This filk (song parody) was waaaay too much fun to write. It was a bit of a challenge, but as soon as I conceived of the title, I had no choice in the matter; I HAD to get it done.
I respectfully dedicate this song to
Maddy Blaustein,
whose voice work made Meowth the dry-witted, down-to-earth,
and utterly loveable rascal that he is in the dubbed series.
We all raise our glasses to you.
MASTERFUL MEOWTH
(Tune: "Master of the House" from Les Miserables)
CAST:
MEOWTH, an amazing talking Pokémon
JESSIE AND JAMES, his partners in crime
MEOWTH'S CHORUS, his most ardent admirers; composed of...
1. MONDO of Team Rocket (tenor) (from the Japanese CD drama, "Team Rocket's White Tomorrow");
2. CASSANDRA the Herbalist (soprano) (from "The Problem with Paras" );
3. some MEOWTH-WORSHIPPING ISLANDERS (from "Meowth Rules" ), a crowd of about 20 people in cat ears, male and female.
Act I
(On a dark stage MEOWTH walks forward to the lit zone downstage. As the music begins, the spotlights increase until he is a bright figure against the shadows. He has a smug and cunning look on his face.)
MEOWTH (points accusingly at the audience):
Look out, you Twoips,
Your plans are foiled,
You've met the smartest
Meowth in the woild.
Jimmy and Jess,
They ain't too bad—
But next to Meowth,
Don't they just look sad?
Seldom do you see
Pokemon like me,
Gracious, and loquacious,
And undoubtfully...
a...
Masterful Meowth!
Brighter than my charm,
Thieving and deceiving you with great aplomb!
Haven't got the hair,
Haven't got the rose,
But I'm the one who's working while my partners pose!
I'm the genius of Team Rocket,
I'm the brains who runs the show!
When they've done the motto,
Meowth has gotta tell'em where to go!
(Enter MEOWTH'S CHORUS, walking forward from the shadows upstage to stand in a line behind him, with MONDO and CASSANDRA slightly forward, leading the singing.)
CHORUS:
Masterful Meowth!
MEOWTH:
Brain instead'a brawn,
Talkin to the humans and the Pokemon!
Got a way with words,
It's my expertise,
Bit of a philosopher (in Japanese!)
Tell ya what your best friend's sayin',
Translator is in the house!
HEY! Wait a freakin' minute --
Gotta know what's in it for Meowth!
CHORUS:
Masterful Meowth!
CASSANDRA (solo):
Friend if you're in need!
ISLANDERS (in unison):
Generous, inspiring!
MONDO (solo):
And wise indeed!
MEOWTH:
Battle with my wits,
Intellect prevails,
Hit'em with da Fury Swipes when all else fails!
Always got a back-up plan, 'cause
Negotiations might go south...
Lemme tell ya straight—
Don't never underestimate Meowth!
Act II
(The CHORUS fades back into the shadows upstage as MEOWTH is once again the sole bright figure, standing alone thinking to himself.)
MEOWTH: (Imagining Giovanni in front of him):
Hiya there, Boss!
Man, you look great!
Uh, been a long time...
S-sorry we're late...?
Don't worry none,
'Cause we got a plot;
That Pikachu
Is good as caught!
(turns slightly to one side and folds his arms, mutters to himself)
D'ja see that Persian smirk?
Yeah—laugh while you still can!
While I just get to work
On my brand-new plan….
Masterful Meowth!
Quick to set a trap,
Got a tack for taking back the Boss's lap!
Hit a little slump,
Worst I ever faced;
Everything was peachy till I got displaced
Gonna be the Boss's favorite,
Gonna be Top Cat again!
I'm the better version,
Persian's gonna get it in the end!
Ha!
Dig a deeper hole,
Hang a higher net,
Camouflage it better, and I'm not done yet -
Rig a bigger charge,
Work around the clock,
Insulate the mecha from electric shock!
Plans are always incubatin',
I hatch'em like a Togepi!
I favor catch-and-carry,
Rare and legendary,
Scary! All this genius comes from me!
(The CHORUS steps back into the lights to join him)
CHORUS:
Masterful Meowth!
Friend if you're in need,
Generous, inspiring,
And wise indeed!
Rare as any Mew,
Brilliant to the core,
Strategist, philosopher,
And so much more!
MEOWTH:
Here's to me, the one-and-only
Number One by word-of-mouth!
I'll overcome disaster,
Fast, or even faster,
After all, I'm Masterful Meowth!
(The CHORUS lifts MEOWTH triumphantly and carry him offstage, cheering.)
Act III
(After a pause, a light fades up on two figures in white, sitting atop a structure upstage. They are back-to-back with woeful looks.)
(A violin of pathos joins the orchestra.)
JESSIE:
Once we were the best...
JAMES:
...but something went amiss.
JESSIE:
Could someone please tell us,
JAMES:
How'd we end up with this...?
(They leap down and step forward, folding their arms...)
JESSIE:
"Masterful Meowth"...?
JAMES:
Sorry little cat
JESSIE:
Self-involved, conceited little—
JAMES:
—sharp-clawed brat!
JESSIE:
Thinks he's such a brain
JAMES:
Makes a big to-do
BOTH:
Just as bad as we are catching Pikachu!
JAMES:
He's our little freak of nature,
JESSIE:
Beaten daily by a mouse!
BOTH:
God knows how we've lasted, working with this nasty ole' Meowth!
(Enter CHORUS again, singing blithely on as Jessie and James half-shout to be heard over them.)
CHORUS:
Masterful Meowth
JESSIE:
Masterful at zilch!
CHORUS:
Strategist, philosopher,
JAMES: And fat-pawed filch!
CHORUS:
Rare as any Mew,
Brilliant to the core!
JAMES:
Irritable, lazy—
JESSIE:
—and a great big bore!
CHORUS:
He's the genius of Team Rocket
JESSIE:
Whose ego's bigger than his mouth!
CHORUS:
Let's hear it for the best-in-cast—!
JAMES:
Exasperating and outclassed!
CHORUS:
The one-and-only, unsurpassed—
(An expectant pause; after a beat, Meowth flips down from above to land on one knee, spreading his arms in a 'ta-da!' gesture.)
MEOWTH:
This Masterful Meoooowwwwth!
MEOWTH!
(Finis)