A steady tremor made her hold on the doorknob weak at best. Her fingers gripped the bolt lock above it, making sure it was secure even though she already knew it was. The carpet was soft under her bare feet, but she felt anxious, prickling needles across her skin.
"I don't want to see you," Y/N muttered, just loud enough to be heard through the wood in front of her. Thin walls were always a problem in her apartment building. Somehow, she managed to keep the tremor out of her voice. Luckily, he couldn't see the pain making her face scrunch up. It would have given away the very frail support behind her declaration.
"Sweetheart please. Can we just talk for a minute?" His reply bled with a tint of desperation. Even the muffled sound of his voice made her heart lurch. Made her want to unlock the door. She couldn't unlock the door. She should never let him in again.
It had been a month. An agonizing month that dragged on longer than it should have been allowed. Filled with rejecting his calls. Sleeping, alone, at her apartment again. Not very successfully, it felt like the first time all over again. She had forgotten how to have a too-big of a bed all to herself. To not have someone to fight for the covers with.
Harsher than she meant to be, she snapped, "There's nothing to talk about." The severity came from a place of hurt. A place that ate away at her insides. Had slowly been dissolving her will for a year now. It left behind a barely-there person. Someone she didn't want to be. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if to block him out. Even on the other side of her door was too close.
"Bullshit." Bucky's voice trembled over the word. It was too high. Too rough. He whispered her name with so much ache that she had to swallow past the pain in her throat. A soft thump vibrated through the door. She imagined his forehead leaning against the wood. Naturally, her own fell against the same spot. Her hands dropped from the doorknob and lock, and ran against the wood, trying to draw strength from its unyielding hold.
This was the closest she had been near him since she ended it all.
Gave up on their world.
"Buck, I can't. I can't watch you destroy yourself. I won't do it." Y/N stated, a heavy exhaustion coating the sentence. Her shoulders slumped forward as she stared down at her feet. The blue paint on her toes was starting to chip.
"I'm not. I'm not hurting myself." She shook her head and all the other times he had promised that flitted through her mind. Like a worn, skipping CD. Exhausted, she was sick of this song. Sick of this conversation. Sick of wailing her fists against his stubborn pride and screaming at him until her voice died out.
"That's a goddamn lie, and you know it. Those are suicide missions. Taking all those Hydra bases by yourself." Her fists curled against the door and she had the sudden urge to hit it too. Maybe release some of her frustration. She felt hot and cold all at once. The thin, knit sweater over her arms was too constricting and heavy. She couldn't breathe. Couldn't get enough air. But the plain black shorts and tank top under it let cold bite at her bones. Let it freeze up what was left of her soul and made a home in the cavern behind her ribs.
Suicide missions. Weeks of radio silence. Not knowing if he was dead, or worse, captured and alive. Back in the chair. Forgetting all about her waiting at home. Always waiting for him to come back. Worried about what state he would come back in. Would he be hurt? Would he be that emotionless shell of a man she had helped him grow back from?
Not knowing was the worst sort of torture.
Maybe Y/N should be more used to sleeping alone than she was. She had done it for more than half of their relationship.
"I have to fix it. You told me you got that." Bucky protested, a bite of anger renewing life in his words. They pressed at her. Jabbed at her and buzzed through her head like angry wasps. Her jaw tightened, and she ground her teeth to keep from screaming in frustration.
Taking a quick breath, she let it out and hit her fist against the door once. Weaker than she wanted it to be, but too tired for much else, "Not like this."
When Bucky told her that he needed to redeem himself, almost a year ago now, she thought he meant by joining the Avengers. Steve had been pestering him to join up since he got his head back on straight. It seemed like a logical step. But then he didn't.
Instead, he went solo. Refused any shred of help or backup. Started saving people from Hydra's cells. People that the Winter Soldier had helped capture in the first place. Became a one man show. Helped a lot of people.
But came home bloody and crawling every time.
No one should do everything alone. Not even the White Wolf.
"This is my fight." The frustration drained out of him and she could hear Bucky's hand drag across the wood. As if searching for her hands on the other side. Trying to touch her through the door.
This wasn't the first time they had this argument. It was the first time she honestly stated, "Ya, your fight. I don't think there's any room for me left in there."
Y/N couldn't sit there and watch him burn up in his revenge. Sure, she didn't want to leave either, but it wasn't just a matter of wanting. She couldn't do it. Seeing him destroy himself ruined her right along with him. Every nightmare, panic attack, and tear could be linked back to him. Y/N didn't blame him for her mental state. Not really. It was her choice to stay with him despite how much it hurt her. Now, it was up to her to let it go. To walk away for her own sake. To take care of herself.
"I need you." Bucky whispered so sweetly, and vulnerably honest that she almost opened her door. Her hand dropped back down to the bolt lock but then she caught herself. He repeated her name, and his voice cracked over it. As if it was hard for him to say.
Tears burned her eyes and the back of her throat. Some slipped out, leaving tracks behind as they dripped to her stained carpet, "I won't help you kill yourself." Y/N replied, swallowing the thick lump in her throat. There was no doubt in her mind that he knew she was crying. It didn't matter anyway.
When they met, she didn't know who he was. Had no clue, and she didn't care. She was spending her year studying abroad in Bucharest, Romania for her medical degree. Bucky lived on the floor of the apartment building she was staying in and they talked sometimes when she caught him in the communal laundry room. It was nice to talk to someone fluent in English. Then she stitched him up when he came stumbling down the hallway covered in blood for mysterious reasons he wouldn't tell her.
And, when her study abroad ended, and she had to move back to Queens, New York, he came with her.
It had meant a lot to her back then. For Bucky to leave everything behind. After she realized the truth of how risky it was for him, it meant even more to her.
They dated for several months before he was accused of being a terrorist. Accused of bombing the Vienna International Centre in Austria. That was when she finally met the Winter Soldier. He left her to protect her then. Now he was begging her to stay. Stay while he slowly killed her himself.
Bucky didn't reply. Heavy silence filled up the space between them and she stepped away from the door. Sniffling, she cleared her throat and stated as firmly as she could, "You should leave."
Y/N turned her back to the door and made her way into the living room. She just wanted to go collapse back into bed. Hide under her covers, and sleep until the acute ache in her heart abated. Maybe then, she could function again.
It was dark outside. Bucky had showed up late, close to 10pm. She had work in the morning. Had to feel human again so that she could be compassionate to her patients. Pausing near the entryway, Y/N flicked off the main overhead light. That left only the soft light of her lamp glowing in the dark. All of her curtains were drawn, blocking out the city lights.
Just past her couch, she froze, and heard the door swing open. Exasperated, she turned and threw her hands up, "Really? Seriously?" Y/N's eyes narrowed at him in a watery glare. There were still tears fighting to get out and her face was flushed.
Quietly, he shut the door behind him and bolted it back. Then he silently stepped towards her, hands out in a placating gesture. Trying to appear unthreatening despite his broad stature and ruffled appearance. Bucky hadn't shaved in a while, probably hadn't slept even longer. His hair was tugged back in a semblance of a messy-bun, wild strands falling around his face.
He was still beautiful.
"Bucky, I want you to leave!" She pointed angrily at the door, stepping to the side to keep her plush leather couch between them. Frustrated, she scrubbed at the tears in her eyes and tugged at her sweater, closing it and crossing her arms.
He dropped his lock-pick kit to the ground unceremoniously. It mutedly thumped against the carpet and he stepped forward, closer to the couch. Bucky laid his hands on the back of it and leaned his weight against it, leaned towards her.
"I love you." There was no room for doubt in his declaration. His conviction burned in his blue eyes and the firm set of his jaw. He squeezed the back of the couch, using it to steady himself. Air stilled in her lungs and stuttered out as she tried to remember exactly how to breathe.
Still, her eyes rounded in surprise and she paused. Mouth opening and closing a couple times before she shook her head. She had to have heard him wrong, "What?"
In all their time together. Despite everything they had been through, Bucky had never said that before. Y/N said it. All the time, despite his refusal to say it back. It wasn't like he ever said he didn't love her. That he didn't care deeply for her. He just, didn't say those words.
Of course, he showed her how much she meant to him in his actions. Buck's actions spoke volumes for how much he adored her. She had learned to take comfort in that and pushed aside her insecurities over it. They were just words.
"I love you." Bucky repeated, voice not losing a bit of its sincerity. Tears made the rims of his eyes red. Made his cheeks flushed and the zippers on his leather jacket jingled as he stood up straight. He slowly walked towards his left, moving to go around the couch. Unable to stop herself, she paced the opposite direction, still trying to keep space between them.
Inevitably, it felt like her heart was breaking all over again, "Bucky…" She hiccupped a sob, "That doesn't," Y/N kept shaking her head, denying everything. Denying his words. Denying the longing inside of her. Just wanted it all to stop. She didn't want to deal with this. Distressed, she swallowed, "This doesn't change anything."
"It does for me." He argued, finally standing on the other side of the couch. Her hip hit the table beside the couch's armrest, nearly knocking over her lamp. She caught it just in time. The light shook, making all the shadows in her room jerk and sway. Then she started to back away towards the wall. The wall that led into the dark hallway towards her bedroom.
At her answering silence, he continued, "Without you it feels like I can't breathe. Like I'm not even alive." Bucky gestured towards himself, still advancing on her one step at a time. Drawn towards her like she was the sun and he was Icarus. Ironically, she felt like the one made of wax. Melting under the intensity of his fire.
Unable to do anything else, she shook her head. Then her back hit the wall behind her and she clenched her fists at her sides. She couldn't back away any further, so she took a challenging step forward, "This won't work," Y/N waved a hand violently between the two of them, "Loving me doesn't change a damn thing! It doesn't change your obsession with Hydra! With fighting them! With proving to yourself that you're a good man!"
In all the time they spent together, she never doubted he was a good man.
Whether he was the mysterious stranger she met in Romania, the newly uncovered Winter Soldier, or simply Bucky Barnes, Y/N always knew he was a good man.
Bucky just wouldn't believe it for himself.
Tears snuck down his cheeks and his shoulders trembled. He was just a couple feet from her now. His palms were opened up in surrender, and Bucky hung his head, eyes squeezed tightly shut, "I don't want to lose you." He admitted through gritted teeth, trying to keep his words steady. His blue eyes opened again, and he stared determinedly at her, "I'm a good man when I'm with you. I'm sorry that I'm such an idiot."
Bucky took another step closer and she held up her hands. Y/N could feel his body heat against her palms, a hair of space kept her from touching him. He respected that space and held himself back. His jacket was open, a rumpled retro style t-shirt underneath it. She had bought him that shirt for one of their first anniversaries. Back when they celebrated it monthly. Breathless, he continued, "Sorry it took me so long to realize it."
She was sobbing. One hand stretched out to keep him from getting any closer, the other pressed to her mouth. Sucking in a breath, a bubble of hysterical laughter escaped her, "So what? You're telling me you can't live without me? But you love me, so it makes it all ok now?" She glared, "That I should just be happy and forgive you?" Rolling her eyes she jabbed a finger into his chest and he stepped back, lips in a fine line, "Well screw that!"
Y/N took in another breath, trying to calm herself down even as her voice rose higher. Her oversized sweater fell off her shoulders and down to her elbows as her finger accusingly pointed at him. She took a step forward, making him step back now, and continued, "You hurt me. Left me alone. Took your anger out on me. Didn't care that if you died—" Her voice cracked, and she had to take in another harsh lungful of air. It still felt like she couldn't breathe. She was standing in front of him, her fist hit his chest. Not hard enough to hurt, but her anger died away with the blow, "I-If you died. It would kill me too." She was whispering now.
Bucky was quiet until she was all out of things to say. All out of poisonous rage. Then he caught her wrists and brought her hands up to kiss them, "I know it doesn't. You shouldn't forgive me until I deserve it. I just…" He huffed a sigh, thumbs stroking her hands and she couldn't bring herself to pull away, "I just wanted to tell you. To say it once before," Bucky looked away from her face and down at their hands "Before it was too late."
Another beat of silence passed where they stared at each other. Then Bucky let go of her hands but didn't move away. His hand came up to cup her cheek and he brushed away her drying tears, "I can live without you sweetheart. I just don't want to."
Those words relieved some of the pressure she felt. No one ever realized how overwhelming it could be when you were the only reason someone lived. It wasn't as romantic as people thought. His hand was so warm that it chased away some of the cold. Melted some of the ice clinging to her ribs and turned it to liquid sunshine.
Bucky started to withdraw his hand. Started to pull back. But she stopped him with a hand over his, keeping his touch as she nuzzled into his palm. He froze, surprised and his shinning eyes met hers, "Say it again." Y/N whispered.
"I love you." Bucky replied, easy as breathing, words just as soft. There was a hesitant glimmer of hope in his face and he bit his bottom lip, studying her face.
"Again." Y/N took a step back, taking him with her, until her back could rest against the wall. Her knees felt weak when he looked at her like that. Reaching up, her hand pressed to his cheek and he nuzzled into her touch in return. Almost starved for it, a whine caught in his throat. She could feel his shuddering breath against her palm.
"I love you so much." Their noses brushed, and her eyes fell close just as his did. When he breathed out, she took a breath in. His foot slid between hers, alternating their legs and slotting their bodies closer together.
"How much?" Her lips touched his and he could feel her form the words.
Bucky's mouth claimed hers. Unable to wait any longer and she whimpered softly. It never occurred to her how much she missed kissing him until she tasted him again.
His weight gently pushed against her body, securely propping her against the wall. Bucky held her to him with his hands on her cheeks. Then down her neck and up into her hair. His lips tasted like salt and she didn't know whose tears dripped onto her tongue. She licked away the salt from his lips and tilted her head to deepen the kiss. Kissing Bucky made her come alive again. Like a flower blooming through ice. Reluctantly, Bucky pulled back after a minute or maybe three. Both were breathless. His soft, tender smile made her heart ricochet against her ribs, shocked back to life.
"So much." He answered, it took her a couple seconds to realize what he was answering. Head in a pleasant fog. He kissed her forehead, lingering there for a minute, "So much, that I promise I'm done. Done with revenge. Done with it all."
"If I stay with you." Y/N assumed, disappointed. It felt like a threat. If he only stopped because of her, and she didn't stay, she would feel so guilty if he died on one of those missions. Bucky tilted her chin up, so she would look at him, and shook his head.
"Whether you're in my life or not," He assured, "I want to be a good man and that'll never happen if I keep trying to do it alone. I'm not going to do that anymore. You're right. You're always right." Bucky smiled fondly and kissed her cheek. His scruff tickled her skin and was one of the many things making her smile.
"Glad you finally noticed." She teased and brushed back some strands of his hair out of his eyes, "You don't need to prove anything to anyone." A smile curled up her lips and she felt light for the first time in a very long time, "I love you." Y/N admitted. She never thought she would say it to him again. It was such a relief to be wrong.
Bucky smiled wider and leaned his forehead against hers, and then moved down to nuzzle her cheek, "I'm sorry."
Y/N didn't need him to apologize anymore. Forgiveness would come slowly, but she knew it would come eventually. As he built back their trust and proved to her that he meant what he said. And that was ok. So, she pressed her lips to his ear and bit gently on his earlobe, "Say it again."
Bucky groaned and kissed across her skin, biting the juncture of her neck and shoulder. She moaned when it stung and then he licked at the pink mark, "God I love you." The words were almost sinful in the way they came out of his mouth. He brushed his hands across her bare shoulders and down her arms, making her sweater fall to the floor. Left in only a tank top and tight shorts, his eyes appreciatively roamed her body.
Almost like he was seeing her for the first time.
Standing up on her tiptoes, she bit his jaw and smirked deviously when he shivered. Then felt up his strong chest, shoving his jacket down to the floor in return. Bucky touched her skin under her shirt, the fingers of his right-hand were hot and rough. In contrast, the ones on his left were cold and hard. They were gentle, though, always gentle.
Heat built up in her like a tightening bowstring. Y/N untangled his hair from the hairband, slipping it on her wrist for safe keeping. Then tugged at his soft brown hair, hard. Bucky gasped and groaned her name, hands running down her back to jerk her hips against his, "Show me." She demanded, almost a plea.
Bucky stared down at her, and despite the obvious need pressing against her, he sweetly whispered, "Always."