AN: So thank Coffee-Flavored Fate for making a comic on DeviantArt because without his comic, this fan fiction would not be possible.
Hopefully, I can get over my writer's block and work on one of my sensible Romerica stories already. Hopefully, my sister will write that crackfic Romerica Romeo and Juliet story too. Hopefully we can find someone to fix the cracks in the fourth wall down below.
Disclaimer- I don't own Hetalia or the idea, I just mashed the two together until I got this crazy, sexy, cool orgy of a crackfic.
Warning: Some language down below may not be suitable for all ages. Viewer discretion is advised.
Pairings: South Italy/America, Belarus/Canada, France/England, Germany/Italy, Denmark/Hungary, Taiwan/Hong Kong, Switzerland/Austria, China/South Korea, Russia/Japan, Prussia/Spain
In the beginning there was a great solar system. This system was filled with stars and comets, planets and moons. Nine planets belonged to this solar system, each with their own distinct traits and appearances.
One planet was known to be inhabited by life forms, organic in nature and lived on the planet in chaotic peace, separated by different cultures located on different land masses. The life forms lived that way for millennia, fighting each other every now and then to gain supremacy over the rest.
Now, none of that above was actually relevant to the story, it just sounds like a good way to open a story.
Ahem.
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom.
It was a beautiful kingdom that expanded over vast amounts of land and reached as far as the eye could see. The subjects of the kingdom were happy people, very hardworking and able-bodied. Most of them rose at the crack of dawn to open up the family business for the day, run some errands, or just start chores around the homestead.
The kingdom was a peaceful kingdom, ruled by the emperor named Emperor Shinatty-chan. This emperor was a strange individual, who had an odd obsession with a fantasy female feline character named Hello Kitty that one of the countries in his expansive kingdom had created.
(Unfortunately, due to copyright restrictions, he could not openly express his love publicly for this make-believe character so he had to settle with the cheapest knockoff brand he could find; Beat It, Pussy.)
So one day, as Emperor Shinatty-chan was cleaning his Hello Kit-I mean, Beat It, Pussy costume in his throne room, one of his faithful servants came barreling in through the large and sturdy golden double doors, panting heavily.
"Y-your Highness, we h-have a problem."
The emperor looked up from the cleaning of his Hel-Beat It, Pussy costume. "Well, what the fuck is it? You gonna talk or do I got to read your mind?"
The servant fell into a deep bow at the emperor's feet. "I am sorry, Your Highness, let me explain. It is the people, they are not happy anymore."
The emperor shrugs. "Shit, I wouldn't think so in this economy."
"Sir, we are in a fairy tale, the subjects of a kingdom and townsfolk are always happy in a fairy tale." The servant gave the emperor a blank look.
The servant rose from the deep bow and walked up to the ruler's throne. "Sir, the subjects aren't happy because their needs haven't been met. There are things that they need that we can't provide for them anymore."
"The fuck you want me to do about it?" The emperor finished cleaning his costume and put it on.
"Sir, we need to call a meeting. The nations need to know about this."
"Alright, alright fine. Go summon the nations or some shit. Now can you get the fuck out so I can perform my family's sacred ritual?"
The servant bows to take leave and once he is alone, the emperor pulls out a bottle of lotion, a box of tissues and a Cats' Weekly magazine.
A few days later, the emperor found himself sitting in his golden meeting room, which his mother hates because she still holding a grudge against him because he didn't take her decorating advice.
Sorry mother, but those sheers were crappin' fugly and they clashed with the room. No, purple sheers do not make the room, if you like them so damn much put them in your own damn house. You only wanted to put them in here because they were the colors of your favorite basketball team, the Los Angeles Lakers.
Fuck the Lakers mom, that's why they got swept in round 2 of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks mom. Yeah, you heard right, the Dallas Mavericks; current champions of the world. Underdogs, bitch.
Ahem.
As it was mentioned earlier, the emperor found himself sitting in his golden meeting room, decorated in the most gaudiest of gold paint, spray paint and glitter to look overly glorified and expensive. He sat at the head of his elongated meeting table made out of pure gold and polished by the tears of the peasant children who worked countless hours to make this unnecessarily long table, surrounded by a large group of bickering people. These people, the emperor observed, were representatives of each country in his expansive kingdom.
Well, they weren't representatives, more like personifications of the countries in the emperor's expansive kingdom. These personifications are actually a collection of every stereotype that has ever existed for every country. Ever. The emperor doesn't know how they exist or why, but he wished that for once when he called a meeting, they would all file in quietly, sit down and just shut the fuck up.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!"
"Germany!"
Oh look, dreams do come true.
One of the personifications, a man with flawless blonde hair smartly slicked back with cold, ice tinted eyes screamed at the rest of the nations-things gathered. When they all promptly obeyed his command, he flapped his wings stiffly and sat back down.
Did I mention that the personifications were also fairies?
That blonde haired fairy, known as Germany-Fairy of Wurst, thanks to the little name plaque in front of him, shuffled some papers in front of him and turned to the emperor.
The ruler nodded and rose from his seat. "Alright bitches-" he paused for dramatic effect, "we got a problem."
The gathered nation fairies all gasped and whined, except for one who snored peacefully in a corner.
"What kind of problem?" Another nation spoke. It was another male fairy, with dirty blonde hair and dark green eyes. The name plaque in front of him read `England-Fairy of Tea and Scones'.
"My people tell me that my subjects ain't all happy and shit no more." He paused for dramatic effect again. The nation fairies don't mind it. "It's all ya'll faults."
"The fuck you mean it's our faults? We do everything for those lazy bastards!"
The emperor regarded the enraged fairy with a stern glare, though it was hard to see through his Beat It, Pussy costume. "Don't you think I know that South Italy-Fairy of Tomatoes? Yeah, ya'll do everything and shit but it's not enough anymore."
"…I agree with Shinatty-sama." A quiet nation-fairy with dull brown eyes and black hair spoke. The nation-fairy next to him, Switzerland-Fairy of Guns and Ammunition, growled and slammed a hand down on the solid gold table. A few bullet shell casings fell to the ground but no one paid attention to that.
"Damn it Japan-Fairy of Cosplay, man up or I'll beat you with my Peace Prize!"
"Anyways, like I was saying-" the emperor wrangled in the meeting by staying on point so all hell didn't break loose, "Something ya'll not doing is fucking up my people. We've figured out the reason why."
England waved a hand in front of him and a silver kettle with matching tea cups appeared from thin air. "Oh, do tell Your Highness."
The emperor rose from his chair once more and started to pace around the long meeting table, while his nation-fairies tracked his every movement with their eyes.
"Alright, here's the info: ya'll bitches are starting to get weak; I don't know why but your powers ain't hot shit no more. The people hardly see ya'll anymore, I get complaints all the time about how someone wanted something but didn't get it because their nation's fairy wasn't on their job. But there is a solution."
The nation-fairies watched as the emperor came to a stop at the other end of the table. He removed his Beat It, Pussy costume, threw it to the side and stood...completely naked as the day he was born in front of the personifications.
"Ya'll need to find your Fairy Buddies in order to restore your powers."
A female brunette fairy with green eyes turned to another dark haired brown-eyed female fairy, whispered something in her ear and raised her hand. Their names: Hungary-Fairy of Yaoi and Taiwan-Fairy of Flowers. "What are Fairy Buddies, exactly?"
France's fairy, the Fairy of Wine and Sex, sauntered over to Hungary, took her hand in his and kissed her hand seductively. Seduction, seduce~ .
"Mon chéri, Fairy Buddies are a lovely dynamic. They are what keeps us nation-fairies going strong. They breathe passion into our souls, they are the life force that flows through our veins. Ohonhon~, they are also great for those lonely nights when your hand is not enough, when you both are consumed by the raw desire of l'amour that you decide to have-"
He never really got to finish his statement, the poor man. England had stomped over to France, gripped him by his flamboyantly colored wings, and dragged him back to his seat.
Another fairy took his place however, a dude with chocolate brown hair and sweet green eyes; it was Spain- Fairy of Sunshine! "Basically, they're your mates! They're like your spouse really, but not really." Hungary nodded and wrote something down.
"Ve~, Fairy Buddies? That sounds wonderful! Doesn't it sound wonderful, America?" Northern Italy's Fairy of Pasta hugged the United States' Fairy of Hamburgers by the shoulders. "I want America to be my Fairy Buddy! He's my best friend!"
America hugged North Italy back. "Haha, I want you to be my Fairy Buddy too! We'd be the most awesome buddies ever!"
"I'm the Fairy of Everything, so I don't need a Fairy Buddy, da ze~!" South Korea's fairy explained. He wasn't really the Fairy of Everything (more like the Fairy of Yogurt and Kimchi), but no one really had the heart to break it to the kid; so they just let him think that he knew everything and they ignored him. A win/win situation for both parties.
South Korea slid out of his seat and crept up behind China's Fairy of Age, all ninja like because ninjas were made in Korea, duh. His arms shot out to grope China's breasts and he cackled in glee. "I claim these breasts in the name of South Korea, da ze~!"
"Ai ya! Korea, I'm a man and I don't have breasts! Go sit down, aru!"
Two more nation-fairies sat side by side quietly as the rest of their peers celebrated and chose their Fairy Buddies. The smaller of the two, a female with platinum blonde hair and dark blue eyes, slowly moved her chair over to the other fairy, a male with the same color hair and bright purple eyes.
"Big brother Russia-Fairy of Vodka, we shall become… Fairy Buddies."
Russia shivered at his sister's advance. "N-nyet, little sister Belarus-Fairy of Knives. I do not w-wish to be your F-fairy Buddy."
Belarus turned to her brother and stared at him. Her face was devoid of any emotion, she just sat and stared at him. She stared him directly in the eye, into his soul, whereupon she burned an imprint of her eyes. He tried to look away, he really did but her eyes were burned upon his soul so he couldn't escape her all-knowing gaze.
Hey, when did he get his soul back?
"SILENCE!
A gun shot preceded the yell. The room grew quiet and everyone focused their attention back to the front of the room (opposite of the emperor in all his naked glory) on the fairy who just shut them the fuck up.
Switzerland held a 12-gauge, double-barrel shotgun in the air over his head. A hole in the ceiling was the result of him firing a round and the emperor and his nation-fairies could've sworn they heard someone groaning about how they got shot. Of course someone was groaning, that was Gary in accounting who always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Ahem.
Another male fairy, this one had glasses, purple eyes and dark brown hair, came up next to Switzerland. "Ahem. Like the emperor was saying, if we want to restore our powers to what they should be, we need to find our Fairy Buddies."
"BUT WE'VE ALREADY FOUND THEM!" All the nation-fairies screamed in unison. They all hurried and clung to their chosen mates, which angered Switzerland. He fired off another round and the nation fairies separated.
"Damn it, it doesn't work that way! You can't just choose your Fairy Buddy, you have to find them. Your Fairy Buddy is someone you're destined to be with so they've already been chosen for you."
East Germany-"Prussia, dammit!"-sorry.
Prussia-Fairy of Beer and Awesome, chuckled and glanced over to Denmark-Fairy of Yuri and Awesome, to his left. "If I could choose my Fairy Buddy, it would totally be you, bro. You and America."
"Sweet! I'm included!"
"Hell yeah, me too bro. Fairies of Yuri, Beer and Hamburgers would be so freakin' awesome together!" The trio performed a three-way Epic Bro Five and their bromance began.
The sheer epicness of the bro five was so strong that the other nation-fairies had to look away to protect their eyes and vital regions. The emperor had to put his costume back on, for fear of his vital regions not being adequate enough to be labeled `awesome'.
Switzerland cocked his shotgun, effectively neutralizing the effects of the bro five. "If there is one more outburst, someone will taste the cold metal of my shotgun down their throat. Now listen to Austria-Fairy of Music."
Austria cleared his throat and thanked Switzerland while straightening his tie. "Thank you Switzerland. Now, I will show you all how to find your Fairy Buddies. Everyone, please take out your wands."
The nations all take out their wands made of various materials like angel hair pasta, beer mugs, fries, lewd figures of males and females in compromising positions and a slew of other things. Austria pulled out his own wand, an orchestra conductor's wand, and pointed it up in the air.
"Now do what I do and repeat what I say."
Austria held his wand high over his head, then cupped his hands around the tip, lowered his arms and cradled it close to his heart. "United Nations of Hetalia, please give the authoress the strength to create the light we need to discover our true Fairy Buddies."
The nation-fairies copied his movements and repeated his incantation. "United Nations of Hetalia, please give the authoress the strength to create the light we need to discover our true Fairy Buddies."
The lights dimmed, the room darkened and the nation-fairies were astounded. The air above them was filled with floating strings of all the colors of the rainbow and beyond. Each nation-fairy had a different colored string protruding from their chests, connecting them to one other nation in the room.
Austria addressed his fellow nation-fairies. "Now, we've revealed our Destined Heart Strings. Locate your color and follow it to your true Fairy Buddy." A white string connected Austria to Switzerland and the latter nation blushed once he figured out who he was connected to.
England glanced down at his chest, a forest green string jutted out of it. He followed it around the room with his eyes until he met a familiar pair of blue eyes. "I'm destined to the frog? This is total bollocks!"
Germany followed the orange string coming from his chest until he met up with North Italy. He blushed at the shorter nation. "Um…North Italy…it seems we are soul mates...yeah."
Belarus followed her navy colored string to a nation that was sitting quietly in the corner; sadly her string was not connected to Russia. Just then, the authoress suddenly remembered to add said nation into the fairy tale because he's one half of a pairing that's mentioned at the beginning of said fairy tale.
Unlike the authoress, Belarus remembered this unknown nation's name. "Canada-Fairy of Pancakes, it seems we are bound by fate for eternity."
Canada stood, flipped off Russia who was smiling evilly at the pair and gathered Belarus in his arms. "Knives do cut pancakes, eh." He breathed softly into her hair.
While Russia glared at the man who swept away his dear sister, he felt a tug at the silver connected to his chest. He looked back to see Japan standing meekly behind him, fingering the silver string coming from his own chest. "A-ano, Russia-san..." Russia blushed and crushed Japan in a bear hug.
Taiwan followed her bubblegum pink string to Hong Kong-Fairy of Fireworks and she glomped him immediately. Denmark and Hungary discovered each other by their shared royal violet string, Prussia and Spain were connected by a golden yellow string, China and South Korea shared a crimson red string; to which Korea exclaimed was made in Korea and proceeded to grope China's `breasts' until the older nation-fairy beat him off with a Hello Kitty pillow.
The emperor clapped his hands and laughed heartily at his gathered nation-fairies. Finally they could be together, his people could be happy and shit and he could catch his soaps. He glared at China for a few minutes because he was allowed to have Hello Kitty products and he couldn't.
"Alright then, since you all have your Fairy Buddies and shit, go do whatever it is ya'll do. Make my people happy, bitches."
America watched the other nations revel in their newfound life partners. He watched his parents, France and England, fight about who found who first and laughed. Those two will never get along. He glanced down at his own chest and followed his blue string…to his stomach. What the..? Something must be wrong, he figured, because all nation-fairies have Fairy Buddies…don't they?
Cue sad music and a dejected America nation-fairy.
Aww. :'(
South Italy wandered around the outside of the Emperor's palace, eating his tomato hat; he was too lazy to do the spell to create tomatoes. He'd left before Austria had instructed the nation-fairies on finding their Fairy Buddies because he could give a rat's ass on who he was destined to be with.
(Even though it might have been nice to know who he would spend the rest of eternity with, as long as his pre-determined lover wasn't that bastard potato Germany or an idiot; although he'd never admit that first part out loud.)
So there South Italy was, wandering around the palace, alone, waiting on his idiot brother and that idiot Spain but he doubted they'd come out looking for him when they've got their Fairy Buddies now. Romano sighed heavily into his tomato and kicked a rock.
"SOUTH ITALY!"
The Tomato Fairy nearly choked on his tomato hat. "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?"
It was the American hamburger fairy, America. "Don't jump out at people like that, bastard!" America panted an apology.
"Sorry S-south Italy, but I-I've been looking for you all over! I've got a question to ask you."
South Italy glared at the other nation-fairy but listened to him anyway. "Do you have a Fairy Buddy?" Why did he decide to listen to him?
South Italy dropped his tomato hat, blushed and stammered out some kind of positive answer, to which America replied with a simple "Oh." South Italy doesn't know what made him retract his statement, maybe it was the hurt look on America's face that really didn't belong there; whatever it was it disappeared when America's smile came back into view.
"Neither do I! Hey, you wanna try to find our Fairy Buddies together?" South Italy wanted to say "No, now fuck off bastard."-he really did, but something inside of him couldn't say no to America's bright smile and happy eyes. He picked up his tomato hat, dusted it off and put it back on his head.
"Fine, if it gets you to shut up." America fist-pumped into the air and pulled out his wand, made of French fries. South Italy cocked a skeptical eyebrow at the sight.
"Is that wand made out of French fries? Why French fries, bastard? What does that have to do with anything?"
America blinked at him then looked at his wand. "French fries are an integral part of the hamburger experience!"
"…I guess that makes sense."
"Haha, yeah so let's do this thing!"
Both the nation-fairies held their wands in the air, cupped their hands around the tips, lowered their arms and cradled the wands close to their chests. South Italy waited for America to speak the incantation so he could repeat it.
"United Nations of Hetalia, please give the authoress the strength to create the light we need to discover our true Fairy Buddies."
"United Nations of Hetalia, please give the authoress the strength to create the light we need to discover our true Fairy Buddies." South Italy repeated.
The area around them darkened and South Italy opened his eyes to find a blue string jutting from his chest. His Destined Heart String is an ugly shade of blue.
America looked down at his chest to see that his Destined Heart String was complete and that it…was the only string in the air above them. He followed his blue string until he met the disbelieving gaze of South Italy. Holy shit.
They were Fairy Buddies.
"You mean I'm destined to be with this bastardo for eternity?" South Italy complained. America didn't hear him though, too busy whooping and fist-pumping at the fact that he won't be alone for the rest of his life, so he can cancel those plans of cat breeding because he's got a Fairy Buddy!
And it's South Italy, bitches ;D
"Oh! There's something else I need South Italy! I need tomatoes!"
South Italy broke out of his shock of having a Fairy Buddy to stare at America in confusion. "What do you need tomatoes for?"
"You can't have a hamburger without tomatoes, South Italy~! It's un-American!"
"Yeah?"
"Yep! So I need some tomatoes, `cause I don't have any yet. See?"
America removes the hamburger-tutu thing from around his waist and displays his tomatolessness for South Italy. The tomato fairy blushed a deep red color and just stared at America's….umm…thing.
This Fairy Buddy relationship was going to take some getting used to.
In the end, Emperor Shinatty-chan's kingdom returned to its rightful state of beauty once the nation-fairies discovered their Fairy Buddies.
The subjects went back to making tea and scones and having sex, writing yaoi/yuri fan fiction, drinking vodka while cosplaying, cutting pancakes with knives, drinking beer in the sun, eating wurst with pasta, complaining about age, lighting fireworks and a lot of other stuff.
And South Italy gave America tomatoes. All. Night. Long.
THE END.
AN: What can I say about this crack piece? Nothing really because the story speaks for itself. Long one-shot is long.
I would have included other nations but then this little one-shot would have turned into a multi-chaptered crack!fic and I shouldn't be starting anymore stories. The inspiration behind Emperor Shinatty-chan came from nowhere, I just started writing and he started using all kinds of profane language. Bad emperor, bad! *shakes finger*
I hope no one was offended by the knockoff brand of Hello Kitty! I found it funny so I thought that others would as well. My brand of humor is strange, really. Most of the pairings don't make any sense but I'd ship Denmark/Hungary `cause that's kinda smexy~
I'd love it if Greece was my Fairy Buddy ;D
I hope you enjoyed this fail of a fairy tale.