"Possession" music and lyrics by Sarah McLachlan
Story by: Icicle Raindream
WARNING: This particular work of fiction is shounen ai. If you don't care for male/male relationships, then this might not be for you. However, if you are open-minded, maybe this kind of thing will appeal to you after you give it a try. Check it out!
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and all the characters therein are not mine, and there is no money being made off this story. It's for fun only.
Notes: This is for all you Heero-Duo lovers out there…and who better to write to than Sarah McLachlan? Don't her lyrics rock? Drop me a line, tell me what you think! Enjoy!
(Sidenote: if you're looking for a song to write a fic to, check out some of Sarah's songs…practically every one could be a songfic, I'm telling you!)
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listen as the wind blows, from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time.
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here, and not be satisfied
I opened the window on my fifth floor dorm room, the one I shared with my roommate. The wind gusted in, blowing coolly on my hot face. I hadn't realized how warm it actually was in my room until then. And for the life of me I couldn't remember my roomie's name, but it didn't matter. He was never here; barely showed up any more, and it didn't make any difference to me because there was only one name prominent on my mind.
It was the dark of night outside, the only illumination coming from the slowly but surely dying streetlights around the campus. I remembered walking around under those lights many times, trying to sort things out for myself, alone. The night had become a bosom buddy to me, welcoming me whenever I felt the need to get out of my captivity. I was always alone; no one ever accompanied me. Not that I blame them.
No, it was just me and my thoughts—my quiet, dark thoughts—roaming through the campus at night, after everyone else had fallen into that state most called sleep.
I felt the sidewalk gravel crunch under my feet now, and only then did I realize that I'd escaped from my bedroom to talk with the midnight breeze. I had this unsettling feeling in my stomach, the feeling as if I was living in a circle, my life going around and around yet never getting anywhere. I was stuck here forever, and the block of ice that sat in my stomach tore at my brain.
and I would be the one to hold you down
kiss you so hard; I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes, dear
I walked now, my hands in their normal position in my uniform's pockets, the wind blowing through my hair that hung somewhat into my face. The campus was quiet and the sky shone brightly with stars, full of wishes and promises. But none of them were for me.
and through this world I stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find that honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh, you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhyme
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
Instead, the only things that were for me were the memories of the war. They weren't painful to me, at least the ones that had to do with the actual war itself, and I sometimes found myself enjoying the thoughts. The battles on replay in my mind even sometimes produced a smile from me, although no one was there to see it. Such a rare display of emotion from me.
Tonight was different. The memories tore at me, screaming for me to remember every single detail of every single battle. It was an impossible mission, but being the perfect soldier that I'd been trained as, I tried my best to recall everything I could.
Missions gone wrong, pacifists killed, power-mad people driven into ruling positions…I knew I was trying to find something to fight for. So many circumstances changing within just one war; it was hard to keep track of everything, hard for all of us. Yet somehow someone always managed to keep an eye on me no matter the situation.
I was disoriented when he picked me up into his arms; he seemed to be talking gibberish. I couldn't understand the words and probably wouldn't have appreciated them then; the beautiful voice that said them. I was so...passive on everything that came into my life. I didn't realize anything then.
But now I know—he is the one who kept me alive. Saved me so many times, without even thinking truly about what he was doing. I know now that I needed him, his passion for everything, his will to throw everything he had into life, no matter what kind of life it was turning out to be.
It is still he that keeps me alive. The letters I receive once a week are the only highlights of my private school career, the only things that can temporarily melt the block of ice in my stomach. I have each and every single one stored, in a small black box, in my desk drawer that rests beneath my laptop.
and I would be the one to hold you down
kiss you so hard; I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
I turned on my heel now, at the thought of those letters waiting for me inside with open arms. I suddenly wanted to read them again, to see every word painstakingly written with care. Hear the sound of his voice in my head, echoing with the words he's printed on the paper.
into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh, into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
and nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
I paid close attention to myself as I walked up the stairs to my dorm floor. So many times I'd caught myself on my knees on the steps, tripping over the thoughts that were spread out in front of me. The thoughts so huge that they couldn't be contained within my head and frequently broke out of their small prison.
My shoes scraped against the thin carpet in the hall; I'm dragging my heels, not wanting to open my dorm door and face its emptiness. I can't blame it for being empty all the time; I think I severely depressed my roommate long ago and he just couldn't stand me anymore. My roommate wasn't as strong as him—the one who always seemed like he could put up with me, the one who seemed like he even might have loved me in return…
I quietly closed my door behind me and walked to the bed, where I know I will find my pajamas strewn across the mattress from whence I'd dejectedly flung them this morning. I heard the rustling of my own clothes as I stripped and changed; the noise seemed almost too loud for my ears, yet I hardly paid any attention.
It is then that I realized I didn't deserve to read his letters—not tonight. I was feeling too overwhelmed by something unidentifiable that I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on the meanings.
I climbed into bed and pulled the covers up over my body, waiting for them to heat up naturally. I always did this since there was nothing else for me to do after my night walks; I sat in the bed at night and judged how fast the sheets could warm up to my skin. By the time they had gotten comfortably warm, I was drifting into that comatose state where everything could be achieved and needs were met and wholly satisfied. It was my only truly happy time, nothing stood in my way and nothing could be taken away from me here.
and I would be the one
He came towards me with his arms spread open, the grin lighting up his face like a batch of fireworks. I knew that I could tell him now and he would listen and understand, truly comprehend what I was telling him. And it wouldn't bother him at all.
to hold you down
I found myself lying with him, in my bed, our weight sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress, fumbling with trivial things like clothes and his hair. He tried as smoothly as possible to let it down and flow loosely, and as usual, I untied the band for him. The poor guy could never do it himself.
kiss you so hard; I'll take your breath away
Kissed him all over, as if I couldn't stop myself. There was some primal need, some urge inside me, to love him, to make him feel like I loved him. I had to let him know that I loved him and this was my chance. I couldn't throw it all away.
I didn't. The only absence of anything we had before us was breath; neither of us could breathe properly, gasping for much needed air. It was a positive sign that we were accepting each other as we were.
and after I'd wipe away the tears
I ran my small hand down his face, my fingers sweeping along his jawbone, tracing the curve of his chin. I felt the heat radiating from his body as he grinned at me again, satisfied.
We were both wholly satisfied, in the sea of waking dreams.
just close your eyes, dear
I woke up with a start.
I had never had any kind of vision like that before and it roughed me up, taking hold of my nerves of steel and twisting them in some formless shape of nothingness. I found my chest heaving and heart pounding, my arms barely able to sustain my weight as I propped myself upright in the bed.
I knew it. I knew I should have told him. The only thing I didn't know is why I never told him anything. I never had enough courage to write back to him and tell him how I felt. He doesn't know that at night all I ever find myself doing is wandering around the campus thinking about the memories. Most being of him and how he took care of me during the charades of battle.
The block of ice sat heavily inside my stomach now, I could feel it with all its weight burdening my soul. The block became harder as I came to realize that never…never would I be able to tell him how I felt about him. It just wasn't the way things were done in this world. I go to a private male school, and he goes to a public school located somewhere I can't even fathom, no doubt full of people who realized his potential with a passing glance.
The only solace I would have was the night, walking out in the dark under those eerie orange streetlights, the memories re-surfacing every time. My satisfaction would have to be the sea of sleep, the sea where everything happened to anyone who wanted something of their own badly enough.
I closed my eyes and lay back against the pillow, trying to calm my nerves and learn to breathe again. My mind phased into the gray darkness as the sandman came to claim my brain for a few more hours.
I am guilty of everything—lust, war, death, fighting, love. But most of all I am guilty of cheating. I cheated myself when I had all those chances to tell him how I felt about him. Being the perfect stranger that I was, I didn't bother to give him half a chance to prove himself to me, and he turned out to be the best influence in my screwed up life. I guess that meant that I didn't deserve him, and I never would.
just close your eyes…
And this was all I had.