smiled right back and mouthed 'I love you too.' Their cute moment was interrupted by a certain dwarf.
'Well I must say, this is a wonderful sapphic love story, which will surely inspire me in my future endeavours with writing, I can just picture it now... You two make a lovely couple and I am astounded and delighted that you've shared such an intimate part of your life with us, your fellow Glee Club members, and your foray into lesbianism certainly adds a splash of colour to our growing and already diverse group of misfits.' Rachel babbled standing up, she paused for breath and Quinn took it as a chance to interrupt before Santana did.
'Shut it Berry.' She said. Rachel looked at her and opened her mouth as though she was going to reply but with a harsh glare from Quinn immediately shut her mouth and sat back down in her chair.
'Look Barbra, I may care about Britts, a lot, but that doesn't make me a lesbian, it doesn't mean jack shit to you so shut your mouth about it or I swear to god I will go all Lima Heights on your sorry ass.' Santana growled, immediately on the defense again as soon as Rachel mentioned the 'L' word. Brittany sighed as Santana let go of her hands and took her seat, her walls going up and cutting her off from the world. 'One step forward, two steps back.' She thought.
After they were dismissed the two girls went back to Brittanys house and sat on her bed. Santana had been unusually quiet since she'd sung.
'Sanny... Are you okay?' She asked after an eternity.
'Yeah B. I'm fine.' Santana replied offering her a small smile.
'Gonna stop lying?'
Santana looked at the blonde incredulously before laughing quietly.
'What? Why you laughing?'
'How do you do that?' Santana asked.
'Do what?'
'Just see right through me, through my shields and my lies. You just know me.'
'I always have.'
'I know...'
They sat there in silence for a few seconds just looking at each other, appreciating each other and the feelings they had.
'So you gonna tell me what's wrong?' Brittany said after a few minutes.
'I-I'm gay.' Santana whispered.
'I know.'
'I've never said it out loud before. I've never admitted it to myself.'
'How do you feel?'
'Light, like all my problems have gone. I know they haven't but I feel lighter, shit Britt. I'm gay.'
Brittany chuckled and wrapped Santana in a hug, as she continued whispering it over and over.
'So now what?'
'Now nothing. I can't tell my family they'll disown me. It'll have to stay a secret for now.'
Brittany looked down, visibly hurt by the brunettes words, she should have known better than to hope. Nothing was going to change. She felt a warm tanned hand rest on her thigh.
'But. I promise you, I won't hide us for long. Just until I get my thoughts together. You're still my Britt-Britt right?'
'I guess.' The blonde mumbled looking at the carpet.
'Britt don't be like this please? You know I love you and I hate that this hurts you but I can't risk any shit happening. Not just yet anyway. Please?'
'I just hate that I can't be with you. That I have to pretend I don't love you because we're both girls and people in this town don't like that. I don't want to just be your best friend.'
'You're not.'
Brittany frowned in confusion.
'You're not my best friend.'
'Great. So I can't have you at all? In anyway? Thanks Santana. Thanks a lot.' Brittany said, standing and getting ready to walk out of her bedroom.
'That's not what I meant, I mean you're my... my...' She took a deep breath. 'You're-my-girlfriend-if-you-wanna-be-cos-I-want-you-to-but-only-if-you-want.' She said in one quick breath, looking at her hands.
'What was that?'
'You're my... girlfriend?' Santana asked unsure. She'd never officially asked Britt to be her girl but she'd wanted it, and judging by the grin on Britts face that's what she wanted too.
'Seriously?' Brittany asked, a massive grin splitting her face in half.
'If you want to be, I want you to be...' San chuckled rubbing the back of her neck nervously. She was suddenly attacked, her lips captured in a bruising kiss. 'That's a yes then?' Brittany nodded.
'I'm guessing it's still a secret?' She asked kinda sadly.
'Unfortunately yes, for now, but I promise that one day soon I will walk down the halls of Mckinley holding your hand so that everyone can see you're mine. Okay?'
'Okay.'
'Britt?'
'Yes Sanny?'
'I love you.'
'I love you too.'