Probie's Coffin

An NCIS fic by LMR

Romance/Humor

Pairing: MAbbey, Tate, a little bit of G-rated Abbey/Other slash (but with a happy MAbbey ending!)

Summary: A strange new character on loan from Norfolk visits the lab and ignites the weirdest jealousy triangle EVER, and manages to play some matchmaker while she's there. I posted this out of frustration with the lack of MAbbey fics.

Rating: PG

Don't forget to review!

Disclaimer: Cheerio, the Roaming Gnome here to tell you that NCIS, Abbey, McGee, Tony, Cate, Gibbs, Ducky, and Jimmy don't belong to me! But Eleanor does! And she's a wonderful tour guide, as you will see. The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round! Oh, wait, no, that's Gibb's driving, not Eleanor's. So I don't own that either. Don't forget your hat (which I don't own!)

Chapter 1: A Strange Creature Passes Through

"Jimmy, go away, you're annoying me!" Abbey stared intently at the computer screen. "Go bug Ducky." Jimmy looked wounded. "Sorry. I didn't mean it." She finished under her breath, "Much." She patted his shoulder. "I'm just in a bad mood, lately, that's all."

Jimmy mustered up the courage to talk, hoping it wouldn't result in loss of limb. "Anything in particular?"

She started to answer when Gibbs strolled through the door, paying as little attention as always to the concept of knocking. "She's PO'd 'cause Neandraboy's not here." There was someone with him, but she stayed in the corner, and Abbey figured she would leave with Gibbs.

"Lovin' the tact, Gibbs. Did you bring my caffeine?"

Gibbs held a non-company specific Big Gulp like beverage up in front of her, then pulled it back. "Where's that DNA analysis I asked for?"

"Coming right up." She hit a few button, and pulled out a disk that she offered to Gibbs. "Now gimme." She took the soda greedily. She slurped.

"Abbey," Gibbs started. I've been really pleased with your work lately."

"Thanks, Boss." Abbey paused. "Oh, no, I know what that means. You want something, and it's gonna royally suck."

"I am so pleased with your work," he continued undaunted, "that I would like you to pass your infinite wisdom onto others. There's a lab attendant from Norfolk, she'll only be here for a week, and you said you needed some help in the lab."

"What's the catch, Gibbs? I know there is one!"

"No catch." He headed for the door. "Oh, and she needs to learn JavaScript."

"I totally hate you, Gibbs!" she called after him.

"I know." He was out the door.

She didn't say anything at first, and Abbey took a moment to get a first impression. The first work that came to mind was "businessy." Was that a word? Abbey wondered. Either way, it's what she looked like. "Hi, I'm Abbey."

The woman smiled. "Eleanor." They shook hands. As soon as she moved, Abbey could see she was uncomfortable in her female monkey suit. She practically limped in her dress shoes. "You can take those off, if you want." Abbey gestured to the shoes.

"That's okay?" Eleanor asked, obviously thinking that was very weird. She relaxed a little, and put the shoes aside. "Yeah, I guess the dress code's kinda. . ." She looked over what Abbey was wearing, and her eyes seemed darker for a moment. Maybe I could wear my regular clothes tomorrow."

"Wear whatever you want. Gibbs doesn't care as long as you get the job done. Just so you know, there's a manwhore in the main office, so if your thing is skimpy, be on jerk alert. And if you need her to, Cate can beat him up for you."

Eleanor frowned, thinking. "Cate, pretty lady, brown hair, complaining about some idiot going through her drawers?"

Abbey threw a sly grin. "I'll bet he was. Yeah, that's Cate."

They looked around for a moment, not really having anything to say. After a bit of this, Eleanor broke the silence.

"I saw a lion and a man without a head!"

"What?" Abbey wanted to know.

The perkiness was gone from Eleanor's face. She looked almost regretful. "Sorry, I do that. It was too quiet, so I just decided to say something. . . well, stupid."

Abbey grinned and nodded. "Cool. 13 Ghosts old school, me likie. William Castle is a god."

The ice was not only broken, it was melted and nonexistent.

"No way, you too? I wish I'd been around for The Tingler. Electrocuting the audience. It's brilliant. What a great date movie!"

"Definitely. And Vincent Price. What a babe."

"Not my type," Eleanor said simply. "But I can see what you mean."

Abbey nodded. "Gorgeous, but not exactly my type either." She tried to explain. "He's just not-"

They were interrupted by a new voice. "Hi!"

The man reminded Eleanor vaguely of a golden retriever. She stepped back hurriedly out of the way of Abbey, who was skipping violently in the direction of the new guy. "McGee!" She wrapped her arms around his neck.

He grinned. "Geeze, Abbey, you're choking me."

She loosened her grip. "Glad to see you too," she said, feigning meanness.

"I saw you yesterday, Abbs!"

"I know," Abbey whined. "But the lab's been really boring since you've been in the field. It's just so. . ." She searched for the word.

"Hinky?" McGee offered.

"Ah, you know me so well. Exactly the word."

Eleanor attempted to reenter the conversation. "Hi, you must be Neandraboy. I'm Eleanor."

McGee looked at Abbey with, if possible, even more of a puppy dog look. "What did I do now?"

"Oh, nothing," Abbey cooed. "Gibbs was just teasing me, that's all. I haven't called you Neandraboy since that last time."

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything," Eleanor said.

"It's all right," Abbey assured her. "This is nothing compared to what goes on around here sometimes." She poked Eleanor in the ribs and in a lower voice said, "If you really wanna have some fun, go upstairs and tell Cate you saw Tony looking through her desk."

"That's terrible!" Eleanor said.

"No, no. For one thing, it doesn't matter if you saw him or not, you can be sure he was, and then they get into this whole tiff, it's great. If you're lucky, you get a food fight."

"Don't you guys get in trouble?"

She laughed. "From Gibbs? Please! Who do you think provokes them?"

McGee wedged his way into the conversation. "What's going on?"

"Her Great Abbeyness was just telling me about the exploits of coworkers."

"Her what?" McGee wondered.

"You know, Her Great Abbeyness, The Queen of Abbeydom. Just like I'm the Goddess of Eleanority."

Abbey understood completely. "Hey, why do you get to be a goddess and I only get to be a queen?"

"'Cause I made it up, that's why," Eleanor insisted.

"I don't get it," McGee said.

Abbey turned back to him. "You can be the King of Timony!"

"I'll just stick with McGee, thanks. Ow!" He reacted to a whack over the head.

"Don't you mean 'Probie'? DiNozzo strolled in.

Abbey stuck a finger in his face. "Don't do that in my lab! While he's in here, McGee outranks you."

Tony grinned. "How do you figure?"

"Because I say so, and I'm Gibbs favorite." She flashed a grin.

Tony turned to the new girl. "Hello, I haven't met you. I'm Tony DiNozzo."

"Eleanor." They shook.

"That is such a beautiful name. My intuition tells me you're a Pisces, am I right?"

She held her ground. "My intuition tells me you're the manwhore Abbey warned me about." Abbey and McGee giggled.

Tony scowled. "Thanks, Abbey, you ruined my chance."

"Don't feel bad," Eleanor reassured him. "You never had any semblance of a chance anyway." She changed the subject politely. "Too quiet in here. Mind if I put on a CD?"

"Go for it," Abbey said, lamely wondering what musical experience she might be in store for. Not many went for her taste.

"I hope you don't hate it," Eleanor offered, confirming her fears. Abbey's hands flew to her ears. "Oh, sorry, too loud. First track is Rob Zombie, I always forget."

Abbey grinned. "What is it?"

"Bride of Chucky soundtrack."

"Come on, let's get to that Java. DiNozzo, take whatever you came for, and get outta here. McGee, stay, if you can." Abbey tried not to sound too pathetic.

He looked awkward. "Well, you're busy; I don't want to get in the way."

"No, you're fine, really, stay.

"I don't mind," Eleanor offered. Her voice was friendly. "I'd like having you around. You've got a fun personality." McGee seemed pleased with this.

Abbey's jaw set, and her eyes narrowed just a little. "Maybe you should see if Gibbs needs you for something."

McGee was a little confused. He'd only seen so annoyed a couple of times, at least, only a couple of times that he didn't know he deserved it. That friend of his had been over from Norfolk, only some friend, she was a murderer. And then. . . he didn't like thinking about Erin. It still hurt. He was goofing off when he should have been working, and that annoyed her. He couldn't see what it was now.

I don't know why, it's obvious to the rest of us! Hope you enjoyed. PLEASE review! Reviews are my lifeblood! If I don't get any reviews it's just. . . HINKY! So please tell me if you like, give suggestions, let me know if someone seems out of character, and tell me what you want more of. I'm not done writing, so this is an interactive story, folks. At least let me know if you think I should continue. Luv, LMR