The following is a very revealing human resources document recovered during the raid on Abbottabad, showing the management problems bin Laden had with al-Qaeda.

AN HR ANNOUNCEMENT FROM OSAMA BIN LADEN

May this weekly HR announcement bring pleasure to Muhammad, peace be upon him. Or maybe just next to him. Somewhere within easy reach.

CLARIFICATION ON VIRGINS

A recent posting on our intranet discussed what sexual positions could be engaged in with 72 sexually inexperienced virgins all at once. This posting was followed by several clever – though highly impractical – suggestions.

These posts are exceedingly inappropriate. They make a mockery of the belief that acts of suicidal destruction will be rewarded with the sexual use of six dozen unviolated young maidens in the afterlife. (I know, I'm assuming they're women and not Trekkies. Fingers crossed!)

At any rate, realize that, upon entering paradise, those 72 virgins are going to have to last you, well, all eternity. So don't use them up all at once. Try to space them out a little.

MERGER

I'm happy to announce that the merger of Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQI) and the Islamic State of Iraq (ISI) will officially be effective at the beginning of the month! For liability reasons, this new entity will be an LLC.

This reorganization means we'll be saying hello to some new faces, and, unfortunately, saying goodbye to some old ones. Of special note, Rashid will be retiring and accepted the golden suicide vest. While we're sad to see him go, we hope to see a bit of him here and there in Baquba.

KITCHEN REGULATIONS

I'm sorry, but I have to bring up yet ANOTHER kitchen issue.

Last week, I went to get my lunch from the fridge, only to find somebody had left their cucumber RIGHT NEXT to somebody else's tomato!

In compliance with Islamic law, you're supposed to put the masculine fruits and veggies in the MASCULINE fridge, and the feminine fruits and veggies in the FEMININE fridge.

We're trying to run a family business, here. What if this had happened on "Bring Your Kids to Work Day"? Really, people, think about it.

IMPORTANT WARNING!

Be VERY careful about parking in the lot next to the Dunkin' Donuts.

I left work Thursday only to discover that, to my horror, the Jews and infidels had TOWED MY CAR because it was just an INCH over the line!

It's TOTALLY unfair. That car had my laptop, my AK-47 with three clips, AND my Whitney Houston mix tape.

So I'm issuing a fatwa against the tow truck company. And I'm considering one against the Dunkin' Donuts, too. I mean, first Rachel Ray, and now this...

Let's set up a mercy fund in the event that anyone else has their car towed. Please leave any donations with Fatima. She's the chick in the black abaya.

Um, the one on the 3rd floor.

OK, near where the water cooler USED to be on the 3rd floor, just round the corner from that, there's two chicks sharing the big cubicle. Fatima is the one with the huge rack.

The rack we use for storing the old VHS tapes of our terrorist training camp in Afghanistan.

Thanks for contributing!

NAME-TAGS

That reminds me, we really need to get back to wearing nametags. I can't tell any of you people from Adam what with all the bandanas and burkas, it's really hampering our workflow.

MOLE

It has become increasingly obvious that our organization has been infiltrated by a mole.

I've designated someone to lead the counter-espionage effort, so if you have ANY tips at all that might lead us to the mole, please forward them to Abigail.

Oh, yeah, uh, black abaya, 3rd floor, same cubicle as Fatima, but without the big rack.

IMPORTANT MEETINGS!

Starting Wednesday, Amir will be leading mandatory weekly meetings for all employees in conference room B. These meetings will cover key strategic elements that will ultimately lead to the downfall of the Great Satan!

Amir will be out this Wednesday, however. He's seeing his daughter off to college.

I encourage you to wish her farewell before she leaves. After all, it's not like any of us martyrs will be running into her up in Heaven, if you know what I mean! ;-)

No, really, though, we wish her all the best.

And, seriously, try to keep an eye on your daughters. Heavenly virgins don't spring up out of nowhere.

4th FLOOR COPIER

The copier on the 4th floor has a paper jam. Unfortunately, Bakir is the only one who knows how to fix it, and he was sent off to a martyrdom conference in Baghdad earlier this week. At this point, it's probably easier to just buy a new copier.

IN CLOSING

Let me end by once again rallying us around our cause.

Remember that the Jews and infidels will not let you rest. They'll keep you awake all night, making a racket upstairs with their dancing and their singing, with their drinking and their towing your car.

You have to admire their stamina, really…

But we are united. We are strong.

We have stood together under the cold steel of that pointless benefits meeting last January.

Do you remember that? Geez, that guy was such a tool.

Through all the hardship and paper jams, we are one.

We belong to Muhammad, to Islam, to Allah.

We belong to the light. We belong to the thunder.

We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under.

Whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better.

We belong. We belong. We BE-long together.

Cheers,

UBL