Courage Is
Courage Is
I don't own Rent nor do I own 'Courage Is' by The Strange Familiar.
Roger sat alone in the cold loft. It had been 27 days since Mimi had been brought back to them. The guilt he felt at the current moment was overwhelming. He wished he could take back all the cruel words he unintentionally burdened her with.
Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good
He couldn't take watching her die. He just couldn't! His presumption, his notion that he couldn't handle it had ruined a part of his life that he wished so dearly he could get back. The truth was he could handle it. He hadn't witnessed Aprils' death but he dealt with the aftermath. Not well, mind you, but he had lived!
Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood
He never thought he could. Now, though, he would even give up his guitar to have the life he was living now. The life he was living! The other day he had gone out. He didn't do anything in particular, he just went out. It was a nice change from the loft. He had walked for almost an hour around alphabet city just to be out and about. The realization of this newfound pleasure put a spark in Roger's eyes that hadn't been present since his rock star days. The dissatisfaction of material objects was unnerving to him. Now he would give everything up to take back time.
Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need
With a sigh Roger got up off the couch that did not look like a couch anymore due to the amount of duct tape covering it. He put down his guitar and walked to the kitchen that desperately need a good cleaning to poor himself a cup of luke-warm coffee. He wished he could be like Mimi. She had no qualms about her actions. She did what she wanted and what she thought was right, most of the time. Unlike Mimi, Roger's distrust left him hiding away in this place he calls home. How he wished he could be carefree but he knew he would never be like that again.
Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what's underneath
Roger was point blank afraid. He did not have Mimi's zeal for life. Death waited around the corner for him and his friends. Poverty had stolen his golden shoes and disappointment his youth. Somehow, though, he kept going even when the world came tumbling down around him and life as he knew it ended.
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
He remembered his withdrawal form the poison that ruined his life. He could see Mimi trying to quit, for him, but giving up. It was his fault; he should have been there for her when she needed him most. Instead, he had taken off to Santa Fe. He had made it though, Mimi hadn't. She had given up, run away, left. Roger had suffered through the pain; he had lived in the end. Mimi couldn't do it, she couldn't quit, she couldn't take the pain.
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
He had used his drug abuse and Aprils' death as an excuse for hiding. He had used his music as a simple release. He knew this was why he couldn't write a decent song. The songs he wrote were about pain, grief, and frustration. He was frustrated he couldn't be happy. When he met Mimi, though, his songs were about happiness, joy, love, which made the music beautiful. He had let something die inside him when April died, Mimi had brought it back.
We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
He was broken and until recently he had not mended enough to fly. Now he was ready. The songs he wrote did not matter now. He was proud of his hard work. Roger was proud to say he didn't care if he was ever in another band. He liked his music because it expressed who he was. It was his story. It was his friends' story.
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings
Roger finished the coffee and went to his room to retrieve his jacket that was thrown carelessly on the floor. It was frigid out and a light snow covered the ground. He was glad Mark wasn't around to scold him for being outside in this weather. He supposed he should invest in a warmer coat eventually, but currently didn't have the money for one. Everything he had, had gone to trying to get Mimi better. The fears he had harbored for so long were slowly being erased. The pain that he had to deal with would go away eventually. Right now, though, he would just keep on living until then because that was the only thing he could do.
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
Roger had been put down so many times that it was a wonder that he was still alive. He wondered himself why he was still here. It was probably because he couldn't leave Mark. Mark and Roger were codependent on one another. No matter how many times one of them fell they were always there to help each other back up.
It's not how many times you've been knocked down
It's how many times you get back up
Roger passed a vender selling red roses. He dug around in his pocket looking for any money that might have been hiding in there. What luck it was for him to find a crinkled five-dollar bill. He handed the money to the man and bought a single red rose. He continued down the street at a leisurely pace. He had a destination that he planned to reach eventually. The sun was just starting to set and the city's smog could be seen in the air. A homeless man was curled up on a bench in the park. Roger wondered if he had had as much loss as he had. Had he given up? Roger pitied the man on the bench but could do nothing for him so he kept on walking, eyes averted towards the ground. He finally arrived at his intended location and sat down on the hard, cold ground. Placing the single rose down he started to speak:
"Hey Mimi. Um, I brought you a flower. I know you like roses. You always said that they were so beautiful but they didn't trust anyone because of the thrones. You said roses reminded you of me."
Roger laughed at this fond memory and continued to describe his day and the latest song he was working on to the slab of stone he sat in front of.
"It's about courage and it starts of real soft and quite and builds into this great confidence but ends quietly again like it started off. I wanted it to sound like the person was sorry but then, you know, they grew all confident, and then was unsure so it ends quietly. You'd like it."
Roger sat in silence for a moment just listening to the sounds of the city around him. The city was always moving. There was always life here. Well not directly here, but out there. Roger sighed and took a deep breath. He was at a loss for words; Mimi never had nothing to say. He wished he had brought his guitar with him. Oh well, he would do without it. He started to sing in a quiet voice that slowly grew louder.
Courage is when you've lost your way,
But you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid
Courage is when it all seems grey
Courage is when you make a change,
And you keep on living anyway
His voice slowly died down and finally ended. He kissed his fingers and pressed them to the icy marker and got up.
"See you tomorrow Meems. I love you."
And with that he got up and made his way out the gate and back to the loft where he knew Mark was waiting for him with a microwavable dinner that he somehow always scrounged up. Roger smiled a little at this thought and quickened his pace. Roger silently counted down, "27 days down, the rest of my life to go." He finally understood what courage was, it was just living.
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway
You keep on living anyway.