I love you
Something isn't right. As a matter of fact, I am absolutely sure something is wrong, not just "not right". I'm about to fall asleep, but I can't stop thinking. This feeling inside me can't be any good. I've been having this intuition lately, I think something really bad is about to happen. But the question is, what is it that makes me feel this way?
And the answer comes to me while I am in the fragile line between real life and unconsciousness. It is buried deep inside my heart, but it's pretty simple.
He won't admit it, but he's been acting weird. I'm sure he's afraid. It's the way he's been behaving that makes me feel fearful. His whole body starts to tremble when I am not touching him, and his silver eyes turn icy as soon as he stops looking at me. But I can't. I am not able to take my sight off his eyes, because the pain I see in them is horrifying.
There are moments when I feel so frightened… even though he may be hugging me really tight, I just know that he is miles away from that place and moment. But the truth is that I'm not scared for me, but for him. What is it? What is that awful thing he is hiding from everyone, that keeps him so busy and so tired? And so sad, of course.
He won't tell me. I'm sure. I'm worried something may happen to him, now he joined the Dark Lord. My eyes are about to close… but no, I need to plan something. How can I get the truth from him? Oh Dear God, he is in great trouble.
Stupid, stupid young man. Why? I've told him several times not to make foolishness, but he can't help it. He just does them, he was born for that. And he thinks I don't know… poor him. Well, poor me. Who can be stupid enough to love a person under these conditions? Me. Who can be brainless enough to put an affair before a friendship? Me. Who can be silly enough to don't give a shit? Me. Hermione Granger. Why? Because he's the most important thing in my life. I can't even imagine a day without him. He's the sun I see every morning, the air I breathe, the words I speak. When I look at him… well, the rest of the world just vanishes. I can only concentrate in those amazing eyes I can stare forever, knowing they are just mine. As he once told me, a couple of years ago…
Flashback
- You're so spoiled! I can't stand you when you behave like that! I just can't deal with it anymore! – I yelled at him.
- Well, then don't! Leave me, and that would be it! – He screamed back.
- No! I can't! I could never do that! – I answered, the loudest my lungs were able to take.
- Why? Why not? – He said, looking piercingly into my eyes.
- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ASSHOLE! I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY SOUL! - I screamed.
He didn't reply. He just looked at me, as if he was seeing me for the first time ever. He came closer, and kissed me full in the mouth. It was not a regular kiss; it was the most meaningful one he had ever given to me. After that, everything went dark for a while. Some minutes later, I opened my eyes and came across his icy grey eyes, now melted. And my entire world made sense in that very same moment, when I saw them for the first time in that way. So I talked.
- Your eyes… they seem to be on fire. - I told him.
- That's because of you. - He was staring at me. I was still on his chest, recovering from what had just happened. - You make me feel this way. You always do. - He said.
- I love you. – I repeated, of course, looking for an answer to my confession.
- I'm yours. – He only told me. – Every single part of me is yours… from my eyes to my soul… I'm only of you.
End of the flashback
So here we are. Two years after that fantastic episode in the potions classroom and he still hasn't said those exact words to me. Well, he repeated them while he was asleep, but that doesn't count. And even though he 'loves' me, he still hasn't told me what's the matter.
So what's left for me to do? Wait. Wait until something happens, until he shows a sign or anything. Some signal that may help me to help him. Because I can assure he needs it, but he isn't brave enough to ask for it. He's so proud… he's always been this way. Fuck. And besides, if he won't receive help from me, the woman he's in love with (or at least that's what he says while he's asleep), of course he won't accept help from anyone else. Merlin, I'm so needed. I'd definitely go crazy if something happened to him. He's the only one I need. It has always been this way…
Flashback
- You can't date him! – Harry told me. This discussion started because Ron saw the way I was looking at my dearly beloved on the aisle that morning. At that moment, they said nothing, but then in the Common Room, they sat me down to talk. I told them the truth, obviously. They were my best friends. – Are you mad or something? - He continued. Ron and Ginny were just staring at me, letting him talk on his own. It seemed as they had prepared a speech. – He's evil. You know that. –
- I don't know what I know. – I simply answered. – And you neither. No one truly knows him. –
- He's dangerous, Hermione. – He said.
- I'm sure it's a risk worth taking. –
- We won't be able to stand it. You and him. It just can't happen. –
- You'll have to. It's my life, and I want him. I choose him. –
- Then that's it. – They all concluded. And that was it.
They left me there all by myself. So I went to fetch the reason my friends and I have broken up. And there he was that night, cleaning my tears from my cheeks, and kissing them before they fell. I cried myself to sleep for months after that, but my friends didn't come back to me. Neither did I.
End of the flashback
I didn't regret my decision then, and I still don't. Not even now that I know he's a deatheater. I love him, and that's all I am capable of feeling. With that wonderful idea in my head, I finally fall asleep.
And so I woke up a few hours later, and I am told that Dumbledore has been murdered. How? Snape threw him the death spell. Who set him the trap? Draco Malfoy. And guess what? Not even now, with hate running through my veins, I am able to stop loving him and I am not even embarrassed or something. He may have sentenced our headmaster to death, but that doesn't change the truth. He's mine. And I'm his.