Right, I am actually so excited and nervous to post this. This NEW story will be mainly focused on eating disorders (trigger don't read it, if this affects you). Anyway I`m writing a story on an eating disorder because there are so few and Harry has had a childhood which could quite possibly stem into an eating disorder. So like the angsty person I am inside, I`m writing one. I have planned this story out and I know how it ends and I`d like to make it extremely aware that Harry won`t die because I am not cruel. This will be one of those cliché oh my god Lily and James aren't his parents stories and it will be about him gaining and losing control. I'm not going to spoil it anyway. if you like this first chapter check out my other story bitter truth and my followers are probably pissed at me for neglecting that and writing this. And the ordering on this story is slightly illogical so don't kill me its fanfiction may I remind you. So in this fiction Harry defeated Voldemort at the end of fourth year. I know this probably makes no sense but I wanted a fifteen year old Harry and not a eighteen year old one. So pretend for me that Umbridge (bitch) and the defeat of Voldemort was in fourth year even if it makes no sense and horcruxes don't exist in this. I've talked enough about that but this story isn't focused on Voldemort or any of that. Oh and Snape and Fred some how stayed alive because I'm still not over Fred`s death and Snape is needed in this story. Draco Malfoy is also two years older than Harry, so remember that. I hope I haven't exploded your heads . If you like my fic which I hope you do, leave a review a favourite or a follow. Thank you!
Disclaimer- I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter obviously.
Trigger Warning- Heavy mention of Eating disorders throughout although it will be diluted with sarcasm. Also lots of swearing so if you still have innocent ears pretend that it isn't there.
To be light
"Harry, get up" an annoying voice interrupts my dreamless sleep, for once.
I roll over undisturbed as I press my head into the too soft pillow as if to smother the memories but there still there. Still hanging over me ,Sirius is still dead as is Remus, Tonks, Mum, Dad and Cedric. And nothing I do is going to change that. If only that was possible I think bitterly. How is it that I can repel the Killing Curse but I can't even save the people who mattered to me. People who just mattered.
And my depressing thoughts are snatched away with the thick blanket as I reluctantly open one eye, to spot a flash of blurry red hair.
"I`m up" I declare reluctantly into my pillow as I fumble around for my glasses, placing them hurriedly on. I rub my forehead in habit as I quickly throw my robes on and adjust my tie. To only have two strong arms pushing me out of the dorms.
"What was that for? I haven't tamed my hair "I mutter sleepily as I stare into the redness that we call Gryffindor common room, oh and don't forget the gold although the chairs are pretty comfortable.
"Breakfast, I`m starving and your hair Harry is uncontrollable so don't give me that excuse" he replies back as he rushes down the stairs and I follow knowing internally not to get between Ron and his food, unless you`re Hermione then you probably have free reign.
We finally reach the great hall after too many stairs ,well that was what Ron said anyway. We slip into our normal seats as Ron fills his plate immediately to the brim with an enormous amount of food, nearly Dursley sized . I glance around the food filled table an uncomfortable feeling settling in my stomach for an unknown reason. Cautiously I pour myself a cup of tea with no sugar and grab a piece of unbuttered toast as the rhythmic stirring from the tea relaxes me, well only slightly.
I glance at Ron a feeling of disgust swells in my stomach as I think back to how the Dursley`s used to do that. They used to eat until there was nothing left, well nothing for Harry, anyway. The only difference being between that was the Dursley`s were overweight and Ron was not although that was because he exercised and he probably just had a great metabolism. I shiver internally at the thought of the Dursley`s as Ron picks up on my staring.
"What?" He asks with his mouth full of things I wouldn't dare look at but unfortunately for my blind eyes, I did.
I look down instantaneously.
"Don`t do that. You aren`t perfect either Harry I`ve watched you eat chocolate frog after chocolate frog and carry on" he states his eyes fixed on my stomach as I feel them burn into me, burn into my stomach. And guilt rises vaguely in my head and some thing similar to disgust also joins.
And it got worse. Much worse. If you can believe it.
A chuckle sounds from the other side of the table, I look up defiantly as I lock eyes with Seamus. Confusion flickers wildly through my face as he opens his mouth.
"Beware of the number of calories in chocolate frogs Harry, you don`t need to put on any more pounds" Seamus jokes with a small amused smile.
But it didn't sound like a joke to me.
Hesitantly I make eye contact with Ron as a laugh sounds from him he looks me up and down.
"C`mon we`re just joking Harry" he comments as Seamus chuckles and nods his head in amusement.
A laugh escapes my mouth that seems to fake. Too put on too be real.
Breakfast finished twenty minutes later and they forgot our `joking` conversation. I didn't that's the difference. And sadly there's always a difference.
Making up some lame excuse to Ron, something about forgetting a book I need for class and I think I added something about not wanting to meet Hermione's wrath . I rush back near the dormitories entering the empty boy's toilets as everyone is already in class, so luckily I don't have to worry about running into anyone .
With trembling hands, I cup my stomach repulsed at the layers of fat my hands grasp.
You don`t need to put on any more pounds. I remind myself as I tug at a piece of fat.
You don't need to put on any more pounds. I look into the mirror seeing my usual disgusting appearance.
You don't need to put on any more pounds. I think back on what Seamus said.
I agree.
_
The comment continues to resound in my head mixing in with the guilt as the voice that used to lie dormant erupts. I lock the stall with my shaking hands as I lean against the wall of the cubicle resting my head in my arms. Trying to shield my self from my thoughts.
It wasn't a new thing you see. This small joke this comment didn't start his self-hatred.
Harry just noticed things that weren't exactly normal about himself. For starters, he never liked looking in the mirror. Which is an odd statement but before Sirius died Harry avoided the mirror because he didn't like what he saw. Although it's not like he saw it often because he made sure he didn't own any.
And he never truly had time to change his appearance, or to act upon it. With Voldemort`s demise and the Wizarding world back to its current state. Harry`s mind had nothing to focus on. As before it was always Voldemort this and Voldemort that and now suddenly his purpose was fulfilled because that`s all Harry was good for murdering someone. So he sunk lower into himself.
He met Harry. He realized he truly didn't like. He didn't like the way the fat pooled at his stomach, he didn't like the scars on the back of his hands that reminded him of his worth, he didn't like his hair that never sat comfortably and made him look scruffy and didn't like a lot of things about himself. But most of all it was his weight. It was always his weight and after growing up with the Dursley`s he knew at a young age that he didn't want to be anything like them. That included their weight well other than Petunia she was too bony and horse like if anything. Vernon and Dudley, they were obese and it always terrified Harry. That he`d somehow gain their genetic of weight gain. That he would turn into a pig shoved into a cupboard forgotten and abandoned and ridiculed.
It was a silly fear. So why was he so afraid?
Mrs. Weasley always claimed he needed `fattening` up and every time Harry went over there he swore he was heavier than before. He felt much heavier than before and the disgust he felt of himself just raised and it was as if the food taunted him lowering his self-worth and increasing his repulsive weight.
He was tired of sitting back of letting these negative feelings control him but never doing anything about them. He needed control, hell he`d go so far to say he craved control.
Control was a foreign concept. And this way, was freedom and a time to take back the control. The thing his life had always truly lacked was control. Dumbledore controlled his sacrifice and the Dursley`s controlled his childhood to the point of a lock and an empty stomach. Voldemort controlled a parentless life for him and the deaths of many others around and the Wizarding World controlled who he had to be, which was some hero with a perfect life. The thing was he wasn't a hero and his life was so far from perfect that it would be funny if it wasn't quite so tragic. He didn't pity himself, of course he didn't because hr believed that every bad thing that happened he deserved and it piled on his shoulders making him feel even heavier.
So, he started a diet. It wasn't meticulous he slipped up a few times too many. He
outlined what he would eat when he would eat and what weight he wanted to be.
Currently Harry weighed 118 pounds and the weight he needed to get to was 110 that was goal and this time he`s in control. No one else. When he gets to 110 he will stop.
It started with little things like sometimes he forgot to eat and other times he wasn't in the mood. And it was just a habit really, that`s all it was.
The biggest thing. The real issue. Wasn`t the ugly person in the mirror no it was the weight of the deaths on his shoulders. The nightmares were the dead haunted him saying it was his fault calling him the names Harry calls himself.
He felt so heavy.
So he tried to feel light.
Absently I shake my head getting rid of `these` thoughts as I stuff my trembling hands in my pockets . As my eyes stare too deeply into the pure whiteness of the toilet cubicle. I don't know how it`s long its been and quite frankly I don't really care.
After a while I untuck my head from under my arms and I stand up from my crouched position my arms and legs numb and empty like how my stomach should be but isn't because I ate that slice of toast.
Unlocking the door I step out making contact with an empty bathroom as a sigh escapes me. Cautiously I walk out of the stall,my body instantly pausing as I meet my reflection in the mirror. A feeling of disgust and sadness swells in my stomach . Slowly I exit the bathroom and the only thing left in my mind is the ongoing thought of whatever it takes I will get it, this control.
I walk out of the bathroom only stopping to ask a portrait the time which turns out I missed history of magic. Although Binn`s probably didn't realise he`s way too focused on the goblin wars. I don't think he realise he teaches and that he sometimes forgets that he has students and he certainly doesn't notice that most people name History of Magic, nap time.
Hesitantly I speed up all to aware of the upcoming lesson, potions which I cannot afford to skip, I'm not stupid enough to skip Snape's class. Spotting my friends from afar I walk over to them, hesitantly I observe Hermione`s clear look of disgust at probably missing class and Ron`s oblivious face. They were quite the match now all they needed to do was realise it. Harder said than done of course.
"And, where have you been?" Hermione asks her eyes focusing pointedly at me.
I open my mouth ready for a well pre-prepared lie. Only for Ron to interrupt me. Good old Ron.
"I have a note from Dumbledore, for you" Ron declares his voice taking a quiet tone as he passes over a piece of folded parchment.
"Thanks" I reply, looking down at the parchment my stomach turns and not from lack of food. Anxiously I look down at the parchment again re-reading it.
Harry, Meet me in my office second lesson, there is something I need to tell you my boy. The password is `lemon drop`, don`t be late.- Headmaster Dumbledore.
"Well?" Ron asks curiously as ever.
"He wants to tell me something" I answer my voice stumbling only slightly. Hermione picks up on my pathetic anxiousness and rubs my arm.
"What do you think it`s about?" Hermione questions with wide seeking eyes, that always seem to narrow slightly.
"No idea, but it can`t be good" I fidget anxiously with my robe my stare focused downwards.
"Well, you better hurry up" Ron pushes my arm slightly in the direction of the office.
"It can`t be as bad as you think it is" Hermione offers with a anxious smile.
And with that I`m off.
Around ten minutes of walking the narrow corridors I arrive at the Gargoyles next to Dumbledore`s office.
"Lemon Drop" the door slides open rather ostentatiously if you`re asking me.
Taking a deep breath I walk up the swirling stairs as I meet the top.
"Hello, Harry" a voice calls out. Hesitantly I look up spotting the headmasters face and the blue twinkling eyes hidden by oval moon shaped glasses.
"Professor Dumbledore" I greet back awkwardly as anxiety stirs my stomach.
"Sit down my boy we have a lot to discuss" he states as he points to the chair .Nervously as ever not to mention truly pathetic, I sit down on the chair that opposes his.
It`s bad. I know it is and I do not need to be a seer to know.
"Is Voldemort back" I rush out my hands pressed harshly together enough to draw blood.
Dumbledore laughs but it sounds solemn. And I can't ignore the fear that awakens in me.
"Of course not my boy, he`s gone for good this time" he answers.
"So what is it?" I inquire.
"It`s to do with your family" he replies cryptically as ever as if he was a centaur.
I snort in response feeling that Gryffindor courage rise in me.
"My dead family" I emphasis stoically looking down.
"No, not dead "he states informatively.
My head snaps up instantly "they`re gone. I remember, is this some kind of joke- I watched her die" I mutter angrily meeting his eyes.
He sighs loudly as he kneads his beard in his hands with that annoying wise expression because he knows something more than you.
"James and Lily are dead" he corrects himself.
"I know that, so what else is there to talk about unless you want to talk about the Dursley`s and our so close 'relationship' I answer sardonically.
"No my boy that isn`t it, you see there is family you don`t know about that exist" he declares.
"Wh-hat?" I question anxiously as I pause "You mean grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles right?".
And then he delivers the blow. That ends my already sad world.
"No, James and Lily aren`t your biological parents. I am so sorry Harry".
I laugh bitterly swallowing the fear the anxiety away. It doesn`t work.
"No. I look like James and I have Lily`s eyes, mum`s eyes" I emphasis "Why are you lying to me" I demand my voice defensive as angry continues to swirl my stomach.
"I would never lie to you" he answers.
"So if they aren't my parents then who is" I question loudly my voice towing a stern tone as I rise from the chair my hands gripping the wood tightly as if it can swallow everything including me.
Dumbledore takes a deep breath and his eyes for a minute stop twinkling.
"Narcissia Malfoy and Lucius Malfoy" he says calmly as if he was reciting some stupid speech.
I snap my head up again all to quickly as anger churns my stomach once more but this time more dangerously if possible, like I'm just going to heave my toast on his rug.
"Death eaters " I pause " I'm the son of a death eater. No is this some kind of nauseating joke because I assure you this isn't amusing" I warn him in denial.
" No, I wouldn't do that. And Lucius is not a death eater my dear boy" he declares.
I laugh back sardonically. "And I'm not the boy the who lived" I taunt back sarcastically .
"He is a spy like Severus a member of the Order" he replies whilst looking at me
"And if Lucius is just so darn perfect, then why did he ditch me" I ask angrily.
"He didn't ditch you" Dumbledore empathises.
"Last time I checked leaving your kid with the Dursley's counts as ditching" I remark.
"He never knew you were with the Dursley's in fact he never truly knew a lot about his second son" Dumbledore replies cryptically as if he contains all the secrets in the worlds and I have no doubt he does.
"Right, so go on then what happened because this doesn't make s-sense" I stutter stupidly.
"You were born as you know on the 31st of July, however it was Narcissia that gave birth to you and Lucius is also your biological father along with her. They came to me a few months ago before you were born and they worried about the Dark Lord using you as bait or the chance you were a child of the prophecy. And as they were close to the Dark Lord because of Lucius spying duties there was a chance you would of been killed. So and I will say this again they didn't want to give you up because they loved you. They gave you to me to look after and give to a Wizarding Family that would be well protected and when the Dark Lord was defeated I would announce where the child was. I gave you to the Potters as they were under Fidelius charm which supposedly couldn't be broken and as they were hiding it was easy to pretend that you were there child. Only Sirius had to make the unbreakable vow, and Lily and James did love you. Since James couldn't father children you became their child it worked out well until Halloween. And it was then out of my control since you were officially a Potter as you were adopted by them so you were sent to live with the Dursley's. I'm sorry my boy but we knew that Voldemort would come back so it wasn't safe for the truth to come back. And before you ask the question, you look like them because of a potion and because the potion has changed your appearance the chances of it being returned are slim as it usually stays permanent" Dumbledore explained his voice growing weary with stress.
"No" I mumble my hands digging into the chair once more.
"You're lying" I attempt to deny.
" I assure you Harry I am not" he replies.
"Do they know that I'm their-r " I stutter once more.
"No I thought it would be better if I told you first" he interrupts.
"Don't tell them" I answer coldly.
"Why ever not my boy" he looks on wistfully his blue eyes still fucking twinkling.
"My family are dead. I do not need replacements" I yell coldly.
"They are good people Harry. And you of all people deserve a family" he states wisely.
"Blood isn't love, I don't need anyone I never have and I never will" I carry on yelling like and idiot of course.
"They need their son. There brother and you may you not know it need a family you always have and now the war is over you can finally have it my boy" he answers with too much wisdom and other poppy fucking cock.
"They've already got there son, they don't need anyone else, I'm done with this" I declare and with a fleeting glance around the office and Dumbledore's solemn face I exit the room.
Hurrying down the corridor where just an hour it was so much different. And Hermione was wrong, even I couldn`t prepare for this. Because bad was an understatement and a large one at that to even begin to describe what's happened.
I hurry along not really paying attention until I come to my destination.
Pacing up and down three times a door appears.
I step into the room of requirement and as the door shuts ,the truth hits.
I'm not a potter. And with the that the only source of comfort that took for granted is ripped so carelessly away. I look around the room and see it has shifted into the replica of the cupboard at the Dursley's. It's odd but I loved that little cupboard, it was the only thing that was truly mine. And when I was in the cupboard the Dursley's didn't exist my empty stomach didn't exist. And now I'm pretending that the Wizarding World doesn't exist and the Malfoy's don't exist and Dumbledore doesn't either.
And maybe I don't exist.
It doesn't work this time.
It was as soon as I stepped out of Dumbledore's too large office that it all felt off. Not that it was particularly good in there but it was overwhelming- it is overwhelming. And the anger swells in me and the shock it outweighs it.
To know that my parents aren't dead well biologically anyway.
I'm even more of a freak than I thought I was and the only small plus point I can think of is I'm not related to the Dursley's.
Oh, God.
Fuck me. I am truly fucking fucked.
Where am I even supposed to stay in the holidays the Dursley's aren't going to let me live with them, when they know I'm of no kin to them. God, I can imagine there reaction and that means the so called blood wards didn't even exist .And the Malfoy's aren't going to take me in and I'm not going there so end of that. It's not as if it was a decision anyway.
Hesitatingly I burrow into the small crevice of the cupboard and it isn't for a while that I realise I can't breathe.
My breaths are short and laboured and my heart is thumping like it's going to give out. My hands are sweaty and clammy not to mention the shaking. This isn't normal, it feels like I'm dying, maybe I am dying. And maybe I don't really care.
I draw back another intake of breath, yet it doesn't do anything. I think it makes it worse actually.
The world swims out of consciousness and I close my eyes ready for the peaceful oblivion of nothing, where I won't be reminded of my diet or dysfunctional 'family', where I can breathe.