Me:Okay. I know what your thinking "Halo" and "Red vs Blue"? Broaden your scopes people. But anyway I will have Church do the disclaimer.
Church: You suck, you know that?
Me:Hey it's either this or I….
Church:Or what….
Me:(whispers to Church)
Church:Oh, that's just wrong. But with that hanging over my head, I don't have much of a choice. Alex (the insane author) doesn't own Microsoft, Bungie, Halo, Red vs Blue, or Rooster Teeth. There, are you happy now?
Me:Yes. You may go. Just watch out for…
Church: No need to say anything out loud! (whispering quietly) Asshole.
Me:What was that? If it was offensive, please ask Itachi what I do to people who offend me.
Itachi:Oh dear god! Both of my knee caps are gone!
Sasuke:What are we doing here? What is this place?
Church:………..
Me:………..
Church:The knee caps?
Me:The knee caps.
Church:Well (cough) I'll be off (runs away)
Me:I never get tired of this. Now play nice you two and go back you own place in my mind. (cocking shotgun like Sarge) Now to bag me a dirty Blue. Heh heh heh.
Red vs. Blue: Boredom
"Hey, Tucker!" yelled Caboose "come and look at what I can do!" Walking around from the side of the base, Tucker stared in horror at his blue comrade. " Caboose, what the fuck are you doing?!" "What's with all the yelling?" Sister popped up behind Tucker "Whoa, is that safe?" she asked.
"No. Most definitely not" replied Tucker.
"What's going on guys?" asked Doc as he arrived, only to stop and watch Caboose. "Why is ev-er-y-one looking at me? Is it my birthday?!" Caboose wondered out loud.
"Hey, Church. You might want wanna come out here" yelled Tucker. Swinging out of his bunk, Church donned his armor and grumbled as he dragged himself outside. "Okay. What'sso important that I had to get out…of…bed…" He stood still as a rock and watched Caboose juggle plasma grenades. "Caboose.What.Are.You.Doing?"
"I'm juggling. What does It look like I'm doing?" the idiot replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Meanwhile, Tucker turned to Doc and Sister "How much you wanna bet he kills Church again?" he asked. "I don't like to bet. It's way too competitive. However, I think that you may have a point" Doc responded. "Oh oh. I'll take that bet. I'll put 100 on the idiot killing the asshole" answered Sister.
'Hahaha asshole. I like that one' Tucker thought.
Church looked back at the others. "Okay" he began "I want all three of you to back-away slowly. Got it?" They nodded. Peering at Caboose from the corner of his eye, he knew that now was the time to go. Suddenly, the sound of boots caught his attention. 'They're running. Idiots.' "Now Caboose, just stand still. Okay?" Caboose stopped mid-toss and all three dropped to the ground.
Activating them.
"Caboose. Run!" Church yelled. Taking off as fast as possible, he was shocked to see Caboose pass him shouting "Running, Running, Running!" Had the situation not been so serious, Church would have laughed. A moment later, the plasma grenades went off. The explosion knocked Church forward and unconscious.
Across the canyon, Red army was passing the day as usual since all the crazy things stopped.
By beating on Grif.
"No, no, no. Don't duck you idiot. That just makes you harder to hit! Go from side to side!" Sarge yelled. "Yeah Grif! Make this fun!" Simmons added. "Thank you Simmons."
"Go to hell! The only reason I don't come down is because you've Donut keeping me up here! And the only reason he's keeping me up here is because you two taught him how to use the sniper rifle!" Grif yelled back at them.
"Hey, it's now our fault that he learned to shoot so well" responded Sarge "Isn't that right Donut?" The pink clad rookie gave a big "Yes sir!"
An explosion echoed across the canyon. "What in sweet goodness was that?" roared Sarge. "I don't know sir but it sounded like it came from the Blue base" Simmons began "but what caused it, I have no idea." Grif sighed, "Thanks for stating the obvious, kiss-ass."
"Yes, thank you Simmons. If you hadn't said that, Grif might never have known that there was an explosion near the Blue base. Good work."
"Thank you sir. Just doing my job." Replied Simmons. "Oh come on! I heard it myself Sarge! Hell, even Donut heard it! Didn't you Donut?" asked Grif.
"No. I heard what Simmons said. Nice job Simmons" responded Donut. "I can't believe this!" cried Grif "Am I the only one who can think for myself?"
"Shut it Grif. You're ruining Simmons' moment." Sarge said.
"I'll bet the blues don't have to deal with shit like this" Grif said to himself.
Blue Base
"Whoa!" Church cried as he sprung up out of the bed. "Whoa, calm down Church. You're ok. You just hit the ground and bumped your head." Turning his head, Church looked at Doc. "Is Caboose alright, Doc?"
"Yeah" Doc started "Caboose is fine. Although, I think the explosion knocked him around a bit too." Church was puzzled by this. "Why do you say that?" he asked. Doc turned to him "Well, when we got back to the base, he started giving us orders. I mean, come on. Caboose giving orders? What's up with that? Then, when Tucker didn't do anything, Caboose walked up to him, called him a cockbite, and hit him over the head."
'That sounds an awful lot like someone else…' Church thought to himself. Swinging his feet over the bed, he stood up and before he could move, fell back down onto the bed. "Hey, slow down Church. Don't rush things. Okay?"
"No. Not okay. There are some things I need to ask Caboose. Now." Church glared at Doc, almost daring him to keep him here. "I can still pull rank on you Church. But, if you'd like, I can go get Caboose?"
"Fine. I guess that'll do. Just hurry up." Church said, turning away.
"Caboose. Come here for a sec." Doc called. "Okay" responded the idiot. "What can I do you for mister doctor person?"
Shaking his head, Doc replied "Church wants to talk to you. Just, try not to kill him. Again." Caboose just nodded his head as fast as possible "I think I can do that!" Had he been smarter, he would have realized the look Doc gave him as 'you think?'
"Hey Church. What did you want to talk to me about again?" he asked. Sighing, Church looked at him and just sighed again. "Caboose" he began "did you feel different today? You know, like you were possessed by a spirit or something like that?" The look plastered on the mindless ones face reminded Church of a time when he ate too many tacos and was constipated.
"You know, now that you mention it" Church felt his hopes rise "I didn't feel anything like that. No. Definitely not." And his hopes came crashing down again. 'So much for that. I should have known better' he thought. "The only thing I felt was someone hitting me in the back of the head. Don't worry though, it happens all the time. I think someone likes me."
While most of Cabooses last statement was a little disturbing to say the least, it provided Church with a little sliver of hope.
Outside Blue Base
"Ow! What the fuck! Caboose, where are you! This isn't funny." The sound of gun hitting a helmet filled the canyon again. "Seriously, this isn't funny!" another wack "Son of a Bitch!" Hearing his name, Caboose came running out of the base. "You called Tucker!"
WACK!
"Owie. What did I do!" Caboose asked his teal teammate. "That" Tucker said "Was for hitting ME in the head." Tilting his head Caboose looked at Tucker "That could not have been me. I was in the base talking to Church. It was important." He added the last part quietly.
"Fine, I'll go and ask Church if that's true" Tucker said as he walked away. "Church. Hey, Church!" Looking down from the ceiling, Church glared at him. "I was in the middle of counting tiles Tucker. What is so important that you needed to interrupt my counting?"
"I was outside when Caboose came up and started to him me in the head!" Church looked at him "Did you catch him doing it?" he asked. Tucker shook his head "No. He always seemed to disappear. Then, when I did see him, he told me he was down here talking to you while it happened. What does he think I am, stupid?"
Church couldn't even dignify that with a response. "Well Tucker" he began "Caboose was down here talking to me. Doc was doing something medic-like down here and Sister was….hey, where is Sister anyway?" Tucker looked at him with what Church could guess to be a grin "Oh, I sent her on a mission while you where out of commission."
"You did what?" Church deadpanned. Tucker giving orders? That's like Caboose giving orders or Doc pulling rank. 'Stupid fucking medic' he thought once more 'promoting him just shut him up. Goddamn
idiots…' his rants where cut-off as Tucker continued "Yeah, all I did was say 'Go track the Reds movements' and she took off like a, like a, like an I don't know what. But she should be back soon. It's already been a few hours. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?"
"……………" Church just stared at him. "Yeah. Your right, I should go check on her."
'Idiots' Church thought to himself 'why do I still put up with this? Why don't I just kill them all and save the Reds some trouble?' he continued to brood. He didn't even notice the shadowy figure enter the room until it was upon him.
Church turned his head and found himself staring at the figure. "Hello Tex." He said to it. It didn't respond. "Go figure" he whispered "Well, thanks for saving me. Again." Still it didn't move. "I mean, I may be an ungrateful asshole and a bastard, but I really do miss you. You are the only one who could keep these idiots in line." The dark form waivered just a bit. "No. That's not it, Tex. I miss you because even though you were a bitch of the worst kind, I still love you."
"I miss you Tex. And I hope that someday I'll see you again." His voice trailed off at the end, until he fell asleep. "Finally. Those painkillers took effect. And I'll just keep that little confession hidden away somewhere to use later" Doc said to himself. "I guess O'mally left mark on me. Oh well."
Doc walked away and still the dark figure stood still. Finally, after the echo of Doc's footsteps receded, the figure stepped forward and laid a hand on Church's chest.
"Thank you Church. For everything. And yes we will meet again. Sooner that than you think" the figure whispered. It finally dissolved into nothing, leaving the De Facto leader of the Blue team to sleep.
A/N: Okay. If you think a few or a lot of characters are OOC, that is because they are. I mean, come on. They would stay exactly the same with everything that's happened. But now I'm deciding on whether or not to make this a one-shot or a series. So until I decide it will be registered as a one-shot.
Until next time.