Lonely
"Do you want to stay strapped to this bed?" Jiraiya asked. Kakashi didn't respond, he never did anymore. He simply stared out window. Jiraiya sighed at the lack of response. Kakashi's been in the hospital for three months now and was showing no improvement. Physically, he was healthy, but Jiraiya feared for his mental state. Not only had he been tortured and keep in captivity for a month, he had watched Rin get tortured and killed as well, along with the rest of his team. When he was first admitted he was restricted to bed rest and simply started at the ceiling, but after he was able to function, that's where this disaster began. He began to lash out at anyone that tried to help, going from punching to breaking arms. He landed Asuma in the hospital with a broken wrist. Jiraiya was the only one who knew how to control him, but now he didn't need to restrain him. Kakashi suddenly stopped fighting and locked himself away in his mind. Now, he spent his days just staring, wrists strapped to the bed to keep him from running.
He's been like this for a month and Jiraiya's had enough. He stood up and unstrapped Kakashi.
"Get up," he said as he grabbed Kakashi's right wrist. Kakashi's eye, his sharingan wrapped in bandages to keep him from using, met Jiraiya's. Jiraiya gulped when he saw how hollow they were. Kakashi slowly swung his legs over the side and stood up, only to stumble back on the bed. Jiraiya knelt down in front of Kakashi.
"Get on." Kakashi reluctantly got onto the older mans back. Jiraiya was uncomfortable on how light the male was. He left the hospital and told the nurses at the desk he was bringing him out for some fresh air. Luckily it was night, so the streets were deserted.
"Where are we going?" came the hoarse voice of Kakashi, a voice that hasn't been used in weeks.
Jiraiya didn't answer and kept walking. He stopped in a large clearing, surrounded by trees.
"Can you stand?" Jiraiya asked as he slowly let Kakashi down. Kakashi stood next Jiraiya and looked around, unsure of what to do.
"Minato used to come here whenever a mission didn't "go as planned." Jiraiya said and he noticed Kakashi tense up. "I don't exactly now what he did here, but he found comfort here. Maybe you will, too," he said as he walked over to a tree and sat down leaning against it. Kakashi looked up into the sky and began to speak.
"I feel so alone. When I walk around the village and see families, people with friends, I feel this gap in my heart. I just......... It hurts. I want the pain to go away, but I know if I get close to someone, they'll get killed. Even so, I still yearn for that feeling. That feeling to be wanted. To know someone waiting to see you when you get back. To know, that someone will miss you when you die. It's like if I die, no one will notice," tears were streaming down his face. "I shouldn't be alive. I should've died on that mission!" Jiraiya got up and walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him.
"You're not alone Kakashi. There are people here, waiting for you. Gai, Asuma, Kurenai, they've all been asking me how you were, when you were going to be released. Don't push them away because you're afraid of losing them, they're strong. You don't have to suffer alone, let them know what you're feeling, that you're hurting. It hurts me to see you like this, in this much pain."
Jiraiya wasn't sure how long they stood there.
"I'm sorry," Kakashi mumbled into Jiraiya's shirt.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said. He could feel Kakashi getting weak, so he scooped the man into his arms. Kakashi's eyes were half closed. They walked back silently to the hospital. He placed Kakashi back on the bed and covered him with the sheets.
"Jiraiya?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think that......maybe..." but Kakashi had fallen asleep. Jiraiya didn't know what Kakashi was going to say. He looked down at Kakashi and whispered in his ear. "Sleep well," and left.
The next morning Jiraiya leaned against the bridge and watched the water.
"Jiraiya-sama!" he heard his name be called, he looked towards the source. He couldn't help but widened his eyes slightly. Kakashi walked towards him, in complete jonin outfit, mask down and headband in hand.
"W-what's this?" he asked. Kakashi leaned on the bridge next to Jiraiya.
"I resigned from ANBU," he said in a low voice.
"Really? The old man let you go that easily?" Kakashi chuckled and Jiraiya smiled, it was nice to hear that.
"The Hokage's been trying to get me outta there from the moment I signed up."
"So what're you doing now?" Jiraiya asked.
"Well," Kakashi looked down into the water and smiled. "I'm a genin teacher now," he said.
Jiraiya laughed. "You working with kids? This'll be interesting."
"Yeah, it will."
They stayed in silence for a while, listening to the wind and the birds.
"Jiraiya....."
"Hn?"
"............thank you," Kakashi said.
Jiraiya smiled. "Looks like you gotta go," he said. Kakashi didn't know what he meant until he heard his name called. He turned around and saw Asuma, Kurenai, and Gai waving at him.
"Well, see you later," Kakashi said as he went to leave but Jiraiya caught his arm.
"One moment," Jiraiya said as he reached into his shirt and pulled out an orange book and handed it to Kakashi. "Here." Kakashi took it reluctantly.
"Um, what's this?" Kakashi asked as he read the title, "Icha Icha Paradise?"
"It's a book I wrote, I plan to get it published," Jiraiya said with a smile.
"You wrote a book?" Kakashi said sarcastically.
"Just read it and tell me what you think!" Jiraiya said as he crossed his arms.
"Sure, sure," Kakashi said as he put the book in his back pocket. "Bye." Kakashi said as he walked towards the small group waiting for him.
Jiraiya smiled as he watched the group leave. He had done all he could for Kakashi, then rest was up to him.
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I was listening to this .com/watch?v=KxoM2U48Tis on my iTunes when I wrote the part when Kakashi was speaking. It's from the Naruto Shippuden OST, I was also listening to the one after this which is like a continuation, but I couldn't find it online.