Author's Notes: Crack, utter crack, AU scenario, crack-pairing, and silly swear words. I need to lay off the Dr Pepper LOL

Optimus wasn't too happy when his arm was cut off. First off, it meant he was most definitely screwed, f*cked and certainly doomed to die, a fact punctuated by the shield smacking his face and knocking him to the floor. Second off, it meant his legendary kill-streak was finally going to end, and Optimus always hated it when something ruined his killing sprees. It's like on Halo, when you're doing great until the n00b spams you with the goddamn rocket launcher.

F*ck Sentinel and his goddamn shield.

A blade impaled Optimus and dragged him along the bridge, increasing the amount of suck this day was, the poor truck whining in pain as Sentinel snarled: "We were Gods once, All of us!"

Bull-sh*t. The day Bumblebee was a god was the day Optimus asked Shockwave (deceased, thankfully) to have a staring contest with him.

No offence to Bumblebee, of course.

Nevertheless, the flame-decorated Prime, desperate for some kind of mercy from his old mentor, even if not to him, then at least his Autobot friends (Except Leadfoot. Optimus hated that guy, the fat f*ck), reached up with his functional arm, gripped the fire-truck's chest and pleaded: "Please!"

It was stupid to beg, but as aforementioned, anything was better then: Lie here feeling sorry for yourself before death

Uncaring and being a jerk, Sentinel merely kicked Optimus off him and stated: "But here? There can only be one!"

Optimus was vaguely reminded of a famous phrase, but was too busy lying there, feeling sorry for himself, before death, as the fire-truck raised his awesome double-bladed blade over him, ready to impale him, skewer him, pwn him, and send him to the afterlife. Again.

Just before the older Prime could execute his protege, a mighty cannon blast sounded, and a rocket hit Sentinel in the back, completely shredding the right wing-cape thing ("Ow, sh*t, my cape!"), followed by a second shot, then a third, as a black blur lunged forward, seized Sentinel and neatly swung-flung him onto the ground, proceeding to kick the crap out of him and shoot his other wing-cape thing off ("Ow, sh*t, my other cape!")

Surprised by his rescue, Optimus turned around with his one arm, and was astonished to see none other then Ironhide, whom punched off his victim's fancy helmet, roaring: "No-one metaphorically back-stabs Ironhide! Taste my justice, asshole!"

With that, Ironhide picked up Sentinel, kneed him in the groin, punched out a window, tore off some abdomen and head-butted him, all while Sentinel complained of f*cking hacks and stupid AU scenarios while his crap was being beat out of him.

At last, Ironhide was somewhat satisfied with the ownage he had unleashed (Which was never enough, for your information) and dumped the Prime on the floor, before turning to Optimus and stating smugly: "Saved your ass again, Optimus. You owe me so much oil, it's crazy."

"Ironhide, I thought you were rusted and dead. How are you alive?"

The GMC thought about this, helping Optimus to his feet, before shrugging and replying: "Hell if I know. I was rusting and dying, then I wasn't, somehow, so I came over here, peed on Starscream's corpse and also popped over to save you from this guy."

Ironhide pointed to 'this guy', who was lying on the floor, muttering to himself and leaking oil.

"That's an amazing story." Optimus mused. "I thought I was the only one to die and come back to life."

"You need a Deus Ex Machina- I mean, Matrix of Leadership to come back to life." Ironhide bragged. "I only need my own awesomeness."

"Whatever. What do we do with him?"

Optimus gestured to 'this guy', who was still lying there.

Ironhide considered this: "I suppose we'll do what any noble, heroic character does when confronted with the defeat of his mentor and old friend, utterly helpless and pleading for forgiveness and mercy ("I'm sorry to betray you, forgiveness and mercy plz." Sentinel whined), in a true test of past loyalty, friendship and noble virtue, in this strange and oddly surreal scenario of master and student, traitor and defender, in a land we fought to preserve and safeguard-

-We take a shotgun and shoot his ass off, LOL."

"That doesn't sound noble."

"Shotguns are fun."

"But we don't have one."

Optimus and Ironhide contemplated the lack of shotguns, before the former sighed and decreed: "I guess we'll take him prisoner. Call Ratchet to handcuff him or something."

"Fine. Oh, by the way, Leadfoot wants a word with you."

The Prime promptly turned round and noted the red Wrecker behind him. "Oh. What do you want-"

POW!

Optimus hit the floor, groaning in pain, for the race-car had just punched him so hard, it hurt. A lot.

"That's for calling me fat, prick!"

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice- I mean, somewhere else, yet nearby

Megatron observed as Ironhide and Leadfoot laughed at a whining Optimus and a miserable Sentinel, before grumbling at the blonde girl behind him: "Would you believe it? Ironhide came back to life and stole my heroic moment! Now my sole bad-ass scene is ruined. Allspark damn it."

Carly merely shrugged: "Oh well. We can't win them all. Well, except the Autobots, pretty much. Excluding Wheeljack. Or Q. Or whatever his name was."

The Decepticon sighed as he clenched his fists in frustration. "Well, now what? I've got no army, no master plan, no slaves, no planet for myself, no Starscream to beat up. All I do have is my cape and my shotgun. Oh, and some babies in Africa or whatever."

The duo paused, contemplating Megatron's options, the girl somewhat thoughtful, the truck merely depressed, before he finally sighed and somewhat shyly asked: "Wanna go out somewhere? I can traverse oceans somehow, despite being a truck, so we could go to Hawaii."

"I guess. Better you then that f*cking Mercedes." Carly agreed, shrugging. This whole war thing had probably taken a strain on her, so a vacation would be lovely.

Satisfied that at least one thing had gone his way, Megatron turned into a truck, allowed Carly to climb into his cab, and the two drove off into the sunset.

Sam was not pleased. But who cares?

Author's Notes: An idle mind is a dangerous thing. But funny, I suppose XD