The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is hidden in some straws. I just heard this piece of news and wondered how the Figgis Agency gang would react to it.
The Next To Last Straw
"You will not believe what happened to me this morning!" Mallory snapped as she stormed into the Figgis Agency. Ray, Pam, Lana and Cheryl were in the bullpen.
"Try us," Ray remarked. "We are rather gullible."
"Some more than others," Lana sighed as she looked at Cheryl happily sniffing some glue.
"On my way into work I felt slightly…" Mallory paused. "Unsettled in my stomach. So, I decided to get a small cup of ginger ale from that café next door."
"What did you do?" Cheryl asked. "Have two grapes instead of one for breakfast?"
"Shut up," Mallory glared at her. Turning to the others she continued. "When I got my drink, I didn't get a straw. I yelled at them of course but the woman at the counter had the audacity to tell me that if I wanted a straw I should have asked for it! Can you believe the nerve?"
"She probably didn't give you one in anticipation of this new law that's being debated in the California senate," Lana said. "If it passes, it will be illegal for sit down restaurants to offer straws unless a customer specifically asks for it."
"Hang on," Mallory did a double take. "This is a thing? This is actually a thing?"
"If this law passes it will be," Lana said.
"Just when I thought this state could not get any stupider…" Mallory groaned.
"I would have thought you would be in favor of laws like these," Lana remarked.
"Depends on what you're drinking," Mallory said. "I mean if you're drinking a scotch or wine I could see it. But regular things like sodas or water…"
"When was the last time you drank water?" Pam asked. "I'm seriously asking."
"I drink water," Mallory sniffed. "Ever hear of this new invention called an ice cube?"
"I meant straight water," Pam said.
"You mean water for straight people?" Cheryl asked. "That's just wrong. Water should be for everyone. Even elephants that are about to get electrocuted. Actually, it might make it easier to electrocute them if you put them in water."
"Carol…" Mallory groaned. "I can only handle one form of idiocy at a time."
"It's part of an effort to cut down on landfills and waste," Lana explained. "Disposable plastics have huge detrimental effects on oceans, water resources and the earth."
"But to make it a law that waiters and waitresses can't just give you a straw?" Mallory asked. "Hello Nanny State!"
"That was the name of one of my nannies!" Cheryl spoke up.
"What?" Mallory looked at her.
"Nanny Bertha State," Cheryl said. "She was a nice nanny. I had her for quite a while. Until she died in that horrible traffic accident."
"As I was saying…" Lana began.
"She got run over by a car when she went to retrieve a ball," Cheryl added. "The ball was destroyed too. It was a nice ball. A red ball."
Lana tried again. "The problem is…"
"My mother threw the ball into the street and ordered her to get it," Cheryl went on. "I think it was because she figured out she was screwing my father. And my grandfather. Well I don't think she was as mad about my grandfather because she didn't have much of a choice with him as…"
"Can we please take a detour from The Land of Tunt and finish our conversation here?" Lana snapped.
"Fine! I'll have my conversation over here!" Cheryl snapped as she stormed into the next room. "Hello Cheryl, how are you doing? My co-workers are crazy bitches. That's how I'm doing!"
Ray remarked. "The Tunts make the Lannisters look like sane rational people."
"I'm betting the Lannisters didn't kill as many people," Lana added.
"Odds are they're pretty much the same on the whole incest thing," Pam added.
"Oh yeah," Ray nodded.
"Definitely," Mallory agreed.
"That is a very likely possibility," Lana agreed.
"Anyway," Lana sighed. "As I was saying. If this bill passes waiters that serve a drink with a straw without being asked could face up to 6 months in jail and a fine up to a thousand dollars."
"Are you serious?" Ray was stunned.
"Holy straw snacks!" Pam gasped.
"That's too draconian even for me!" Mallory was stunned. "I mean I can see a small fine. Or even stiff them on the tip, definitely. But jail time? Seriously? What's next? Twenty years for not folding your napkin correctly?"
"So much for my backup plan of being a waitress if this whole detective agency doesn't pan out," Pam groaned. "You could get in just as much trouble as in underground fighting!"
"Now if we were talking about jail time or fines for rudeness," Mallory went on. "That I could see. That's reasonable."
"It's amazing what you think is reasonable," Ray looked at her.
Mallory ignored him. "But you're talking about punishing a waiter for doing his job! Trying to anticipate a customer's needs! That's insane!"
"And that's her saying that," Ray pointed.
"I agree the punishment is a little severe," Lana admitted.
"A little severe?" Ray snapped. "What's next? They chop your hands off if you ask for an extra napkin?"
Cheryl poked her head back in. "Great Grandmother Tunt often remarked about chopping servants' hands off if they didn't give her extra napkins. Actually, now that I think about it, she made that kind of threat a lot. Never followed through. At least when she was living with us. However, there were rumors about when she was young back in the slave owning days…"
"Don't you have an argument with yourself you need to win?" Mallory snapped.
"Nah, we agreed to disagree," Cheryl walked back into the room.
"A lot of cities already have a similar law in effect," Lana said. "Seattle…"
"Just another reason to not visit that dreary rain soaked liberal wasteland," Mallory groaned.
"The Californian cities of Davis and San Luis Obispo," Lana added.
"I didn't know the existence of those cities," Mallory admitted. "And that gives me even less motivation to visit them."
"They are arguing to repeal the fines in the bill…" Lana went on.
"Oh, so they're just going to punish them with jail time?" Ray asked sarcastically. "Much more reasonable."
"Straws aren't good for you anyway," Lana said. "It's said that all that repetitive sucking will cause lines around your mouth."
"Oh please!" Mallory waved. "That's just an old wives' tale. If that was true Pam's face would look like a Shar Pei's with all the beer milkshakes she's drunk all over the years!"
"They're not good for the environment," Lana added. "Millions of straws pollute the oceans and rivers every year."
"And yet I've seen you suck on a straw quite a few times," Ray remarked.
"Hey! Yeah!" Pam realized.
"Such a hypocrite," Cheryl nodded.
"I am not!" Lana snapped.
"Lana," Mallory looked at her. "You keep saying how wonderful this law is for your precious environment. But you use these so-called destroyers of the environment! How is that not hypocritical?"
"Yeah!" Cheryl and Pam said as one.
"I never said we shouldn't use straws!" Lana snapped. "I just think we should cut down on them. That's all! Or use paper ones that are biodegradable."
"Silly Lana," Cheryl snickered. "Even I know if a straw is made out of paper it just gets wet and useless."
"Like you at a car wash," Ray looked at her.
"Well I wanted the car to be washed on the inside as well!" Cheryl snapped. "That's why you leave the sunroof down!"
"My point is…" Lana was losing her patience.
"You actually have a point?" Pam asked.
"My point is," Lana went on. "We should do more to conserve resources for the environment. Small changes now would save us from making big changes later."
"What changes?" Pam asked.
"Finding another planet to live on?" Lana gave her a look. "Because the Earth is too polluted."
"Oh yeah," Pam conceded. "That would be a bitch wouldn't it?"
"What are we expected to do Lana?" Ray asked. "Bring in our own straws?"
"That's what some of my uncles and aunts did," Cheryl spoke up. "They had their very own solid gold and silver straws made. Monogrammed and everything. They always went missing. Great Grandmother Tunt always blamed it on the servants. But it turned out she was stealing them herself. Of course, we found this out after we had some of our best servants fired and/or deported."
"Oh, dear Lord," Ray rolled his eyes.
"You know for a woman who always made a big deal about chopping people's hands off for stealing things…" Cheryl went on. "She stole quite a few things herself. Just like Lana she was a hypocrite."
"I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE!" Lana shouted.
"Well now you're just in denial," Cheryl shrugged. "Just like Great Grandmother Tunt. Even when she was caught red handed with the straws in her purse. And some of the neighbor's silverware. And Uncle Thaddeus' teeth. And some pliers she used to pry them out of his mouth."
"I swear to God," Mallory groaned. "I can't imagine a more twisted family than the Tunts."
Ray added. "Steven King and VC Andrews combined couldn't imagine a more twisted family than the Tunts."
"When Mother found out she went through the roof!" Cheryl went on. "She was so mad. She had to fire Mrs. Witherleaves, her favorite servant because of Great Grandmother's accusations. Not only was Mrs. Witherleaves the only one who did Mother's hair the way she liked it. She was the only one not sleeping with my father or grandfather. Of course, Mrs. Witherleaves looked like a dried-up stick so…"
"So, what happened?" Lana asked.
"That's when my parents decided that it would be best to lock Great Grandmother Tunt in the attic," Cheryl remarked. "Along with Cousin Woolsey."
"They locked your cousin and great grandmother in an attic?" Pam gasped.
"Well there's the VC Andrews part," Ray sighed.
"Oh, Cousin Woolsey wasn't a person," Cheryl explained. "He was my father's pet chimpanzee. He and my Great Grandmother did not get along."
"I'm guessing the chimp wasn't too happy having your great grandmother sharing his living space," Pam said.
"The bright side was he didn't have to share it with her for very long," Cheryl remarked. "Let's just say my great grandmother had a closed casket funeral. And Cousin Woolsey was soon stuffed and mounted in the study."
"I remember seeing that thing at Tunt Manor," Mallory realized. "The one over the doorway and looked like it was going to murder you at any minute."
"Well not anymore," Cheryl waved. "What were we talking about again?"
"Straws," Mallory got up and left the room. "Coincidentally you lot are working on my last one!"