Overcoming sorrow

As much as she disliked violent video games she was drawn to this one; it distracted her from the pain she was feeling. It was not as much physical pain as it was emotional pain. She felt vulnerable like her whole world was off balance and she didn't like it. She wasn't sleeping - every time she closed her eyes she went back to that horrible night. She felt like her world was closing in on her. Her big office felt like she was in a cracker box — like she couldn't move without running into a member of her staff. Her concentration was horrible she had to read the same report four times before she even knew what it said. During prep for Face the Nation she tried so hard to be her normal self even smiling just a little bit when Matt used his Bob Schaffer voice when he started asking questions. The first two questions weren't so bad but then came the one she didn't want to answer — even for herself, but she knew the entire country wanted to know.

"Madam Secretary you were present when Zahed Javani's was killed. Can you tell me about that day?" Matt asked, a little nervous about what her reaction was going to be.

That question! Why did they need to be so nosey and know what happened? She just wanted to forget that one horrible day and never have to relive that moment ever again.

Suddenly she wasn't in a stale, stuffy office, but she was in Javani's living room again — and she could see Abdol's face smiling up at his father asking for his help with a math problem. She wasn't sure at what point she started to go back there but she couldn't make it stop. She could hear the explosion, as it pushed her forward onto the ground. She didn't have time to react. The next thing she knew, she was flat on the ground with Fred on top of her. There was a burning pain in her back as she was hit by a piece of glass from the shattered window and her whole body ached from Fred landing on top of her small frame. She was scared to look at him but she knew he was gone because the weight of his body was so much heavier then before. She wanted to look — to know for sure, but she was shaking with terror at the reality of the situation. If he were dead, she was alone in Iran — left with strangers in the middle of a coup. She finally got the courage to look and her fears were confirmed. Fred's once bright, and playful eyes were still open and blood caked his suit jacket. There was no movement from his body. Then there was Abdol screaming from behind that chair to his father and her telling him to stay down and praying for it to all be over. She wasn't like Henry. (Or maybe — she didn't have Henry's confident faith). She believed in God but was not as faithful about attending church as she should be. Still she prayed as though she were still a small girl kneeling faithfully at Saturday Mass. She didn't know how long she had sat there her breathing labored and heart pounding outside her chest she hoped no one else could hear it.

It was Nadine that brought her out of her trance with a gentle, "Ma'am?"

"Can you give me that again.?" She asked trying to keep her voice steady

She was so grateful when Nadine stepped in and gave her the break she so desperately needed.

What she wanted was to go running from that room but she knew she had to keep herself together until she could get the sanctuary of her private office. It would not be good for the Secretary of State to have a meltdown. She trusted her staff to keep inner office happenings inside the office, but if someone outside her staff had seen it. She shuddered to think the trouble it would bring not only to her, but to the President.

She was always so confident not just in her job, but also as a mother, and wife and now she was shaken to the core of her being. Her staff walked on egg shells since her return, not knowing what kind of mood she was going to be in or if she was going to blow up for no reason. They just wanted to help her, but when Daisy and Matt ambushed her at the door with this hero crap she couldn't hold it in. She was not a hero! Fred Cole and the other members of her detail who gave their lives to keep her safe were. Her words were more harsh then she meant them to be. She understood she needed to make sure she apologized to Daisy and Matt. After all they were just doing their job. As hard as she tried to hide her pain and anger, her family seemed to get the blunt of it, snapping at Jason about his detail. She just wanted to protect her son. She had not been able to do so for Abdol and for that she wasn't sure if she would ever forgive herself. But she had the power to protect Jason, and she would at all cost.

In the 25 years they had been married she doesn't ever remember fighting with, or yelling at Henry as much as she has done in the last four days. The first one happened just days after she returned still jetlagged and hurting both physically and emotionally. The meeting had gone so well with the principal of Monroe Jr. High but her son going to a public school scared her. She had no control over what happened, even through the principal went over the safety precautions with them again after seeing what happened in Iran she knew in a split second things could change. If she could just get Henry to understand that.

"You want to tell me what is going," Henry was trying to keep his voice down there were classes going on and he didn't want to disrupt them.

"Just what I said I think Jason needs more protections," Her frustration level was high did he not understand that she was going to protect her child their child at all cost.

"The protection protocol office doesn't he need's it will be fine." He was trying to find a way to calm her, she had a short trigger and he didn't want a fight where everyone could hear them.

"I'm fourth in line for the Presidency, our kids don't get to be normal." She was about to lose her cool with him. "I have to go back to work I will see you tonight," turning her back to him she walked off her detail not far behind her.

It bothered him, when they fought normally they would go into separate rooms and cool off and then talk it out. They were good at working thru what ever was going on with them rather it be work, kids or just life in general. But this was different she was different and he couldn't help her and it broke his heart. What really got him is that she didn't give him a kiss, that was something they agreed on early in their marriage never leave the other mad life was to short.

It wasn't just Henry that got the blunt of her misguided anger, Jason took his share also, she wanted so badly to protect her children. They were growing up way to fast and she would only have so long to protect them.

"Jason I'm only doing this for your safety," Elizabeth was trying so hard to hold her tongue and not scream at her youngest child.

"Then I will just stay at home because it's not right that you just sprung this on me you, this was my chance to be a normal kid at a normal school." he spaded back at her his debate skills were getting better she thought to her self.

He had a point —that was what they agreed on when he left private school for public but all that changed with her trip to Iran. She couldn't come clean with him. He was too young and innocent to know the ugly truth of what happened over there.

"This is not fair, you promised." He was holding his ground and not backing down.

"Jason I know we did but things have changed and I just want to keep you safe," She wasn't sure who she who she was trying to convince him or herself.

"Kevin would you excuse you for a few moment's please," it was the only thing Henry could think of to do to keep the situation from getting ugly he wanted to see if he could talk his wife down off the ledge she had climbed onto.

"Yes, I will be right outside," The tall guy would happily leave the room not wanting to be in the middle of a fight between the Secretary of State and her husband.

"Jason get your stuff, its time for you to go to school," Henry tried to keep his voice even and not startle his fragile angry wife.

"Dad," Jason whined as he grabbed his backpack and left the room

"I Love you," Elizabeth called out to her only son as he left the kitchen for the front door.

"Yeah right," Jason knew his mom and knew she was being unfair and treating him like a baby. But he was growing up now and didn't need his mom protecting him and embarrassing him at his new school. He just wanted to be a normal kid. Alison didn't need protection why did he.

Henry knew this was going to get ugly but it needed to be said he had to find a way to fix the situation and make everyone happy in the end. But sometimes that was easier said then done when it came to his hard-headed wife. He understood she saw things no one could fathom seeing but her over protective nature drove them all crazy at times.

"You know he's right, babe, this isn't fair." He had hoped this wasn't going to get ugly but he knew her all to well and when she wanted something she would not let it go.

"Well since when is life fair," What was unfair she thought to herself was that Fred Cole and two other agents died as did her friend and she got to live.

"Well in this house its suppose to be." He knew when the word came out of his mouth that is was going to get ugly fast. That she would go on the defensive and he would have to try to get her to talk to him.

He could see her getting more and more upset as the moments stood still. He had to figure out a way to diffuse her quickly but all he could do was let her say her peace and hope she felt better when she was done.

" I knew you would make me the bad guy, I just knew it." She could feel her blood pressure rise and the anger build why couldn't he just let her have this one thing.

"Look babe, I know you have been thru a lot and you don't want to talk about it but at some point you are going to have to."

"Don't psychoanalyze me, Henry" Her temper was starting show.

"But babe, he doesn't need protection. Don't let your issue's get in Jason's way. We made him a promise and we need to keep that promise." He so hoped that he could reason with her but he could see that she was hell bent on this issue.

"What do you think my issues are?" She was glad the kids were not home to hear this argument it was one of the worst in their 25 years of marriage.

"Are you ready to talk? Her silence gave him his answer. "Lets talk about what happened in Iran." He was hoping she would open up to him and stop holding it inside. He worried that she was going to blow up at the wrong person someone like the president, or the kids and would cause damage she couldn't fix. He knew that if she would blow up at the president she would beat herself up over it. But the kids if she would have yelled and screamed at them like she is to him she would never forgive herself. They were her world and she strived to be the best mother she could be.

"Fine, you know what you win! I have to go, I don't have time for this!" All she wanted to do was get out of the house and into the car. Without another word to him she grabbed her brief case and her purse and left leaving him standing in the kitchen dumbfounded.

The defeat on her face was more than he could handle. It was all he could do to keep from grabbing her and holding her tight in his arms. He just wanted to take her up to their bedroom and help her forget what had happened. He couldn't make her talk to him but he could make her forget.

Carl, the new agent, held the door open for her as she got into the black SUV that was waiting for her. All she could do was nod to him a thanks and get in. Once in the safety of her SVU she tried to hold it in but it was no use, looking out the window as they made their way downtown to the State Department the tears began to fall. Nadine was so right when she had said that "Sometimes you need a good cry." Her heart felt heavy she had picked a fight with Henry. She knew he was right, but she also knew she couldn't make it if something happen to one of their children. They were her world.

Henry stood in the kitchen dumbfounded as she left out slamming the door behind her. Why wouldn't she just talk to him? It broke his heart that she was hurting and there was nothing he could do for her until she talked to him. In the 25 years of marriage they had never been this broken. He had no idea what to do but be there for her. He did get online and look up PTSD symptoms and how to help someone with them. But he knew she would not admit that she had PTSD nor would she get help until she was forced to. Thankfully he had asked Kevin to drive Jason to school so he didn't hear the fight between his parents. He also asked Kevin to stay close but not to close. Luckily Kevin got the message and it would keep peace between him and Elizabeth for the time being.

Her first stop when she got to work was the restroom, she splashed her face with cold water and fixed her tear streaked face. Thankfully only Blake was in the outer office when she made her way into her office.

"Good Morning ma'am," He gave her a small smile.

"Morning Blake," She gave him a simple response.

Putting her coat on her chair and throwing her purse and brief case into another empty chair she picked up a picture of her and Henry. She loved her husband with all her heart, but right now they were just not connected. She so wanted those good times back, the soft touch's, the kisses, the looks she missed them and him. Placing the frame back on the desk. She picked up the other picture on her desk a small smile formed on her face it was of herself, Henry and the kids their last family vacation before she became Secretary of State and life got way to busy. Them laughing while playing in the water at the lake, and sitting by the camp fire later that evening roasting marshmallow's and just talking. While she wasn't really ready to talk about what happened in Iran she know that she had to at some point it would be the only way she would heal. But right now work was just to busy for her to let herself go and let those feelings come out.

"Ma'am" Blake stuck his head into her office, "We started staff ten minutes ago. Care to join us." He was trying to be gentle and not startle her.

"I will be right there Blake sorry," She gently put the picture back down on the desk and grabbed her suit coat and walked toward the conference room.

She was only have listening to the going ons in the meeting Nadine said something about the Italian's embassy wanting to give a dinner in her honor.

"Why are on earth are you not doing Face the Nation?" Russell Jackson barged his way into her staff meeting.

"Russell Jackson's here ma'am," Blake came rushing in behind him trying to announce Jackson's arrival.

"Thanks Blake your a little late on the heads up," She wanted to tell Jackson to try using the phone, but that would be just be wrong in front of her staff. "What are you talking about Russell?"

"Face the Nation you decided not to do it?" She seemed just as confused by what was happening as he was.

"Well since this is news to me so would I," Her eyes scanned the room seeing who was going to speak up on this matter she was trying not to lose her temper about.

It was Nadine who spoke up "I thought it maybe we could some flexibility on the issue ma'am." She used a gentle voice to keep things calm in the room.

"Why?" Russell's voice was harsh

"Hey Russell I will ask the questions here," her voice just as harsh as his.

"I had a rough time during prep yesterday the jet lag got to me, but I will be fine when it's the actual day."

"Good," Now I need a word with you for a moment Russell always knew how to push her buttons.

During her meeting with Russell and Laura, Blake stuck his head telling her that Dr. McCord was on the phone wanting to know about lunch.

"Tell him I have a full day I will see him at home tonight." They both knew she didn't that he had cleared an hour for her to have some down time, she had been on the go since she returned from Iran and he could see she needed it.

Blake was taken back by her answer, she always made it a priority to talk to her husband when he called the office. They talked several times through out the day, he really hoped they were okay. He like Henry McCord, they were the ideal couple, he prayed they could overcome whatever it was that was going on with them.

"Yes ma'am" he quietly left the room.

After her meeting with Russell she grabbed her coat, gloves and scarf and headed to the park, the cool air felt good on her face. She could actually breathe, and think. She walked for a while until she saw their bench. It was the one they sat on talking, catching up on each other days, talking about life, the kids or life in general. She missed those times with Henry. Her ringing phone brought her out of her thoughts.

When Elizabeth walked in the door that night it was after 2:00 am, she was relieved that everyone was already in bed. Hanging up her coat, she pulled off her shoes and dropped them on the hardwood floor. Opening the fridge she grabbed out the leftover's the dinner she missed with her family, grabbing a fork out of the dishwasher she headed into the living room onto the couch. After finishing her dinner she turned on the TV, only thing she could find was the replaying of her trip to Iran and all that had happened. Not wanting to see it one more time she turned on the video game and started playing.

Henry rolled over in the bed he shared with his wife, only thing there was an empty pillow. Glancing at the clock he saw the time was 3:30am, then he heard it, the sound of the downstairs TV and the all to familiar noise of the video game he played with Jason. She had never shown any interest in playing so it worried him that she was playing it especially after all she had been through. Walking quietly down the stairs he was hoping not to wake the kids but more importantly to startle his already delicate wife.

"It's late, I didn't even hear you come in." He sat down next to her watching her play the game.

"Not ready to sleep yet" she tried not to show her frustration with him invading her quiet time.

"By playing a game you have never shown any interest in at 3:30 in the morning?" The question came out harsher than he had planned.

"Yep, something wrong with that?" she was keeping her answers short.

He showed her how to transfer her titan, trying once again to reconnect with her.

"You play this game way more than you cop too," she tried to make a funny and break the ice. "About earlier you know when I was being a bitch sorry."

"It's okay," he was happy they were starting to finally talk even if just a little bit.

"How did Jason do on his first day of school at Monroe Jr. High?" It was starting to feel like their normal conversation.

"He had a good day, everything is fine." He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince her or himself.

"No it isn't," she said it quietly.

Sitting quietly on the couch she so wished she could tell him how she was feeling. That she was struggling just to get up everyday, that the smile that she plastered on her face everyday was fake. That some days she wished that she was the one who had died that day. That as a way to protect herself from more hurt she just wanted to push him and the kids away and go to the farm and hide. That she was scared every hour of everyday, even when he was there.

He didn't know if he should her push her on her comment or wait until a better time. But when would that be there never seemed to be a right time anymore. He also didn't want to risk waking up the kids. It was late they were both tired so he decided to wait.

"Hey let's go to bed," He just wanted to snuggle with his wife he was tired of fighting with her.

"I'm going to stay up a while longer not tired just yet." It wasn't the truth but she figured he would just let it go truth was she was scared to go to sleep afraid of the nightmares.

"I will just sit here with you then," Grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch getting ready to cover them both up with it. He was content just sitting there watching her play.

"Go to bed Henry, I will be up in a few minutes." She just wanted to be by herself.

Feeling defeated he got up and headed to bed kissing the top of her head as he walked around the couch headed for the stairs.

She finally headed to bed not much longer after he went up. After turning off the kitchen light she drug herself up the stair into their bedroom. Luckily Henry was fast asleep, she brushed her teeth in the dark and made sure the alarm was set for 6:00am. Getting into bed felt so good on her tired body, she laid on her back for a few minutes before turn on her side facing her sleeping husband. She loved this man, with her whole heart but felt like everything that had happened in Iran was tearing them apart. That they had lost their connection, something had changed her. She found it easier to push him away then to let him in to what happened on that fateful night.

Laying next to Henry gave her a lot of time to think .What else did she have to do? Sleeping wasn't going to happen. Without warning an image of her father came to her mind. She hadn't thought of him in since Jason was small. They hadn't spoken to each other in a very long time. They had always been close until she chose to go work for the CIA. He didn't want his only daughter doing a man's work. His reaction had wounded and confused her. She had expected him to be pleased – after all he was a man who always wanted sons but got a daughter instead. Then when she announced she was marrying Henry who was just a professor and not the doctor he had hoped she would marry, their relationship became so strained, that it was easier to stay apart. She had hoped that she he would start coming around after Stevie, Alison, and Jason were born and they would get to know their grandparents but no such luck. Her mother, on the other hand, always sent the kids cards on holiday's and would wait until her father was out and call and check on her and the family. She even told her husband that she was going on a trip with friends but instead went to see Elizabeth, Henry and the kids. But that was only once. She missed her parents, they had always been close to her mother but her dad resented her. He wasn't necessarily mean to her but he was strict, sending her to boarding school at age eight.

"Crying is for babies," that was one of those things he installed in her at an early age.

But it was also one of the things she told Henry they would never do to their family, they would be allowed to be there own person.

She couldn't help herself she started to doze off. She was trying desperately to stay awake to keep the dreams at bay but going on her third day with little to no sleep she was losing the battle.

Henry woke with a start. He didn't know where the screaming was coming from but he knew it was close. It didn't take long for him to figure out it was his wife laying right next to him. He could see her struggling with the blankets that were covering her body.

"Lizzy, honey wake up! You're okay. Its just a dream." He kept his voice steady trying to get her to come out of it before she woke the kids or even worse the secret service came barging into their bedroom.

"Babe, its okay. I'm right here. You're safe," holding on to her hand rubbing circle's on her hand with his thumb. It was breaking his heart to see her this way he so wished he could take the pain from her and give her some peace.

"Henry?" Her voice was hoarse from screaming.

But before he could answer the secret service busted into their bedroom guns drawn, startling both of them, sending them sitting straight up in bed.

"We are fine! It was just a bad dream! All is good - nothing to see here." Henry reassured the detail trying to get them out of their bedroom as quickly as possible. He didn't want to scare the kids who he knew would be running in shortly

"Stand down, stand down spook is secure." He spoke into his arm letting everyone downstairs know everything was fine. "Excuse us Madam Secretary, sorry about the intrusion." Carl slowly backed out of the bedroom.

Spook was not a code name she was not particularly thrilled when she learned of it. It was the one that the Secretary Service had picked for her. The director explained that due to her work for the CIA this was the name she was given.

It wasn't long before Stevie, Alison and Jason came rushing into their parents bedroom concerned by all the commotion going on in the house.

"Everyone back to bed everything is fine," He assured the kids getting out of bed and walking them to the door. "Mom just had a bad dream and the detail got a little startled by it but everything is fine." He knew Elizabeth needed a few minutes he could see the embarrassment on her face.

Stevie knew it was more than just a little nightmare, she knew when her parents where not telling them everything. She learned to read them when her mom worked for the CIA, and she got better at it over time. Not wanting to scare her younger sibling's she didn't push the issue.

"Love you mom," the kids called out their mom as they headed back to their own rooms. Confused by what exactly happened, they had never seen their parents so on edge.

Henry closed the door behind him after the kids left, he wanted to give her some privacy so she could pull herself together. Walking back to the bed he quietly sat down and watched her.

Elizabeth rolled over on her side away from her husband staring at the clock for a moment before getting up and heading to the bathroom without saying a word, not a thanks, sorry nothing.

Henry felt so helpless he didn't know how to help her and he didn't want to make a big deal out of what had just occurred. He now understand why she was fighting sleep so hard. Sometimes he would look over at her and find her pretending to be sleeping.

She showered and dressed quickly, while Henry had gone to check on the kids. She didn't want to see anyone just yet not even Henry. She was embarrassed about causing so much drama last night. She quickly headed downstairs, knowing the kids were in their rooms finishing getting ready for school and Henry was getting into the shower.

After filling her travel mug with coffee she grabbed her brief case, and her purse and headed out the door to the waiting SUV without even a good morning or good bye to her family.

After making sure the kids were okay and up getting ready for their day, Henry who normally takes his time getting ready hurriedly showered this morning. He wanted to catch up with his wife before she left for the day. He wanted to make sure she was okay after her nightmare that woke the whole house. She had jumped out of bed and was in the shower before he had a chance to talk to her locking the bathroom door behind her. When he return to the bedroom she had already gone downstairs, he hoped she was still down there getting breakfast when he got down there. Yelling for the kids to get a move on he rushed down the stairs looking for his wife. But instead of finding her standing in the kitchen getting her coffee ready for the day or eating he found the kitchen empty. His heart sank she didn't even say good bye to the kids, this was not his Elizabeth and he missed the old one.