The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off to a protest march. I've been watching the news again and guess what insanity came into my tiny little mind brain? Oh yeah…You knew this was coming.
Krieger Marches For Science!
"Okay I'm off," Mallory walked into Cyril's office. Ray and Lana were there as well. "I'm going to see Sterling in the hospital. I only came in here to check on things."
"You mean micromanage," Lana remarked.
"You could have just gone straight to the hospital," Ray pointed out.
"And you could just go straight to the docks to troll for sailors!" Mallory snapped. "But there is such a thing as managing work…"
"What work?" Cyril snapped. "We don't have any clients!"
"HA HA HA!" Cheryl walked by carrying a taser. "He! He!"
"Correction," Cyril sighed. "Technically we have one client…."
"And she seems to be pretty happy right now so…" Ray said.
"So coming in here was a waste of time," Mallory gritted her teeth.
"If anything happens we'll call you," Cyril said.
BZZZZT!
"SPOOOSH!" Cheryl squealed with joy.
"Let me rephrase that," Cyril sighed. "If anything important happens we'll call you."
"You six idiots better do something constructive today!" Mallory warned.
"Five idiots," Cyril corrected. "Krieger's not here today."
"WHAT?" Mallory gasped. "Why not?"
"Because he went to a protest march this morning," Ray said. "He'll be out all day."
"A protest march?" Mallory snapped. "Krieger? For what?"
"For science," Ray said.
"You mean science fiction?" Mallory was confused.
"No, science," Lana said. "All over the world scientists are protesting today. And guess who just couldn't wait to join in?"
"A protest movement made of scientists?" Mallory blinked. "How does that work?"
"Apparently with a lot of calculations, controlled testing and approved peer reviews," Ray quipped. "Badum. Bump."
"So it's going to be like Woodstock but with fewer drugs?" Mallory asked.
"Depends on how many pharmacologists show up," Ray quipped. "Hey-O!"
"More like an alternate version of Woodstock," Cyril said. "If Woodstock was attended by well-dressed nerds instead of hippies."
"Then why aren't you there?" Mallory snapped.
"Somebody has to hold down the fort around here!" Cyril snapped. "Besides do you really want to be at any kind of protest march with Krieger?"
"Good point," Mallory groaned. "With Krieger there it's more like Weirdstock!"
Meanwhile across town.
The Science March in LA was going full swing. Songs of 'She Blinded Me With Science' and 'Weird Science' were playing loudly. And that's not all that was loud.
"Science is not an option!" Krieger shouted as he held his sign. "It's a lifestyle! Embrace it! Come on guys! Let's cheer!"
And of course, Krieger had a few, uh…friends with him. And they were either holding signs or had signs draped on them.
Cyberneddly Teddly, still with no fur had a sign. I CAN'T BEAR A WORLD WITHOUT SCIENCE!
MAKE RADIOACTIVE PIGS! NOT WAR! Was Piggly's.
Milton had a sign on him as well. NO SCIENCE! NO TOAST! ANY QUESTIONS?
Mitsuko was flying around. "We're here! We're a reconstructed light field produced by a laser beam! Deal with it!"
"Like Viagra? THANK SCIENCE FOR IT MORONS!" Krieger shouted. "Now where's my bullhorn?"
Teddly handed Krieger the bullhorn. "Thanks, Teddly," Krieger took it. "Okay people! What do we want?"
"EVIDENCE BASED SCIENCE!" The crowd called out.
"When do we want it?" Krieger shouted.
"AFTER AN EXTENSIVE PEER REVIEW!"
"Let's turn up the volume people!" Krieger shouted. "Without science, we won't have anything cool! No Death Stars! No dinosaurs! No video games! No beer!"
"Don't forget spaceships!" Someone else called out.
"That was kind of implied with Death Stars," Krieger said.
"Technically not," A guy called out. "The Death Star was a planetary sized weapon slash space station. Not a space ship per se."
"Yeah but it moved through space so…" Krieger said. "It had to travel from one planet to another in order to blow them up. So yes, it was a space ship because it traveled through space!"
"Well if that is your only definition of a space ship…" The guy grumbled.
"That's the only definition I need!" Krieger snapped.
"What are you?" Someone else called out. "An alternate facts guy?"
"Cut the comedy here!" Krieger snapped. "The point is we need science for all the cool stuff!"
"Like flying cars, teleporters and lightsabers," Another man shouted.
"We don't have those things yet!" Someone shouted.
"Well not with that attitude!" A woman shouted.
"Come on people! Up and atom!" Krieger called out. "Science away!"
Then Krieger saw two very familiar figures nearby. "Got polio?" Dr. Virjay called out. "No! Thank science for that!"
"Science! It works bitches!" Dr. Quinn called out. "Do the math!"
"Yo Quinn!" Krieger called out. "Dr. V!"
"Hey! Krieger!" Dr. Quinn called out.
"Alright!" Dr. Virjay whooped. "It is officially now a party."
"Thanks for being here man," Dr. Quinn said.
"Anything for the cause!" Krieger said.
"When it is up to people like us to protest for the future," Dr. Virjay rolled his eyes. "You know things are bad!"
"Krieger's not that bad," Dr. Quinn said.
"I wasn't talking about him," Dr. Virjay gave Dr. Quinn a look. "I was referring to certain other parties."
"Is this a science march or a tea party?" A blonde woman wearing a blue jumpsuit with her hair in a ponytail walked over to them. She had a sign saying SCIENCE IS SEXY!
"Hey Debbie," Krieger said.
"Krieger," Debbie said. She turned to Dr. Quinn. "I thought you were going to help me with the signs!"
"I am," Dr. Quinn snapped. "Can't I have one minute to say hello to my friends?"
"You mean like I did this morning when I went to get coffee?" Debbie asked. "But you had a little hissy fit!"
"The coffee was cold woman!" Dr. Quinn snapped.
"So it's my fault the coffee cart is way on the other side of the field from where we are?" Debbie snapped. "Do I look like a waitress to you?"
"Debbie I saw you standing around for over thirty minutes talking to your friends!" Dr. Quinn snapped.
"I was discussing strategy for the protest!" Debbie snapped. "What your legs were broken or something? You couldn't walk over a few hundred feet!"
"Not to go near those bitches!" Dr. Quinn snapped.
"That's back on again?" Krieger asked Dr. Virjay.
"Oh yeah," Dr. Virjay groaned. "That reminds me, is Archer awake from his coma yet?"
"Nope," Krieger shook his head.
"So that whole thing with Lana is still unresolved huh?" Dr. Virjay asked.
"Technically yes," Krieger said. "So you know this is gonna drag on forever."
"Who the hell are Archer and Lana?" Debbie asked.
"Krieger's friends," Dr. Quinn said. "I told you about them three times."
"No, you didn't," Debbie said.
"Yes, I did," Dr. Quinn said.
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did!"
"Did I mention I rode in with them?" Dr. Virjay groaned. "Imagine hearing that all morning!"
"Don't have to," Krieger said. "They sound a lot like Archer and Lana."
"Who are Archer and Lana?" Debbie asked.
"They are the reverse version of you and Quinn," Dr. Virjay explained. "Only neither of them are doctors."
"What do you mean by reverse?" Debbie asked.
"What do you think it means?" Dr. Quinn groaned exasperated. "She's black, he's white!"
"And according to Krieger," Dr. Virjay said. "They're just as dysfunctional as you and Quinn."
"HEY!" Dr. Quinn and Debbie snapped.
"Worse in some cases actually," Krieger said. "Remember the Veronica Deane scandal?"
"That movie star that was involved in some big insurance scam?" Debbie asked. "And killed her ex-husband and shot some guy in her pool?"
"Archer's the guy in the pool," Krieger explained.
"What?" Debbie gasped.
"Okay here's what happened," Krieger said. "Archer and Lana are former spies turned private detectives and they've been on again off again couple for years. Recently they got together again because Lana stole Archer's sperm to have a baby girl. But then Archer got hung up on a huge fanboy crush on Veronica Deane and Lana was ticked off. They were fighting over it for six months before Lana decided to take a break. So of course, the first thing Archer does is sleep with Veronica Deane. But then it turns out she was using him as an alibi so she could kill her ex-husband Ellis Crane. And she was going to let Lana take the fall and Archer being the big jerk that he is almost let her do it as a joke. But then he realized that was pretty shitty even for him so he decided to use a robot I made to look like him to trap Veronica Deane and get her to confess. But he screwed it up and he was the one that ended up getting shot and nearly drowned in her pool and now he's in a coma."
Debbie paused for a moment. "Okay yeah, that's worse."
"Way worse," Dr. Quinn nodded. "Stealing another guy's sperm? Sounds like a crazy chick to me."
"That's your takeaway from that story?" Debbie shouted. "Seriously?"
"What?" Dr. Quinn asked.
Debbie glared at him. "The fact that that lying bastard deliberately cheated on her and was going to let Lana take the fall as a joke didn't jump out at you?"
"Technically they were on break," Krieger said. "Which Lana suggested."
"Good point," Dr. Virjay nodded.
"Emotional cheating is still cheating!" Debbie snapped. "Archer had to have known how much sleeping with Veronica Deane would have hurt Lana! And at the very least he shouldn't have ratted her out to the cops! Especially because he thought it was funny!"
"Also a good point," Dr. Virjay said.
"Guys I think we're kind of edging away from the point of this whole day," Krieger spoke up. "Which is about preserving science!"
"He has a really good point," Dr. Virjay said. "So, Dr. Quinn, Krieger, Debbie…I think we should get back to…"
"Excuse me," Debbie snapped. "I'm a doctor too you know? My name is Dr. Dupree. Why is it that the men are given doctor as part of their proper title but I'm just Debbie?"
"Technically we call Krieger, just Krieger," Dr. Virjay pointed out.
"He doesn't count!" Debbie snapped. "He doesn't have a real doctorate! It's just part of his name."
"Ouchies," Krieger winced.
"I am a respected marine biologist damn it!" Debbie snapped. "Not some blonde little bimbo! I should be given respect! And not treated like some bitch when I demand it!"
"Doesn't help if you really are a bitch," A woman's voice was heard.
"You want to make something out of this Dr. Flat Chest?" Debbie shouted.
"It's Dr. Flachess and you know it!" The woman snapped. "Just like I know how crazy you are!"
"Oh, the geologist thinks I'm crazy?" Debbie snapped. "A woman who basically has rocks in her head thinks I'm crazy!"
"Everybody knows marine biologists are all wet!" Dr. Flachess shouted back.
"WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?" Krieger shouted. "This is no time for inter-disciplinary conflict! We have to come together and focus on the real enemies of science! It doesn't matter who's got degrees in what…"
"Said the guy who has no degrees in anything," Dr. Flachess remarked.
"Seriously," Debbie degreed.
"Look those entrance exams to Grenada are really hard!" Krieger shouted.
"Can we please just get back to protesting here?" Dr. Virjay groaned. "Without science and funding science we can't make any medical breakthroughs to cure diseases!"
"Or create robot limbs," Krieger added.
"Or save the oceans," Debbie sighed.
"No Victoria's Secret bras," Dr. Quinn quipped.
"Watch it smart ass!" Debbie snapped.
"Anybody seen my lab rats?" Someone in the crowd called out.
"I think they're playing with mine," Another person shouted.
BOOOOOOM!
"Okay who's been mixing acids with bases again?" Someone else shouted out.
"Ugh," Krieger winced as purple smoke wafted through the air. "It always happens when you put a bunch of scientists together. Somebody always trades unstable compounds with somebody else!"
Meanwhile in the back of the crowd…
A certain cyborg proudly displayed his endoskeleton while holding a sign saying: SCIENCE! EMBRACE IT OR BE TERMINATED!
"Cool costume man!" Someone called out.
"Costume, right," Barry rolled his eyes. "All for the cause Barry. All for the cause."
Back to the other side of the crowd…
"Guys I know a lot of you are introverts and speaking out isn't really our thing," Krieger called on his bullhorn. "But this time we gotta raise our voices! It's science! Not silence!"
"Science not silence!" The scientists all called out. "SCIENCE NOT SILENCE!"
"Think like a proton!" Dr. Virjay shouted. "Stay positive!"
"SCIENCE RULES!" Debbie threw open her blue jumpsuit top to reveal two very strategically placed atom symbols.
"NICE!" Someone shouted out.
"DEBBIE!" Dr. Quinn shouted.
"I'm showing my love for science!" Debbie called out.
"That's not all you're showing!" Krieger quipped.
"Oh for the love of God Debbie!" Dr. Virjay groaned.
"Put those away!" Dr. Quinn shouted.
"I dunno," Krieger blinked. "I think she's making a point."
"WHAT?" Dr. Quinn shouted. "DEBBIE!"
"What the hell is going on here?" A police man walked over to them. "All right Lady put those away. Not that I don't appreciate the view…"
"Whatever happened to free speech?" Debbie snapped.
"Whatever happened to being a respectable scientist?" Dr. Flachess was heard.
"You're just sore because I have breasts and you don't!" Debbie shouted.
"Do you know this woman?" The police officer asked Dr. Quinn.
"Uhh…" Dr. Quinn paused. "Define know."
That's when Milton cut in between Debbie and the cop and started shooting out toast at the police officer.
"OW!" The cop shouted. "Those sharp corners hurt!"
"No Milton! Bad toaster!" Krieger shouted. "Bad…someone else's toaster! Whose toaster is this? Anybody lose a toaster? Not my toaster! I don't even have a toaster!"
"All right that's it!" The police man shouted. "I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR ASSUALTING A POLICE OFFICER!"
"ASSAULT THIS PIG!" Debbie screamed as she jumped on the officer and attacked him.
"Yeah this will really help…" Dr. Quinn groaned.
"You really should get Debbie to look at some kind of medication," Krieger said to Quinn. "To cover her mood swings."
"I'm getting my cyborg hide out of here before I get arrested!" Dr. Quinn said. "Later!" He ran off at high speed.
"Sorry but I'm not getting deported over this!" Dr. Virjay ran for his life.
"Huh?" Krieger looked around at the advancing police officers.
"OW! OW! OW!" Milton attacked another police officer with toast. "WHO'S TOASTER IS THIS? WHOEVER OWNS IT IS IN A WORLD OF TROUBLE!"
"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger pretended to throw a smoke bomb and ran away.
Later that day back at the Figgis Agency bullpen…
"So any-who…" Krieger scratched his head. "That's kind of what happened."
"Milton attacked a police officer with toast?" Ray was stunned. Cyril, Lana and Pam were there as well.
"Yeah, he kind of got arrested," Krieger winced. "So…"
"Now I have to pay bail for our toaster?" Cyril shouted.
"Technically it's not bail," Krieger said. "It's more like an impound fee…"
"Ms. Archer is gonna love this one," Pam snorted. "So's Archer when I tell him."
"He is going to have to listen to a lot of stories when he wakes up," Lana groaned.
"Hey guys," Cheryl called out. "The science riot is on the news!"
"This is reporter Darlene Love on the scene," The familiar reporter from Jaguar News was shown. "Violence erupted at the science protest today when some protesters as well as their projects got out of hand."
"And there's Milton attacking police officers with toast," Ray quipped as the clip was shown.
"But despite a few out of hand demonstrators," Darlene reported. "The protest was mostly fun and peaceful. As evidenced by some of the colorful costumes."
"Is that Barry?" Lana gasped as an image of a certain cyborg being interviewed was shown.
"I think it is," Ray said.
"Yeah well, we cyborgs are really into science," Barry said. "For obvious reasons."
"Really?" Darlene asked.
"Well if it wasn't for science neither me nor other Barry would literally exist," Barry explained.
"Yeah that's Barry all right," Ray groaned.
"Well it's pretty obvious that people would think he's wearing a costume," Lana said. "Along with all those other people wearing costumes."
"Barry would totally kill it at Comic-Con," Pam remarked.
"Cyborgs are really into science," Krieger said.
"Then why wasn't Ray there?" Pam asked.
"I wasn't asked!" Ray glared at Krieger.
"I said I was sorry!" Krieger snapped.
"Just for that you are not coming to my gay pride march this weekend!" Ray snapped.
"Okay that's fair…" Krieger paused.
"You're going to wear that assless chaps biker outfit again aren't you?" Lana groaned.
"I look like a bad ass in it!" Ray protested.
"More like just an ass period," Pam snorted. "Not that I'm complaining. It does show off one of your nicest features."
"That's the real reason you didn't ask Ray, is it?" Cyril whispered to Krieger.
"Well you know how much he's a bit of a show off," Krieger said. "This day is about science! Not…"
"I get it," Cyril groaned.
"Plus, I was trying not to get arrested this time," Krieger added. "Unlike certain other people."
"Among the people arrested," Darlene was heard over the image of Debbie being arrested. "Was one Debbie Dupree."
"THAT'S DOCTOR DUPREE YOU BITCH!" Debbie shouted. Her stickers had fallen off her chest so the network had to censor her top with blurs.
"What brave new world we live in," Ray sighed. "That has such weirdoes in it."