Made of marble
(there's probs gonna be a ton of fics by this name but I don't care)
AOU, Natasha deals with her shit.
Lullaby they call it.
"Nat, we need a lullaby"
This…gift seems misplaced. The first time it happens she is terrified. The battle had ended and the hulk was still raging on, smashing things like he tended to do. At times, it seems as though Bruce has some semblance of control. But when a "code green" happens unintentionally, the control is less apparent. This was one of those times.
When people are shooting at him, the Hulk tends to target those people over his teammates, so it hadn't caused many problems. They had gotten in the habit of just staying out of the way and letting him wear himself out.
For taking remote hydra bases in the middle of nowhere, all he did was tear apart the countryside. This time though, they were in the middle of a city and he was tearing up the street and buildings; and scaring the citizens who were either frozen in terror or running for their life.
What could they do? They hadn't intended to have Bruce get involved, and the accidental transformation made the hulk all the more unpredictable.
He terrified her, so she kept her distance, praying that Cap or Tony might be able to talk him down, but every word out of Tony's mouth only seemed to rile him up more. Thor stepped in to try and wrangle him, keep him contained at least. But he broke away, tossing Thor like a rag doll and changed toward the crowd.
Natasha was the closest.
Fuck.
Biting back her instant terror, she threw herself between him and the people. The hulk came to a halt in front of her and snarled. Behind her, a child whimpered loudly. Natasha winced.
Yeah, you and me both kid, Natasha thought to herself.
She forced herself to keep her voice calm. "hey there big guy…" he snarled again, barring his teeth, but did not attack. She crouched down, both making herself small and non-threatening as possible, and making certain she couls move quickly should he decide to attack.
Slowly, carefully, she removed her glove and held out her hand, hoping that maybe some human connection would help bring Bruce to the forefront. He considered her outstretch hand like a wary cat meeting a stranger, then slowly reached forward with his gigantic, powerful fist until their skin touched. She had to forcibly prevent herself from shuttering at the contact.
She spoke softly to him, "sun's getting real low…time to go home" he turned his hand until it was palm up and allowed her to run hers softly over his palm then jerked away suddenly. His sudden movement startled her. When he growled low at her, she was certain she had made a terrible mistake and watched with her heart in her throat as he stumbled around like a giant agitated ape.
Just when she thought he might lash out at her, his skin paled and his muscles rippled. She let out a relieved breath as he shrank down to size and collapsed. Behind her the crowd cheered. She could barely hear them over the sound of her own heartbeat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She was NEVER going to try that again.
Bruce smiled at her gratefully from across the jet on the flight home. She returned the smile half-heartedly, all of her energy going toward keeping her legs from collapsing out from under her.
Later, when they are back at the tower, she's finally able to get away from everyone. Clint meets her eyes as she leaves with knowing and understanding written in his expression. She knows without having to ask that he will run interference for her and keep everyone away for the next couple of hours. She goes directly to the bathroom in her suite and promptly throws up.
After that, Natasha became the official "hulk whisperer" (fuck you Tony). The one who would confront the Hulk and calm him down. Bring the man out in the beast. For whatever reason, they decided she was best suited for it, despite the fact that Clint seemed to be able to manage the same results on a few occasions when she was otherwise occupied kicking the crap out of some wanna-be hydra trash.
She can't help but feel a little sick to her stomach whenever she's needed. She uses the same phrases every time, which reminds her of her own training, but tells herself that it was NOT programming, she's not manipulating Bruce but rather providing something familiar for him to latch onto. Though it is a small comfort to know that she has some kind of power over the Hulk, some form of defense against the terrifying beast that once chased her through the hellicarrier.
She noticed a shift in her relationship with Bruce as well. A new awkwardness and timidity that was different from before. Lingering glances. He started taking advantage of any opportunity to spend time with her in some way. It was…not entirely unwelcome. It was a strange dynamic that she had never experienced before with anyone other than a mark.
At first she thinks their friendship has simply deepened. She's happy for it; hopeful that the closer her relationship is with Bruce, the easier it might be to calm the Hulk. She's read the files on Betty Ross, his old flame. All reports indicated that the Hulk always responded positively to the woman whom Bruce had loved.
It's the thought of Dr. Ross that makes her realizes exactly what has changed with Bruce.
With all that has happened. First with Loki, then with the fall of SHIELD and pouring out all her secrets for the world to see; Natasha decides to go for it. She still feels raw and shaken, her entire identity was wrapped up in SHIELD and clearing her ledger. She's never had a real relationship with anyone. It never seemed…possible. Not event with Clint who had been the first person to show her that she had worth beyond being a tool with a useful and rare skillset. Fury had sent her after Banner with the same message.
And suddenly she can see all the ways in which they are alike.
So she encourages his affection. He's hesitant. Of course he is, what with the whole green rage monster thing. But she's determined. A girl on a mission. And she's never failed a mission.
He's sweet and funny, and they both struggle with being "monsters." And for a while it seems to make sense.
Then Ultron happens. And a little girl reaches into her head and dredges up all the things she'd long buried. Things that were not even in the files she leaked onto the internet. Things that only one other living soul knew about.
She thought she had pulled herself together after the Triskelion. She thought she could move on from the days of keeping a ledger and just be a woman. Maybe even a woman in love.
Waiting outside the bathroom to use the shower surrounded by the life that Clink had forged for himself in spite of the being a spy, an assassin, and an avenger makes her think. They made Clint so deliriously happy, and they had adopted her into the fold, calling her aunty Nat. The little one was to be her namesake. It was everything she never had. Everything she was told she could never have. Impossible things she had never thought to want because it had never been possible to have. It made her heart ache.
She had come to terms with everything long, long ago. It was impossible, so why dwell on it? What's done is done. You can't go back you can only move forward.
But the dream is fresh in her mind and there are children's drawings on the walls, and toys on the ground, and Bruce is standing in front of her lamenting that he cannot give her any of it. It was almost enough to make her laugh. In her mind, they were two puzzle pieces that fit together in that way.
Later, she would think it was probably the dumbest thing to come out of her mouth, but she allowed herself a brief flight of fancy. Decided to push a little harder to further the budding relationship between then. She lets a portion of her secrets slip past her lips to make the connection between them, and then asks him to go away with her.
That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship right? Give away bits of yourself and receive bits in return? From her experience, it was the best way to get people to do what she wanted, lacing her lies with small truths about herself. It was how she drew out Loki…
They could run away. Try to find some kind of ordinary. Go to some far corner of the earth like where she had sought him out all those years ago. Find some way to help people that isn't so destructive. They could do it together. Maybe they could be happy. It wouldn't be that hard to do and in that moment she felt like it was what she wanted more than anything.
He turns her down, and she finds herself relieved.
When they leave the farm, she says goodbye to the kids. Pulling each one close and kissing them gently, putting her hand on Laura's belly to feel a kick, and hugging the woman in turn. She watches Clint do the same, promising to come back. The moment calls to mind the sight of Clint on the ground, writhing in pain and she realizes she could never have left. Could never allow Clint and the rest of them to go into battle; to face certain death without her. She would not abandon them.
She's taken.
It kinda pisses her off to be taken prisoner by Ultron. But this is what she's good at.
She plays up the terror, pretending to be far more afraid than she really is. Though she had to admit, watching Ultron tear himself apart was truly startling.
Ultron is like a petulant child. He's happy to have her there. His other pets abandoned him. Probably because they came to realize just how insane Ultron really was and jumped ship. He wants to show off. Wants an audience just like Loki, just like Stark. She can use this to her advantage and try to gain some useful intel for her team. So she stays put, knowing that the team is coming for her.
She MacGyvers a communication device, using Morse code to tell them what she can. Clint is listening for her, looking for her because he's Clint. They've both proved in the past just what lengths they were willing to go to in order to protect one another. Taipei, Abidjan…Budapest. She'd tear down to sky for him and he for her if that was what it took.
Ultron leaves. When it doesn't look like he'll be returning anytime soon, she begins to look for a way out.
This is when Bruce shows up. She's surprised by the disappointment that bubbles up in her. She had expected Clint. But Bruce is the one she's been courting; the one she's been trying to convince to be something more.
He calls her "Tasha" and the nickname sounds foreign on his lips.
She had asked him when he was going to trust her. Trust her with his whole self, hulk included. But just then she realized she'd never even considered trusting him with her whole self. Not like she did with Clint. She only gave out minuscule pieces so that he might give himself over to her entirely. Hardly a fair trade.
He feeds her words back to her. Let's runaway.
"You've done enough" he says.
No. I haven't. It will never be enough.
She's not like Clint; who fights because it's the right thing to do, because he has something precious to protect. She fights because she wants to balance the scales. Because she owes it to the world for all the terrible things she had done to it, even after she was free from the control of the red room, when she made decisions for herself.
She's not like Clint. But she wants to be.
She smiles brightly at him. It's genuine and not forced, which is rare for her.
"I adore you." and she does. He's helped her to rediscover the kind of woman she wants to be. She faltered after SHIELD fell. She's been falling since and just now feels as though she has managed to get her feet once again on firm ground.
It's in that moment that she decides the kind of person she wants to be. And that person does not runaway for the sake of love, but stands and fights for the sake of love. She will not abandon them.
She kisses him. Their first and last, she decides. She wonders if he can sense the change in her. If he knows that this, whatever it is between them, is over.
When she breaks away, he seems dazed.
"…but I need the other guy" she kicks him over the edge and she can't even bring herself to feel bad at the look of shock on his face before he disappears out of sight. When the Hulk appears and doesn't immediately rip her to shreds, she likes to believe it's because he's just as relieved as she was when he turned her down the first time.
Bruce is gone. And she's surprised how much it affects her. She's not quite sure how to deal with it. She's certain that ending their…whatever, was for the best, but she can't help feeling like she's the one who drove him away.
This is a new experience. She's never broken up with someone.
"Ice cream" She starts at the sound of his warm and gruff voice.
She turns to find Clint leaning against the doorframe with a small smile pulling at his lips, like he's amused that she's experiencing something so…normal. "It's the cure all."
She gives him an incredulous look which he shakes off with a small laugh and then disappears into the kitchen. After a moment she follows him. He's waiting, perched on a stool at the island with a carton of mint chocolate chip, his favorite not hers, and two spoons. They eat directly from the container in companionable silence.
Once upon a time perhaps they could have been something more than best friends. It reminded her of years ago, before the avengers, but long after she has joined SHIELD and partnered with Clint.
It had been a rough day. A long day. They'd won in the end, but it had been a hard win at great cost and many people had been hurt in the process. Natasha stood back and out of the way as doctors and medics scurried around doing triage and treating the wounded.
Clint came up behind her quietly. "you okay?"
"fine" she said, dismissively.
He pulled her aside anyways, dragging her to a quiet room away from prying eyes. Wordlessly he peeled away enough of her suit to reveal the wound in her shoulder. He sighed heavily before getting to work on cleaning, stitching, and bandaging the wound with fresh gauze.
"If you're hurt, you need to say something" it was nothing, there were people worse off than her that needed the doctors attentions more than she did. She was a quick healer anyway.
When she didn't say anything, he continued. "You don't have to act all though Tasha. Everyone knows how tough you are" He sounded genuinely upset and concerned…for her. She turned toward him, an eyebrow arched in surprise. "What? You know you're my best friend right?"
She's still not quite sure what came over her, she couldn't help it; she captured his lips with her own.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. She remembered thinking at the time.
This would ruin everything. He would be furious. He was married to a beautiful and wonderful woman, with a kindergartener and a toddler. He was a devoted husband and father. She'd seen it. They'd welcomed her in to their lives and she was throwing that trust and friendship away.
She only ever ruined things, could never make them grow properly. She always perverted any good that came her way…
Before she could pull away, however, he surprised her by wrapping his arms around her, pulling her close and deepening the kiss.
It was too short. He pulled away enough to rest his forehead against hers, but didn't meet her eyes.
"Tasha..." he breathed out. She put her fingers to his lips.
"I know." She tried to keep the sadness out of her voice. She knew what he was going to say. Knew he was right. But she didn't want to actually hear him voice it.
He held her for a moment longer before gently kissing her forehead and pulling away suddenly and completely. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. She had never felt so cold.
Then, just as suddenly as she had kissed him, they both shifted gears. Moving in tandem to clean up the medical supplies and then exiting the room to help where they could in the aftermath of the battle.
It is what it is.
They left the moment behind. They never spoke of it again, and never let it affect their partnership or relationship.
She wonders if he ever told Laura about it. He tells his wife everything about himself, but guard's Natasha's secrets closely. Wonders how she would or did react. She never treated Natasha as a threat to her marriage, only ever as a friend…more than a friend. Family.
After a little while, the kids come running into the kitchen chasing each other followed by Laura with little Nathanial in her arms. Clint scooped up a giggling Lila, settling her on his lap. His daughter stole his spoon and dug into the ice cream. Laura deposited a sleeping baby into Natasha arms without a word, and grabbed spoon for herself and Cooper.
Startled, Natasha held the tiny human stiffly in her arms not entirely sure of what to do. Clint's bark of laughter cut through her.
"He's not gonna bite you Tasha." She made a face at him before adjusting her grip like she'd seen Clint and Laura do.
She marveled at him. So tiny and soft.
She always thought if anyone was ever to be named after her; it would be a young girl who was meant to share her fate. A cruel gesture meant to be a challenge to the asset. To give her big shoes to fill and push her to be better, stronger, harsher than any of her opponents. The make the girl become more like her.
Never had she imagined it would be a tiny baby who was dearly loved…who she dearly loved. Who would grow up surrounded by his family and taught how to be kind toward others, to value life, to love.
The Black Widow was not created to be a hero. Was not supposed to create, or love, or be kind; to do the right thing or to protect the innocent. She wasn't meant to have a family. But somehow she'd managed to find one anyways.
She's not bitter about what might have been between her and Bruce, or even her and Clint. Looking down at the tiny baby who is named for her, she realizes that it's enough. She's enough. She fights to protect those she's loves, her team. her friends. Clint's Family...no…her family.
As she said her goodbyes and left for the Avengers facility to assist Steve with training the new team, she finally, finally felt like she had begun to discover herself.
She's not an assassin, or a monster, or a SHIELD agent, or someone's lover, or even an Avenger.
She is her own woman. First. Last. Always.
I hope this is some what coherent. I've only seen AOU once. Also, I wrote this at 4am...seems I'm only productive when I'm speep deprive. go figure. Review...let me know what you think.