A/N: This is to celebrate my 500th reviewer for 'Rewrite'! I asked Kris126 – the lucky reviewer – what they wanted for a oneshot/drabble. They told me, "A Merzimio and Kurtofsky double-date." Well, bb: this is what I'm giving ya. ;D

They've been going out for a while now. He started digging her when they were doing 'Thriller' together; he liked her attitude, her witty remarks, her body, her laugh, her clothing and how the articles hung on her. And, little did she realize, they attended the same church (at least, that's what he figured out when he actually went with his family to a sermon).

So, naturally, Azimio finally decided to ask out the one and only Mercedes Jones.

At first, she refused. Profusely. Listing all of his mistakes – slushying the Glee Club, being a general asshole – but, finally, after some charming on his part and deliberation on hers, they began dating. And now they genuinely like each other.

But after a while, some things happened. Small things; trivial, really. Everything was totally fine, though. Really.

Okay, so not really. Things were awful.

Azimio had to stop his best bud Karofsky from nearly offing himself. Well, okay, so it wasn't really suicide, but it was pretty close: the dude wanted to join Glee Club. And while Az thought it was cool that Mercedes was in the show choir, it's because she's a girl and she has a powerful voice.

But Dave? The dude is a guy, in football, and Az doesn't know if his pal can sing well or not, but he shouldn't need to know. It's just… lame.

It opened up a whole can of worms. Dave got all defensive and angry, and in the pivotal moment of their little friend-fight, Dave confessed something real hardcore: he's gay. As queer as a three-dollar bill. He fuckin' waves a rainbow flag.

And this is something that Az, at first, could just not deal with. And why should he have to deal, anyway?

Oh. Right. Because Karofsky's his homeboy. His best friend. His right-hand man.

And so, reluctantly, Azimio decided to help his confused and closeted friend. He asked his girlfriend for advice, since she has a gay guy for a best friend, too. But Az made sure to play it cool, being vague and stuff, saying that he knew someone who was going through a rough time as a gay, and Mercedes jokingly asked if he was gay since he seemed to like her just fine, and Azimio has to assure her with a sarcastic remark or two that he ain't fuckin' gay, just one of his close friends is, and that friend is miserable as all Hell.

Then that's when he got the idea.

Azimio told Dave, "Dude, my girl has connections. She and I can totally hook you up with some great guy to get you back on your feet. I'm tired of you being so fuckin' scared and depressed all the time; 's not cool, man! Live a little! You're like a fuckin' boss in this school. Ther's no reason for you to be actin' like this." And, almost patronizingly, he added with a smirk, "Man up, Karofsky."

Azimio approached Mercedes with the idea the very next day via text. 'Hey, sweet thang. Look, you know that gay friend o' mine who needs a d8?I got an idea 4 him, and I think it'd benefit ur friend, too. Think it'd b OK if we set him and Hummel up on a blind double-date wit da 2 of us? – Az.'

There was a gap in time until he got a response. But then it came like a shining beacon, the answer being a whole-hearted, 'Hellz to the yes, baby! U kno I've wanted to get my boy Kurt a BF for a while now. And since that silly white boy Blaine isn't makin' a move, I think a blind d8 would b a great idea. Whn and whr? – Cedes.'

'Breadstix of course. Whr else? This Fri at 5:30. But let's not tell them who the other guy is. Let's keep it ttly blind. Shood b interesting. And don't wimp out on me, gurl. I swear my friend can b cool whn he wants 2 b. He's great wit d8s, so this shood work. – Az.'

'I trust u, babe,' Mercedes texts back. 'It'll be fun. Kiss kiss. – Cedes.'

Grinning to himself, Azimio thought he had everything all planned out.

Little did he know what sort of disaster it could wind up being.

.o0o.

Azimio and Dave arrive first, since Az made the reservations. He watches as Dave fidgets in his seat, hands clasping and unclasping, and he keeps looking around. There's a line of sweat on his brow.

"Dammit, dude, just chill, would you? I know you're still jumpy about his getting' you 'outed,' but things are gonna be smooth, I promise. Mercedes knows what she's doing, and I think so do I. I told her who to bring, actually. I think you'll like him, since I'm pretty sure you already do," Azimio smirks.

This catches Dave's attention, and he suddenly stands from the booth. "What? I swear to god, Az, if you mean Hummel, I'm going to –"

But his mouth is running dry and he has to resort to licking his lips and falling back down into hi seat, because he can see Mercedes – and, yes, sure enough, Kurt Hummel – making their way to the table.

Dave raises a menu to his face and hides behind it, blushing as red as a tomato, and Azimio simply shrugs. He greets his girlfriend as she sits across from him, Kurt sliding in beside her. "Hey, hon. This your friend?" Mercedes asks, gesturing to the menu. "Mind showing us your face?"

Dave swallows hard, and slowly lowers the laminated paper.

Kurt reacts immediately, first tensing up, and then bolting out of his spot. He hisses enough to make the scene less known to the public, "What the – Karofsky? When Mercedes said, 'a handsome guy who wants out of the closet,' the furthest person on my mind was you! I was thinking maybe Sam, or someone else on the football team, since they seem to be the only people Adams knows. But… you? Since when does anyone but me know your secret, huh, Karofsky? And since when are you looking for a boyfriend?"

"Look, Hummel, it's not like this was my idea! And it's none of your business if I want to decide to come out or date someone, all right? It's been hard for me, and I'm just getting sick and fuckin' tired of hiding and lying all the time. And I accidentally came out to Az, and it's his fuckin' brilliant idea to set me up with someone. But when he first said, 'a real hot gay guy I think is just your type,' I didn't think he meant you! I almost left because he hinted at the last second –" But through his growling rant, Dave cuts himself off, not wanting to own up to his previous (and current?) crush on the boy across from him.

They're actually standing a little too close together on the side of the table, their hands nearly touching where they rest on the table's surface to keep them balanced as they lean in competitively to one another.

Kurt realizes first, and reels back, choosing to sit down again in his seat. "You know what? I don't care. I'm just here because Mercedes promised to feed me free food in case it didn't work out. And things are most definitely aren't working out. I hate you. You scare the crap out of me. So I'm just going to sit over here and eat in silence."

"Fine by me, Fancy," Karofsky rumbles as he sinks into his arms across his chest, slumping into the booth. He tries to keep his eyes off of Kurt's body; the guy knows how to dress for a date, even if all Karofsky himself did was wear his best polo. He snorts unconvincingly and glares at his best friend. "Great idea, asshole."

"Hey, I was only trying to help you out, man! Besides, isn't this the first you've seen of Hummel since he transferred? I thought you wouldda be happy to see your object of misguided 'ffection," Azimio smirks knowingly, and diagonal from him, Kurt makes a twisted-up facial expression.

Dave doesn't admit that he saw Kurt in the stands at the championship game, all wrapped up in a cute scarf and dancing in place along with the 'Thriller' dancers, that prep school boy, Blaine, by his side.

Laying her hand on Kurt's to calm him, Mercedes announces, "Are we ready to order? I can call the waitress over." She actually wants this to work. If only to have Kurt see that he doesn't need to fear Karofsky; he needs to see that Karofsky is just a grumpy frump of a teenager who doesn't know how to handle what he wants. She wants them to make-up for the bullying, although she agrees that Kurt should never forgive Dave, and that she personally doesn't approve that it's Dave who Azimio meant. But still, she has to work with what she was given.

"Sure, that sounds great, babe," Azimio replies in a softer tone than he had just been using.

Mercedes does so, and the four of them awkwardly order food. Oddly enough, Kurt and Dave seem to like to eat the same kinds of meals, and they both have a thing for Coca-Cola, even though Dave seems to prefer the regular formula, as opposed to Kurt's preference for the diet variety.

"See? And you two thought you weren't alike at all; aside from being, y'know, homosexual," Azimio grins, and he sends a wink and an open-armed gesture Mercedes' way, as if to express in so many words, "See, baby? I got this handled. I know what I'm doing when it comes to these two. They're like us: they battle for dominance and seem not to get along but there's chemistry there, and they can probably get together real nicely if we give them a chance to get to know each other the way we know them."

Somehow, the food winds up being the glue for what could potentially be the most awkward double date in history. The meal is like an anchor in a sea of discomfort.

"Kurt's how's Dalton been?" Mercedes says after a little while of the sole sound between the rectangle of teens being clanking forks on plates.

The prep school boy dabs his mouth with a napkin before he speaks. Dave peers up from below his eyebrows where he's slumped over his food, pretending not to be half as interested as he is to hear about that very same subject.

Kurt begins, "Pretty well. I mean, I don't get to sing by myself as much as I used to – Blaine is the only soloist, as it turns out – and I hate not being able to express myself through clothing all of the time, but the classes and teachers are amazing, and the kids are friendly," he emphasizes, shooting a small glare Karofsky's way, making the jock drop his gaze and shove a piece of food into his mouth roughly. "So, overall, it's not somewhere I'm in a rush to leave, even if it's a little expensive and the only people I truly know are the Warblers. But what's new? I only really knew New Directions at McKinley when it came to friends."

"True," Mercedes admits with a shrug. "But… things have been better. Especially since I started dating Azzy; it helped bring the football team and Glee Club back together, kind of like what 'Thriller' did."

"Yeah, man. You should see it: McKinley's actually pretty cool. I don't mind going to school half as much as I used to. And it makes my old man proud, since I've been doin' good in class lately," Azimio offers, trying to sound positive about things, unlike his usual pessimistic attitude toward all things school-related that isn't football. He claps his friend beside him on the back. "Right, D?"

"Uh… right," Dave mumbles, and forces himself to sit up straight. He glances at Kurt, and suddenly doesn't feel like eating after having his stomach twist at the sight of Kurt staring right back at him.

"I need to use the restroom," Kurt says suddenly, and stands form the booth. He dashes away, and leaves the three staring after him with confused expressions.

Mercedes is the first to sigh and shake her head. She glances up at her boyfriend with her, this-isn't-going-well-is-it? look.

'Shit. There isn't much common ground b/w these 2,' Azimio texts in response to his girlfriend's expression. He doesn't want Dave to hear him, so he sends the private message instead.

Mercedes feels her phone vibrate. She whips it out, checks the message, and flips the keyboard out to text back.

'We need to fix this, Az. I dunno if u've noticed, but Karofsky seems 2 really like Kurt. Think we can get him 2 act on it w/o being too forward or creepy? It might make this easier, and maybe they have chemistry and they just don't kno it. – Cedes.'

Glancing up from reading this message, Azimio nods, a smirk growing on his wide lips. Mercedes winks, and soon, they're both turning to Dave while Kurt remains missing from the table.

"Hey, Dave," Mercedes tries first, acting overly nice.

"Um… yeah? What d'ya want, Jones?" the other replies gruffly, raising a brow in suspicion at her unusual behavior toward him. This can't be good. Her and Az are plotting something, he just knows it; they conveniently got texts at the same time and looked at each other? That smells like a secret. And Karofsky doesn't like secrets.

"You like Kurt, right?"

"Look, just because I picked on him doesn't mean –"

"Don't even try t' play us, bro," Azimio sounds out with a roll of his eyes. He bobs his head and turns it toward his best friend. "We know it's true. So just 'fess up."

Dave grinds his teeth, but nods once. That's as close to a 'yeah, I do' as they're going to get. Mercedes takes it and works with it. "Well, in that case, boy, make a move. This is a date."

"Uh," Dave mumbles, unsure, "Couldn't… couldn't we switch spots, then, Jones? You can say that you wanted to be closer to your boyfriend, and that'll give me a better shot at making this awful date tolerable."

Azimio grins, and Mercedes looks surprised. "Praise the Lord, this boy has a brain! And I like what it's cookin' up," she muses, chuckling. With a nod, she stands and grabs her purse. "Deal, Karofsky. Let's switch. Just don't try any funny business with my boy that'll get you in trouble. No pain, and nothing like stroking his inner thigh or something."

Dave makes a contorted facial expression as he and Mercedes move their plates and change seats. Settling back down in Mercedes' old spot, he mumbles, "Like I would try that. God."

Kurt returns in this moment, not quite catching Karofsky's words but definitely immediately catching the change.

"What the -?"

"Oh, sorry, Kurtie-baby, but I wanted to cuddle next to Az. Hope you don't mind?" Mercedes says as innocently as possible, laying her head on her boyfriend's shoulder while peering almost sideways at Kurt.

The fashionista sputters something in protest, but soon (and reluctantly) takes a seat in his place. He barely looks Karofsky's way, and with the slightly insecure-but-trying-to-act-snobbish pose, Mercedes can tell that Kurt is trying not to bitch and complain and definitely making sure not to touch the taller boy beside him.

Mercedes clears her throat and tries to change the subject. "Um, so. We're almost done eating. Is there room for dessert? We can buy two and split them."

"Cheesecake," Kurt says immediately, pushing his unfinished meal away. "I'd rather spend my calories on cheesecake than this. I'm almost full, so that's another reason."

"Yeah, okay. I'll share it with you. I like cheesecake," Dave pipes up, trying to make things work. He actually prefers less rich desserts like a carton of Breyer's ice cream, but cheesecake is pretty good. Dave's mom makes some decent cheesecake anyway.

Kurt sends the other boy a look, the sort that says, you're-only-saying-that-to-help-get-on-my-good-side-aren't-you?

Dave clears his throat, trying his best to think of a topic they can all agree on.

Wait. There are two (or three, if you count Dave) singers present. Music.

"So… I heard that the Warblers did a kickass version of 'Animal?' I like Neon Trees, so I thought this sounded cool. Did you sing in it at all, Fanc– Kurt? According to what Az's been saying, you complain to Jones about how that guy Blaine always sings."

Kurt sends a different look this time, one that says, hold-up-a-sec,-you-actually-care,-and-you-sometimes-ask-about-me-or-something?

Slowly, Kurt replies, "Uh, yeah… Yes, I sang in our cover of it. I was ecstatic when they asked me to be the one to sing with Blaine, and Blaine turned out to be the one to insist it in the first place."

Dave's hand twitches unnoticeably beneath the table with jealousy, but he lets it slide. Blaine could have only insisted because Kurt's his friend. That's what Dave hopes for, anyway; he is, admittedly, liking the feeling of being on a date with Hummel more than he would ever dare say aloud. And because of that, he wants more. And he can't have that unless Blaine isn't an option.

"That's cool, man. I'm glad that they're finally recognizing in that club of yours what an awesome singer you are," Dave compliments, trying once again to make himself seem better in Kurt's eyes.

Kurt is full of look-sending tonight. He gives another, more comfortable expression this time, and smiles. "Thank you. I didn't know you've heard me sing."

"Dude, you've put on performances in front of the whole school before. Of course my man Karofsky knows what you sing like! –Plus, I've caught him lingering by the choir room before, listening to you geeks," Azimio snickers, and Dave reaches across the table to smack him, a mortified blush across the jock's cheeks.

"He has?" Kurt murmurs, raising an eyebrow out of curiosity. He turns in his seat to eye Karofsky. "You have?"

"Uh," Dave begins shyly. "Yeah…? I mean, it's not because I –" with a sigh, he drops his tough-guy act. "I've always wanted to join, but knew it'd be the lamest thing ever, so I pretended that I hated it. But you all have really amazing voices. Like, Jones? I think you're the best female singer. Don't tell Berry I said that, though, or she'd have my head on a platter." He grins a little. "But yeah, I dunno, I was jealous. I could never do that."

"Sure you could, D," Azimio interjects, frowning slightly. "I mean, I know I always make fun of the Glee Club – it is pretty dorky for dudes to sit there and sing their hearts out when they aren't even getting paid for it – but I think you could totally whoop their asses with your voice, man. I've heard you sing before, like it or not. And Dave, man, you can sing."

Karofsky looks mortified and humbled at the same time. He clears his throat, now thinking that music was a bad topic to get on. He only meant for it to be about bands and stuff, he didn't mean for it to evolve into this. He was hoping he could get Azimio and Mercedes started on jazz and R&B – Az's favorites besides the usual rap and rock – and he could maybe show off his minimal knowledge on the things Kurt must like: musicals, hip-hop, and pop.

Luckily, the waitress comes around in that instant, and Dave flags her down. "Excuse me, Ma'am? Yeah. Can we order our desserts?"

"Oh! Of course. And I'll take your plates, too, unless you want doggie bags," she replies, taking out her little notepad.

"I want one for me," Mercedes pipes up. No one else wants one, so it all works out when, not ten minutes later, the waitress returns with a strawberry and fudge sundae and a very traditional raspberry cheesecake.

"Enjoy," she says, handing Mercedes the foam box for her food before strutting off to another table.

Kurt takes the first bite, daintily swiping the tip off the triangular slice and slipping it into his mouth. Dave watches, momentarily fascinated, and then looks away before his staring is noticed. He shoves a rather large bite into his mouth and squashes the rich treat onto his tongue, tasting it fully, before chewing and swallowing. It's pretty good; it's not like this one really shitty, dry and crumbly cheesecake he had at a restaurant once, something that tasted like it had been left out too long. This one actually tastes like they care who eats it.

Meanwhile, Azimio is scooping a bite of ice cream, fruit, and chocolate onto a spoon and feeding it to his girlfriend, who laughs at his cheesiness before taking it into her mouth.

Dave blanches. Sometimes straight couples, no matter what the age, are too disgustingly sweet for his liking. (Although he can't deny that he would find it less disgustingly sweet if he were somehow able to do that with – No, no. He cuts off his thought right there.)

"You know, I was hesitant at first," Kurt relays as he takes another nibble of his dessert, and the couple across from him glances up, looking his way. Dave does the same. "About all of this. But… it's actually kind of nice. It's like a taste of how things could be later on, minus the awkwardness."

"That's what I was thinking," Mercedes agrees with a small smile. "I wouldn't mind doing a double-date again."

"With us?" Dave asks, voice cracking lightly.

"Well, I don't know," Mercedes mutters, noticing the look on Karofsky's face as she takes another bite herself, without her boyfriend's help. "Only if Kurt wanted to."

"I think, before another double-date, I'd have to go on one alone with Karofsky to get to know him better. So far we've barely said a word to each other, and what sort of relationship is that?" Kurt counters smoothly, but it makes Dave nearly choke on his drink when he had moved to take a sip of it.

"Whuh? R-really? I mean, you'd… you wouldn't mind –" and he breaks the sentence off halfway like a Kit-Kat bar might snap cleanly in two.

Kurt offers a tight-lipped smile. "Perhaps. If you'd treat me right. I can't ignore the fact that our two best friends are together and they want you and me to at least tolerate each other. Which thus far I've done, I think, but it would be nice if we could get along instead."

"A-and you'd accomplish that… by dating me," Karofsky clarifies, mystified. He blinks a few times, unable to help himself when it comes to following Kurt with his eyes. He watches as the boy beside him flickers is gaze over, eyelash length visible for a moment at a profile glance, and then a small smile takes over his palely pink and plump lips.

"That's what I implied, yes. Come on, Karofsky, I know you're capable of some higher thought. You'd have to be, or else I wouldn't bother with you."

Mercedes and Azimio witness this exchange back and forth like one might view a tennis match. Idly, Az wonders if Hummel's already got his boy whipped. Mercedes idly wonders why this is distinctly hotter and more captivating to watch than Blaine and Kurt act like giggling girls over things like issues of Vogue.

"Uh… right. Sorry. I just – I mean, you're serious? You're not punking me, are you, Hummel?" Dave retorts with a frown.

"Now why would I do that? I don't have a death wish, Karofsky," Kurt smirks. "Besides, I think you have potential to prove me wrong about you."

"'Death wish,'" Dave parrots quietly. He grunts. "I didn't mean that, you know. What I said when I threatened you. I know that's why you left school. But I would never hurt you like that. I'm a jerk, but I'm not heartless."

Mercedes and Azimio get the feeling that they weren't even in existence to the other two teens at the moment. They simply finish off their dessert amongst themselves, all the while listening in on what feels like a crucial conversation.

"I know you're not, Karofsky. But do you really think that death threat was the end of it? Don't you think kissing me as forcefully as you did had something to do with it? Or how about stealing from me?" Kurt says tensely, trying not to seethe or seem too terribly angry, but instead sore and weary and questioning, because he feels these things as well.

Mercedes and Azimio both perk their ears at that. "Whoa, hold up a sec, both of you. Karofsky kissed you? When did this happen? I mean, I know you said that cake topper went missing and it was Karofsky's fault, but… a kiss?"

"Bro! What the fuck, man? Why didn't you tell me you kissed Hummel?" Azimio jumps right in like Mercedes just had.

Kurt and Dave both go silent, avoiding the prying gazes.

The soprano speaks first, and the jock mumbles something to himself at nearly the same time. "It happened a while ago, it's nothing to worry about. It's just how I knew that Karofsky was gay and… troubled."

"I'm just a fucking coward," is all Mercedes, at least, can catch of Dave's mumble.

Azimio shrugs and lets it go, but Mercedes seems to give Kurt a glance that says, you're-telling-me-all-the-deets-later,-whiteboy.

"Check, please?" Kurt calls the waiter. "I'll pay for you, Karofsky. Consider this the first of a few awkward dates for the pair of us. I intend on settling the qualms we have built up like bricks between us."

"And I got this bill, Az. I can't have you paying for me all the time; it's demeaning. I can pay for myself when I want to, and it's not always the gentleman's job to pay. A lady can, too."

"Oh, so is that why Hummel's paying for my boy Dave?" Az snickers playfully.

Dave only sinks lower into the booth.

And thus concludes a rather complex double date.