He looked down and saw the chai tea in his hand then he threw it across the room leaving a lovely new stain on his wall. Had had gotten the drink out of instinct but he cursed himself for even wanting tea to begin with. It was a simple mistake wanting something he shouldn't have. It was a mistake that he had found himself prone to making many times in his long life. Anyone on the outside would have thought that he was a fool for constantly falling into the same traps over and over again. But when this trap looked at him with the bluest eyes and darkest hair how could he not fall again? Shaking his head he was astounded by how a simple cup of tea could remind him of Alec. The more he thought about it everything reminded him of Alec. Magnus could change the furniture in his home, destroy any pieces of the Shadowhunter that remained, and get rid of his smell from his home trying to get destroy any memory of the boy yet he would still find himself thinking about him. Really the only solution would be making sure he forgot about Alec permanently with alternative methods.
But every time he thought about doing such things he felt like he would be betraying Alec even though it was clear who had betrayed who. The thought of forgetting about Alec felt like the worst betrayal he could ever commit even after Alec's plot to take away his immortality. The burning in his chest wouldn't go away especially after the look Alec had given him after Magnus had left him in the subway. Wasn't Magnus the victim in all this? When he thought of that expression that marred Alec's features he wanted to go back to him. Magnus couldn't though. Not after all that bad that had happened between them. With a snap of his fingers the mess on his wall disappeared and Magnus almost regretted making it go away. If he had gotten himself to clean it he would have had something else to think of. Even though he had no idea how to even start to manually get the mess out of his wall it would have been a welcome distraction. Every day he was closer to convincing himself to give in. Giving in would make the pain go away. Giving in would give him Alec back.
He threw himself in a seat and looked up at the ceiling as if it held the answer he needed. Instead the patterns in the paint only formed Alec's lips, eyes, and nose. Then the image contorted into the same expression that Alec had held on the night that Magnus had left. The more he looked at it the more he felt less like a victim and more like the aggressor. Chairman Meow crawled on top of his lap digging himself into his side asking for some sort of attention. Magnus had been neglecting the poor cat of any sort of contact besides feeding him ever since he returned from the subway.
"What do I do?" Magnus threw his arm over his face.
He still saw Alec's face in the darkness. Chairman Meow only let out a soft noise of pity and then dug himself further into his friend's side.
Magnus looked down at the cat with a bitter smile on his face. He gently scratched Chairman Meow behind the ear.
"Do you have any ideas?" He asked the feline.
Large eyes just blinked at him as if to say I'm just as lost as you are. Feeling guilty for not having taken good care of Chairman for the last week he petted his little cat until Chairman fell asleep on him.
"At least I still have you." he murmured.
If Alec had been there he would have also had the Shadowhunter curled right next to him with his nose pressed into Magnus' shoulder. The television would have been on and Magnus would be the only one awake with a sleepy Alec on one side and a tired Chairman Meow on the other. But Alec was not around to keep his right side warm or press his nose into Magnus' shoulder. Gritting his teeth Magnus turned on the television recreating the old memory one person short. The colors on the screen distracted him but not for long. He went back to thinking of his Shadowhunter again and questioned if he had made the right decision. The thought of being wrong frightened him because he had no idea how to go back to Alec after all the bad that had happened between them. He asked himself if there was even there even a way back and crumbled in on himself when he couldn't come up with a good answer.