Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who.
Thank you to my beta, Spirit Of Gray (who writes amazing fanfics that you should check out) for editing this!
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and actions ahead. Please don't read if it may hurt you.
He Could Jump
Chapter 1:
The Doctor was doing it again, flirting with death. Death was a cruel mistress, quite often he found himself trying to catch her eye, trying to make his way into her arms. But in the past, he had stuck to less upfront methods of evoking the quiet dark that lied beyond the concept of a galaxy without him. He had found himself facing certain doom to nobly save others. He had found himself offering his life to enemies in an attempt to let the endangered find safety. He had found himself making sweeping gestures of protection to preserve the sick and dying, lying his head on the line to take their place.
Whatever dark lover Death was, "heroes" didn't seem to be her type.
Now he stood on a cold, cold rooftop looking down. All it would take was one jump and one intention not to regenerate. That was all it would take. One fall, then a final breath, then a force of will, and he'd be free. It was like he was standing at Death's door offering chocolates.
Of course it was up to him whether he rang the doorbell. It was up to fate whether he could stop from regenerating, or if death would, yet again, turn him down, leaving him to lead this wretched life where others died for him and he selfishly lived on.
He had landed in an abandoned town on a distant planet. It was so far away from civilization here; not a sentient soul perched in the shadows below the surrounding trees that had overgrown the streets. Not a life lingered in the dusty homes below. Only birds, large fat things which lived off animal carcesses and rodents, would be there to see him, and they certainly wouldn't stop him.
One little slip.
This hadn't been his intent when he'd arrived here. He'd landed in a town about a mile off, which was being invaded by a lost beast that had wandered off a cargo ship that came in from a nearby planet. The beast had terrorized the town, leaving the Doctor to play hero and subdue the thing. He had beat it, but not before death had claimed two children, and their parents. Two children and their parents, whom the Doctor had reassured. Lied to. He was thoroughly disgusted with himself for that.
Of course, despite the losses the townsfolk there celebrated the Doctor for saving them. They had called him a hero. Even behind their mourning and pain they had called him that.
Their turn to lie to him, then.
The Doctor, in a daze, the screams of the lost family echoing in his head, had taken a walk. He had landed in the abandoned village that he now stood in. He'd climbed to the tallest point he could find, and now he stared death in the eye.
The fat birds watched the Doctor and squawked, ruffling their greasy feathers in anticipation of a new meal. Apparently, the Doctor wasn't the first to jump here.
No one would miss him if he did: Rose was gone, Martha was working at Unit, and Jack at Torchwood; and while they would be sad with never seeing him again, they would expect it, and suspect that he was still out in the stars. The rest of his companions, Sarah and all the others, would just have to live their lives without him. They'd be better off that way, really.
One little slip.
The Doctor drew ever closer to the edge, so close that a stray wind could blow him down.
One little fall. It would be easy.
Again the birds squawked, almost telling him to jump, and this time, some defiant part of the Doctor caused him to glare at the vile things. No. This wasn't the place. This wasn't the time. Death would claim him in his own time. He was being stupid, as always. He wouldn't give these birds the delight of his death.
Beyond the defiance, something even more painful urged him to step back. What would Rose think if she knew what he was doing? She would be heartbroken. She would try to stop him. But she was gone- because of him. Still, this was no way to honor her memory.
With effort, the Doctor stepped back. He climbed off the building, taking no care to watch his step, and trekked back through the woods to the TARDIS.
He was back in the original village by the time the planets sun set.
He didn't speak to the townsfolk as he boarded the blue box and left for the vortex. He only thought to himself: He would keep smiling, like he always did, he would keep moving, like he always did, and maybe someday he could escape it. Maybe soon.
The TARDIS hummed at him in concern when they took off, as she'd read his thoughts. She knew where he had been, physically, and mentally.
In return, the Doctor only smiled, patting the consil. "Oh, I'm fine," he insisted. "It was a lapse in judgement, a dark thought or two. Won't happen again."
But the TARDIS, who was in his mind, knew full well that he was lying.
Without the Doctor telling her to, she materialized.
The Doctor sighed, "Old girl, where have you taken me?" He checked the screen, reading out the location. "Cardiff? Wait, Torchwood? Why? Wait no, you can't be telling me to-"
There was a sudden knocking at the blue door. The Doctor saw the face of Captain Jack Harkness on the screen. "Sexy," The Doctor pleaded with the TARDIS, "I honestly don't need a babysitter, I-"
The doors to the console room swung open,without the Doctor's permission. "No!" the Doctor protested in an exasperated whine.
The immortal beyond the doors stepped into the blue box and wasted no time wrapping the timelord in a hug.
"Doctor!" Jack expressed to the timelord, who had gone still under Jacks hug, "Long time no see!"
The Doctor gave a wry smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I've only stopped by to be sure that you're alright," he stated stiffly.
The TARDIS sounded in an annoyed tone, and Jack raised his brow, stepping back from the timelord and pointing to the ceiling. "She disagrees," he stated coolly, looking to the Doctor for a response.
"She's in a mood," the Doctor returned. "Anyway, I'm glad to see you're holding up well. I have other stops to make, so I'll be off."
A flash of red light caught both their attention, and the Doctor couldn't do anything to stop the immortal from looking at the screen. On display was a read out of the Doctors bio scan. Medical jargon mixed with words like 'dehydrated, insufficient food intake, depression, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions,' and other phrases which made the Doctor cringe were plastered plainly for the immortal to see, flashing in urgent red.
Jack absorbed the words with seriousness. "Alright," he murmured comfortingly, in attempt to keep the Doctor from running. "Doc, no offence, but you're not going anywhere for awhile," he turned with wary eyes and crossed his arms, his expression dark and concerned, making it clear that the timelord was in no place to protest.
The TARDIS hummed her agreement.