At first, Cosima hadn't wanted to go looking for a new relationship. But as she sat at the bar laughing and talking with Shay in between sips of their drinks, she had to admit to herself that it would be nice to have someone to seek comfort in, in the midst of everything else going on. Someone who was removed from the insanity that had become her life and she could just chill out and talk about regular stuff with – for example, where she grew up or what her favourite movie was, instead of about locating the original genome or decrypting Visionaire ciphers. Meeting someone who she felt as connected to as Shay had been a wonderful turn of events, especially given Cosima's initial hesitancy about putting herself back out there.
Although Felix had good intentions, Cosima had gently shut down every single one of his persistent attempts to get her to join the world of online dating. It just wasn't her style, she told him. Cosima wanted to give her heart to someone she naturally formed an emotional bond with, not just go swiping an app left and right in search of a hot hookup. Besides, even though she refused to admit it to anyone, there was in fact a piece of her heart that still longed for Delphine. Pined for her, even.
Delphine. Her ex-girlfriend's abrupt departure had caught her entirely off guard and left her mind reeling with questions. Delphine had swept into Cosima's life like a whirlwind, a flurry of wide eyes and golden curls that made her heart skip a beat while her thoughts raced with infinite possibilities, and she had left in very much the same way. Except this time, the whirlwind that had once been so beautiful and exciting to behold had turned into a hurricane without warning – and Cosima's heart had been caught in the eye of the storm, leaving it ravaged in the aftermath. And all it had taken to cause such destruction was one simple sentence. But to do that, I can't do this. The words had played over and over in her mind after Delphine had gone, feeling like a punch in the gut every time she recalled their last conversation.
Even though she acted coolly unaffected by their breakup, Cosima was hurting inside. As much as she hated to admit it, maybe Felix had a point. Maybe meeting someone new would be good for her. When the two of them got back to Felix's loft that night, Cosima pulled out her phone. It could have been due to having one too many drinks, but she finally caved, deciding she would give this online dating thing a try after all. After downloading the app for Sapphire – which Felix had told her was the hottest LGBTQ dating app of the moment – Cosima signed up for an account. After selecting the preferred gender of her potential date (women), and uploading a photo of herself (she decided on a selfie she'd taken a few months ago), all that was left to do was to type a few sentences about herself. She thought about what to say for a moment and stared at the screen, which had become somewhat blurry due to her drunken state. I'm super chill and looking for someone to have a fun time with. I totally love science! I'm also into electronica, dorking out over things, and getting hella baked, Cosima finally typed. Then she hit the "sign up" button. As her completed profile appeared on the screen she grinned, tongue poking through her teeth. Now, she just needed to find someone who she could maybe see herself with. An app didn't have to decide who she loved - that was what her heart was for. But maybe it could provide a welcome distraction and help take her mind off of things for a while.
When Cosima awoke the next morning, bleary-eyed and a little hungover, she was surprised to notice her phone vibrating. She reached over to grab it and squinted at the brightly lit screen. It was an app notification from Sapphire. Someone had messaged her, interested in a potential date! Cosima opened the app and saw that the person in question was a woman named Shay, who happened to be right around her age.
She had long blonde hair with bangs, and a bright smile. Her profile description was fairly simple: Free spirit. Nature lover. Wanderer. Looking for someone in tune with their inner being. She struck Cosima as someone not unlike some of the people she'd grown up around in San Francisco, laidback hippie-types who wore beaded necklaces with peace signs and braided flowers into their hair. Cosima had to admit, she enjoyed being around people with that kind of chill vibe. Plus, Shay was definitely attractive and Cosima found herself intrigued by the way she had described herself, wanting to know more about her. Okay, why not?she thought to herself, tapping the Reply button.
That's how Cosima found herself sitting across from Shay at Bobby's Bar, talking animatedly with hands that flew all over the place while Shay looked at her, eyes bright with interest and smiling affectionately. Even though the two of them had their fair share of differences, they also had a lot in common. For instance, Shay's favourite city was Barcelona, somewhere that Cosima had always wanted to travel to. And her passion for the spiritual and holistic world seemed to match Cosima's fervor for science. By the end of the night, Cosima had found herself entranced by Shay, feeling happy and lighthearted in her presence. Still, the ever-present ache of Delphine lingered in the back of her mind. Tender cheek kisses and stolen wine bottles and entwined hands and puffs of cigarette smoke and the way her heart swelled when she said her name.
Cosima.
The first time it escaped Delphine's lips, Cosima had felt as if she was rediscovering it herself, hearing something so familiar, so uniquely hers, in a foreign tongue.
Bonjour, Cosima.
The way Delphine said her name breathed new life into its very essence. But that was in the past. Cosima did her best to shut out the memories - memories that were once so sweet to recall and now only had a bitter aftertaste.
Once Cosima and Shay had finished paying for their drinks, Cosima got up and put on her coat.
"Hey, uh, do you have anything planned tomorrow?" she asked, turning to face her date.
"Well it depends, what were you thinking?"
"I had fun with you tonight and I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come over to my place… we could like, chill and stuff. And you could tell me more about this 'spiritual healing'… I mean, if you want to."
Shay rested her hand on her chin, a contemplative look on her face as she thought the offer over.
"Okay, sure. I'm in!"
"Wow, really?"
Shay nodded.
"I had fun with you too."
"Okay…cool… do you have a pen? Then I can write my address down."
Shay smiled, and pulled a pen out from her satchel. Cosima scrawled the address to Felix's loft down on a napkin and handed it to her.
"Okay! There you go. So tomorrow then?"
"Yeah - sounds good to me!"
Cosima beamed. The night had gone much better than she had expected it would. Shay was cute and even prettier than her profile picture. She seemed caring, insightful, and had a great sense of humour. Definitely a girl she wouldn't mind spending more time with.
I'm not letting an app decide who I love, she thought to herself. But I like her.
Shay showed up at the front entrance to Felix's loft the following night, knocking to make her presence known. Having been expecting her company, Cosima removed the screwdriver that served as a makeshift latch and slid open the door. She smiled when she saw Shay standing outside.
"Hey, you're here!"
Cosima ushered Shay inside and walked over to the couch, sitting down on it. Delphine's fluffy white sweater was still draped over the back, looking entirely out of place in such an urbane environment. All it made her think of now was uneaten Eskimo Pies and empty promises. It still smelled like Delphine, too. If she hugged it to her chest and closed her eyes, Cosima could almost feel Delphine's warm embrace. She had felt so safe in her arms, so protected.
Cosima sighed. She couldn't keep thinking of Delphine - not with Shay here. Shay joined her on the couch and the two of them looked at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do or say. Cosima didn't want to do anything that could ruin this potentially beautiful new relationship. Much to her relief, Shay broke the silence.
"Oh, I brought something to show you," she said, digging around in her satchel. She pulled out a few small candles - each one, Cosima noticed, was a different colour - and a lighter. Shay placed the candles on the floor in a square formation. Then she sat down in front of them, beckoning for Cosima to join her. Cosima eyed the setup curiously.
"Oooh, candles. How romantic." she said, joining Shay on the floor.
Shay laughed.
"Last night you said you were interested in learning more about this spiritual healing stuff, so I thought I could show you!"
Cosima was intrigued. "Yeah, okay... sure!"
"These candles are something I like to use for meditation," Shay explained. "It's this technique we call colour therapy; see, each colour vibrates at a unique frequency. The colour you choose can influence how your chakras and auras balance, and even protect you from negative thoughts."
"Wow. So what do these colours mean?"
"Okay. White represents unification, peace and comfort. "Yellow is for happiness, meditation, communication, and healing." Cosima watched Shay light each candle as she described its frequency. "Red symbolizes passion, and strength. It cleanses the root chakra. Oh and you know what else it's for?"
"No clue, sorry." Cosima said, giving an apologetic shrug.
"It also represents love." Shay winked at Cosima. Cosima felt her cheeks heat up a little.
"And finally, black," Shay said as she lit the last candle, "is the most powerful frequency. It absorbs negative energy and replaces it with tranquility. This one is especially useful for people who are going through a difficult time in their personal or professional relationships."
Cosima's mind once again turned to thoughts of Delphine. She was supposed to be there with her, comforting and reassuring her when she needed it most. Working alongside her in the lab to find a cure for her and her sisters. Instead, she had gone off to another country, leaving a void in her heart. Why did life have to take away the best thing she'd had in what felt like forever? It wasn't fair.
"Hey, are you okay?" Shay asked.
Cosima snapped out of her brief reverie and back into reality. Shay sat across from her, a look of concern on her face.
"Yeah, I'm good! I guess all this zen stuff just kind of tripped me out." She laughed, hoping Shay couldn't detect the real reason behind her change of behavior. Cosima was here with her so that she could move forward, allowing herself to be open to the possibility of finding new love. All that keeping her train of thought circling back to Delphine would do was keep her stuck in the past. Shay was the here and now, a whole new set of what ifs and maybes to be explored. Where they would take her, Cosima wasn't sure - but she was willing to find out.
The two of them sat on the floor for hours, sharing their life's passions with one another. Cosima listened intently as Shay told her all about the different auras and chakras associated with spiritual healing, and Shay seemed equally interested in Cosima, asking why she had chosen to specialize in evolutionary development and about the meanings behind her tattoos.
Talking to Shay felt nice. It was warm and real, the kind of meaningful connection Cosima had been searching for. Even though she was new to the whole idea of spiritual healing, Cosima felt that Shay seemed to be surrounded by an aura of calmness. Being around her made Cosima feel relaxed and at peace with herself. Maybe this could work out after all, she thought to herself, looking at Shay in admiration.
Then, in a sudden and unexpected move, Shay leaned forward and kissed Cosima. Cosima closed her eyes, waiting for something to happen, something that would make her feel that spark of giddy excitement that was supposed to come. But it never did. Shay's kiss was just that, a kiss - nothing more.
When their lips parted, Cosima gently pulled away.
"I can't do this," she quietly said, unconsciously echoing the last words Delphine had said to her.
Shay stared at her for a moment with an unreadable expression, then got up to go collect her things. The only candle that still burned brightly in the dark of the loft was the red one, the one that stood for love and passion. Shay snuffed it with the end of her lighter and Cosima watched as it flickered out - along with her hopes of being in a relationship with Shay.
"I'm just gonna go."
Shay started walking to the door, but Cosima got up and stopped her.
"Look, I like you a lot, Shay, and spending time with you has been really great, but -"
"There's someone else, isn't there?"
Cosima was taken aback by the question. She fumbled for the right words to answer with, but they didn't seem to come. Instead she simply nodded in response.
"Thought so," Shay said. She turned and continued walking.
"Wait, Shay... don't go." Cosima pleaded.
Shay looked back at her, confused. Not hurt or angry, just... confused.
"You want me to stay?"
"Yeah... I do."
Cosima took a deep breath.
"I've been... going through a lot of stuff and it - it would be really nice to have a friend to talk to. I mean we could still be friends, right?"
Shay thought about it for a minute, seeing the sincerity in Cosima's eyes.
"Yeah, I'd like that." she said with a smile. "You seem pretty chill."
Cosima smiled back.
"Ok cool, I guess we're officially friends then."
"So, who's the other woman?" Shay asked, walking over to the couch and sitting back down. "She must be quite something."
"Oh, she is."
A hint of a smile came to Cosima's lips as she went over to join Shay on the couch. Sitting there in the loft she had come to call home with her new friend, Cosima felt as if a little bit of weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Shay seemed like someone she could carve out a little piece of her world for, free from fear of judgement. And whether she wanted to admit it to or not, the feelings she had tried so hard to bottle up were beginning to spill out.
"Well, to start..."
Cosima paused, looking over at Shay.
"I'm listening," Shay reassured her, tilting her head in Cosima's direction.
Cosima took a deep breath.
"Her name's Delphine."