AN: This scene was so beautifully done, but I wanted a little bit more. I wrote this last night after the episode aired to delve a little deeper into what was happening there. For the moment, I am going to pretend that final scene didn't actually happen. I have no idea where FitzSimmons is going this season, but I would really love for them to at least reestablish their friendship from the first season even if we never manage to get their romantic relationship off the ground.
Breaking Point
As Fitz watches her eyes fill with tears, he realizes this is the moment he's been waiting for, even if he didn't realize it until just now. This is the moment when she finally lets go of the tenacious hold she has kept on herself since her return. This is the moment when she finally begins to admit to herself that everything has changed and she can't cope with her new reality. She can't begin to claw her way back to who she used to be.
He decides then that he has to help her see she doesn't have to. She doesn't have to be who she was. She doesn't have to pretend that she's getting better and that once familiar noises don't send her head spinning and heart racing. She doesn't have to try so damn hard to be okay. All she has to do in this moment is allow herself to cry about what happened, for herself, and over what she's lost.
Watching her wander around like a ghost, desperate to fit herself into the spaces she left but failing miserably every time, has made him feel hollow and all but useless. His best intentions have only made her feel more out of place, but even though she is breaking apart in his arms, he feels like this is the first real progress they've made. This is the first time she's allowed herself to express what she's been keeping bottled up inside.
She's more tactile than she's been since their incident in the pod. Having been friends and partners for the past decade, they had long since lost any sense of personal barriers, but she had held back from even attempting to breach his personal space since her return from Hydra. He wonders now if that was as much to do with her feeling the need to serve penance for her choices as it was with his less than open reception of her. Now though, she constantly seeks out contact with him, whether that is resting her head on his lap after nightmares startle her from uneasy sleep, grasping his hand tightly as she struggles to reacclimatize to Earth's gravity, or now when the weight of her grief and confusion is too much for her to bear alone and she needs his shoulder to absorb her tears and heart wrenching sobs.
As her misery grows, he simply shifts sideways so he can pull her into a more comforting and private embrace. He'll hold her as long as she wants him to, but he knows that she won't want anymore of an audience for her tears. This isn't how he imagined this moment going, but if it helps her in some way or puts her on a path to recovery he won't have a single complaint.
Jemma clings to him desperately. She has been trying so hard to distance herself from what happened, but her body is still back on the planet and her mind can't even find refuge in the space that used to be her sanctuary. That, perhaps more than anything else she has experienced since her return, cements for her just how much she has changed. The lab and the old Jemma Simmons were basically synonymous, but now she can't bear to even stand by her old workstation as the hum of machinery constantly sends her into a panic.
She was trying not to dwell on how disoriented and uncomfortable she felt in her own body when Fitz entered her rooms and asked her to change into clothing he had brought. She wasn't sure what to expect as she slipped into the loose white blouse and black trousers, and he didn't reveal anything other than that he wanted to take her somewhere nice. Her foggy brain tried to make the connection to something that seemed important, but the memory eludes her until he walks her into the lovely and suspiciously empty restaurant.
She's strives desperately not to panic when the maître d addresses them. When she hears how long Fitz has kept this reservation, she feels overwhelmed by his faith in her eventual return. Since her rescue, she's managed to piece together a little of what he had gone through to recover her. As fragile as she clearly is, she can't help but feel that he must be disappointed in what little of her remains despite all his work and how little she can respond to his efforts now.
She pours herself into the effort to be the woman she wanted to be at this moment all those months ago, but the pressure of the situation quickly overwhelms her. She can't find the words to make him understand what his actions have meant to her. She doesn't know what to say as he almost cavalierly downplays his heroism. She knows that his love for her had been the driving force behind his tenacity and refusal to give in even when everyone else had, but she doesn't think he really understands just how awe-inspiring and staggering his actions are, especially to her after all they've been through together and apart.
As she looks down at the menu filled with tiny, seemingly endless text, she breaks. He's trying so hard to make this as easy and perfect for her as he can, but it isn't enough and she feels selfish for needing more and so unworthy of what he's already given. She wants to feel like herself. She wants to be able to choose something to eat and know that she'll be able to swallow more than a mouthful of it. She wants to drink the wine and enjoy this quiet, beautiful moment with him, but she can't.
Her misery, frustration, and guilt drown out any pleasant feelings she might otherwise have. Her brief attempts to quell her tears fail almost immediately. As he quietly dismisses their waiter and moves to her side, she feels the first tear fall hot and fast down her cheek. When he places a supporting arm around her, the damn breaks and she turns into his chest, hoping that at least this place of refuge hasn't been taken from her as well. Fortunately, it hasn't. His hold is as comforting as it has ever been, and she finally stops trying to hold back the devastation that permeates every inch of her mind and soul. She is broken, but he'll help her hold what is left of the shattered pieces together until she can rebuild herself again.
Fin.
I am actually planning to get back into Potential Limitations tonight after work. I think writing these sorter reaction fics has really helped me to find my voice again, so I finally feel like I can do the rest of that story justice. I'll also work to finish Retrograde as soon as possible since that is a complete departure from canon now.
Thanks for reading.