Time is an incredible thing.
It goes forward and you have no choice but to go with it. You have to move on. And we did.
After all that we've been through we managed to start our lives from the new page. Page that had more laughs and smiled, happy days that turned into weeks and then into months. Page that was filled with light and hope.
As years go by wounds heal. Some of them leave scars, but even scars fade away. Just like memories.
Only my memories don't fade.
I remember the power I had. The power I lost.
I remember it rushing through me, filling me. I remember being a star.
I remember the warmth on my skin.
I remember his lips on my skin, his name on my lips. The secret were share. The secret I still keep.
Four years have passed since the Shadow Fold was destroyed. I love Keramzin and the kids. But sometimes they are getting on my nerves. Like today for example.
Pavel and Ivan had a fight. Of course Pavel won. He took medallion that Ivan was always carrying with him as a reminder of his mother and threw it under one of the beds in the dormitory. I order everyone out and begin the search. The sky is cloudy so I don't have enough light. And in the moments like this my memories come back to life again and again.
But today it's different. It's not just a memory. There is something else. A feeling I almost recognize. A feeling of freedom, a memory of being whole again. And I grasp for it.
Suddenly I feel the power filling me. MY POWER. And I embrace it.
The small ray of light appears under the bed and I realize it comes from my palm. I smile.
I'm whole again.
I don't tell Mal that I have my power back. Quickly I realize that I have all the power I had with the amplifiers. Now it's all mine without them. How can I tell him that? What will it mean for us? For our future?
I summon the light when nobody can see me and it makes me stronger, invulnerable, infinite.
One day while I'm laying alone on the grass the in meadow I decide to try something. I close my eyes and concentrate. I dig deep inside of me and try to find it. Something destroyed, broken, almost forgotten.
Almost.
It's still there, but in ruins.
Our bond.
I reach for it, but feel nothing. No, I feel emptiness. What did I expect? He is dead. You can't be connected to someone dead.
"Aleksander…" I whisper as I wrap my light around the bond.
To my surprise something happens and I stop.
I stop using my power for 4 months after that. I'm terrified that what I felt means that he is alive. I'm even more terrified that he is not. But I need to know the truth. I want to feel it again. And the problem with wanting is that…
"…it makes us weak." I hear his voice in my memories.
And I can't resist.
One evening when Mal is in Os Alta and the children are already in bed I let myself find it again. The invisible tether that connects us. I can feel my power rushing trough me, trying to get past the broken bond.
The darkness surrounds me and when it disappears I'm somewhere else. Everything is blurry, but I can see where the light comes from. That has to be a window, because through it I can see something green and blue. But there is nobody in the room.
Is it even possible that he is alive? Or I had just connected myself with somebody else.
I hear noises and turn around. At the same moment the door that was right behind me opens and he bumps into me. I gasp as my hands touch his bare chest and our eyes meet. I realize that this door leads to the bathroom. He has his pants on, but his hair is still wet and he holds a towel in one hand. Realization that I missed him hits me so hard that I can hardly breath.
I see so many emotions on his face. Shock, confusion, curiosity and something else… Is it hope? But he takes them under control pretty fast and his face shutters. None of us moves or says anything. My eyes drop to my hands that are still resting on his chest and just above my right hand I see a scar. A scar that I left with a blade wrapped in shadows. A scar that could never be healed completely. It will never fade. Without thinking I move my hand and trace it with my fingers. I feel as he tenses and takes a deep breath.
"How is this possible?" I say barely above whisper. I decide to remove my hands, but instead I slide them down his chest, his flat stomach and remove them only when I reach the belt of his pants. I need to feel him. I need to be sure that this is real.
I look up and realize that he is angry. He gently pushes me out of his way and goes to another side of the room.
"Better tell me how is this possible?" he asks as he puts on a white shirt. He doesn't want to be half-naked if front of me. It makes him more vulnerable, but it also makes my heart beat faster.
"You never considered that I might get my power back?" I ask, but I know he wants the answer to another question.
"That I did. What I didn't expect is that you will use you power to restore the connection between us, that you will use this bond and come here" he responds in his cool voice. The voice that once whispered his name into my ear. His eyes study my face and I think he is trying to see the answer to his question. But this is impossible, because I don't know it.
"Where here?" I ask.
He looks at me for another second and walks to the window. The window frame comes in focus as he places his hands on the window sill, but I still can't see the street. I should leave, but I can't. Instead I slowly approach him and after brief hesitation put my hand on top of his. Everything comes into focus.
I see a small square with a fountain in the center. Around it there are trees that I've never seen before and colorful flowers. In the distance I can distinguish stairs that lead to the boardwalk. The sun is playing on the water and people are strolling along the riverbank in their elegant summer dresses. This place is beautiful. I have a feeling that this city doesn't have any problems at all. It's so peaceful and perfect. Like heaven. Maybe I am in heaven? The Darkling is supposed to be dead. But then… I doubt he will go to heaven.
"Why are you here, Alina?" his voice brings me back to reality.
I'm so confused and tired of lies that I just say, "I don't know."
He doesn't like the answer, because he removes his hand and everything becomes blurry again.
"At least this didn't change" he says and I see a sad smile on his lips. "You never knew what you wanted. You blindly followed the others, trying to convince yourself that what they wanted from you was the same thing you wanted."
"I didn't blindly follow you" I retort.
"You didn't. And yet here you are…" he trails off.
He is looking at me expectantly with his beautiful gray eyes, still waiting for the answer. I realize that there is something different about him. His eyes. The yawning abyss of eternity that I saw there, the emptiness that was always in his mothers eyes, is gone. His eyes still shimmer like quartz, but I can see life in them. As if part of the burden that he was carrying with him for so many years was gone together with the Shadow Fold and merzost. As if the darkness that was consuming him disappeared.
This man in front of me isn't the Darkling. It's Aleksander.
My silence lasts for too long. He sighs and turns to leave, but I grasp his wrist.
"Aleksander…"
I feel as he tenses, hesitates, but turns around and looks at me. He is waiting.
"Don't let me be alone." Only when the words leave my mouth I realize that these are the same words I heard from him four years ago in the Shadow Fold. His last words to me.
His face is impossible to read, so I just stay there petrified. Waiting for him to say something. He stays silent and makes one step towards me. He is close, but not close enough. Never before he hesitated to approach me, to touch me, to push me against his body. Things are different now. Our past mistakes and memories are like an invisible barrier that separates us. In that moment I understand that he is not going to push me anymore. He wants me to make my own decision. And I make it with one small step. Our bodies touch and I put my head on his shoulder. He sighs and lets his cheek rest on my head.
And the future doesn't scare me anymore.
Because I'm not alone and I will never be.