Chapter 1
Six years of Constant Struggle
The starry night dazzled along the black curtain, filling with the gray tone of the full moon one of the many nights to come in her mind, pursuing those thoughts that found their way to her despair. Feeding slowly, tearing away all hope possible and bringing sleepless nights full of broken dreams.
She rolled in the bed once more, feeling the frivolous wind that made its way through the flighty covers to her body, now trembling with cold. She hated nights because there was nothing that could put aside the agony of her feelings, but nevertheless, she loved how her agony turned to be the bittersweet symphony that rode to the most exquisite paradise her mind could make. Yes, it could be described as masochism but that masochism was the only thing that kept her feeling she was still alive. Alive in an eternal abyss without him. An abyss that was now a comfortable home to her restless pain through the eternal passing of time.
5 years had she endured and attached to it were memories of the time loosen, time forgiven, time spent, time desired and time cherished. A war, thousand atrocities, separation and loneliness. Her life had ran away with the only thing she needed to fulfill happiness and even though she tried what was at hand to go by it, in one or other way, the phantom came to protect her. Protect me? No. It came to make me aware of my only weakness. Of how tiny I felt without my greatest strength and support. That is to say, I never left his way, not even one second.
Distance, frontiers, circumstances could separate us both but I could not let go of the chain of the past, never. And so the foolishness and curiosity brought me here to his side even if he didn't realize my own existence. What if? What if I would never go on if I saw him once more?
Her eyes sprout wide open. Her arms hugged tightly the pillow besides her wanting to release the confusion that resided in her chest. Was all my strength and determination left in this? -What a coward- a melancholic smiled curved her tender lips and then she laughed. She was only strong on her outside, being from the military required that, but the shy girl had stayed inside her all her life. She could be obedient, loyal, and merry at some given times but that didn't change her real condition. She could kick ass without the use of alchemy but she couldn't do it with personal affairs. Realize it. You were always weak.
Suddenly, a sound was heard coming from the table that stood alongside the long bed and making her way trough with difficulty, she got one of her hands in time and took the telephone cautiously putting it in her lap.
Hello – she managed to say with a soft voice while taking her blond hair out of the way.
Hi Riza. Did I wake you up? I think it's a little bit late and by your voice I can deduce – The man was interrupted – oh. Of course not I haven't slept at all since I came here…I'm just thinking –
My god if you don't hurry up and rest what face are you going to show him? - He asked with certain sarcasm – well…by the way I'm going I can't even show my face out of this hotel-
C'mon Riza you said you would have the courage to go by his house and visit him the day you arrived. Has it vanished? I know it's my fault what's happening to you and I just wanted to apologize someway –
It isn't your fault Charles. It was destiny you know? –
Destiny? Well maybe that destiny wants you to meet him again and I'm sure you would win the round even if he is married or divorced or I don't know what the hell he is doing! –
That's the main problem - argued Riza – I can't interfere with his life – She sights with desperation – I prefer…'I prefer to go back were you are and we can start this all over again... We'll give ourselves one more chance'-
No. You prefer to be there – He cut her voice before she could think up of anything. – Now I think I'll leave you. It's cold and I haven't slept at all while hesitating to call you but now I can sleep at ease. Bye –
Wait! – Shouted Riza – I…you still love me do you? – Her cheeks went red – yes I still do- he paused for a second- but I made a big mistake that I can now only realize. As long as you're happy I'll be happy. Please find and love him with your life for me. That is the only thing that matters. -
Without anymore to say, Charles hanged up the line with satisfaction. She could be anxious and by the second day she could at least go to his door. It was just time she needed. Patience. Wasn't calling her jut more difficult to forget?
He was sure he knew her more than anyone else. He got to feel her sentiments flowing stronger through the blankets at night. When she used to cry her misfortunes at his side, wiping with the help of his hand, he would embrace her until he felt her soul and the silence that went after, felt like the soft breeze of pacific comfort. She never opposed resistance to his lips, though he knew, she was just trying to forget his flavor by shyly accepting. He got to know the real Riza, the Riza behind the strong tempered wall that everybody used to see, as if resigning to look deeper, as if rejecting what was hidden inside. But his own selfishness, wanting more of that woman who resided side by side everyday, blinded what could be seen by those people who rejected her, what he pulled out of her hands…Happiness.
Happiness? When did such as simple word became so hard to describe?
She was still holding the telephone on her lap while she heard the unstopping timbre of the hanged phone at the other side. There was something that neither Charles nor she could ignore. Regardless of what had happen between them, she did have feelings for him, and he did for her. It didn't matter what he had said or done wrong because she knew that Roy would never be more than an utopican love for her, out of her sight. And she had always accepted she needed someone to protect but never to love. But Roy…Roy had played with her since then and she could never admit she liked it too.
Pushing her back thoughts from arising she left the telephone on its original position and hided herself in the covers. She began to let her mind flow freely once more, it all started on November.